Strangled by the Thought
by The Top Drawer
Summary: A multiple POV story that reveals the little, special things about hatred, jealousy, possession, longing and revenge. A great adventure that starts with an enchanted knife, a brutal execution and sex.
1. Chapter 1

_Here's the first installment of **Strangled by the Thought**, a Fic I'm writing in all my spare time. It has a choppy time line, but most of the events take place between **New Moon **and **Eclipse**. Of course all these characters, themes and such belong to Stephenie Meyer. I couldn't think this shit up. Come on. _

_Please bounce over to **the**__**topdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com **__for music and artwork connected to each chapter. I'll be posting the specific songs and images for the chapters before each one here, but they'll all be links to The Top Drawer. Have a peak, you won't regret it, promise!_

_Song:_

_**the**__**topdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com**_/post/1382919958/song-for-chapter-one-of-strangled-by-the-thought

_Image:_

_**the**__**topdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com**_/post/1382995454/photo-inspiration-for-a-scene-between-edward-and

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* * *

_Strangled by the Thought

Part I

EPOV (Edward's Point Of View)

1

Orange, dying light broke through her window blinds. I watch the sun shift and change each wall from fire to starry twilight. We're in for a hot, sleepless summer's night, the kind she never manages to sleep through. A restless sigh draws my attention to the bed. She looks so vulnerable and seductive, twisted around the sheets. Innocence and power wrapped in pale thin skin. A light sheen of sweat covers her body and I stand in awe as her scent washes over me. Honey and amber. Lightly, reverently, I run my hand across her clavicle. So beautiful, so sweet.

Somewhere a train rumbles by. I wait for her to wake.

* * *

The parking lot is almost empty; a lone 18-wheeler sits slumped in the distance. Halogen streetlights buzz overhead, illuminating black wet asphalt with pillars of blue light. I walk through the rain, from light pillar to light pillar, to the front door. A sad bell signals my coming and no one is there to greet me. The diner is encased in orange vinyl booths and 1970's chandeliers. Faux bois wallpaper covers every vertical surface, giving the dining area a gaudy, surreal atmosphere. I take a booth toward the back right, next to the largest window overlooking the parking lot.

"Oh my, I didn't hear you come in."

A sweet, tired looking waitress bustles out of the kitchen. She busies herself by fixing a stray strand of hair and taking a pad from her frilly apron. Behind her I note the missing trucker as he slinks from the kitchen door. He takes his obligatory seat at the counter.

"What'll it be, hon?"

She eyes me, like all human females do, and smiles a bit wider.

"Coffee, black. For now."

"Coming right up."

She bustles off toward the trucker; he pats her ass as she passes. His thoughts are milling through a combination of miles, weather and screwing the waitress across the kitchen counter. She's thinking of her young son and money, which runs constantly through her head. The trucker has no knowledge of her son; she's using the trucker for money. Neither loves the other, not really. Lonely jobs conclude in lonely relationships, I don't need to know their thoughts to understand this. But with an involuntary mental spasm, I know them nonetheless.

"Coffee, black."

She turns the mug over and pours a foul smelling liquid in front of me.

"You need anything more, just holler."

I fidget with a packet of sugar, slowing pouring and stirring it pointlessly into the cup. Practicing my human charade.

Jacob is nowhere to be seen, 15 minutes late. Lights weakly flicker in and out and I hear the waitress cluck her tongue in disappointment. This passing thunderstorm is digging in for the evening; I watch as my window gradually turns into a waterfall of glass.

* * *

Somewhere between two or three in the morning, she wakes with a start.

"Bella, love, are you okay?"

She's shivering. Her eyes are half open, but unseeing. I drop the book I'm reading and gently rub her back.

She relaxes, and turns over to sleep again.

I return to my book.

* * *

The forest is dark and alive, murmuring to me as I glide across her surfaces. I pass invisible, another wraith moving through the night. Summiting a large group of cliffs, I scan a glassy black lake stretched out far below me. Thick trees surround its small shore, choking the water off from the rest of the world.

My unnaturally sensitive eyes spot the target immediately. I watch him lap water from the shore, just like a dog. Disgusting. A man should not act so feral. I'm dealing with no man tonight.

How could she care for that _animal_? I need to resolve this now, away from my family and on his turf. I need dominance. Stepping of the cliff's edge, I plummet from the rocks in a reckless freefall. From somewhere deep inside a hideous, manic laugh bubbles up and out. It's evil tasting and I can't stop it if I wanted to. I laugh uncontrollably as I fall through the night.

His enormous head jerks in my direction before he can see me. Barring his teeth in a low, menacing growl, he turns his back to the lake. I land nosily in the brush, crushing and breaking as I go. The sound is staggering, a comet colliding with Earth. When the last echo dies and the dust has settled with the silence, I emerge slowly from a shock still forest. His heckles raise and he backs slowly into the shallow water. I advanced deliberately toward him.

"Good evening, Jacob."

Deep growls roll through his teeth, his mind roaring one simple thought.

"_My land, Bloodsucker."_

_

* * *

_

By 4 A.M. she's breathing quietly, rhythmically. _One, beat, beat, two, beat, beat, three._ Finally sleep has taken her. Where does she go when she sinks into unconsciousness? Are you thinking of me, my gentle Bella?

I've forgotten the release of sleep, the ability to get out of your head and into the black nothing for a few short hours. Bella thinks my intensity is odd, sometimes inappropriate, but all I can do is _think_. I have no release from my thoughts, no time to unconsciously process them into sane and insane categories. No detachment.

The vulnerability of sleeping terrifies me. That's why, for her protection, I have this compulsion to be with her every night. But I would gladly trade invulnerability for a chance to join her just once, to sleep and dream together.

* * *

Another look at the time, 26 minutes late. I hope I don't need to drink my sugar-filled prop. Looking out the window I can see the highway, almost empty, though occasionally a set of blurry lights blaze by. Did he decide to drive that wreck of a car out here? Is he with Bella? Oh, that would be slick: me sitting in this dive pretending to drink coffee for an audience of two rednecks while he's making time with her. Just perfect, fucked over by a dog. Emmett will never let this go, if he finds out. Which he will. Because Jacob will tell everyone the first chance he gets. Shit.

Just as the waitress picks up a fresh pot of coffee, Jacob waltzes through the door. His hair is wet, but his clothes are dry and he's wearing the rare shirt and shoes. Maybe he did drive.

"Hey Tampon Eater."

He squeezes into the booth and grabs a menu. The waitress looks shocked; apparently she heard him. Pot of coffee in hand, she turns on her heel and heads straight toward her trucker buddy. Jacob and I watch passively as she repeats the words "tampon" and "eater" into the trucker's ear.

"Tampon Eater?"

I repeat in a low hiss.

"Really?"

Jacob shrugs and looks at the menu.

"And you're late."

"I ran into the pack. Not everyone can lie to family so easily."

That stung. My family, including Bella, believes I'm out hunting, blowing off some steam. The truth can't be farther away from my weak lie.

The trucker lumbers over to us, puffing up his gorilla-like build.

"Hey, you punks. You gotta problem?"

Jacob and I look him over. Poor guy, he has no idea he's picking a fight with a vampire and a werewolf. At the same time. Some luck.

I manage a 'No, Sir.'

Jacob just stares, his amusement clear.

"This here is a family joint, and that there is a lady. You don't like it, you take it somewhere else, got it?"

I manage a 'Yes, Sir.'

Jacob returns to his menu.

* * *

I raise my hands in an open gesture.

"I want to talk, nothing more."

He barks out a growling laugh.

"_Your impulse will cost you, Leech. This is a deliberate break of the treaty. A pact you and your family made."_

He's right; I am endangering my family by coming here. Giving his pack the right to expose us to the community of Forks, perhaps to the world. If he loves her he'll keep his tongue, he won't blatantly destroy her life. At least, that's my hope.

"They don't know I'm here. This choice is mine and likewise the danger."

He levels his huge yellow eyes on me.

"_That isn't the deal. I can kill you now and they can't do shit about it. Stupid choice, Leech."_

I lower my hands, clenching them only slightly.

"I'm here for Bella, Jacob. You can try to kill me now, but you'll never find out why I broke the treaty."

His ears flatten against his head and a constant low growl issues from his throat. His claws are out; they looked like black daggers digging into the sand.

A tense moment passes. In his mind I can see him debate between lunging for my throat now or calling his pack so all of them can destroy me and then start on my family. Burning down our home; ripping and rendering each vampire as they try to escape. The fantasy is elaborate and horrifying, detailed. Something he's thought of often.

Then he thinks of Bella. The image he conjures is of uncomplicated beauty and perfect trust. With shock I realize he sees her with simple, devoted love, much like myself. My astonishment quickly dissolves into resentment.

As he pictures Bella he stops growling and heaves a sigh.

"_My pack is near, they'll hear my thoughts soon. I need to transform."_

I raise an eyebrow.

"Ok. That's a start."

* * *

"Good morning!"

I pop my head in the bathroom as she's brushing her teeth. Before she can protest I snap a photo.

"Hwerey!"

She sputters with a mouthful of toothpaste, grabbing at the camera. It's gone before she has a chance.

"Ah, ah." I scold. "For the human scrapbook."

I've never seen someone spit toothpaste so angrily. It's adorable.

"Can't I look 'human' for the human memory book?"

"Human _scrapbook_, Darling."

"Whatever _that _is, Weirdo. I'm barely conscious."

"You look fine. Better than fine. Radiant!"

"Sure, sure. You are _such_ a liar. And a Polaroid camera? God, do you have to be so, so…_hip_ all of the damn time?"

"I…" She's a mess, bleary from sleep and in rumpled pajamas. I can't help but smile, "I'm sorry, I just can't take you seriously until you brush that bird's nest on your head…."

Oh, now she's pissed.

"Alright!" She pushes me toward the door, well, I let her push me. "Humans only. Every perfect, sparkly, mythical creature needs to clear the fuck out!"

The door literally slams in my face. I take the Polaroid from my pocket. It's perfect, in every way.

* * *

The trucker nods and signals to our waitress. She pads over, as coy as a cat.

"Alright, Maggie, they're ready for you. Ain't you boys?"

I manage a nod; Jacob coughs from behind his menu. Maggie looks smug as she takes Jacob's order. To my amazement he orders a full two meals, enough disgusting food for the both of us. My stomach churns at the thought of his 'Farmer's Special' and 'Eggs over My-Hammy' spread out on the table before us. And he orders a milkshake. I shudder.

"You look pale, Fang Face. Well, pale-er."

"Milk sickens me."

He snorts in delight. I grip my coffee cup.

"What?"

"You don't find that the teensiest bit hypocritical? I mean, it's kind of the same thing as blood."

"No, it's really not."

"What-_ever_. You got no sense of humor, Eddy."

"Oh, and 'Tampon Eater' is suppose to be the height of wit?"

"Yeah, a real riot. What do you do about _that_ whole thing, anyway? I'm probably not far off the mark."

"I am not talking about this. With you."

"So it _is_ an issue? Sick man, real gross out."

I snap my teeth shut and lock my jaw. Was there a button he wouldn't push tonight? The handle of my coffee mug breaks off with an audible ping.

"Easy there Leech, don't want to ruin another thousand dollar jacket with bad coffee stains."

His food arrives in all its greasy, sloppy glory. It encompasses most of the Formica tabletop. I feel ill as the smells invade my hyper senses. Jacob hands Maggie the broken mug handle.

"Oh, no. Now how did that happen?"

She grabs my mug to inspect the damage and hesitates when she sees the untouched coffee. I glare at Jacob, he shrugs.

"Besides a new mug, can I get you two anything else?"

"No ma'am. Thank you, this milkshake tastes very creamy. Did you use 2% or whole milk?"

She shoots Jacob an odd glance.

"1%, actually. Right, uh, thank you. I'll be back to check on you two later."

Once she leaves Jacob begins stuffing his face with food. The sight is unsettling.

"Thanks for calling attention to the mug, could you make me any more obvious?"

"Hey Death Breath, not my fault you don't eat. You make yourself obvious."

"This isn't just about food, is it?"

He manages a headshake in between large gulps of pancakes.

"No, s'not."

"You think you're more human than me."

Folding my arms across my chest, I lean back away from the diner grease smell. I close my airways in the hopes of staving off nausea.

"Damn straight. And it's not just food. It's everything. She doesn't have to die to be with me. And her life doesn't have to stop, either."

"Stop as in…"

I knew his answer before he swallowed. It was one I tortured myself with often.

"As in continuing the Swan family line. As in kids."

Bam. There it was. Children were not something Bella necessarily wanted right now, but their possibility, or impossibility rather, represented a larger issue. She did have to die to be with me. Die in the human sense of the word and give up all the changes she could experience throughout her natural life. Changes like becoming pregnant. I jumped slightly when waitress Maggie sets my new mug down.

"It really bothers you, doesn't it?"

Jacob is already halfway through his giant meal and begins to slow his food inhalation. He points a syrupy fork at me.

"If it gets to you, why don't you stop all this? Hell, why start it in the first place?"

I tried to sigh, it comes out as more of a shutter.

"I'm selfish."

"Damn right. You're using her to feel more human."

I leveled my eyes on him, willing him to burst into flame.

"You're wrong, Dog. I do not wish to be human. She is no medium for my lost life. She does not connect me to this world. She connects me to the next."

He drinks a huge slug of milkshake and grabs my coffee, finishing it in a single gulp.

"Man, if I had your faith…. So she's your heaven?"

"Nothing so trite. But yes, she's my sanctuary. My _haven_."

"Your blood bag."

I snap his fork in two.

"_There's no solace in her blood." _

He looks at the broken tool and sighs, pushing his almost empty plates from him.

"I see how you kiss her wrists, how you taste the air around her. You treat her like meat. Like she's food for you to consume."

"I'm not after her blood. I love her, Jacob. I would not see her harmed for the purpose of feeding. Never in a thousand, _thousand_ years. The thought strangles me."

"Years you have and she doesn't. It's not just the blood; it's the contradiction of who you both are. I can grow with Bella, _live_ with her. You're frozen, an outsider to life. _Anti-life._"

"Real deep, Jacob."

His face tightens. I see this is finally the real conversation we have been dancing around all night. No more jokes or jabs, it's time to settle this.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hoo-ray, second installment! Last chapter we basically waited for Bella to get the hell out of bed while Edward and Jacob have a secret rendezvous in the middle of the night. Um, it's not as licentious as it sounds. Now we'll explore how Edward feels about human Bella vs vampire Bella and things get heated (again, not like that) between EmoWard and Jake._

_Not my characters - all belong to Stephanie Meyer, our Benovlent Overlord. _

_Please bounce over to __**the**__**topdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com**_ _for music and artwork connected to each chapter. I'll be posting the specific songs and images for the chapters before each one here, but they'll all be links to The Top Drawer. Have a peak, you won't regret it, promise!_

_Songs:_

_**the**__**topdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com**_/post/1433219902/a-song-for-chapter-two-of-strangled-by-the

_**the**__**topdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com**_/post/1439675375/another-song-for-chapter-2-of-strangled-by-the

_Image:_

_**the**__**topdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com**_/post/1433292739/aconitum-napellus-known-as-aconite-monkshood

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* * *

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Strangled by the Thought

Part I

2

We run, a streak of color across the green landscape. I can tell she's getting ill, perched on my back like she is. Silly girl, she doesn't have to be brave for me, but I know she'll never ask me to stop. Without warning, a wave of panic hits. My chest fills with ice as I anxiously stop and put her on the ground, searching her eyes for…. something. I find only trust.

Eventually we move on, but I'm not running as fast as before. If she notices, she doesn't mention it.

* * *

"_Not here, Sparkles. They'll smell your vampire stench and find us both. We need to run."_

"Where?"

"_Abandoned ranger station just south of here, a little to the west."_

Smart choice. The land was completely depopulated, no vampires outside of my family would hunt there and the pack would have no need to patrol the area. We would be alone, which would be a benefit and a danger. Could this be the night I meet my true death?

"_Stay on the river, your smell won't be as obvious."_

"Yes. I'll see you there."

Dog. I refrain from calling out the slur. I need to keep this civil; no matter the provocation Jacob gives me. Truth be told, I don't mind being called a 'bloodsucker', I feel it's a true word for my kind. 'Leech', on the other hand, really gets to me. And 'Sparkles'. Like I chose to be a glittery fucking unicorn for all eternity. At least it's better than fleas.

* * *

In my closet, under the dresser, in a secret compartment in the hardwood flooring, is an old tin box. In this old tin box I have a comb with her hair. I have a pair of her underwear; from the first time we kissed on my bed. I have a photo of her face with my hand on her cheek, her eyes are closed and she's lightly biting her lip. This photo drives me crazy. I have ticket stubs, receipts, notes gathered and wrapped in twine. A copy of her favorite book. And, the crown jewel, a small fabric square saturated with her blood. I nicked it from a bandage when she was dressing one of her constant injuries. I won't admit to myself why I'm keeping this box. Why I keep adding to its intimate contents. Why I need to remember every inch of her as she is now.

* * *

"You boys need anything else?"

Maggie looks worried. The sitter called and the news wasn't stellar, something about a fever. Jacob coughs and nudges me under the table. I snap back to reality.

"More coffee, for both of us, please."

"Make mine a coke."

She stares at me for a moment too long and strolls away toward the kitchen.

"Man, you are _way_ to intense. If I didn't know mindreading vampires exist, you'd make me a believer."

I pinch the bridge of my nose, a pointless gesture, but a habit.

"Yes, well. Sometimes it's more difficult to block people out. Especially when I'm…"

"Stressed?"

"Yeah. Stressed."

"You finally want to talk about this? No more 'oh-I'm-so-polite-and-can't-directly-say-anything-because-it-would-ruin-my-tortured-mystique' bullshit? Can we finally get on with it?"

Our new beverages arrive. The broken fork is hesitantly taken from the table along with Jacob's disturbing meals. Relief, I can use my sense of smell again.

"Wit aside, yes I do want to get to the point. Did you bring the Anapellus?"

He pats the side pocket of his cargo pants.

"Yep."

"Take it out, place it on the table."

Jacob gives me a look like I've asked him to slit his writs, but he complies. The knife is thunked on the table between us. It doesn't gleam in the light; it lies on the chipped Formica like a dead thing. I hear Maggie and her trucker retire back to the kitchen; it's the first intellectual thing they've accomplished all night. Jacob stares at the Anapellus, at the blade that points to no one in particular.

* * *

A sonnet? No, girls have no use for those these days. Hello 21st century.

A room full of roses? No, wildflowers maybe. But she's so shrewd about gifts; I don't think she'd really appreciate the gesture.

Something useful….a gift card! Wait, shit that's dumb. Oh, lord. Maybe I should just ask Alice…the Twit's probably buying something right now.

The bell rings and she gathers her books. As we walk the crowded high school halls, I lay my arm around Bella's shoulders and she nestles comfortably into my side. Our silence is companionable. I can't give her what she really wants. My meager gifts are childish distractions compared to her real desires.

I let her go at the art room door. She touches my hand just as I turn to leave. "Hey, I love you." She smiles like she's proud she said so, like we haven't said so a thousand times before. And just like that, I know I'm going to give her everything she wants and I'm terrified.

* * *

We arrive within seconds of each other, he's panting hard and it's obvious he tried to win our unacknowledged race. Will it always be like this between us? The idea is exhausting.

Waves crash rhythmically against the rocky shore and the ocean air sweeps up and over the cliff's edge. The ranger station overlooks a vast body of water and after years of neglect the building is little more than a pile of rusted hinges and rotted beams.

Jacob transforms – fur melding into flesh and human form. He unties a strip of cloth from his leg, his signature Jorts I assume.

"Look, I'll start. Your murderous thoughts are giving me a headache, by the way. Could you turn it down while we're here?"

He smiles, all teeth just like a wolf.

"No problem, I am concerned about your pretty head."

His thoughts turn to Bella. Bella kissing him, Bella smiling at him, Bella undressing before him.

I growl low in my chest.

"Enough!"

"So block me out, Neck Licker. If you don't like it, don't look at it."

He has a point; we're never going to get anywhere as long as I'm probing his thoughts. I concentrate on the wind, the waves, the old fort creaking in protest, the animals padding silently around us. I inhale, letting salt air overpower my senses. Jacob's thoughts become dim static in the back of my mind. Far better, but still a buzzing annoyance.

"Huh, I can actually feel you leave my head."

"You're probably more sensitive to it than most. You're used to communicating telepathically, after all."

His shoulders sag slightly.

"Yeah. Gets crowded sometimes."

His complexion seems to wear thin and for a moment I can't see the alpha wolf anymore, only an overwhelmed 17-year-old boy. Much like myself when my human life ended. The vision shatters when he speaks.

"You wanted to talk, Blood Junkie, so talk. What about Bella? You didn't bite her, did you?"

I freeze.

"No."

"So what then? I ain't got all night. The sun'll be up in a few hours, aren't you suppose to find a crypt to crawl into?"

"Funny, Jacob. Real original. Look, I want to end this feud between us. More specifically the feud about Bella."

"You afraid of loosing, Bloodsucker?"

He strolls past me and stops at the edge of the cliff, overlooking the ocean. His back's to me but I can feel the hostility radiating from him…and the insecurity.

I lean against the ranger station, staring at him. For a moment neither of us speaks. He shifts, throws a rock out to the water.

"I'm in love with her, Edward."

It's true; I can hear it in his heartbeat. He doesn't sound sad, more resolved than anything. The use of my real name is strange; it makes him seem more vulnerable.

"I know. I believe you."

I hesitate, how far am I willing to push this?

"She loves you too."

He snorts, throwing a handful of rocks into the abyss below.

"Yeah, as a brother, a friend, a protector. Not like…"

His voice breaks; a moment passes before he speaks again. As he does all the vulnerability vanishes and his voice is cold.

"…_you_."

Something shifts in the air around him. I don't see it at first and by the time I know what's happening his whole body is shaking violently. Before I can call his name or turn to defend myself, he slams me into the ranger station. Wood and glass exploded around us. He's on top of me, growling in my face, his wolf teeth inching closer to my exposed throat.

* * *

"How 'bout this one?"

Bella hands me a book – and I've read it, like the last five she's handed me.

"Oh, sure, Love. I've been meaning to pick this up…thanks."

Her innocence is beguiling. It refreshes me, cleansing my past. Her pink skin and warm brown eyes, that familiar pout always on her lips, it brings me far away from the man I used to be.

So soon she'll know what my kind are capable of. She'll know the temptation of blood. What it drives a vampire to do. The horror of regaining awareness and seeing dead things all around you, your own lips saturated with their juices. The screaming.

She will experience these things and hate me for giving them to her. Or worse yet, she'll love them.

* * *

I clear my throat. A pointless, human gesture.

"Our future aside, Isabella's fate and my own are inextricably connected. I can not ignore the circumstances in which we met, just like I can not ignore the feelings we have for each other. I am being pulled to her. Physically. Emotionally. And more important, spiritually."

He scoffs and begins to slowly twirl the knife on the table. I tense.

"Spiritually?"

"Yes."

"As in a soul?"

There truly were no buttons left to push.

"Yes, or maybe even deeper still."

"Your kind don't have them. Isn't that the deal? No soul for eternal life. Endless youth, but an ugly thirst. I'm no horror fan, but I think that's the gist."

Jacob's face has become a mask, but not an emotionless one. He holds the look of a man who is truly and deeply offended. I actually understand his thoughts, without having to read his mind. I thought the same, before my endless life changed forever.

"I know I have a soul because it belongs to her. It is she. Remove her and I can not live, just as you would remove the lungs and have no air, or remove the heart and have no blood."

He stopped twirling the knife, its point resting on him.

"You don't have lungs or a heart. But you live. You just don't rot like a normal corpse."

"A point to be sure. But I have Bella and removing her would be the death of me. I can not live without my life."

Another turn of the knife, again the point is toward him.

"You left her, Edward. You seemed to live."

I grimaced. It had to be brought up; I'm surprised it took this long.

"You asked me why I didn't stop seeing Bella. Why I don't walk away. I was going to die in Italy, I was just holding onto the fact that if she was in the world then I could be too. Once I thought she was dead…well, you know the rest. I didn't come back, Jacob. She brought me back. I tried to give her another chance at life, she threw it away."

It was his turn to cringe. He knew full well what she threw away. The knife was finally pointing at me.

"She gave me her life. All of her tragedy, her small victories, her lips, her breath, her whole mind, all of it, on that day. And now I live to keep her with me. Forever. Death is the only other avenue left to us now."

Jacob sneers. His eyes full of protective virtue and naked want.

"She gave you all that before you left. BEFORE! You sick asshole. You nearly destroyed her, why, because you felt like you didn't deserve her? Just because you hate yourself, doesn't mean you have to drag the rest of us through your misery."

"It's _past_ Jacob. Whatever my motives then, they have nothing to do with _now_. She will be with me, she will be mine. She will choose me. _Me_. Or we both die."

Another sneer.

"How tragic. Do you listen to yourself? So why this knife? Am I supposed to kill you and finish what you started last summer? Clean up your mess? Ha, just like a dog. Anything for the master."

A long pause settled between us. We both look toward the weapon on our table. Jacob left it balancing on the napkin dispenser, a casual place for something so brutal and ugly. A moan and a giggle rise from the kitchen, making everything all the more absurd and unseemly. Outside the rain let up some, leaving large random pools in its wake. I watch each pool ripple with the addition of more drops of rain, an endless procession of watery noise.

"And if I say you're right?"

Jacob's head snaps up and his eyes hold unrestrained loathing.

"Selfish. Blood Munching. Crybaby. Coward. You have got to be fucking kidding me."

"I'm just saying…"

"Saying what exactly? 'Be the hero, Jacob. Slay the monster. Get the girl. Hell, I'll even give you this million-year-old-creepy-as-shit-knife to do the job.'"

I level my eyes on him and nod.


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter three is a little long - I'm thinking I should invest in an editor….anyway last chapter our dynamic duo were hashing out their woes in a forest/diner setting. We learned what the Anapellus was, but not what it can do, and to top it all off Edward wants Jacob to shank him and steal Bella. Like, for real, y'all. _

_This chapter we'll see why someone left, old friends revisited, learn how to stab a vampire and what happens when you keep a wolf indoors. _

_All this stuff belongs to Stephanie Meyer, whether she wants it or not. _

_Song:_

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Strangled by the Thought

Part I

3

"Oh, just wait!"

Tanya claps her hands in excitement. She stands at the head of the table, an apron tied around her shimmering evening gown.

"The best is yet to come."

She snaps her fingers and a human boy, no older than 12, hurries out of the kitchen with a tray of….ice cream? He places a crystal bowl before each vampire.

"Uh – Tanya?" Emmett clears his throat, "What the hell is this?"

She smiles radiantly, "Fresh gelato, made just now."

"Yeah – I don't think this is funny. I _hate_ puking up human food."

Alice pipes in, "Oh, Tanya! You didn't." She scoops a bit into her mouth and sighs with delight.

Emmett and Jasper share a look, and then Emmett, encouraged by Tanya, takes a testing bite. His eyes light up. "Polar bear? How?" He begins to wolf down the frozen blood.

Carlisle looks uncomfortable. "Yes, Tanya, you must share your secret."

She smiles triumphantly while Eleazar, his mate Carmen, Irina and Kate all laugh conspiratorially.

Tanya waves her hand dismissively toward the kitchen; "He's tied up out back, sleeping, thankfully. For a whole month I've fed him nothing but deer slabs marinated in Valencia oranges and cinnamon. If you concentrate, you can taste each flavor in his beautiful blood."

Rosalie smacks Emmett's hand away from her gelato. She's positively aglow, delighting in the opportunity to feed indoors at a table set with silver and crystal. "And the obvious clotting issues?"

"Ah," Eleazar chimes in, "common wood-sorrel. It was fed to him as a natural anticoagulant."

Jasper held his bowl to the light, "Remarkable."

"But, Tanya," Esme looks put off, "aren't polar bears going extinct?"

Alice laughs, "You're the ones who stole him from the zoo! It was in all the papers."

"All in good fun, my friends. He'll be returned tomorrow night."

The Denalis laugh along with a few Cullens.

Carlisle takes a polite scoop of blood, "Really, Tanya, you didn't have to go to all this trouble for us. The mountain lion bisque, the wolf and rabbit champagne, and now this…"

"Really, Carlisle, it's no trouble. My pleasure – "

I stand, pushing myself away from the table. Silverware and glasses cease clinking. All eyes are on me, Esme and Carlisle's especially. I'm being rude.

As I walk out of the dining room I can hear excited whispers circling the table. I let myself into an upstairs study, a neatly kept room of books and photographs. Polar bear blood, cocktails and linen napkins. I'm wearing a tuxedo for Christ's sake. I don't care. I don't care. _I. Don't. Care._

The door quietly shuts. Tanya stands against it, looking at me with concern and ire.

"Edward, what's going on?"

She crosses the room, her gown simmering and flowing around her. I feel her hand on my arm. I can hear her intentions echoing through her head.

"Tanya. Don't." I shrug out of her grasp and head for the window.

"Why Edward? Tell me what I've done to make you hate me so!"

"I don't hate you. Don't be silly. I just want to be left alone."

"That's all you ever want. Don't you see this night was for _you._ All this…"

She chokes up, it sickens me.

"I never asked you for this. Not once. I come to your home, eat your ridiculous meals, I protect you, hunt with you. I've fulfilled my duties Tanya. I don't see what else I can do."

She looks stricken. I don't care.

"You don't _see._ Believe me, Edward, we're all aware of how little you see."

She spits venom onto the floor; it starts smoking and eating away at the rug.

"I'll tell them you've retired for the night."

"_Why bother, Tanya_!"

She leaves, shutting the door quietly behind her.

* * *

God, what an overwhelming smell! Jacob's large, moist snout is right in my face.

I bore into his mind, trying to find some sane purchase; it's quickly turning savage.

"MY LAND."

His mind roars.

"MY BELLA."

Thoughts of my unexplained disappearance echo through both our heads. His paws pin my shoulders to the ground and my body is twisted beneath the wreckage of an old broken fort. Large black claws dig slowly into my skin. For the first time in a long time I feel physical discomfort.

"She belongs to no one, Jacob Black…"

I manage to choke out the words. He nips a chunk of flesh from my neck and I feel actual _pain_.

"Aagh! …except…to…herself."

His eyes process my words and slowly, laboriously his bestial mind comes to a conclusion.

"HER CHOICE."

"Yes."

I echo.

"Her choice."

He jumps off me with admirable grace. When I look again he's human.

We don't speak as I untangle myself from the broken piles of wood and glue my neck back together. Damn, now I'll have a scar for the next 30 years; at best my venom is a sloppy healer. The wind picks up and howls violently across North Beach. A storm's fast approaching.

* * *

I'm in the middle of meticulously cleaning my piano. It's been too long and dust has annoyingly accumulated along the inside of her case and soundboard. I can't play until I know she's up and running in top form.

A melody has been echoing in my head for days. The music is soft, lilting, and in common time. I'm piecing it together as I clean.

"Edward? It's nice to see you at the piano again."

Esme has come in from the garden, a large bucketful of flowers in her arms. She's doing the "not prying, just asking" thing and usually I find this frustrating. But somehow, in this moment, I want to tell her everything.

I don't.

"Thank you, Mother."

She nods and smiles, disappearing into our mudroom to finish her floral project. I just found an end to what I know is a composition for that damnable girl, Isabella Swan. It's not optimistic.

* * *

"Ooo-kay. This is nuts. I'm out. I'm done talking to a walking corpse and I'm done with this weird ass conversation."

He begins to wiggle out from the booth's orange vinyl grip.

"Have fun with your suicide, murder, whatever, Sparkle Boy. I'm gone."

I grab his arm, pushing him back down into the booth. His face starts to quiver as a low growl escapes his chest. I twist my face with as much emotion as I can conjure.

"Please, Jacob. Listen to me. _Sit and stay_. Just listen."

I release his arm and remarkably he stays. Something that's not trust, but close enough, crosses his face.

"Yes, it's crazy. But we can't go on like this – the competitions, our endless fighting. It's hurting Bella, it may even kill her someday."

He sees the truth in these words and settles more fully into the booth. I waste no time forcing my point.

"I've established that I will die if I can't be with her. I'm never leaving again, so if you want her you _will_ have to kill me."

Jacob opens his mouth, but snaps it shut quickly.

"You can't kill me as a wolf, that will be too obvious and my family _will_ hunt you down. They'll also kill your tribe and then Bella won't have a new family to go to once I'm dead."

He responds reasonably well to these threats.

"They'll never expect the knife. You don't have the resources, no offense, or the knowledge to track something like the Anapellus down. They'll assume it's the work of a Slayer or another vampire rouge. It won't ever be traced back to you, I can make sure of that."

Jacob clenches his fists, cracking all of his knuckles. He looks ill.

"This is sick."

"I know. But we're living in sick times. She will die for me, Jacob."

I pause, my hands are visibly shaking.

"I can't let that happen. I won't. If things go on like they are…how can I voluntarily damn something so beautiful?"

I mutter, low and sad.

"I won't."

Jacob's face sags, his eyes are dark and strained.

A long pause issues between the surrounding diner and us. The rain has let up almost entirely, leaving everything new and gleaming under the lamplights.

"You can stop this Jacob."

He tenses, refusing to make eye contact.

"Save her."

His arms are shaking to their core.

"_Please_."

He explodes in a big mountain of bronze fur.

* * *

Age is a constant barrier; it looms, like a brick wall. We seem to hit this wall, hard, when things between us are going especially well. By this point it's expected; it will always be painfully and obviously…unresolved. For her it's like so much water rushing to an end, while I remain frozen still.

All is new to Bella and I know she finds it frustrating when I'm unmoved by the very things which excite her. But I'm use to living with people who shared the consequences of earlier life. Now they're left wondering about the weather, the value of a quiet space…the light at the end of a day.

* * *

His back is to me again; he's staring out over the Pacific with an expressionless face. I stand next to him and speak low, murmuring beneath the wind.

"I want you to listen to me and I want you to think about what I'm going to tell you."

From under my jacket I produced a short, unremarkable knife. It does not gleam or sing in the wind, it does not hold any decoration or ceremonial markings. It has the look of a blunt killing tool, hard and cruel and well worn. Jacob looks at the knife and then to me.

"Do you know what this is?"

He is in awe.

"Only in legend. The Tóh-kul Ha-í-tút. It looks different than I imagined. Stranger."

I hold the knife level between us.

"I had to kill to get this. I was going to use it on myself when I thought Bella was dead. The one I took it from called it the Anapellus. "

I looked at him, waiting for a response.

"Literally, Wolf's Bane."

"I know, Suckhead."

"Oh, sorry, it's just that…."

"I had to take basic botany too. It's a Latin root for some kind of poisonous plant."

"At the Reservation school?"

"Uh, _yeah._ What, you think we're a bunch of indigenous morons, that it?"

"No, it's just that…."

"Your Paleface is showing, Edward. Just because you took Latin in some stuck up Ivy League school…"

"I never took Latin."

"But you speak it."

"Yes, I know a clan who speaks only Latin. We spent most of the 1940's together."

"Wait, they only speak Latin because…"

"It's their native tongue."

"So they're…"

"Yeah, old."

"Really old. Like biblical old."

I shift uncomfortably.

"The knife, Pup, focus."

"Right. The knife. It's just that, I mean, Latin? Really? How do they work an iPhone? I mean, gross, they're _so_ old!"

"Look! You're language is older and your tribe gets along fine. iPhones and all."

He smiles.

"You're defensive! Look at you. World passing you by, Eddy? Can't find any good moonshine speakeasies these days?"

Jacob's snickers quickly dissolve into full belly laughs.

"Hoo, ah, ha – please tell me you know how to do the Charleston? How about unlacing a corset? I bet you miss that sweet action!"

I throw the knife into the ground and charge him, hissing out curses. In seconds I have him pinned to a tree by his throat.

"I will undo you, Dog, if you do not take this seriously. Lives could be lost over this foolishness."

He was not smiling, his face a stone mask.

"You tell me you never thought about any of that. You tell me you never thought about fitting into _her world_."

I release him. The fight melts out of me. He rubs his throat and eyes me with more curiosity than fear.

"So you have."

"Yes."

"And…"

"And so I have. Nothing more."

Jacob spits on the ground.

"Ha, typical Leech."

* * *

I don't dream. But sometimes a memory or thought will be so intense; it's like entering a dream state.

The world falls away and I'm dreaming about Bella. She's in the forest, in the dirt, curled around her core. Eventually Sam Ulley finds her. I owe him my life because he saved her from me.

I see little else but this dream these days. I starve myself and hallucinate about Bella on the ground and me in the trees. About Sam Ulley doing what I could not. I often wake from these dreams choking on air I don't need, screaming and scraping at my face.

Our table, other surrounding tables and multiple booths crash in every direction. Maggie and her trucker friend come stumbling out of the kitchen, half dressed. They and I gaze in awe at the destruction. In the middle of the splintered dinning room stands Jacob, or rather a too large wolf version of him. He's snarling and spitting inches from my face, unaware of our witnesses.

"Jacob! Can you hear me? There are people here. Don't you understand?"

His feral eyes give me nothing and he lunges, for the second time tonight, towards my throat. I deftly step aside, leaving Jacob a direct line toward the nearest plate glass window. The sound of him crashing through the window is deafening. Glass shards fly around us in an erratic halo.

Jacob lands squarely on his feet and wheels back around to face the diner. We stared through the broken glass at each other. I'm in total shock, which is only furthered when he turns suddenly and runs off into the darkness; his mind echoing base loathing and snarls.

He truly is a child. Bastard dog.

I look around the diner, surveying the damage. Waitress Maggie and her trucker are clutching one another under the counter. The big man is unconscious, probably from whatever caused his head to bleed. Bleed. Holy hell, of course there had to be blood. Perfect.

* * *

Notes wrapped in twine:

_B – _

_For what it's worth, it's never too late to be whoever you want to be. There are no rules. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things you've never felt before. I hope you meet people with different points of view. I hope you live a life that you're proud of and I hope you have the strength to start all over again. This I hope the most. _

_- E _

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* * *

_

He walks over to where the knife is pointing up from the ground. He nudges it with his foot and recoils.

"This thing really made from wolf teeth and wolf skin?"

"Yes. But it's not from those like your tribe. It was made from others who bear their transformations like a disease. It courses through their blood and it's uncontrollable, contagious. A plague."

"Can they kill you like I can?"

"Yes. That's the same."

"So this knife…"

"The legend is true, it can harm my kind."

"You mean kill."

"Yes."

He picks it up, examining the blade. For him it's dull to the touch. For me it would pierce my skin and boil my insides. There was a time I would have welcomed that knife into my chest, but ultimately I couldn't do it. Funny, I should still be so concerned with mortal sin. I shudder against the memory.

He looks at me, his eyes full of mistrust.

"Why did you bring this here?"

I put my hand over Jacob's, closing his fingers around the leather hilt of the weapon. He cringes.

"I am giving this to you Jacob Black. I am giving you the power to destroy me."


	4. Chapter 4

_Oh my! It's been a month with nothing, nada, zip. Well, I've reread, revised and re-drove myself crazy getting this chapter together, but it's finished! Chapter four is the start of a turning point for our fearless friends: We explore Bella and Jake's relationship a little more, how Edward feels about said relationship and what to do about a busted up diner. Bon Appetit! _

_Characters = _Stephenie Meyer.

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Strangled by the Thought

Part I

4

"I've been waiting a while."

"I know, I'm sorry, I lost track of time."

"You didn't call."

"My phone died."

"I'm aware. You still could have called. I presume they have a working telephone."

No response, she's fuming at the kitchen table.

"Did you eat?"

"Not really."

"You should. Now."

She hauls herself up and quickly swings the refrigerator door open. Condiment bottles rattled in protest.

She stands there, with her back to me, staring into the fridge.

With a small amount of hesitation, I reach out, grasping her shoulders. "I'm sorry. I know this is hard on you."

She laughs skeptically and shakes her head.

"What do _you_ know? Beyond Charlie and Renee, he's the only family I have. I love your family," Her voice hitches and she draws a breath, "And you're genetically _destined_ to hate mine!"

"Bella, he's not your family."

She jerks like I've slapped her. Her eyes are wide.

Gently, I take both her hands; "I'm your family now."

Tears loom. I try to hold her closer, but she forcefully pushes away.

"No. Not now."

And she's gone, up the stairs; I hear her slam and lock her bedroom door. Then, after a pause, I hear her slam and lock her bedroom window.

When it's clear she isn't coming back, I close the refrigerator door and quietly leave her father's house.

* * *

"Are you hurt?"

Maggie shakes her head, fear coating her features.

"W-w-what was that th-thaat _thing_?"

Here we go, more lying, more deceit. How to handle this catastrophe?

"What thing Ma'am? Are you okay? Can I help you up?"

As I'm pulling Maggie to her feet, the trucker's blood smears over us. I immediately cut off my airways. She's shaking violently.

"Y-you did'n see that _thing_?"

I walk her slowly to a booth and go back for the trucker.

"No Ma'am, no 'thing' I can recall. All I remember was the storm letting up and then, well, BAM! I was blown from my seat."

Her friend seemed okay, a little roughed up but no major damage. His blood smells of coffee and something else, something strong. I take another cautionary whiff and immediately recognize the scents: _OxyContin and Methamphetamine_. An inhumanly quick search of his pockets yields a well-worn bottle of pills. This could help.

"I-I-know what ah seen! It was a _thing._ A monster! Oh – it ate your friend! He was there an then, well POOF! Gone and that monster exploded mah diner! Oh no, oh shit. Poor Freddie. He's hurt; some piece of a booth hit him right in his head. Is he alright?"

I was behind the counter, making her a cup of coffee. The pills look serious, half green and black, these aren't over the counter pharmaceuticals. I stir two capsules into Maggie's drink; on a second thought I add a third pill. With any luck she'll be out before the police arrive.

I truly hate this part of who I am. Drugging an innocent waitress on a Tuesday night. Jesus.

"Yes, Freddie will be fine. I made him more comfortable. Here, drink this, it'll help you calm down."

I blow subtly into her face, dazzling her.

"Thank you. Ah'm _so_ scared! I mean, what the heck happened?"

She takes a huge gulp from her mug. To my relief she doesn't notice the bitter pill taste.

"I'm going to guess it was some sort of tornado. With this storm and all, it's likely."

Maggie considers this while taking another gulp of coffee. She wrinkles her face.

"Nah, I don't think so. Your friend! He's gone…"

I pretend to look distraught. Thinking of Jacob being gone doesn't exactly inspire panic.

"Oh – I should go out and look for him. He's probably in the parking lot – he's probably hurt!"

I motion toward the phone.

"Call the fire department and tell them there's been a tornado. Even if it wasn't, they won't come if you say it was, well, what you think it was."

She carries her coffee over to the phone, drinking the rest of its poisonous contents. I wonder if she's aware she is drinking coffee at all, she seemed to drink only because I suggested so. Cold shock is written all over her face. Humans can't witness the supernatural and come away unscathed.

"Ah can tell the truth when they come, right? They'll see and they'll believe me."

I shrug my shoulders, acting distraught.

"Hard to say. I'm sure they'll listen. Look, I gotta go! My friend, I'm really worried that twister –"

"Monster-"

"What_ever_. It took him away. I need to go."

Before she can say another word, I take off in a human run towards the exit. The bell above the door rings mundanely, like nothing has happened. I look back into the diner and Maggie is slumped against the phone booth. Another moment and she goes completely limp, falling to the floor. Hopefully the police will write them both off as unreliable witnesses. Hopefully she won't remember Jacob, his monster self and me, through her drug haze.

* * *

"_How can you want her? She's so young….destroy us all…"_

Stray thoughts cut through my mind, they're not my own.

"Excuse me? I'm sorry, I must've misread you."

Jasper swings down from a tree, landing catlike before me.

"Now, don't get all worked up, Brother. I'm just trying to find some understanding."

"Right. Well, understand _this_," I shove his shoulder, "it's impossible not to want her."

I leap across a river; Jasper follows silently through the trees.

"_But she's not like us – she's made of meat, she can die so easily."_

"Look, I know it's messed up. My need to quite literally _murder_ her has warped into this ugly compulsion to protect her. And now I think I love her. _Ha! Love!_" I pound my fist against an evergreen, black birds startle and spread across a leaden sky. "Some days, when I'm hungry, I wonder if I only want to protect her so she'd be all mine to kill. Is that all love is to me now?"

Jasper drops down to a boulder next to me. I notice bloodstains splattered over his suit jacket and tie; he was distracted during our hunt. Alice will already be pissed, no doubt.

He sighs, "There's something I've been meaning to say. It's been on my mind ever since you saved her from that van accident. Something I've thought on ever since joining Alice and ya'll. Look, I know the great truth about mankind."

"Wow, I can't wait to hear this. Please, enlighten me oh wise southern yogi."

Jasper doesn't laugh. "It's something Carlisle will never admit to himself, a point of view he can't let himself see. Humans are as simple and foul as this: They eat, they shit, they fuck, they kill and they die. They're as good as dumb animals. Now vampires, we're a whole nuther thing. We fall in love, we build cities, we compose symphonies and most importantly we endure."

"Yeah, but human's do those things too. I mean it's pretty obvious they did them first, before we were ever created."

"That's one theory, sure nuff, but in the end the key difference is our _deliberateness_. They've created marvels but they destroy them as soon as they're done birthin'. They don't value anything, leastways not in the long term. They die too soon and the next generation always thinks they're better, stronger and smarter. So humans destroy, build and destroy again, endlessly and pointlessly. But it's vampire nature to craft and hone and forge for hundreds of years until only perfection emerges. Mankind would be shit without us. Any technological advancement of importance in the last 4000 years is due to vampire knowledge and vampire skill. We drive the goddamn world."

"Jazz," I don't know what to say, it's unsettling to hear vampire jingoism coming from the mouth of a brother, "you know I don't believe that stuff. It's bullshit Volturi propaganda. You and I are far more capable of being debased animals than any human I've ever seen. And what does this have to do with Bella?"

He smirks a sideways grin, "Fes up Brother, you're all swole up on the idea of her being human. You _like_ her human; it makes you a goddamn humanitarian. Then you go on and on, pissing and moaning about how fucking hard it is to love her. That's why the Volturi are so damned angry. You're betraying our kind by choosing a mortal girl. And well, like I said, I'm just trying to find some understanding."

I really didn't have a whole lot to say to that, so I got up and left.

* * *

"First, no touch."

Jacob took a step from me and brushed off his hand in mock disgust.

"Second, What. The. Fuck?"

I sighed in frustration. The storm was about to break; small, misty drops of rain were falling with increasing speed.

"Look, it's simple really. But do we have to do this here? Can we go somewhere…more civilized?"

I gestured toward the broken mass that was the ranger station and the erupting sky.

"Like where, Blood Junkie? I'm naked and you're a mess. I think that might attract some attention if we go anywhere public."

He was right; we looked awful.

"Lets break for one half hour and get cleaned up. There's a place not far from here. It'll be empty this time of night. Do you know the Ocean Market & Gas?"

"That 24 hour truck stop? Yeah, it's a dive."

"So we're in agreement?"

"No tricks, I keep the knife."

I was examining my ragged clothes. Alice will be upset.

"Of course. Bring it with you. It will add some…gravity…to what I need to say."

He turned to leave, the knife in his teeth.

"Whatever. 30 minutes, Leech."

He transformed and lopped off into the woods. I turned the opposite direction and started running. My car wasn't too far from here and I had extra clothes in the trunk. It was raining in earnest now; the sky had split open above the ocean. Running through the storm was invigorating; the sensation isolated me. I felt free. Water poured down my face and soaked the tattered rags on my body. Each clap of thunder was deafening as lightning arched gloriously across the open ocean. The world was being violently washed anew. But Jacob and the knife were never far from my mind. This will work. It had to.

* * *

Alone in her room, my favorite place in the whole damn world.

I wrap her up in my arms, smelling and kissing and delighting in her hair and skin. Ah, Bella. My little Bella love.

Against my will, we begin a slowly defeating conversation about my past. It bothers me to be so renitent with the details of my life. But I can't gush about being a monster; it makes me sick to just formulate the words.

"Once I left Carlisle I lived loose. Wandered most of the time."

"You were all alone?"

"I was told, a long time ago, I would be alone. When you're different than most, it will be that way."

A pause issued between us, I could sense her trying to read between the lines of my sparse words.

"It bothers you."

She's eyeing me speculatively, her head lying casually on my arm.

"To talk about the past."

I can't answer right away, as her distracting fingers are slowly trailing along my chest and around the collar of my shirt. Up my torso, and lightly down my stomach, dancing around my belt and then grazing very low on my hip. Ah. Yes.

"It does. I know. I can tell because you get all still, like a stone. It's disturbing, by the way, when you freeze like that. One moment you're soft, well as soft as you ever get, and the next, I couldn't move your pinkie finger if I wanted to."

I sigh and put my hand over her wandering one, gently squeezing it as I bring it back up to my chest.

"It doesn't bother me, I can't see how it could."

She turns to meet my gaze, her brown eyes serious. "Don't lie." Then she wiggles out of my arms and leaves her bed. She opens the window and leans out into the air, letting the morning light in.

But I will lie. I will always lie, to protect her. She can be angry with me, if it means she's safe. I can take it.

* * *

Heat, raw and white, surges through me. I reel over the highway, into the dark forest where Jacob's sent is strongest.

How _dare_ he?

Our cover has been completely blown, as is I'm calling in favors to clean this mess up. His actions are a blatant disregard to all our kind, a horrible disruption to the normal state of Forks. People, well most specifically Maggie and Trucker Man, may have to be killed over this. The lie must be protected; the glass bubble cannot be shattered. What about Maggie's kid?

God, what a selfish ass. How _dare_ he?

I'm roughly 15 miles from the diner by now. His sent heads west, through the hills, up a steep mountainside. I follow, fast and hard, through the thick trees. His wild, unthinking trail has left broken tree limbs and upturned earth in its wake. Subtle, Jacob. Jesus, this kid is a lot of work.

I freeze, every nerve in my body tenses. Jacob is mounted on a rocky hillside, just above my head. He's staring down at me, the Anapellus gripped possessively in his right hand. His eyes are glassy in the moonlight, like they can't see me, though they're focused dead center on my chest.

"Jacob! You knew you were tempting fate by getting involved with Bella, with me. It had to come to this. Eventually."

His face revealed nothing. His mind, also, was cold and blank.

My voice, though weaker than I would like, echoes hollowly off the rock faces surrounding us.

"This life I'm leading, if you can even call it that, is wearing so thin. I'm loosing control, slipping… I always knew you and Bella could be lovers, because it's obvious you can't be friends. If you both give in, admit what you feel, then both of you can stop hurting all the time. _I _can stop hurting her."

His mind brought forward an image of Bella, beautiful, pure. Some sunlit memory I had no part of. Probably from the time they spent together when I was busy running away. She looked happy, though he couldn't help but remember the deep purple circles under her eyes and her pale, waxy skin. How she always clutched her center, like her lungs were threatening to fall out. That would be my contribution, if any, in his perfect memory of her.

His wrist shifted, flashing the Anapellus in a tense, menacing way. Any moment now, I can already hear the gears clicking into place.

* * *

"Edward, come on, it's just beer."

We're driving fast on a dark forest road and I'm angry.

She's been drinking. With a wolf.

"I can't trust you with him, he impairs your judgment too much!"

"Whoa, wait. No he doesn't. AND, you're being rude. And shouty."

She starts to giggle, but a combination of a hiccup and a burp cut her off.

"And anyway, you're the one always telling me to," she puffs out her chest and deepens her voice to impersonate me, "_'Have as many human experiences as possible_' before I'm changed."

"This is _not_ what I had in mind."

"Yeah? Well you're not the human."

"Now who's being rude?"

"Whatever, Edward! I know the drill. No sex. No drugs. All vegetables and homework and to bed by nine. No wonder I want to be a vampire – my life is boooooring!"

She can't mean that. It's the alcohol, I hope.

"Drinking cheap beer with Jacob Black is not the height of excitement."

"Oh, and drinking blood is?"

Her face falls as soon as the question leaves her lips. She knows she's crossed a line. I pick my words carefully so they don't sound as furious as I feel.

"I didn't choose this Bella. You'd do well to remember that."

She turns her face away; her reflection is unreadable in the car window. After an uncomfortable silence she mutters, "I know that. I'm sorry. Just, lay off Jacob. He's my friend and sometimes friends do stuff like this together."

We're quiet for the rest of the drive to her house. One thought skips like a record in my head: _I'm going to murder your friend. _


	5. Chapter 5

_Well, here's the last chapter from Edward's point of view (EPOV), a chunk of story I'm affectionately calling PART 1. Brilliant title, really. PART 2 will be exclusively in Bella's point of view (BPOV, 'natch). And trust me (if anyone is even reading this drivel) you'll want to stick around for the second installment. It's gonna be big and gory and full of adventure. _

_Anyhoo, last chapter we got to see Bella and Edward fight over Jacob, the Shirtless Wonder. There was a little disaster at a diner, more broody thinking on the nature of vampire and mortal love and a drunk Swan. This chapter we get down to business with the creepy knife introduced in chapter two, the other Cullen's make an appearance, along with a pack of wolves and appendages end up flying all over the damn forest. Fun times! _

_Because it hasn't been said in a while, this shit does not belong to me. It's all Stephanie Meyer's brain juice, I just drink the kool-aid. _

_Song:_

_**the**__**topdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com**_/post/3245093526/a-song-for-chapter-five-of-strangled-by-the

_Image:_

_**the**__**topdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com**_/post/3245207931/illustration-of-jacob-finding-bella-on-first

_

* * *

_

Strangled by the Thought

Part I

5

Eleazar Denali touches a painting, one of many on his wall. It's an old family portrait; each person is serenely beaming at us through the picture, except one, whose face has been violently slashed from the canvas. "My mother did this." His hand grazes the ragged hole, "She was a charming woman. Very Christian, very superstitious. She had no tolerance for me after my….'transformation'. I was 17."

"You went back to your human family?"

"I was young, foolish. I didn't know how to be dead to the world. I didn't know exposing my true nature to mortals would endanger all our kind. She, of course, banished me as a demon, a monster inhabiting the body of her son. The town chased me, for what seemed like months. Hunting me like a dog."

I awkwardly adjusted a picture frame, aware of his piercing eyes on me, "Where did you go?"

"Eventually I found your father, he always welcomed me in his house. I see so much of him in you, Edward."

"Eleazar, I don't deserve that. I'm nothing like Carlisle."

"Don't be modest. You stand by his teachings more faithfully than any of us."

"But what about my bloodlust for that Swan girl? What if I can't be like Carlisle anymore?" I startled Eleazar by cracking my fist on the wall, several paintings fell to the floor, "_I just feel so angry all the time_. What if because of her something's gone wrong inside me. What if I'm becoming bad?"

Something changed in Eleazar's perfectly smooth face; it swelled with concern and heartbreak. He grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at him.

"I want you to listen to me very carefully, Edward. _You're not a bad person_."

I flinched, but he held me tight.

"You're a very good person, though horrible things have happened to you. You understand?"

I nodded. I wanted to believe him; I could feel my chest about to burst with want.

"Besides," Eleazar continued, releasing me, "the world isn't split into darkness and light, we all have good and bad inside of us. What matters is the side we choose to act on…that alone reveals who we really are."

* * *

Something's wrong; Jasper, Emmett and Bella should be here by now. I told Alice to look out for my location, to watch for my decision. Where the hell are they?

"Confused, Leech?"

Jacob spat down at me.

"Wondering where your precious coven is? Why they haven't come to witness me murdering you?"

Thoughts crept through the brush, faint at first, but growing stronger. Wolf thoughts. Soon I could hear the thudding of great paws, echoing from every side, surrounding Jacob and I in a tight circle. If my count was right there were more thoughts and paws and smells than his ordinary pack. Far more.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Jacob. "

"Oh ho! Now he wants to play innocent. You set this up; you were banking on my rage to take over. So I'd try and kill you in front of a hundred witnesses," Jacob was spitting in his anger, "And you could fight me off and kill me and become the hero. The justified. This knife, this whole goddamn night, was a set up."

"Jacob, why is your pack here?"

His words from earlier tonight rang through my head, _"I ran into the pack on the way. Not everyone can lie to family so easily."_ Damn, he was just toying with me in the diner, biding time.

He jumped down the cliff, gracefully swinging from trees and leaping off of boulders until he landed squarely at my feet. "Why shouldn't they be here Eddie? I'm about to slay the famous Edward Cullen! Why not have an audience?" The Anapellus was inches away from my chest, looking small and unassuming.

I looked around for any trace of my family, trying to hide my growing desperation.

"They're busy, Suckhead. You won't see your family around here anytime soon."

I growled deep in my chest, but just then the wolves came out of the shadows, 11 of them in all. 11! Where did they all come from? I growled, "If you've done anything to hurt my family…"

"Whoa, easy there, Ed. Nothing's wrong with your demented coven. I said they're busy and I meant it. Jared! Report in!"

To my left, a sandy brown wolf shuddered and shrunk back to man size and flesh. He trotted up to Jacob, ignoring me, "The leader and his mate are at the diner talking with the police. Seems that waitress remembered seeing you both. They're keeping them for questioning," Jared nodded slightly in my direction, "until they find him."

Jacob clapped him on the shoulder, "Good work, bro."

Jared resumed his wolf form and rejoined the ranks. "Sam!" Jacob barked, "Report in!"

A huge black wolf padded closer to us and melded into a huge man. "Seems the vampire scum we dredged up from Portland successfully followed us into Forks. She's fed on one person, on Cullen territory. So, as we speak, the big one and the mean one are chasing her towards Canada. She's fast, it'll take a while."

Jacob and Sam locked arms, "Thank you, Brother," Jacob muttered with deep respect. Sam, though looking extremely tense, gave Jacob a small nod. He transformed and placed himself at the head of the wolves.

"See," Jacob grinned, "No harm, no foul Eddie."

"That still leaves Alice and Rosalie." I growled, causing the circle to tighten around us.

"Yes, them. It seems the creepy one and that blond demon bitch have been with Bella all night…. at the hospital."

"What? What's happened?" My stomach lurched, I new it was a bad idea to leave her alone, unprotected. Shit, stupid, stupid idiot! "Tell me what you know!" I shuffled closer to him, ignoring the pack and the knife.

"We don't know why, I swear. She just went in with them. She didn't look hurt. Jesus, man, calm down before your balls drop off."

I ran my hands through my hair. Bella in the hospital, Carlisle talking to the police, my brothers chasing after a decoy vampire; could this night get any worse?

A familiar truck engine roaring through the forest told me yes; yes it can always get worse.

* * *

"Something will have to be done, about that."

Alice looked pointedly to where Bella and that kid from the Quileute reservation were talking. Where did he come from? Last I checked this was a Forks High School prom.

Jasper draped his arm across Alice and fixed me with a meaningful stare.

"You're both overreacting. He's a harmless boy. They've known each other a long time…" I gave another critical glance toward Bella, that kid was teasing her about the bulky cast on her leg.

"You don't know what I know, Edward." Alice sighed in that annoying, know-it-all way. "They're closer than you think, than even Bella realizes."

Jasper laughed, "What're you talking about Baby? Spit it out, don' tease now." He ruffled her hair and Alice squealed, immediately pulling out a compact to check the damage.

"Kids," she sniffed, pulling a curl back into place, "Two of them, with her eyes and his everything else. I've seen it." She snapped her compact shut and waltzed off, Jasper trailing behind.

I balked. Turning on my heel I marched over to where Bella and that Motherfucker sat, hoping she wouldn't notice my eyes as they clouded to black.

* * *

"So it's all set."

Alice leaned away from the library table, pushing her books to one side. Jasper absentmindedly grabbed her hand, his vision distant with thought. Between us was a dirty brown package, wrapped in twine.

"Man, if Carlisle and Esme find out, they're gonna to be pissed," Emmett sighed. "And it just doesn't feel right not telling Rose. We never keep shit like this from each other."

"You have to this time. She'll go to Carlisle faster than you can say Gucci. She won't jeopardize our life here."

"But you will." Alice fixed me with a sad stare.

"For her, Alice, I will. It's going to be war because this stupid kid won't give Bella up. We've been through this, I'm changing her as soon as we're married and that, no matter how fucking consensual it is, breaks our treaty with them. They made the rules…"

"We all made the rules." Jasper interjected.

"Yes, but he's the inflexible one! This isn't hunting for blood; it's choosing a mate. It's love. He'll try to kill us all because I get to keep her."

I looked around from face to face. My brothers and sister looked uncertain, tense. I knew I was stretching their trust to the breaking point by asking them to do this for me.

"Just get Bella to me as soon as I make the decision. I'll take care of the rest. Don't worry," I intoned over the school bell, "It'll all work out. I swear."

* * *

"Jacob, just set the knife down. We can talk about this."

"No! You are _not_ going to play the innocent here! You gave this knife to me so I could kill you. _And I would_, but not in front of her."

"What's the difference Jacob?"

"IT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE!" He screamed. Somewhere the truck engine cut and doors opened and slammed shut. "It's the difference between the hero and the monster. YOU'RE THE MONSTER! Not me."

"Odd, Jacob, because we seem to be surrounded by monsters at the moment."

Every wolf growled and yipped, pawing the ground.

"No! You're the monster. You've broken her. You did this to her, you did this!"

Images flashed from Jacob's brain to mine, all revealing the gross deterioration of his best friend.

"Her body was washed up on the shore all limp and gray. She had thrown herself, _from a cliff_, into the _ocean_, so she could _die_ to be closer to _you_. "

His pack moved closer, on my left, Paul or Phil was it? flanked me and looked ready to pounce. Jacob closed the gap between us. "What – in your infinite wisdom, in your _unending life_ made you think for one _second_ I would let you near her again?"

I could hear familiar thoughts, Rosalie and Alice with Bella in tow, no doubt. They didn't know they were marching straight into a trap.

* * *

It's lunchtime and Forks High just started summer vacation. Bella and I are thrilled to have so much time together for the next few months. She just finished eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich, with bacon, much to my distaste. Though she was quick to point out I had no taste for human food.

"The King ate this sandwich. Show some respect."

"Alfonso the 13th?"

"What? Oh no, not _your_ moldy old Spanish king, Edward. This is Elvis' sandwich. You know, Heartbreak Hotel? The famous pelvis?"

"You know, Elvis slept with over 1,000 women during his lifetime."

"No!"

"Yes! It's true. He told me himself."

"Bullshit, Edward. You've never met Elvis Presley."

I laughed and she smiled with a fleck of peanut butter on her chin.

While she washed the dishes I noticed how wonderful her hands looked under the running water, with the sunlight hitting them just so. Such grace in those hands. I realized, with the sandwich and the joking and water, that his moment encompassed something I loved about Bella and I could never fully express why.

* * *

Fast, before I could react, a wolf had pushed me into Jacob. He promptly shoved the knife under my chin, holding me so my back was against his chest. I could feel the hum of the blade as it searched out the weaknesses in my flesh. It seemed to suck at my venomous skin, like a deadly parasite. Since my change I had never felt a knife's edge as being sharp or dangerous. Now, with a werewolf tooth lodged firmly against my jugular, I discovered this was a feeling I did not like.

The crowd of wolves around us tensed, each great shaggy head turned toward noises coming from the brush. Alice emerged first, followed by Rose. Just as quickly, before they had time to register the situation, massive teeth and paws had them on the ground. When the dust settled, Rose was hissing like a lioness and missing an arm. I glanced it crawling it's way back to her between the tall bushes. She looked horror stricken at the sight of her manicured nails and expensive rings pawing their way through mountain dirt.

Alice was intact, though her stare was fixed pointedly on me. Her eyes said 'You did this, Edward.' And I knew, without her having to say a word, that no matter what happens tonight, it's my fault.

Bella was the last to appear. Her eyes moved over Alice and Rosalie pinned on the ground, the lone arm in the bushes, the suddenly quiet wolves and finally they landed on Jacob, the knife and me. She was stunned and for a while she just stood rooted at the edge of the trees. Only when Rose's severed arm bumped into her foot did she stir. To my surprise, she gently plucked the wriggling appendage off the ground and walked over to Rose. She fixed the wolf on top of Rosalie with a shaming stare, "Leah, how could you?" The wolf growled and made no move to release her hostage. Bella sighed and bent down, handing Rose her arm. "I'm so sorry Rosalie."

It seemed everyone was holding his or her breath, waiting for Bella to exploded. She stood up and walked toward Jacob and myself, fixing each wolf with a devastating look of disappointment and pity. Some wolves backed down, others stood in stony defiance. "Jacob Black. What have you done?" She stopped in front of us and I could see her disappointment physically melt into fury.

Jacob sputtered, "Me? Why don't you ask your precious Bloodsucker what he's done?" The knife pushed farther into my skin and a slight burning sensation started. I sucked in a shallow breath. "Why don't you ask this scumbag vampire," Jacob shifted my body so I was facing her, "what he's been saying to me all night?"

She looked at me, her arms were tightly crossed and her feet were firmly planted, "Edward," she snapped, "What the hell is going on?"

* * *

I found Bella examining an odd lithograph hanging in Carlisle's study. It depicted a hooded monk knocking on a wooden door. Under the image was the inscription, "Quam angusta porta et arta via quae ducit ad vitam et pauci sunt qui inveniunt eam."

She jumped when I touched her shoulder, "Oh! Jesus Edward. Can't you make more noise? I'll drop dead one of these days if you don't watch it."

"Sorry, Love. You know, vampire and all."

"Right. Yeah. Hey, what's up with this picture? Most of this wall is covered in paintings, why did Carlisle hang this print here?"

I glanced at the inscription, it was familiar, "Matthew 7:14, New Testament."

"What's it mean? The monk looks miserable, like he's been waiting at that door forever."

"It's because he can't get in, he'll never get through that door. 'Because straight is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.' I'm guessing Carlisle hung it here because all his old Volturi paintings are on this wall."

Her eyes widened and she stepped back to take in more of the art. She let out a small gasp when she found Caius, Marcus and Aro's faces looking back at her from each painting. "I had no idea…" She marveled, stepping closer to me and taking my hand into her shaking one. "What does a bible verse have to do with them? It doesn't fit."

"Well, Matthew 7:14 is about choices. You can choose to follow a righteous path, which will lead you to the gates of heaven, or you can choose to stray. The constant pressures of everyday life can be distracting, causing a person to ignore their own spiritual growth. That's why few actually find the gate."

"So Carlisle's worried about being distracted from God? Don't you both believe you're damned already? It's hard to imagine more of a distraction."

I flinched at her casual mention of such a sensitive topic. But she continued, unaware of my discomfort. "How has the Volturi helped him find his path to God? If anything, I think the bastards damned him further." I recoiled and she misinterpreted my action, "Not that I believe in any of that nonsense, Edward." She fumbled, "I mean, come on. Carlisle's the best person I know."

After an awkward pause I quietly said, "He's not a person."

"What?" She blinked at me, confused.

"And neither am I."

She was at a loss.

"He has this quote to remind him of the righteous path, even if it won't ever lead him to God. The Volturi lost their path and they remind him of what he needs to do _everyday_, just to atone for his existence."

"Edward, he shouldn't have to say I'm sorry forever. It's not his fault."

"Everything happens for a reason, Bella."

She shook her head and laughed kindly, "C'mon, that's not true. None of you asked to be what you are."

"None of us yet."

She froze.

"Edward, I…I'm sorry if I've offended you…"

"For the record, Love, I believe in all this 'nonsense'." She flinched and quickly flushed red. I continued, the words rushing out of me, "And I've lost sight of God. Just like that monk I'll never be let in. Never. And soon, neither will you."

END OF PART 1


	6. Part II, Chapter 1

_Okay, so here's the first installment of part II of Strangled by the Thought. Part II is exclusively in Bella's point of view (BPOV), whereas part I was in Edward's point of view (EPOV). If you've stuck with this story so far, please hang in there. Diehard fans of Edward Cullen might hate this chapter, but everyone will just have to trust me! It'll culminate in a great adventure, promise._

_Last chapter we saw a dismembering, talked about the art on the walls of vampire houses, caught a glimpse of Edward's plan to kill Jacob and Bella stumbles into all of it halfway through. This chapter we see Jacob and Bella together and happy, sort of, we see Bella alone and sad and we get not one, but two plot twists. Joy. _

_None of these characters are mine, they belong to Stephenie Meyer. Lucky girl. _

_Song:_

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_Images:_

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* * *

Strangled by the Thought

PART 2

BPOV (Bella's Point Of View)

1

"I don't want to fight with you, if I can't have you."

I paused, my hand on his bedroom door, "Jake, that's not fair."

"Where's it getting us, Bella? Where does it always get us? I don't know why I should care…"

Turning, I saw he was still twisted in the sheets, propped up on one elbow. We had fallen into his bed, again, but like always it didn't go very far before I stopped. And, like always, I jumped up, fleeing for the door.

"I'm messed up right now Jake, you can't hold that against me. I'm trying. This…this was a mistake."

He frowned, sitting up, "You make me feel like a criminal, sneaking around. What's the point of all this? You're miserable and I'm useless. I'm done. I'm hanging it up. It's over."

I blinked, was he serious?

"Are you breaking up with me? You can't, we weren't even going out!"

To my surprise, he laughed. I felt myself smile.

"You're right, we weren't."

"Jake…" I could feel the tears about to come, though I really tried holding them back this time. God, I'm such a basket case lately.

"Look, we don't have to do anything. Just don't leave, c'mon." He opened his arms and smiled sadly. "Stay, please Bella."

* * *

After Edward explained, with Jacob interjecting his version every five seconds to make sure it was totally, absolutely clear all this was Edward's idea, I held up my hands for the both of them to shut up.

"None of this matters," I sighed.

Jacob snorted, "Thanks Bella. We're willing to become killers because of you and it doesn't matter?"

"No it doesn't. No matter whose stupid and completely irresponsible idea this was," I gave Edward a chilly glare, "Or who spit in whose Kool-Aid. It. Does. Not. Matter."

"Bella…"Edward started, but I stopped him with a wave of my hand.

"Jacob. I Just found out, right now, not a moment before I was taken here, that I'm pregnant."

"Bullshit."

"Any other day you'd be 100% right. But this time you're %100 percent wrong."

"What is this? Bella, come on…"

"I have the results, right here. Just look at it!"

I began to pull the medical sheet from my pocket, but Jacob pressed the knife deeper into Edward's neck.

"No, please! Jake, just look at it!"

He signaled for Paul to take the documents from me. As Paul transformed from a wolf into a man I noticed the cruel smile etched onto his face…it was an awful thing to see. Something wasn't right; these weren't the men I thought I knew. He roughly snatched my proof from my jacket and pushed me back into the wolves Embry and Sam, who quickly restrained me from running toward Edward.

Jake took a look at the papers, "I don't know what this fucking shit means."

"Look at the bottom, under my name. It's right there Jake, it's true!"

Jacob took another moment to read over the sheet, balancing Edward and the knife under one arm as he read.

I met Edward's eye and I wasn't prepared for what I saw. Joy. He was radiant. At least someone was taking this as good news.

The papers were crumpled and thrown to the ground, "Okay!" Jake growled out, "So you went to that vamp doctor, which doesn't reassure me. So what if I believe you're pregnant? What then?"

I whimpered against my restraints, "Go _home._ I'll do the same."

* * *

"It's almost time!"

Jessica Stanley was running around the house, poking her head into various rooms and alerting everyone to the approach of midnight.

I shifted, tugging my dress up and down for the millionth time tonight. I knew it was too short, too tight to fit my usual baggy standards. But Angela Webber insisted, saying the blue color really suited me. As much as I protested, I knew she was right. A vampire had told me the same thing a long time ago.

Mike Newton, who had been hovering since I got to the party, grabbed my hand and pulled me into the quickly filling living room. Between the alcohol swimming through my veins and the heels I was forced to wear, I unsurprisingly stumbled as Mike was pulling me. My drink sloshed on my dress and covered part of the floor. "Whoops, easy there…" Mike grinned, just as Jessica reappeared to take him further into the crowd. "C'mon, it's almost midnight!" She crowed over the din of music and conversation.

"I'll catch up – I need to find a towel." I gestured to my dress, but they were already moving on. Whatever was left of our tenuous friendship, I most certainly weakened over the last four months with my zombie-like behavior. I wasn't so callous that I didn't see the damage my emotional departure had caused to Jessica and especially Angela. But, unlike Jessica, Angela was still genuinely happy to take me to this party. Put me in this dress. Get me this drunk. For the first time in four months I felt almost normal since Edward left. But somewhere in the back of my mind I reminded myself it was all superficial glaze over a festering wound.

I marched upstairs to a vacant bathroom, the echoes of "10, 9, 8…" following me. The door shut with a click, ineffectively muffling the "7, 6, 5…" emanating from the full house. I looked in the mirror, my dress was stained but I did look very pretty. Except my face, which was tight with an ugly emotion. I didn't plan on spending New Year's Eve alone this year; I didn't plan any of what had happened this year. It just…happened. "4, 3, 2…" the voices rose to a jubilant pitch. I didn't plan any of it; I had no control, no choice. "1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Bottles of champagne popped, sound makers whistled and people cheered, laughing and kissing and shouting.

Looking at my reflection I realized I had no one to kiss tonight. For the hundredth, millionth time I ran my fingers over the crescent shaped scar on my hand. It was my only prof the last year had happened at all. Without knowing why, I brought my wrist up to my mouth and lightly kissed the cold, silvery skin. "Happy New Year, Bella." I whispered, tears running through my carefully applied mascara.

* * *

_The wudd wudd wudd of a heartbeat muffled my ears. I could see blood running through a lacework of veins and arteries. The skin was illuminated pink and red and yellow by a bright light. Was I inside a heart? _

_Then everything changed and I was outside, lying on my back. Birds were chirping in the early morning sunlight. He was there, sitting next to me, eating something. I couldn't see what it was but I saw he was naked. I blushed. _

"_What are you eating?" I asked._

"_My heart. My heart." He replied. _

"_Why are you eating your heart?" I asked._

_He turned, blood stains ringed around his mouth. He was holding a mass of pulsating flesh._

"_Because it's good. Bitter. But I like it because it's bitter," He took another bite, "And because it's my heart."_

I woke with a start. It was still dark outside, I'd only been asleep an hour or so. I was drenched in sweat and panting hard. Suddenly I felt pain lance across my lower abdomen. Groaning I sat, clutching my center. I felt ill.

Another flash of pain, this one felt somehow familiar. Was I cycling? I mentally counted in my head. Wait, that can't be right. I counted again.

"Shit." I jumped out of bed and grabbed my phone, which was ringing.

"Hey Alice. Is Edward there? No. Right. What did you see?" I already knew the answer before she said a goddamn word. But I needed to hear someone say it to make it real. "Yeah. I need to go see Carlisle. Now. What? Well take me to the hospital then – I'll see him there! Yeah. Okay. Yeah, fine she can come. See you in 10."

I stood in front of the mirror, poking my abdomen. It didn't look any different. Shit.

* * *

Jacob was debating; I could see the defeat and questions flood his face. Too many questions, but there was no time, I had to get that knife away from Edward's throat. "_Go home, Jacob!_ Don't do this. I need him now. I can't go through this alone. _Please!_"

His hand quivered, I could feel indecisiveness ripple through his pack. It was going to work, my little 'Nudger will save us all…but then I did something very, very bad.

Thinking it was over, Embry and Sam released me and I flew instantly toward Jacob, toward Edward and the knife. Jake, for a quick, sick second thought I was running to him, not Edward. In his mind, for whatever reason, I had chosen him. Time slowed and as I flung myself into the arms of my lover, of the father of my unborn child, I saw a second too late the chagrin resurface in Jake's face. Two seconds too late.

Jacob kicked, hard, and I flew in the opposite direction. Sam stepped on my chest, pinning me to the ground, his wild eyes looking to Jake for the next command.

Before Edward could free himself, before I had time to scream, the knife cut through the white stone of Edward's neck. Like fire through ice it sliced clean and true, parting his perfect head from his beautiful body.

Alice and Rosalie wailed.

The pack, sensing the moment had finally arrived, attacked.

As I said, Edward's head was severed at the neck, just below the jawline. His limbs were torn asunder from his body, and then torn again and again into white chunks of stony flesh. His toes were cut off, his fingers were cut off. He was quickly and brutally castrated. His torso, now the only whole part of his person, was quartered and then each section was quartered once more. In the end, they left the head intact, so he could better watch and understand his own destruction.

All the while he cried my name.

Jacob never transformed, instead he cut and rendered in the form of a man, hacking the knife with swift, sure movements. In the end he stuffed Edward's screaming head into a waiting bag, his pack collecting the pieces into separate smaller pouches.

Rosalie and Alice were screaming and growling in the background, but I didn't really hear them. At one point, before I recovered from my shock, they must have been decapitated as well, because the noise abruptly stopped. Jacob advanced toward me. I was so ill with shock, so terrified of what I just witnessed, I could only cower in the dirt. The knife was thrown at my feet, "Congratulations," was all he said before the pack disappeared into the forest with the scattered remains of Edward Cullen.

* * *

Small rocks rolled down the hillside as we made our way through the green landscape. Climbing ever upward along a gentle slope, I looked back to see Jacob. He was scrambling up a large crop of boulders, his knees and palms scraping up the gray rock. "Come on Jake, it's just a bit further!" He was mounted on the largest boulder and was scanning the horizon with one hand shading his eyes. I was afraid he would fall, I was afraid we wouldn't get to where I wanted to go in time. We had to go before our parents realized we were missing. But mostly, I was marveling at this beautiful day, the hot sun and the forest that was our giant playground. Nothing bad could happen as long as Jacob Black was near me.

8th grade graduation was behind me and the world of high school awaited. I felt this would be my last summer in Forks, with Jacob and the 'Rez', and Charlie, my father. Things were changing. In the beginning I was reluctant to accept Forks as a summer home, now I was faced with the choice of letting it go forever. It was doomed to be a short, green and rainy asterisk in my life.

"You have to see this, Bells – you can see all the way down to the shore!"

"I know what the stupid beach looks like. I want to go!"

I lobbed a pebble at his feet; it missed and skipped off the boulder.

"Chillax, Ms. Swan. I'm comin'."

He climbed down from his perch and was at my side, fixing me with a stubborn frown. "You are _so_ pushy, you know that? They won't even know we're gone until half-time."

I stuck out my tongue and returned the frown. "You're such a Dork. That's not what I'm worried about. I want to see the killer whales before they leave. It's a once in a lifetime thing. C'mon!"

He rolled his eyes at me as I pulled him by his shirt up the trail. As we walked the trees and ferns slowly gave way to sand and grass. After rounding a sharp bend the whole sky and ocean opened before us. We emerged on a very steep bluff that overlooked the water, which sparkled and heaved in rolling waves. I held Jacob's hand as we watched the whales dip in and out of sight, spraying water that turned into millions of diamonds in the sunlight.

It was beautiful.


	7. Part II, Chapter 2

_Well here's the second installment of Strangled by the Thought, Part Deux. Last chapter we found out a whole heck of a lot. Bella and Jake's past and present and present past were explored further. Our fearless heroine is totally knocked up, Jake is very pissed about this dirty little secret and…oh yeah, Edward's head was parted from his lovely body. Now, please trust. This is going somewhere very cool, just keep on reading!_

_All this belongs to Mrs. S. Meyer, I'm just paying homage._

**_Remember to bounce over to _ thetopdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com/ **for all the photos, music and fun associated with each chapter.

Photo for Chapter 2:

thetopdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com/post/3633554263/edward-cullens-severed-head-illustration-for

Music for Chapter 2:

thetopdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com/post/3633566724/a-song-for-part-ii-chapter-2-of-strangled-by-the

_Cheers,_

_Dixie Lou_

* * *

Strangled by the Thought

PART 2

2

I see Alice's pixie head bobbing through the mass of students in the hallway. She looks very excited about something. Oh, fantastic. I turn to my locker, meticulously putting my books away and waiting for the inevitable.

"Bella!"

I don't turn around.

"Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella!"

Sigh. I turn and she's bounding up to me, waving like we haven't seen each other for months. "Alice, what's up?" I say casually, ignoring her enthusiasm.

She's bouncing on the balls of her feet in front of me, "You. Me. Shopping. After school today. And you know what? You're going to say yes!"

"Today? I dunno – history paper and math problems and…." I mumble several other dull reasons to her before she sighs dramatically.

"You're history paper will get an A, with extra credit for the poem you'll find from the civil war, which is on library shelf 16, number 934-102, Bulge-Echoes: A Collection of Poems of the Civil War. Your math will scrape by and Mr. Binns won't even be there tomorrow, his kid will be sent home sick and he'll have to leave before lunch. And as for your biology homework, puh-lease, isn't Edward your lab partner? It's a cakewalk."

She's looking at me with shining eyes, a triumphant smile on her face. God. Okay. "Okay, alright already. Shopping. Let's do it before you predict my eminent death or something."

Alice squeals. In her best Fred Astaire imitation, she picks me up like I'm Ginger Rogers and spins me around. The other students stop and stare and by the time she sets me down I'm blushing furiously. So she's strong, so what? Super, freaky strong. They still don't have to gawk at us.

"Oh, Bella," Alice laughs, "Your death isn't eminent. Well, not like really eminent, at least."

Lord, what have I just agreed to?

**_0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0_****_-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0_**

* * *

It's quiet. I'm cold. Leaves rustle in the wind, somewhere a river is running fast. My hands are shaking bad; they feel numb and lighter than air. My body is an odd mixture of tingling flesh and deadened senses. It feels like I could float away or disappear at any moment. There's a vague ache in my abdomen, but I can't think about that now, so I push the pain away, shelving it for later. Gradually I become aware of my breathing; it's inconsistent, little more than a series of shallow gasps. I feel blind, but I know if I could just open my eyes, I would be able to see around me. The problem is, I don't want to see what's around me. Not now, not ever. Some things are too huge and sad and dead and real and….oh God, they're dead aren't they? I'm going to open my eyes and they'll be dead and he'll be gone. Dead and gone. If I open my eyes I'll know.

I open my lids a fraction of an inch, letting faint dawn light seep through the darkness. Once my pupils focus the first thing I can see is the knife. It's lying just in front of me; suspiciously clean of blood. I guess vampire murders don't involve much blood. Oh God. My eyes snap shut.

Some things are better not knowing.

Instead of opening my eyes again, I rake my hands across the ground, through the cool dirt and bits of tree. I grab handfuls of earth and concentrate on my breathing. In out in out, if I can breathe eventually I'll be able to see. I'm shaking all over like a sick person, like my bones are trying to jump out of my skin. I'm shaking so hard I start to forget how to breathe. I can't. I can't. I can't do this. He'd dead and gone. They're all dead and gone. Oh God, he's dead and g —

"Bella?"

I stop. My eyes fly open, searching for the source of my name. Spinning around I see Alice's decapitated head staring straight at me, "Bella?" her head inexplicably says, "I need your help over here. Could you please give me a hand?"

**_0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0_****_-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0_**

* * *

My fingers trail over his cool forehead, over his closed eyes and long lashes. I brush either side of his nose and came back to feel the softness of his earlobes. My hands travel down his cheeks and hungrily graze his jawline. The pads of my thumbs sweep over his lips, and to my delight, he playfully draws one digit into his mouth.

"You're so beautiful," I mutter stupidly, the words spilling out involuntarily. I can't touch him without remarking on his beauty; it seems a crime not to say it out loud.

He laughs gently, pulling my hands against his chest. "If you find a prison to be beautiful, Love."

"How do you mean?" I ask, preoccupied by his chest and the muscles rippling just below the intrusive shirt fabric. Would he let me undo a button or two? I just want a peak.

"These walls," He gestures to his arms and chest, his perfectly smooth face, "are strange. First you hate them. You feel trapped by the murder and the blood. A prisoner watching from the inside. You cope by separating the compulsions your new body has from the rational part of your brain. You say, 'this isn't me,' and 'I didn't do those horrible things. It's the vampire, it's not me.' Then you get used to them. Before you know it, you're a walking, talking nightmare and you like it that way."

I sit back on his lap, taking in more of his expression. This wasn't what I was thinking about when I called him beautiful. Damn it, he's totally killing the mood.

"But you mastered yourself," I reply, a little too petulantly, "Just like Carlisle. And you've been playing the piano for years and years before you gave up human blood. Your music isn't the work of a prisoner."

He looked off into the distance, his face serious, "To be honest, from in here," He points to his head, "playing piano doesn't make much sense for someone like me."

"In here," I put my hands over his stillborn heart, "it makes the most sense."

"Why?"

"Because it reminds you that there are places outside. Places that aren't made out of bloodlust and white stone."

"Yeah, but…"

"Edward, don't you dare stop playing music. Ever!" He looked slightly bewildered by my outburst, but suddenly I had this real fear he would give up the piano for good. "It reminds you that there's something inside that the monster can't get to. Something human. Hope."

"Let me tell you Bella, hope of regaining humanity is a dangerous idea. It can drive an immortal mad, chasing after it."

"But if you can't subsist as a human and you don't want to be a vampire, what's left?"

He simply shrugged, out of answers.

**_0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0_****_-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0_**

* * *

Jacob's garage is warm; the afternoon sun has crept in through the makeshift plastic and metal walls. Tree branches dapple the light overhead and through the wide open door a bracing fall breeze creeps in. I'm lounging in an old bucket seat, my feet resting on an overturned milk crate. Jacob is cleaning his motorcycle, sponging down the chrome and black paint with a soapy rag.

As he pours the old water out, I can see a fine sheen of sweat on his skin. His long hair, which was carelessly contained in a loose bun, is sticking to the sides of his neck in dark, trilling patterns. As I help him refill the bucket of water, he sighs heavily and his sweet breath is hot on my skin. A tan hand comes up to his forehead, wiping away sweat. To my utter astonishment and totally inappropriate arousal, I openly stare as he rings out the bottom of his t-shirt and exposes his taunt, muscular stomach. I'm so close to him I can feel the heat radiating off his body. I want to lick that stomach. Instead I lightly touch his arm, he feels hotter than the sun.

Our eyes meet, for the briefest of moments, and we both suddenly break away in opposite directions. He excuses himself for some air.

After about 30 minutes I realize he's not coming back. What the hell? I grab my phone and text him. No response. Okay. I call him; it rings an obnoxious amount of times and goes to voicemail. I call again and I can faintly hear a ringing coming from outside. Holding onto my phone, I follow the noise to the forest's edge. There, on the ground, I see his phone ringing among a pile of shredded denim. That's odd.

"Jacob?" I call.

Of course there's no answer.

**_0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0_****_-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0_**

"Why are we here? I don't need anything like this…stuff." I nod to the vast lingerie department full of frill and feathers and lace. Alice giggles and pulls me further into the rows of scant clothing.

"You'll need this." She tosses me a hanger full of dark blue chemise and guipure lace. I hold it up for inspection, it's rather pretty but it's also not me. At all.

"What do you mean, I'll be needing _this_." I gesture with the lingerie. "What are you not telling me?" I try and keep the panic from my voice, but fail.

Alice giggles again, tossing me a matching cheeky thong. It's very tasteful, beautiful even, but again, not me. At all. "Alice," I say in my firmest voice, "What aren't you telling me?" She picks another number off of the rack; it's black and again very tasteful and pretty. I could wear that, maybe.

"I called Charlie, he's okay with you staying over tonight. Girls night, you know." She hands me the satin black slip. It's soft to the touch and full of dark, shimmery embroidering.

"Oh you did, did you? No offense, but this," I gestured once more with my fistful of lingerie, "is not what I would wear to a sleepover."

Alice laughed, ignoring my irritation, "I won't be there, Bella, don't be ridiculous. None of us will. Except Edward, of course."

I gulped. Except Edward, of course. "And what's this magical thing you're all being called away to?" I tossed the clothing onto the checkout counter, knowing it wouldn't be worth the fight to put them back on the rack. Alice grinned, "Another party at the Denali's. Since you came into the picture, Edward's been avoiding going up there. Pity, really."

"Oh, a great tragedy, I'm sure." I really didn't know enough about the Denali clan to cast an opinion about them either way, but I did know about their leader Tanya. Her preference for Edward was enough for me to want to keep them as far apart as possible. I can't compete with a heartbreakingly gorgeous vampire, even with all the expensive underwear in the world. I sighed, looking down at the luxurious pile of fabric on the counter.

"Don't worry," Alice cooed, as she pulled out an important looking credit card, "He's already made the decision, you just need to let it happen."

"Let it happen. Right." I squeak.

She gives me an appraising look, "That is, if you want it to…."

"Happen," I cough. Blushing I quickly mutter, "more than anything."

As we walk out of the store the gravity of tonight's potential hits me. I nervously grab Alice's hand, "Thank you."

She wound her cool fingers around mine, "Anytime little sis. Now, next stop, the waxing salon!"

"What? Alice, aw, no, c'mon!"

**_0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0_****_-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0_**

I scrambled over to Alice's head, tripping over my own feet and falling in a heap in front of her. I rested my head on the ground so I could look at her face. She was as beautiful as ever, just horribly mangled around the neck.

"A-Alice?" I choked out, tears burning in my throat.

"Bella, you have to listen to me very carefully. Can you do that?"

Her voice was so calm, like she was talking to me over the phone. How can she be so calm when I can't even feel my hands? When her goddamn head is lying four feet from her goddamn body –

"Bella!" She snapped, "Can you listen to me and do exactly as I say?"

I nodded numbly. How was she even talking?

"I need you to pick up my head and bring it to my body."

"W-what?" I stammered.

She sighed and repeated herself like she was talking to an upset child, "I need you to bring my head over to my body. Please pick me up, now."

I hesitated but sat up slowly and reached out for her head. When my palms made contact with her cheeks I shuddered at her cold skin. It was icier than I ever remembered it being.

"Oh, Alice – " I whimpered as I held her up. The tears finally came rushing down my face. "I-I…."

"Shhhh…" She cooed, "It's going to be okay. Don't worry. It's okay."

Though I doubted anything would ever be okay again, I still managed to nod through my tears. Any illusions I had of what the Cullens are were quickly shattered. As I held her head in my hands, I could feel a horrible type of comprehension dawning. This is what life beyond living really meant.

"My body, Bella. Please."

"R-right." I stood up on shaky legs and carried Alice with me. She was surprisingly heavy and so cold it was hard to hold on. "Oh, okay, w-we're here." I knelt next her contorted body. It was shocking to see her blouse badly torn and her skin deeply scratched. I've never seen her in anything less than perfect, designer clothes. Alice tisked in disappointment when I showed her herself.

"Bella, it is vital you listen to me. It's not going to be pretty but I need you to keep a hold of my head, no matter what. Can you do that?"

I nodded, but realizing she couldn't see me, I whispered, "Yes."

"I need to lick my neck, all along the wound. My venom will heal me. But when I say so, you're going to have to connect my head back to my body and hold it still until it's reattached."

"Yes, okay." I said, a little more firmly, though my tears were still flowing.

It was gruesome watching Alice lick her own severed neck, carefully coating it with a thick, ropy layer of venom. Her flesh started to puss and hiss, like when peroxided is poured on an infected wound. "Now Bella!"

I quickly aligned her head as best I could. Once the two parts of her body touched, they stuck and began weaving together. "Is..um, does that feel okay?"

"hmm," She closed her eyes, assessing the connection, "Yes, that feels right. How does it look?"

I glanced around her neck, the severed line was still visible, but it was rapidly stitching itself. "Um, yeah, it looks okay. How, um, long will it take?"

"A little while. You should probably get comfortable."

I nodded, again aware that she couldn't really see me. "Okay," I muttered. Carefully, I sat down and crossed my legs. By resting Alice's head in my lap, it gave her the appearance of lying casually on her back. She looked peaceful with her eyes closed, like she was sleeping. She didn't say anything, so I decided to keep quiet too. My tears finally dried up, but I couldn't stop the shakes.

After awhile I remembered Rosalie.

"Rose?" I called, craning my neck around to the place I last saw her. I could barely make out her body, but it was there, a ways away from Alice and I. She didn't answer.

I jumped when Alice's phone rang, every muscle in my body coiled tightly with panic. She stretched her fingers, like she was testing if they could work or not. To my surprise they flexed and bent at her command. Slowly, she reached for her phone and opened her eyes; they were a deep shade of black. The LED display blazed "Jasper".


	8. Part II, Chapter 3

_OMFG! Updaaaaate! Finally. This was a very difficult chapter to write for many reasons. There's finally some sex and a few things click into place along with yet some more plot twists. Last chapter we found Alice dragging Bella into a naughty store, Bella discovers a new feeling for Jacob, Alice's head is parted from her lovely body and Edward bemoaned being a messed up monster. This chapter another mystical object is introduced with new and unforeseen consequences, we see Bella when she was comatose over being ditched, and the Cullen's weigh in on the new baby. Wow, lots going on and I promise a lot more is coming. _

_All this belongs to Stephanie __Meyer, I'm just borrowing the good stuff. _

_Cheers,_

_Dixie Lou _

_P.S._

_It's really easy to get to these links. Just copy and paste in your url search bar, switch every *dot* to a real . and away you go!  
_

_Song for Ch 3: http:/thetopdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com/post/5176134513/a-song-for-part-ii-chapter-3-of-strangled-by-the _

_Pic of Jake carving: http:/thetopdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com/post/5176138183/illustration-inspiration-for-a-scene-in-chapter-3 _

_Pic of Ed about to devour Bella: http:/thetopdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com/post/5176142736/illustration-inspiration-for-chapter-3-part-3-of _

_Don't forget to creep over to http:/thetopdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com for all the sweet action.  
_

* * *

Strangled by the Thought

PART 3

3

I shifted uncomfortably in Carlisle's office chair. "I don't know what I should do."

He leaned across his perfectly organized desk, a small stitch between his perfectly smooth brows, "Why don't you talk to him about it? Tell him how you feel?"

I smiled sadly, shaking my head. "I can't. You know, I can't be a burden, especially now, when the decision's been made." I nodded my head, mimicking a brave tone though I could feel the courage stopping just short of my eyes, "I'll get used to things, you know? I just wanted to talk to someone who's lived like you for a while. I mean, being a vampire is a completely different… environment." I shook my head again and sighed, nervously tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Why don't you tell me what's bothering you, Bella."

"Edward and I are going to have a baby."

Carlisle paused, taken aback. His surprise deepened as he realized I hadn't told his son yet. "Well," he fumbled, "Uh, Bella, you should have told me sooner. We need to run tests! I had no idea, I mean I've known this was possible, but I've never seen…" He paused, getting up to look out his office window. "It's forbidden, you know, to make a child vampire. If indeed, that's what you've made. In the past they've proven wild…insatiable."

I shuddered, his words were filling me with fantastic terrors I've never felt before. Forbidden, by whom? What will happen to us when our child is found? My face scrunched up and I blurted, "I hate this life."

Carlisle stopped his deliberations, realizing I came to him not as a doctor, but as a friend and mentor. He circled round the desk and sat next to me, "I had a relationship once, before Edward's mother," He said softly, "It was very much like a marriage. We got pregnant, this was a long time ago, in my other life."

My gaze dropped uncomfortably to the desk. He'd never mentioned a first wife or a first child.

Carlisle sighed, "I remember one day waking up next to her. It was just a day, like any other, but it was also the first day after I knew about the pregnancy. And I felt this…fear. For the first time ever. And I remember thinking, 'How can I bring a child into the middle of all of this? How can a person grow up with all this violence and these monsters around them?' Knowing, for sure, that monsters really do exist and aren't children's tales or imaginary night terrors. Knowing there are beings that can kill you and you can't ever be safe. My father and his parish had hunted them for decades and now his horrors were becoming my responsibility." He paused, looking up and away from me. I could tell he didn't want to admit this next part, "I told her I didn't want to have it." He looked at me; I couldn't help gazing sadly at him, close to tears. "And over the next few weeks, I wore her down."

I sighed and fixed Carlisle with an unapologetic stare, "I want to have Edward's children."

He nodded, "I can tell you right now that I know, I am _positive_ I made the right decision. But, especially after I found Esme and Edward, there isn't a day goes by that I don't wish I had made a different choice. If you don't keep the baby, I mean, if that's your decision, you can't ever tell him you were pregnant." I nodded, expecting to hear this. "But if you choose to have this baby, love that kid every chance you get. I know we will." I broke, tears spilling down. He patted my hand and waited for me to regain my composure. "That's about all the advice I can give you, basically." His pager beeped insistently, "I got to go. But let's run some basic tests first. "

"Carlisle," I said, softly, "thank you." And with that I knew I was going to keep the baby, no matter what.

* * *

"Just come on already! It's been over a week since you've been to the Rez. Paul's sorry for…er, that thing. You know."

Not too long ago Paul had, in a fit of rage, transfigured into a monstrously huge wolf right in front of me. Jake, to my total shock, did the same. So the boys I knew all growing up were really a legion of hairy, snarling werewolves. And it wasn't just, like recently, it was historical. So all the older people in the tribe, who also knew me since I was a toddler, were in on it. As were my vampire friends. And it seemed the whole goddamn world, except me.

"Not today, Jake. I can't handle the pack…uh, that is, your friends right now."

Standing in my kitchen, with Charlie flanking us both, we tried to keep our argument bare of details. But it was just coming off as bizarre and frustrating. I grabbed a coke from the refrigerator, ignoring my father's questioning stare.

"Your mother called," He said abruptly, grabbing his beer and taking a long pull. "Something about college applications and grant money because you're a first generation college student…or something Phil said. I dunno. You should call her. Or him. Or whatever." He took another swig of beer.

Jacob looked at Charlie; it seemed, for the first time. "Is it weird, you know, to talk about Phil?"

Charlie looked, not exactly put out, but somber; he gave Jacob a measuring glare.

"Son, yes it's 'weird'. Hell yeah, it's weird as shit. But I also know, in my superior wisdom, it's possible to love two people at the same time."

"Yes!" Jacob and I had simultaneously answered the rhetorical statement. Charlie paused, looking at us awkwardly. Finally he said, "Call your mother." As he left us in the kitchen I tried, very hard, not to look at Jacob. But I knew he was looking only at me.

* * *

"Hello," I breathed as Edward swung me up into a bear hug. I dropped the shopping bags by the door as he held me.

"What've you two been up to?" He asked, smiling at his sister and myself.

"Shopping, duh." Alice stuck out her tongue from behind her armful of expensive looking bags. Edward sighed. "Don't give me that tone, Edward, we got you something too." She handed him a small bag with the Apple store logo, "I know you're a shopping whore just like me." He smiled as he pulled out a pair of elegant, noise-canceling headphones. "Thanks, sis."

"Ah, ah," Alice admonished as she dumped her bags next to mine, "it was your sweet girlfriend's idea. I don't even know what those are. Jasper? Baby, I'm home…" she called up the stairs as she picked up one of the bags on the floor. I noticed it was from the same shop my lingerie came from. With a wink, she zipped up the staircase faster than I could see.

Edward turned to me, headphones in hand, "Thanks love, these are amazing! They'll really help dampen noise pollution. You won't believe how annoying the highway is when you're trying to listen to Bach. I can't wait to try them." I smiled and kissed him on the cheek; choosing not to point out that the highway was miles away from the Cullen's house. And behind a mountain.

"I just picked them out. Um," There was a self-conscious pause as I chose my words, "I, you know, brought my overnight stuff…" I hoisted a slightly stuffed backpack over my shoulder.

"Oh," He fumbled and I swear he could have been blushing through his undead skin. Maybe Alice's vision was right after all. "Right. Well. Do you want to put your stuff in my room?" He went for my shopping bags, but I scrambled to beat him to it.

"Yep." I said, trying to stay casual. "I don't suppose you have any food for dinner, do you?" I heard him laugh as he followed me up the stairs. I smirked, "You stocked the entire refrigerator, didn't you?" He broke into a huge, glamorous smile, "Guilty."

I sighed dramatically and made my way to his messy, wonderful bedroom. My body humming with anticipation for tonight's possibilities.

* * *

Alice and I froze, both staring transfixed at her flashing phone. I knew it was fear that froze us to the ground, unable to answer to Jasper's call. Fear of his reaction to Alice's fresh scars. Fear of what he would think of his brother being torn to shreds by a pack of wolves. We were afraid of the awful revenge Jasper was sure to take, which would most certainly lead to open war.

Mercifully her phone went silent. With effort, Alice sat up and turned toward me, "I'll have to answer it next time," She warned. I stared at the angry looking scar ringing her neck, which glowed an eerie sliver in the early morning light. Even if I could convince Alice to lie right now and hide her wound, there was no way she could keep this from Jasper for long.

I glanced at Rosalie, still crumpled and silent a few feet away from us. Alice, noticing her sister for the first time, flitted quickly to her side. She gasped once she bent over Rose's stillborn body. I stumbled up and ran toward them, transfixed on Alice's hand glued over her mouth. How could it be any worse than her own gruesome decapitation?

I skidded to a halt by Rose's head and fell to the ground to inspect the damage. However, before I could look at her face, I felt a sharp jab on my knee. I wiggled around and extracted what I first took for a beat up horseshoe. I examined the odd shape through the dim light and dropped it back to the ground once I realized what it was. A jawbone, a flawless jawbone, complete with a bottom row of strong, white teeth and one half of Rosalie's candy red lips.

With a great amount of effort, I looked at her face. Nausea rolled through my stomach. Leah must have torn Rose's face as she had her pinned to the ground. But it wasn't just her face that was mangled, it looked like the jawbone didn't want to part easily; half of Rosalie's neck was split open. It looked like a ripped shirt pocket, as most of the skin was still attached and hanging from her collarbone. I could see her muscles, her glands and her tongue, which was lolling from the side of the gaping wound. All of her exposed insides were glistening with thick, pulsating venom, which was forming a sinister pool around her head.

"No…" I whispered through my dry mouth, "no, no, no, no…" I heaved. Rose's eyes met mine; they were full of black fury. I cupped a hand over my mouth, "I…I'm sorry!" And I ran away from them to vomit behind the nearest tree.

* * *

After many goodbyes and well wishes, the Cullens left around 5 for their party at the Denali's. It was the most awkward saying goodbye to Carlisle and Esme, because they were fully aware Edward asked me to sleep over. However, with much grace and kindness, they left it at goodbye and didn't add any editorial comments. Unlike Edward's siblings, who as soon as their parents left the house, started slinging jokes and innuendos at us.

"Sleep tight kids, don't stay up _all night._" Jasper drawled and cuffed Edward's shoulder as he left.

"Stay out of our bedroom." Rosalie warned, fixing the both of us with a chilly glare, "And for the love of God, not on the couch please!" She called over her shoulder as she followed Jasper out the door.

"Remember, Ed," Emmett said in a paternal teaching voice, "Just like eating Chinese food, it's not over until you both get your cookies." He ruffled Edward's hair, whose already sullen face contorted with annoyance. "That's disgusting, Emmett. And what the hell would you know about Chinese food?"

Emmett broke into full belly laughs as he ducked out the front door.

Alice was the last to go, she lingered by my side, saying a dismissive goodbye to Edward. He got the hint and went into the kitchen to start making my dinner. Over the din of banging pots and pans, Alice whispered into my ear, "He likes to be bitten, especially on his earlobe. And…" She giggled, "Pull his hair just as he, you know, pushes in."

I pulled back with a start, "Alice, how do you know…?"

She fixed me with a dazzling smile and then tapped her forehead, "It's all in here," she said, then frowned a little, "Even the gory details I don't ever want to know. Yuck. But, if it helps you, it'll be worth it." She pulled me into a tight, quick hug and darted out the door. As it clicked shut behind her I stood in silence for a few minutes, taking in the feeling of the big house, empty except for Edward and I. Then I walked determinedly into the kitchen, which was already filling with delicious smells.

Funny, he never told me he could cook.

* * *

It had been almost a month since Jake found out my plans to be changed following graduation. We haven't spoken at all. I decided to just go to his house, invitation or not, and sort the whole mess out. Problem was, I couldn't see any logical way to sort it.

I found him pouring over a multitude of motorcycle parts, which were meticulously spread over the garage floor. He had pulled his gleaming black bike apart, it's empty shell was sadly discarded against the far wall.

"Hi."

He looked up, surprised to see me. "Hi."

"Look," I hesitated, "I-I'll wait until the summer's over. Maybe until next year. You're right, it's too soon…"

He stopped me. Then faltered. Then stopped me again when I went to talk. "Bella, I have something to say." He looked down, his hands on his hips and lips tightly pressed. After a moment he shook his head, "I understand what you don't like about me." He said quietly.

I closed my eyes, fighting back the words blistering on my tongue. I wanted to tell him it didn't matter what I do or don't like. I don't belong to him. I wanted to tell him it didn't matter that I don't belong to him. Because I love him, because he's my friend. I immediately opened my mouth to protest, but he stopped me again.

"I do," his voice was laced with pain, "What I am," He looked away, avoiding my eyes, "makes you feel out of place."

"Jake, I don't…" I blurted, but he interrupted me.

"Listen, I'm not like Cullen. He makes you feel like you belong. Like he can give you everything," His voice broke and he paused. "Everything I can't. Which is good, really," Jacob looked up and away, his eyes strained and red. I twisted my hands, unable to speak. "I wish I could do something about this," He whispered, roughly grabbing the arm branded with his pack's crest. Tears began to drip down my face. I quickly dashed them away.

Jacob straightened up, pulling back from me, "But I can't."

I wrapped my arms protectively around my core. Suddenly, I had very little to say.

"I can, however, promise you one thing." He put his large hand under my chin and lifted my face to his, "I will never give up on you. Ever. Alive or dead, you'll always be Isabella Swan to me."

I gave him a tight smile and whispered, "Thank you." Though I knew I shouldn't thank him, because I didn't need his blessing. But I wanted it, I knew now I could never be at peace without it.

* * *

On the ride from the hospital Alice was quiet, unusually so. She was also driving the speed limit. Yep, this was bad. Rosalie was staring, unabashedly, at me. My best guess was she was angry, but it almost looked like she was fascinated. I was too scared and too tired to ask her.

"I tried so hard to help and all it's done is make things worse." I muttered at the dark car window. Nobody said anything, so I continued. "Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. The more you care the more you have to loose. Maybe it's better to….."

"To what?" Rosalie snapped from the backseat.

"To go it alone."

"Bella, you aren't thinking what I know you're thinking." Alice quickly looked at me and looked back to the road.

"So what if I am! This isn't good Alice. At all. We could be in serious trouble here. Maybe it's better to cut ties now."

"Absolutely not," Rosalie spat, grabbing my arm. "You need us right now, Bella. And that's our brother's baby inside you. There's no alone, not anymore."

* * *

Dinner was delicious. Grilled pear and endive salad with a pistachio vinaigrette. Mussels in roasted tomato broth, served with sea salt and basil French fries. The chardonnay, Edward told me, was flown in from Burgundy this morning. The mussels arrived fresh from Maine that afternoon. And he chose to end it all with a light, sweet, rich chocolate mousse that melted the moment it touched my tongue. With pride he confessed it was an old recipe of his human mother's, Mrs. Masen.

My god, this man can cook!

And, much to my delight, I discovered Edward enjoyed watching me eat as much as he enjoyed cooking. He found it sensual, exotic, especially when he fed me. We sat at the kitchen island and his eyes would travel from my fork to my lips and up to my face, reading my reaction to each flavor. He was fascinated, and told me he had never gotten the chance to closely observe a human eating before. "It would be dangerous," he said, "For me to watch a stranger like I'm watching you now." And I, for my part, indulged him, moaning quietly and sighing contentedly at all the right moments. So, by the time the last lick of mousse was sucked off of Edward's cold finger, my head was swimming with expensive wine and my body was humming again. I was like a dowsing rod, tuned to his every movement.

"I'll get the dishes!" I chirped, jumping off of my stool and scooping up the errant plates. He moved inhumanly fast, snatching the plates right out of my hands. Before I could catch my breath, the sink was filling with soapy water, the pans were stacked along the counter, the leftovers were stored away and unmistakable sounds of scrubbing started. "Edward." I cautioned, crossing my arms. The scrubbing didn't stop, but I still could only discern streaky blurs zooming around the kitchen. "Edward!" I stomped my foot, a little childishly and began to pout.

I gave a shout when he suddenly reappeared at the sink, a dishtowel over one shoulder and his button down sleeves rolled up and over his arms. He looked too good doing the dishes.

"What?" He asked, confused.

"I said I'd get those. It's only fair, you didn't even eat."

He shook his auburn head, "Bella. I am not letting you do the dishes. What kind of host would that make me?" He started scrubbing the plates again at an almost human speed. No way, I wasn't going to let him win this one. I pushed up my own sleeves and shoved myself next to him, plunging my hands down into the water. "Yikes!" I pulled them out just a quickly, "Jesus, that's hot!"

"Oh, shit. Sorry sorry sorry!" Edward turned the tap to cold and pushed my arms under the running water. My skin was turning a bright lobster red. "I'm really bad with temperatures," He blurted, nervously rubbing my back, "I can't feel hot or cold very well anymore. I'm sorry Honey."

I looked at my arms again, the red was receding, "You might want to turn down your water heater. That was like, really _really_ fucking hot." Edward was looking at my arms sheepishly, "I told you not to do the dishes. Not my fault you're stubborn." He mumbled.

"Stubborn?" I blustered, "I'm stubborn, huh?"

"There's mules more agreeable than you, Bella." He laughed and smiled his crooked smile.

"Oh yeah?" I challenged, turning around to get into his face.

"Yeah." He challenged back, closing the small gap between us.

"How's this for stubborn!" I squealed and shot him full in the face with the sink's side sprayer.

There was a momentary pause, where he stood wet, gaping at me, then with a rush of air he had me turned around with the sprayer pointed right at my chest. "Edward!" I squealed, "No! No don'tyoudareno!" He laughed as a full jet of ice cold water exploded against my sternum. "OhmygodEdwardno!" I shrieked, wiggling futilely against his arms as the water drenched the whole kitchen, "No! No! Ahhhgh! Okayokayyouwin! YOU WIN!"

The sprayer cut instantly. I looked at my reflection in the dark window over the sink; I was a drowned rat. But, I smirked, so was he. I smiled at his reflection, but he didn't move, his body was frozen still against mine. Curious, I turned around as his arms dropped to his sides.

"Edwar-" His name was cut off by his cold lips crushing themselves against mine. Breathless I reached up and pulled his face hard against my own, returning his kiss in full. His tongue darted out, gently forcing its way into my mouth. As his hands found my hips I involuntarily groaned. He pulled back, licking my bottom lip as he withdrew.

"I have something to show you." He grabbed my hand and led me out of the kitchen, toward the stairs. I followed, dreamily, letting him lead me up to his bedroom. He sat me down on his sofa, the only piece of furniture in his room. Inlayed shelves surrounded the space, full of books, oddments, records, cd's, expensive stereo equipment and instruments. Old wood milk crates full of vinyl lined the baseboards. There was an expanse of large windows, which looked out to green treetops. His whole room was white and wood and glass, the sparse color contrasted beautifully with the evergreens surrounding the house.

He ran his hand through my hair, brushing the side of my face with his fingers. Then, reluctantly, he turned and headed to a shelf on the other side of the room. He pulled down a wooden box from the topmost corner and dusted off its lid. I noticed it had been stored next to an old, worn looking bone knife, a coil of thin black rope and a tarnished chalice. Then, reluctantly, he carried the box over and sat cross-legged on the floor in front of me.

I asked the obvious, "What's in the box?" It looked old, worn and oddly burnt. Wordlessly he opened the lid and held it up for me to inspect. Inside was what could only be described a rock. It was highly polished and gleamed a deep ruby red in the light. Beautiful, though ordinary as far as rocks go. But as I stared I noticed a dim glow rising from it's center, like a fire was suddenly lit inside.

"It's a blood gem." He answered my unasked question, "They're a type of magic gem, made from the crystalized blood of runic dragons and old gods. They're very rare." He picked up the gem, examining it in the light, "This one's supposedly from a dragon that lived thousands of years ago. Mistaken for a ruby, this stone has been used for centuries as an amulet. The Egyptians called it the blood of Isis, she was the Goddess of fertility. Mohammed famously wore this stone as a ring; he said it opened a gateway to his spirituality. Napoleon carried it into battle as a protective charm, though he condemned any form of old magic as heresy to the republic."

"Wait, you're telling me this is the same gem? How'd you get it then?"

Edward smirked, "Carlisle nicked it from the Volturi. They have loads of rare and powerful objects, locked away so no one can use them against their coven. He gave it to me, years ago. Carlisle has a small collection of objects himself. You tend to acquire them over time; things like this have a way of finding you. It's like the magic is attracted to creatures like us."

"So, why are you showing me this? Don't get me wrong, it's cool and all. But why now?" I really just wanted to get back to the kissing.

"When the right magic is applied to a blood gem, they can be absorbed into the body. Crimson gems like this one add to strength and replenish life." He closed his hand around the stone, which was rapidly getting brighter. "Bella," Edward hesitated, I could tell he was choosing his words carefully, "For what I have planned, I need to be sure you're strong enough. I need to know I can't hurt you."

I broke into a full body blush; I didn't need him to explain what he meant. Alice was right; we were really going to try tonight. "Okay, yes." I said, a little too quickly.

He smiled, "Bella, you don't even know what I was going to ask."

"It doesn't matter. Yes. My answer is yes."

"You don't even know the risks."

"Doesn't matter. Lets do it."

"But – "

"Come on!"

"You don't even – "

"Let's go!"

"Bella!" He laughed, patting me on the knee, "Calm down. I need to explain some stuff first." My face fell into a pout and I sat sulkily back on the couch, "I even bought lingerie and everything." I gestured to the shopping bag by his door.

He smirked, "You bought lingerie?" He was holding in laughter, I could tell.

"So?" I pouted.

"So do you want to wear lingerie?" He patiently asked.

"No. I mean maybe. So, yes. I guess. I don't know!" I threw up my hands in exasperation. "I've never done this before. You know? It just seemed…appropriate."

"Bella, love. It's not really important. I mean, I appreciate the effort. But you don't have to, you know…you're beautiful. Just you." He ended mumbling and looking at his hands. "Ahem, um anyway. As I was trying to say, blood gem magic works only once for someone and as they're so rare, the choice and use is important. They also only work on humans, and I can't think of a better human to give this to." He smiled up at me, a little shyly.

"Edward…" I smiled back, my blush deepening.

"Once you've taken a gem into yourself, it will affect your blood and it's color."

"So what color will my blood be?"

"Black." He said uncomfortably.

"Forever?"

He nodded yes.

"Okay." I nodded, "That's okay, I guess. Will I smell different to you?"

"Yes, most likely. And you'll taste different."

"Will it be better?"

"I don't know. I really hope not, I can barely control myself around you as it is."

"So, this is permanent." It wasn't a question, I knew with some things there's no going back. Especially in Edward's world, where most consequences were permanent.

"Yes, the process is irreversible." Edward opened his hand and the stone was now like a tiny, bright fire in his palm. Its glow lit both our faces with warm, flickering light. I leaned forward and contemplated the blood gem, the choice I would be making. My body forever altered, but as far as I understood, the results were only beneficial. Who wouldn't want to be stronger? And I needed to be stronger for him.

"Okay. Let's do this."

"You're sure?" His eyes lit up, but I heard a lot of caution and hesitation in his voice.

"Absolutely. What do I need to do?"

"Lie down on your back, get comfortable." As I settled myself along the couch he kneeled forward. Blood gem in hand he bent over me and began unbuttoning my shirt so it was open along my sternum. My pulse quickened at the contact, something I knew he could sense. He smiled kindly down at me, "I need to activate the gem with my venom…mixed with your blood." He frowned, "Tell me to stop, that this is a bad idea. Please."

I shook my head and held up my wrist, "No way Cullen. We're doing this." He sighed and grabbed my hand, "This will only hurt a little." And with that I felt a momentary jolt of pain as he sliced my thumb open with his fingernail. His brows stitched together as he gently squeezed the cut, encouraging it to bleed. I watched my blood drip down onto the blood gem in his hand. With each drop, the rock glowed impossibly brighter, to the point where I had to avert my eyes.

Edward produced a bandage and wrapped my small wound. "Is it going okay?" I asked, "I can't look at it anymore, it's too bright!" I had to drape an arm over my closed eyes and even then the firelight crept through.

"Yes – it likes your blood. I can't blame it. Once I add my venom you'll be able to see again." Seconds later I sensed the light dimming, like someone had cut the power. I cautiously opened my eyes and looked at Edward. He had bit open his own wrist and was holding it over the stone, venom was dripping onto his palm, mingling with my blood. There was a slight hissing sound, like champagne being poured, as his venom ate away at the blood soaked stone.

"You put out the light." I observed, fascinated at the scene before me. Edward licked his wound, which stitched instantly, "It doesn't like me as much." He laughed derisively, "I can't blame it for that either." The hissing gradually died away and the blood gem was left looking more liquid, like soft red Jell-O.

"Okay, brace yourself. I'm going to push this into your chest and say a few words."

He leaned over me, his face inches from mine, "I love you, Bella."

I pecked him on the lips, "I love you too. I'm ready when you are." He nodded and with only a slight amount of hesitation, brought his palm up to my sternum and rested the gem against my chest. It was cold on my skin and slightly damp, I shivered.

Edward closed his eyes, "By lucem dracones," He whispered, "inde aprilis nocte." The gem lit up again, not as bright, but it shot rays of firelight through the spaces in his hand. Heat swelled on my chest and I could feel a prickling sensation spread from the stone through my body. "Clamavi ad te, ut me, ut vi tribus conjuro te." Edward opened his eyes and gazed fiercely at his hand. He whispered the incantation quickly and repeated the last bit three times, "Omnes caere, circumfuso me. Sic fiat! Sic fait! Sic fait!" On the third verse I felt the stone slide effortlessly into my chest.

I gasped, "Edward!" He grabbed my hand, "What? What's happening love?" His face was frantic. "It's so hot – I'm burning!" I could feel the dragon's fire rage through my veins, boiling my blood. However, once I calmed down enough to concentrate on the sensation, I realized there was no pain. I closed my eyes, "It's…okay. Edward, it doesn't hurt." He let out a mixture of a sob and sigh, loosening his grip on my hand. "I'll let you know when it's over." I said, keeping my eyes shut so I could concentrate on my body as it transformed.

I could feel my blood solidifying, hardening into something different, more. Strength and warmth filled my muscles and skin. My heart hammered in a stern, swift tattoo. The heat swam behind my eyes and cleared my senses; I could feel a fog lifting from my brain. My breathing gradually slowed, I felt normal again, but somehow more than before. Like I was an empty vessel and now I had been filled with grace and light and knowledge.

* * *

"Merry Christmas Bella!" Jake barged into my room, dripping wet snow from his hair and shoulders. I was sitting in my usual spot near the window, my knees hugged to my chest. I knew he was in the room, but I couldn't turn my head to acknowledge him. I was being rude. I knew this and I still couldn't move.

Jake, in his usual cheer, ignored me and scooped up a chair, "Sue is downstairs cooking a whole roast and it smells amazing. You should see Charlie; he's trying to chop vegetables. Hopefully there's less finger than carrots in our food." When I didn't respond he sighed and turned to look out my window. The snow was falling in dense spirals, the world was muted and quiet and dark.

Jake slid a small package on the sill in front of me; it was wrapped in gaudy metallic paper and adorned with a bright red bow. I cringed; nothing friendly could be in a package so small. "For you," he said, a little shyly. When I didn't move to open it he took the box and roughly ripped it open. He took a necklace from the box and I was desperately thankful it wasn't a ring. It was little more than a long black chord, with a figure dangling from the end. "It's a wolf." He said with pride, "I carved it myself, from the driftwood off of First Beach."

When he moved to put it around my neck I flinched. "Jesus, Bella. It's just a present. You'd think I was trying to wrap a snake around you. Just hold still. It's a gift and I made it for you." He ignored my second flinch and wrapped the black chord around my neck three times before knotting it. The wolf figurine fell neatly against my throat. I knew I should be pleased, touched by his meaningful present. But I remained unmoved, glued to my chair, the window and the feel of my knees against my chest.

Jacob held my chin, rubbing soft circles around my cheek with his thumb. His eyes were wet as he attempted to look into mine, "Come back to us Bella. Soon." He got up to go, but paused in my doorway, "It hurts so much because you won't let it go. Let it go, Bella. That's all you have to do." And with a sigh he left my room to rejoin the holiday party going on downstairs. I could hear Charlie's muffled voice, "Well, did she talk to you?" I assumed Jake shook his head no because Charlie said, "Don't worry, son. It's nothing personal; she doesn't talk to me either." I moved to clasp the wolf in my hand and I knew it was good of him to come here and give me this. It would help comfort me while I waited for Edward's return.

* * *

I opened my eyes, looking up into his. His amber irises were bright, glowing warmly out from under his thick lashes. He held my gaze for a moment and then dropped his eyes; I followed their downward path. Oh my god. My shirt was soaked through from our water fight earlier, I didn't even notice. It was sticking to my skin in a transparent layer, as was my thin cotton bra. I blushed as I realized my nipples were standing dark and erect through the wet fabric. Suddenly I had an idea. Please let this work!

Gently, I took one of Edward's hands off my head. I slowly brought his palm up to one of my breasts, resting his thumb just over my nipple. I closed his hand around the mound, encouraging him to squeeze. He did. I tilted my head back and moaned. His hollow breathing had become shallow and fast; I rolled my eyes shut as his other hand came up to claim its own piece of me. He gently climbed on top of me.

I groaned again as his hips made contact with my own. I could feel his hardness pressing against my soaked clothes. Instinctively I hitched my leg up and around his thigh, lacing my fingers through his hair and pulling him down for a hard kiss. We quickly became a mass of tangled limbs and grinding hips, our sneakers squeaking against the leather sofa. Somehow we ended up lying on the plush white carpet in the middle of his room, our heads surrounded by record crates. He was on top, kissing and sucking and worshiping every exposed part of my skin. We didn't talk; there was no talking this time. We had talked enough about how this would or wouldn't happen. How right or wrong it was. I didn't want to talk about how wrong felt right, right now.

Our shirts and shoes and socks and jeans and cellphones and keys formed discarded islands around us. In one brave moment he took the front of my bra and tugged, ripping it cleanly from my body. On a reckless impulse I slid a hand down between us, palm up, and began stroking him inside his boxers. He moaned into my open mouth, pressing his thick tongue deep into my throat. Oh. Oh. Oh, yes.

I was bucking, kicking, moaning, sweating, opening myself to him and he took and took and took. He was drinking in my body, grinding against my raging heat. I broke free from his mouth, "Inside." I whimpered, "Now Edward. Please, please I need it now!" My feet found his elastic band and before he could protest, his boxers were around his ankles and I shoved my panties to one side, surrendering myself to him.

With a single buck of my hips we were aligned and it was time for me to bite and scratch and claw his shoulders and ears and back. Spasmodically he entered me little by little, drawing up the heat from my core. He had control until I pulled his hair hard and stuck my hot tongue into his ear. Fluidly, seamlessly, we connected and then rocked and then connected again. I was so close. So close to everything now; the carpet against my back, the smell of my sweat and his sweet breath.

"I – I – I" I stammered, raising my head off the ground. "Yes," He panted, "come for me, Bella." He licked my neck, palmed my breast and didn't stop his relentless pounding rhythm. "Oh. Oh. Ooooohhhaahhhhh!" I half screamed, half moaned, forcing my back into a severe arch off the ground. Edward spread his arms and grabbed the nearest crate of records with both hands. I was vaguely aware of a splitting series of cracks before he started to spill cold shocks of lightning into me. At that, my body swelled and I came again, in little, pulsating waves.

We collapsed into the plush white carpet and were finally still.


	9. Part II, Chapter 4

_It's been a loooong time, but here is the absent chapter four. Last chapter there was talk of baby vamps, we witnessed the sweaty action that makes baby vamps, Jacob gave Bella a gift, Alice got her head on straight and the bloodstone was introduced. This chapter is packed full of bloody goodness with plenty of profanity and we get to see more of Bella's state of mind after Edward left._

_As a reminder I don't own Twilight. That would be crazy. _

_Cheers,_

_Dixie Lou_

_P.S.  
_

_It's really easy to get to these links. Just copy and paste in your url search bar, switch every *dot* to a real . and away you go!  
_

_Song for Ch 4: http:/thetopdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com/post/6759751030/a-song-for-part-ii-chapter-4-of-strangled-by-the  
_

_Pic of Wolf Jake and Human Bella: http:/thetopdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com/post/6759748009/illustration-for-chapter-4-part-2-of-strangled-by  
_

___Don't forget to creep over to http:/thetopdrawer*dot*tumblr*dot*com for more Twilight-y media. _

* * *

PART 2

4

My forehead was hot and sticky and sweat was rolling down into my eyes. I clutched the conifer next to me as the rest of my world swayed dangerously. I was panting hard and my body was sickly warm. And most importantly, Edward was gone.

After some time, I became aware of Alice calling my name. I stumbled drunkenly through the brushwood toward the sound of her voice.

"Bella! Get your sick ass over here. Right now!"

I stopped just short of her and the body of Rosalie Hale. She had Rose cradled in her lap, mercifully facing away from me. "It's worse than before, Bella. So much worse," Alice smoothed some of her sister's hair away from her mangled face. "We need your blood. She needs human blood to heal."

"W-what?" I muttered lamely.

"Your blood Bella. Roll up your shirtsleeve, above the elbow please." Alice fixed me with the patient stare of a teacher explaining something rather simple. "You'll also need your car keys out and ready. After she's fed, you'll have to make a run for it while I hold her down."

"What?" I asked, a little more sternly.

"If you drive fast you'll be able to get to our house. Carlisle should be there by now, he'll protect you if Rose goes postal. Jasper and Emmett won't be far behind. Geeze, Bella, will you get over here so I can cut your veins? We're running short on time." She huffed and hugged Rosalie closer to her chest while extending a hand for me.

"What!" I shrieked, pulling my arms close to my body. "No way!"

Alice shot me a murderous glare, her patience quickly dissolving. "Don't be so selfish, little girl. We're in this mess because of you. Now are you going to help me save my sister or do I have to force you?" She arched a mean eyebrow at me and waved her arm impatiently. I stupidly shuffled toward her, not really understanding what was happening.

"Won't I be a vampire then?" I dumbly asked as she ripped my sleeve clean off my arm.

Alice tisked, "Don't be dim. I wouldn't let that happen without Edward around. I just need to soak her wounds in your blood. Obviously there's no need for biting to do that."

Before I could respond, Alice used her long fingernail to slice down my arm, right across several large veins. I hissed and held my breath, willing the bile back down my throat.

"Lord!" Alice shrieked.

"What?" I yelped.

"What the hell happened to your blood? It's black as tar!"

"Oh," I weakly mumbled, "Um, Edward gave me a bloodstone. Dragon I think. That night we, you know, the night of the Denali party?"

"That Punk!" Alice spat, "All this time he had a bloodstone and never told anyone."

I shrugged and chose to withhold the fact her father, Carlisle, gave Edward the stone.

"Well," Alice sighed, "This changes things. You'll have to run a lot faster now, Sweetie, because Rose is going to heal twice as fast."

I gulped, my nausea intensifying. Fuck.

"On three, then." Alice chirped, "One," she revealed Rose's grotesque visage and positioned my arm over her many wounds. "Two," She squeezed down on my gash and I let out a whimper of pain. "Three!" Alice spilled my black blood over her sister's face and neck, squeezing just right to get the flow going. After five or so minutes she unceremoniously dropped my arm. "Run!" She yelled as she started repositioning Rose's skin and jaw and arm, "Bella, wake up! Run!"

I gripped my bleeding arm to my chest and made a beeline toward the forest. Crashing through the trees and down the mountainside I barely made it in one piece to my beat up old truck. "Please start, pleasestartpleasestart!" I chanted as I quickly jumped up into the cab. After two turns of the engine the ancient Ford roared to life. I peeled out onto the deserted mountain highway, pushing the rusty engine well past its usual 35 MPH. Anxiously I kept checking and re-checking my mirrors, looking for any white blurs or rustling trees that would signal Rosalie's presence. I saw nothing. After a tense twenty minutes I began to slow my truck down to it's normal pace.

Once I relaxed, the vomiting and bleeding, stress and pregnancy began to creep up through my muscles. A great welling tiredness was settling into my chest and fogging my brain. The last 24 hours were full of monsters and monstrous acts I never thought possible. Inside my lonely truck cab, with the steady rumble of the engine and the forest flowing by, it all seemed so unreal. I would wake up in my bed and laugh with Edward about this impossible dream. But I reminded myself that Edward was a dream too, one I convinced myself I would wake up from eventually. Maybe my whole life in Forks isn't real; maybe I'm already dead.

A sudden jolt against the truck brought me back to reality. Looking over my shoulder I was met with the blazing purple eyes of Rosalie Hale. Panicked, I slammed on the breaks and spun out on the empty highway. Rose flew into the back window, completely shattering the glass with her head. I screamed and covered my own head with my arms, one of them still openly bleeding. Before I could think to run, Rose wrapped her arms around me and pulled my torso halfway out of the truck. I didn't bother struggling, knowing it would amuse her to see me try.

"Hello, Bella," She purred, "How do you feel?"

"I-" I choked, "I'm fine."

She laughed quietly; the sound was like a thousand tinkling bells. "No, now. How do you feel now? With your lover torn to bits and your wolf friends marked for dead."

"It doesn't matter how I feel. It doesn't matter what I think. The dead are dead, Rosalie."

"Mmmm, too right. I suppose you deserve this, Honey." Just as Rose opened her jaws to strike something collided with her body, ripping her off of me and gashing my head against the truck.

I took a shaky look out to the road and saw the enormous form of Emmett Cullen wresting with Rose as she writhed and snarled. Another blur streaked by the truck and Jasper Hale appeared, seizing her by the arms and dragging her off into the forest. It was a while before Rose's shrieks and moans died off in the distance.

I took a shallow breath and slowly assessed the damage. My arm was clotted with thick, black gore, which was absolutely everywhere. But besides that and a nasty bump on my forehead, I was ok.

As I was wiping blood off my shaking hands, the cab door abruptly opened.

"Aaaah!"

"Jesus, Bella, it's just me." Alice poked her pixie head into the passenger's side, "And you look awful."

I just stared at her numbly, trying to mentally restart my heart.

"Lets get back to the house and get you cleaned up. Carlisle and Esme are waiting for us. Do you mind if I sit in the back? No offense, but it smells way too delicious in here."

I mutely shook my head and started the engine while she flitted into the truck bed.

* * *

Slowly I returned to the present, "Whoa, sorry. I must have drifted off for a minute." I yawned and giggled a little. Edward already had a blanket wrapped around me, covering my nakedness. He was comfortably snuggled into my side with one of his strong arms draped across me. I shifted so I could look into his eyes, which were glowing bright amber in the dim light. I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, "Boy, Edward, that was…." I gave a husky laugh, "I mean wow. Just wow." I closed my eyes and sighed again. It was a while before I came around enough to realize he wasn't moving or responding to my scintillating conversation.

I turned to cuddle further into his stone body, "Edward? What's wrong?"

"Did I hurt you?" He rasped, his voice barely audible.

That's what was bothering him? Lord help me, "Do I look hurt to you?"

He sighed, "Jasper was right, but I never understood it before now."

"What do you mean?" I frowned. I didn't agree with many of Jasper's views and I especially didn't like his opinion about Edward and myself.

"You're beautiful to me because you're human. Your frailty. Your fleeting life…your beating heart, even when you think it's breaking. All that seems suddenly more precious than anything I have ever known."

"My heart?" I scoffed dubiously, "What about my, you know… girly bits? Aren't they precious to you?" I wiggled my hips suggestively against his. He managed to crack a smile.

"Do you feel stronger?" He laid a smooth, cool hand against the spot where the bloodstone had sunk into my chest.

"I feel…" I hesitated, mentally assessing all my limbs and digits and organs and brain, "Full. Like something's been unlocked inside of me. I'm not stronger really; I just know how to be strong. Um, that sounds kinda lame. It's hard to explain…"

He smoothed my hair away from my face and gently held my chin, "So you feel ok?"

I grinned, slipping my hands out of the blanket to stroke his bare chest, "Better than ok. I'm lying next to a completely naked Edward Cullen." I gave a small squeal and teasingly nipped at his neck and licked his earlobe. He growled playfully and flung the blanket off of me, revealing my nude body. "God, Bella, you're so beautiful." He murmured appreciatively.

I scooted closer and began kissing his lips and neck and chest, making my way down his stomach. "Can I do something I've been dying to try since forever?" I grinned up at him. He arched an eyebrow, "As long as I get to reciprocate." My smile widened and I continued my downward trail, amazed at how far we've come and marveling at the future.

* * *

Charlie was on the phone with my mother, he was talking in low, harsh whispers. But despite his effort to hide in the farthest corner of the kitchen, every word I heard him say was like a kick to the teeth.

"No, I don't know what's going on, Renee. We can't just jump to conclusions…..well, no I haven't but I don't think…..what's a doctor going to tell me that I don't already know about my own goddamn daughter? …..No, yeah I'm sorry it's just that….I don't think pills are the right answer, I don't want her to be _artificially_ happy. I want her to get well on her own…What? No! I didn't mean on her _own, _on her own….damn it Renee, you know I'm here for her. I'm taking care of…well it doesn't help you were off God knows where when all of this….he's just a boy! What he did was horrible, but Cullen is just a kid, she'll get over him eventually it's just gonna…..I'm not trivializing her feelings! _You're not here. You don't know_. I know how serious this is. I see her _everyday _and she's a goddamn zombie for Christ's sake…..Okay! Fine, I'll take her in tomorrow morning. But _no pills_…fine. I'll call you later….fine….Jesus Renee, it's fine…Okay, goodnight."

So it's the doctor then. I'm not surprised, not really. I've been comatose for so long I can feel the ties in my mind unbinding one by one. The drive to wake up and start my day was the first tie to snap. Then the need to take care of myself slowly unwound. Eating came undone next; the effort to find food I could hold down seemed too enormous to deal with.

As the ties kept unwrapping I knew it would be harder to reconnect them. I also knew Charlie knew I was untying more important things, like my concept of reality. And my ability to keep my nightmares in check; the images of Edward were starting to make appearances in my waking hours. These broken connections in my brain were serious and would be unfixable if left severed for too long.

My father could see me standing on the cliff edge of insanity and he didn't know what to do. I could feel the wind at my back, pushing me over the precipice. Once I jumped, even if Edward came home, Bella Swan wouldn't be around anymore.

* * *

I was just about to loose consciousness as I pulled up to the Cullen's expansive gravel driveway. Carlisle was waiting outside, his medical bag in hand. I slowed my truck to a stop and with blood soaked fingers clumsily cut the ignition. Alice leapt from the truck and flitted to her adoptive father's side. She whispered a few quick words into his ear and disappeared into the house. I opened the cab door and practically fell out of the truck; Carlisle steadied me and slowly led me down to the ground. I leaned heavily against the truck's tire, trying to focus my eyes on his calm face.

"You've lost a lot of blood," he noted, opening his bag. He took out gauze, a syringe and a small bottle of clear liquid. I watched as he jabbed the needle into the bottle and drew the formula up the cylindrical tube. "I need to clean the wound, will you please hold out your arm?" He held the hypodermic syringe upside down, tapped it and discharged a small amount of liquid onto the ground.

I nodded weakly and held out my arm. I noticed his wife, Esme, darting around some distance away from us. She had brought out a metal basin and was piling sticks and chunks of wood inside. "What's Esme doing?" I asked. Instead of answering, Carlisle quickly jabbed my wound with the needle and injected the clear liquid. I gasped in pain and closed my eyes as the world spun around me.

"Oh God!" I panted.

"I need to inject the wound in a few more areas, Bella. Try and keep breathing." He cleaned and reloaded his needle faster than I could see. The pain rushed through me three more times before he put a steady hand on my shoulder. "All finished. You did great, try and hold on a little bit longer. I'm going to clean you up, give you a few stitches and dress the cut. Don't worry; it's not too deep. Alice used a lot of self-control."

I frowned, not really feeling comforted. Closing my eyes I sat and waited for him to finish cleaning and sewing my arm back together. His cool fingers were soothing as he wrapped the soft gauze around and around. "There," he breathed, the first breath I noticed him taking, "All done." I opened my eyes in time to see Esme gather all of his used tools and bloody materials and throw them into the large fire she had prepared. Black smoke issued from the flames, spiraling up into the morning sky. "The bloodstone Edward gave you had an interesting aftereffect, I see." He smiled at me; I didn't return the kindness.

I tried to stand and felt a familiar stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. Wincing, I collapsed back to the ground. Carlisle kneeled down, "How do you feel?" He peered at me and took my pulse by gently touching my throat.

I snorted, "How do I feel? I can't even…you can't just _ask_ that and expect me to…to…" I took a measuring breath, "I don't know what I'm feeling right now."

"You're alive. That's a start." He sighed and dropped his hand. "And the baby is fine, from what I can tell. Does that pain happen often?" He gestured to my stomach.

I nodded weakly, "About every half-hour I get a spasm. It makes me breathless and I have to stop moving before it goes away." I wrapped my arms around myself, "It doesn't feel like I thought it would. You know? Being pregnant."

Behind us I saw Esme freeze, dropping the rest of the firewood on the ground. She turned toward us but Carlisle stopped her with one look. She changed course mid stride and disappeared into the house. I think she looked sad, but I couldn't really tell.

"I've conducted some basic research," Carlisle turned to me again, "and I think I know why you're experiencing pain. If my theory is correct, it'll only get worse."

I blanched and held my stomach tighter, "What can I do?" I whispered.

"Blood," He said simply, "You're baby is hungry and from what I've read, it wants blood."

"What're you suggesting?" I quietly asked, already knowing the answer.

Carlisle reached into his carrycase and drew out a hospital blood bag. It looked so official, with the hospital seal and patient's name written on the plastic. It also looked a little evil.

"You want me to…" I gestured toward the bag.

He nodded, smiling lovingly down at me, "It might take the pain away. Let the baby grow a little."

I took the bag from his hand and examined it as the black-red liquid swirled around inside. The name on label read 'Virginia Dale'.

"You got a straw?" I grimaced.

* * *

Jacob sat on the edge of my bed, rubbing my feet. Charlie and a few other officers were milling around downstairs, packing up and talking in low voices. I'm paralyzed, unfeeling. Though I took a shower, it still feels like the cold forest dirt is under my skin. I can't get warm.

"You ever gonna tell me what happened to you?" Jacob asks softly.

"Someday, just not tonight." My voice is weak and strained. It was difficult to recognize it as mine. "It's off."

"With Edward?" He asks, feigning surprise.

I nod, dazed.

"Was it ever on?" Jacob questions as he switches feet.

"No….not really. But it could've been. In a world where good things happen to me." I flopped back onto the bed, covering my face with my arm. I willed the tears back.

Jacob sighed heavily. After a long silence he said, "Yeah, but that's not really where we live. Is it?"

* * *

_I dreamt of blood running down my throat. I was lying in a soft forest bed, among thousands of impossibly tall trees. And I was dead. Edward came looking for me, running through the woods. But I was lying so far away, hidden, unclaimed. When he eventually found me he was anguished, disbelieving. I wanted to tell him it was okay. I was dead. Nothing to be sad about, just dead that's all. But he wasn't listening. _

I woke with a start. Looking around the dark room with bleary eyes, I discovered Edward had moved me back to his soft leather couch. I was wrapped protectively in a blanket and I was still naked. I attempted to prop myself up on my elbows and failed; my swimming head prevented me from moving too far. "Mmm," I moaned. From somewhere in the room a book snapped shut. "Edward?"

He was at my side instantly, "Hello love, I thought I should let you rest. It's still the middle of the night." He stroked the hair from my forehead. "I'm so thirsty," I rasped, "could you…?" He smiled and was gone in a flash. I groaned and sat fully up, wrapping the blanket around myself. The room was dark except a small light in the far corner, near the shelves where the bloodstone used to be hidden. Edward reappeared with an ice-cold glass of water, which I thankfully drained in a few gulps. I noticed he had donned his boxers again and I eyed his half-naked body appreciatively. If I weren't so beat I would insist he remove the offending clothing post haste. But my body had other ideas.  
"Um, can I have a human moment?" I asked. He nodded knowingly and kissed me on the forehead, "I was going to wait until tomorrow, but I was wondering if I could fit in a quick hunt? It would be nice to run for a minute or two."

"Perfect," I yawned, "maybe I can sneak a shower in." To my surprise he growled low in his chest, "I'd hate to miss that." I looked down and he was perceptibly hard beneath his shorts. I giggled, "Vampire stamina, that's something I'll have to get use to."

"Indeed," He laughed, "And I'm going to have to get use to you being naked in my room." With absurd grace he scooped up his pants and slid into them, "I won't be long, but don't rush. Take as many human moments as you need." And with a lingering kiss he launched out the patio doors, into the night.

I sighed and padded around, collecting my clothes and fishing out PJ's from my stuffed backpack. Next to my pack were the shopping bags from earlier today and tastefully tucked within them was an arsenal of expensive lingerie. I smiled mischievously and decided to put the vampire's stamina to the test.

After some much needed bathroom time and an extra long shower, I wandered over to his bookshelves in search of something to read to put me to sleep. Edward had an endless collection of books, spanning a wide array of subjects. They were loosely organized, but not meticulously so. Finally I found a grouping of classics on a far shelf next to his reading chair. As I flipped through Faulkner, Joyce and Austin, my eyes wandered to the high shelf where my bloodstone had come from. The dusty chalice, the bone knife and the thin black rope were still neatly tucked away. Why were these objects stored with the stone? Where they…and I couldn't believe I was thinking this….magic? They looked ordinary enough, but out of place among his books and records and stereo equipment. What secrets could they possibly hold?

I reached up and took the gold chalice. It was covered in grime, but it had beautiful and intricate scrollwork carved on every surface. As I contemplated the odd symbols around the base I distinctly saw a glimmer erupt from the cup. I turned it toward me and peered inside. Either it was a trick of the light or the scrollwork was starting to move, writhing around the golden surface. I gasped and quickly replaced the chalice on its shelf. I had enough weird shit for one day. "Fuck," I murmured, "hope I didn't break it." To my relief, the golden light quickly shut off.

Grabbing the nearest Austin novel I retreated back to my couch bed. As 19th century England unfolded before me I wondered about stones and blood, magic and vampire boyfriends with mysterious chalices. If all of it was real then all I knew about the world was false. And if it's just a dream then I don't ever want to wake up again.

* * *

"Bella," Dr. Zurflue sternly asked, "If, Edward is it? If Edward didn't abandon you in the forest that night, then how did you go into the woods with him and then be found, hours later, alone on the ground?" Dr. Zurflue's office was full of light and decorated like a tasteful English cottage. She sat in a full suit despite the hot July weather, and was fixing me with a patient look of polite interest.

Instead of answering her I looked out of one of her many windows. The clinic grounds were peaceful, lush, and I spied Charlie's police cruiser in the roundabout. He was hoisting my old suitcase out of the trunk. Funny, I didn't remember packing.

"Will you answer my question?" Dr. Zurflue kindly asked, "Where was Edward when you were found by the search party?"

I shook my head a little and gazed groggily at her, "By the time they found me….he had disappeared."

"I see."

"No," I countered, "You don't." I picked up my cellphone and played with the flipscreen.

"Well, indulge me," she asked, sitting back into her armchair, "explain it to me."

"Explain what?" I huffed, "Explain, to a doctor, that the laws of physics can be suspended? Explain how a person can move from now to then and you can't see it?"

My phone annoyingly buzzed in my hands and somewhere a dog started barking. I flinched and I knew she saw me do it. I didn't want Dr. Zurflue to see me flinch but she was staring right through me, to my core.

"Why can't you see it?" she asked.

"What?"

"Why can't you see Edward moving? How can he disappear?"

I shook my head, hoping it indicated that I didn't know without committing to saying so.

"How do you feel right now?"

"I," I put down my phone, ignoring whatever text was trying to break through, "I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling."

She smiled kindly at me, "You need to rest. The best place in the world for you is right here."

"You don't mean stay here?" I shifted tensely in my seat.

"Bella, your father is a personal friend. He asked me to see you as a favor. Now it's time to realize you're hurting yourself and the people who love you. This facility is a topnotch place, lots of respectable people have stayed here."

She turned and pushed a few buttons on her office phone, "Yes, I'd like a room made up for our new patient. A Miss Isabella Swan. Yes, thank you."

"My father's here!"

"Yes," the doctor smiled, "he'll come by in a few days. I talked to him before, we agreed it would be less emotional this way." Through the window I saw the police car pull away down the road. An orderly was carrying my suitcase inside.

Abandoned a second time, it would seem.

* * *

"Let's get you up off the ground." Carlisle gently picked me up and carried me into the house. His cool skin felt good, soothing and familiar. Instead of laying me down on the living room couch he swooped up to his study. "Carlisle, where are we…?" He rested me on a loveseat and took the empty blood bag from my hands.

"We all need to meet, talk about a plan. What to do next. Did this help?" He threw the bag in the trash.

"Yes. I feel better. Stronger. It didn't even taste that gross."

He laughed, "You'll get use to the taste."

"Doubt it." I grumbled.

There was a commotion downstairs and then Jasper burst into the room, almost slamming the door off its hinges, "A traitor in our house! A brother killer." He sneered at me and I recoiled into the couch. Carlisle grabbed Jasper by his shoulder but the blond vampire rounded on him, "How _dare_ they, the slave dogs, come here to attack our women and laugh at us? Now," He beat his chest with his fist, "Now! By the honor of my family, I'll strike them dead. Damn the treaty!"

"Son," Carlisle soothed, "Treaty or not you talk of murder, Jasper. Think about your soul."

"DAMN MY SOUL!" Jasper spit venom on the floor, "Carlisle, these are werewolves, our enemy. A _villain_ we tolerate as neighbors, and we're surprised when they attack us with hate and spite."

"Are the Blacks responsible for this?" Carlisle asked with a blank face.

"It's them, that son-of-a-ware-bitch Jacob."

I whimpered from the couch, but covered my mouth when Jasper glared at me again.

"Find your calm, Jasper Hale. I will not, here in our town, make a move to war. The treaty stands. It stands because it's bigger than us. It sets precedence for all our kind. Be patient, son." Carlisle again put his arm around Jasper's shoulders, "A solution will present itself."

"I will not _endure_ them, Carlisle."

The older vampire's face shifted, turning into a well-ordered mask of rage, "They shall be endured," he commanded fierce and low. Jasper tried to shrug him off but Carlisle grabbed Jasper's face between his hands, "What? Goddamn boy! I say the treaty stands. Am I the master here, or you? You'll not endure them! God save you!"

Jasper looked enraged. But he was also afraid of his father, "Carlisle, it is a _shame_."

Carlisle struck Jasper, clean across his mouth "Get out." When the young vampire didn't move the doctor shouted, "Get out! You'll make a mutiny in _MY TOWN_? Get out."

"This treachery _shall not_ go unpunished." In a blur Jasper left the room, just as Alice, Esme, Rose and Emmett were coming in. He began pacing and muttering in the hallway, making no effort to be quiet.

"A shame," Carlisle muttered, "Indeed." He circled around his desk and sat heavily in his chair. The room was quite for a beat until Esme cleared her throat, "Darling? I'm going to write a few emails to the other covens. See if they've seen or heard anything about our son. And maybe see if they can help if it does come down to…" She choked on the word, "war." When her husband nodded she sat with her laptop and began rapidly typing.

"I just wish we knew how many pieces they cut off." Carlisle mused.

"Is it important to have them all?" I meekly asked. They turned to gawk at me, Esme had stopped her rapid typing, Jasper abruptly stopped his pacing and came back into the study. The silence was uncomfortable. "I mean, um, that is," I fumbled with my words, "Do we need all of Edward to bury him? Surly we can put most of him at rest."

"Bury?" Alice asked, a stitch forming between her brows.

"Are you going to burn him?" I asked Carlisle, confusion edging my words.

"Why would we burn him?" Emmett blurted, "He's not dead! Right Carlisle? He's not. Is he?"

"But he's cut up into a million pieces!" I shouted in horror, "You can't mean he's still living after all that." I couldn't believe this, it was too much. To live through such an experience must be worse than death. Worse than torture. I couldn't picture Edward actually _feeling_ anything after he was drawn and quartered. That would be unequivocally…monstrous. "I mean, he's dead. _He has to be dead!"_ I shouted hysterically. Rosalie walked over and curled up next to me on the couch, folding my hand reassuringly into her own. Her face was full of pity, mirroring the faces of her family. Her beautiful purple eyes contrasted the fresh scars marring her face. It was strange, but as she held my hand I wasn't afraid.

"He lives," Carlisle confirmed, "Perhaps on the edge of life. But if they didn't burn him, he's still repairable."

"Repairable," I murmured to myself.

I felt an overwhelming surge of relief and what could only be described as gratitude. For all that I've seen of the terrible vampire's curse, I was grateful it was keeping Edward alive. And almost as suddenly as it appeared, my warm fuzzy feeling was stomped by cold hatred. I hated Jacob Black for taking advantage of Edward's condition. Jake _knew _a vampire could stay alive while being cut apart. He had to have known otherwise they would have burned him on the spot. How horrible, I had no idea my best friend was capable of such ruthlessness. How dare he? How _dare_ he cut apart everything I cared about. How _dare_ he inflict such suffering on another living being, human or not. Who the hell does he think he is?

"I'm going to kill him." I suddenly whispered, breaking the flow of conversation around me. Jasper smiled derisively, "You mean your wolfy friend? You and what army, Bella Swan?"

"We start at the reservation. We find the Blacks and they'll give us Edward." I stood nose to nose with Jasper, challenging him to speak against me. "If they don't, you all know what needs to be done."

"Bella," Esme said quietly, "These are your friends you're talking about."

"They _broke_ your son, Esme! They ripped him to pieces. Whether he's alive or not, we can't let this go. We can't let them get away with this!" Alice wrapped her arms around me, trying to sooth and restrain me at the same time.

"Get off me, Alice! You know I'm right. You know it!"

"You're right," Carlisle spoke, surprising us all. "You're just not thinking clearly. If we're going to do this, we do it _my way._ Otherwise we drop this _now._"

"There's no time! Don't you understand?" I leapt out of Alice's arms, slamming my hands on his desk.

Something changed in the air then. It crackled with electricity and a dark cloud descended over the old vampire's young face. He leaned over the desk and grabbed my wrist; his touch was so cold it burned. As his grip tightened I realized I was afraid of Carlisle Cullen.

"_Don't tell me what I lost." _He growled, "_I know what I lost. Edward was my __**son**__." _He looked around the room, his eyes meeting each of us. Dropping my wrist, he straightened up and softened his expression. "Now, let's discuss the future, shall we?"

* * *

The sky through Jacob's garage door was dark, it was very late.

"Jake, I need to get home."

He looked up from his car, engine grease smeared across his cheek, "Wait a second, 'k? I need to get this one part in and then we can go." His head disappeared back under the hood.

I sighed and settled back into my chair, flipping idly through my texts. A jolt of electricity shot through me as I came across an old message from Edward. 'Be there in 5,' it read. My finger hovered over the delete button. It was stupid, I _knew_ it was stupid. But no matter how much I wanted to, I just couldn't make myself erase any lingering part of him.

"There," Jake said "all set." He slammed the car hood down.

I pocketed my phone, "You fixed it?"

He snorted, "Nope. We'll take my Dad's old jeep."

I laughed and jumped up, "If you can get it started."

The ride to Charlie's was quiet, full of Jake's latest music obsession. The band was dulcet, not really what I pictured him being into._ '__It's okay, to think about ending' _the singer whispered_, 'And it's okay, to not even start.' _The dark pushed around Billy Black's jeep, encasing us in a quiet bubble. '_Put it away, wait 'til tomorrow. Put it away and take care of your heart. Of your heart.'_

"This is nice," I sighed.

"Mm," he replied, keeping his eyes on the road.

As he pulled up to my driveway he tensed perceptively. I looked at him, not really understanding, "Jake?"

"Are you really over him, Bella?" He asked, looking at me awkwardly. This wasn't something either of us wanted to discuss. His hands rubbed anxiously over his jeans as he waited for my answer. '_It's okay, to stay here forever_' the singer said, '_And it's okay to read in the dark. Put it away, wait 'til tomorrow. Put it away, and take care of your heart.'_ Jake snapped the stereo off and looked at me with a mixture of confusion and hesitation, "I _really_ like you Bella. I mean I…I – "

I grabbed him in a huge hug, killing his sentence. I breathed into his neck, "No, I'm not Jake. Things are fucked up right now. We just have to make the best of it." He hesitated, and then wrapped his arms around me. It felt good, familiar. After a moment I sighed, "I'm sorry, I really have to go." And I let him go.

* * *

Something cool was creeping up my ankle, up my leg and snaking around my side. My eyes fluttered open and Edward was kneeling before me. He was gently untying the strings of my pretty blue negligée. It was light outside, morning.

"If you're trying to get some sleep, you really shouldn't be wearing this." The lacings of my top fell out one by one, revealing my breasts. His fingers glided gently over the peaks, making them harden. "I have Alice to thank, I presume?" He swept his hand over the matching lace panties.

"The All Knowing." I sighed, "I didn't have much of a choice. I assume you approve?"

He smiled, dark lust creeping into his eyes, "I would that you wear nothing else ever again." His hands moved to hook themselves around the elastic of my underwear, making to pull them down.

"What do you know about chalices?" I innocently asked.

"Fancy word for a cup." He murmured as he kissed a path from my neck to my collarbone.

I gasped when he licked the dip of my throat, "And what about golden ones? On bookshelves?"

He stopped, "You've been busy."

"I'm sorry. I was looking for something to read and it started to glow and um…move when I…when I touched it." I trailed off when he didn't change his expression. It was clear I messed up big time.

"It's never done that for me before." He lowered his hands.

"Another gift from your father?"

"Not really. This one came from the Volturi."

* * *

Emmett cut the engine, signaling it was time to walk the rest of the way. The Cullens explained it would be easier to sense an ambush if they were out in the open, with nothing impeding their senses. They also wanted any bloodshed to happen as far outside of town as possible. Only a handful of people knew about the situation, there was no real need to involve the entire tribe. Or so we all reasoned under Carlisle's insistence.

The tension was almost audible as we crossed the border into Quileute land. With no resistance or hesitation we crossed the invisible barrier I had always perceived as hard, immutable stone. The surrounding forest watched us with reserved indifference. A light rain started to fall, causing wispy fog to creep up from the nearby ocean. I knew, without really knowing why, we would be left alone on the long black road into town.

This is what prisoners must feel like on their last walk to the electric chair.

The Quileute reservation was quiet as we entered. Alice and Rosalie quickly flanked me while Emmett took up the front. Jasper had disappeared a mile or so back to scout the perimeter. We never expected to get this far without meeting some form of resistance. Emmett's growl broke the silence, "This goddamn quiet is starting to damage my calm."

"Where are they? The whole damn town seems deserted," Rosalie scanned a nearby gas station, "Isn't it strange we haven't encountered a single person since we got here? It's like 12 in the afternoon on a Monday. People have to be out somewhere!"

I looked around; all the houses were closed and still. No cars in the driveway, all the shops were empty. "They've evacuated," I said quietly, "Someone told them we were coming."

"But that would mean they told the whole reservation about us, about what we are. That doesn't compute, Bella." Alice's eyes darted around warily, "I mean, that breaks so many rules it isn't even funny. And where the hell is Jasper?" She huffed and turned to scan the forest beyond.

"They wouldn't have to tell the truth. They could've lied, told them something awful to get everyone to leave," I bent over to pick up a stray ball, left in the street by some kid, "It's a small place, it wouldn't take much to move everyone out."

Emmett suddenly froze and I ran right into him, dropping the ball. Rose and Alice automatically took defensive crouches around me, hissing low in their throats. I chanced a peek around Emmett's massive torso and was surprised to see Billy Black stopped in the middle of the road. He was sitting peaceably in his wheelchair, staring passively at the four of us. And he was totally alone from what I could see.

After a tense moment of all of us staring at each other, I whispered, "I think he just wants to talk."

"What if it's a trap?" Rosalie hissed.

"Bring it." Emmett snarled.

"He's one man in a wheelchair for Christ's sake. What's he going to do to three vampires?" I whispered.

Alice nodded, "Carlisle wanted us to talk. It seems like this is the time to do it."

Emmett gave a stiff nod and began advancing cautiously toward Billy. A little too cautiously. I grumbled and darted around him, walking quickly to meet Jacob's father.

"Bella." Billy stiffly acknowledged me.

"Uh, hey Billy," I awkwardly fumbled, "This is Emmett, Ros –"

"I know who they are," He cut me off.

"Right, well, of course. I guess you know why we're here then?"

"I do. You're after that Cullen boy. Edward. He's not here."

Emmett growled, "What do you mean, 'not here', old man? Where is he? Where have you taken my brother?"

Billy stiffened and to his credit looked the massive and looming Emmett in the eye, "He's been taken out of state. To a sympathetic reservation back east. I can't tell you more than that."

"Don't push your luck, Mother Fucker. I'll break the rest of your spine and drink the juices. It would be easy." Emmett cracked his huge knuckles and chuckled darkly.

Billy flinched and I couldn't blame him; Emmett looked every bit the dangerous predator.

"Stop it, Em." I whispered, "Billy, is Edward with Jacob right now?" My traitorous voice constricted, "Did Jake take Edward away?"

"Yes. My son and his boys have your vampire," Billy made no effort to hide the pride in his voice.

"Where are they? Will you tell us?" I wrapped my arms protectively around my core, right where my baby grew. The gesture did not escape his notice.

"You're demon spawn will kill you Bella. It'll take your life for its own. Think of Charlie. What that'll do to him."

Rose came up behind me and slipped her arms around my shoulders, "Mind your own business, Asshole."

"I'll live, Billy. And I'll do right by Charlie. That's not for you to worry about. What I do was never any of your business. You would do better to think about your own murdering son."

Billy laughed, low and cold, "You're one to talk about murderers, Bella. You keep odd company if that's how you feel."

"Fuck you," Alice spat.

"You talk to me like this? When I'm the only one who can tell you how to retrieve your kin? I'd be more polite if I were you, vampire."

Suddenly two huge wolves, one silver and one black, emerged from the distant forest. They marched steadily toward us, ignoring the Cullen's defensive stances and echoing growls. I instinctively placed myself between the two groups, forming a neutral zone. "Back away!" I shouted unconvincingly to the wolves, "It doesn't need to go down like this!"

"The hell it doesn't!" Emmett growled behind me, "Move Bella! Let us handle this Ware-trash."

"Back off, Emmett! Carlisle told us to find Edward."

Just then Jasper appeared, almost out of nowhere, carrying the limp form of Seth Clearwater by the throat. The wolves, sensing a standoff, parted to let him pass. He took his time to swagger toward us, "What, I find you arguing with these stupid servants?" He threw Seth to the ground and tisked for shame of us all. He glided up to Billy; his eyes glowing with horrible, thirsty flames. Billy didn't acknowledge Jasper, content to ignore him until Jasper put a cold hand on the old chief's shoulder. Quietly he murmured, "Turn now, William Black, and look upon your death."

"I'm only trying to keep the peace, vampire." Billy quietly rasped with only a slight quiver of fear in his voice, "At least try to part these men with me."

"What's this talk of peace?" Jasper spat, "I hate the word. As I hate all lycanthrope and _you_." I screamed as Jasper seized Billy by his jacket and lifted him from his chair. Emmett, Rose and Alice darted around to engage the wolves, fighting faster than I could keep track of.

Billy feebly struggled in Jasper's stone grip, "Release me Dead Man. This won't help your brother!"

"Put him down, Jasper. Stop it!" I ran to them and started pulling futilely on the blond vampire's arms, but it had as much effect as pulling on a statue. "You're hurting him! Stop it! He can't do anything to you, stop it!" The rage on Jasper's face scared me and I began to panic. Behind me I could hear the deafening snaps and snarls and blows of my friends tearing each other apart. Seth was unconscious at my feet; he looked dead. It was all spinning out of control so fast.

* * *

'_Good times for a change  
See, the luck I've had  
Can make a good man turn baaaaad'_

So please please please  
Let me, let me, let me  
Let me get what I want this tiiiimmme'

I slowly cranked up the volume on the kitchen radio and started to sway my hips. I haven't heard this song in years. It was like talking to an old friend again. I splashed the dishwater about and hummed along with the song.

'_Haven't had a dream in a long time  
See, the life I've had  
Can make a good man baaad'  
_

It was so nice to like music again. I had shut out that part of me until I returned from Italy. Edward took so much more with him than he'll ever know, maybe more than even I can comprehend. Charlie's faith in me, Jacob's best friend, my sanity…

I shook my head, banishing dark thoughts and tried to hum along with the music. But somehow the sweetness had already left the song.

_'So for once in my life  
Let me get what I want  
Lord knows it would be the first tiiiiimmme  
Lord knows it would be the first time'_

* * *

"I brought you these," Charlie laid three or so spring prom magazines on the scuffed coffee table, "Thought you might want a look."

"Dad," I rolled my eyes, momentarily taking my attention away from Heathcliff's plangent monologue. "There aren't many eligible guys roaming around a clinic. Besides," I dropped my voice to a low mutter, "I wouldn't go without _him_."

"Edward left us, Bella. Take a hint."

"We don't take hints, Dad."

A stony silence issued between us. Charlie took the dayroom remote and flicked on a hockey game. He was quickly absorbed. I returned to my book and was contently reading until he darted up and to the window, "I thought I saw something out there." Charlie cracked open the dayroom curtains and peered over the clinic's backyard. His attention momentarily torn from the hockey game blaring on the television.

"Dad, it's probably an animal or something." I yawned from the couch, curling into my book.

"Naw, it looked human." Charlie sighed, still peering through the curtains.

"Seriously Dad. Maybe it's the Forks Strangler, coming to kill us during playoff season."

"Yeah," He conceded, plopping down on the other end of the couch. His eyes were sucked back into the game. Suddenly I noticed the distinctive outline of a body leaning against a tree in the yard, some 40 feet from the clinic's backdoor. I didn't need a second look to tell it was Jacob Black.

"Hey, I'm really sleepy," I yawned again, wrestling myself from the couch. "I think I'll call it a night."

"Mm," Charlie muttered, accepting a kiss on the cheek as I left the dayroom. "Night." He called after me, "I'll check in with Nurse Bayfield before I leave. See you tomorrow morning."

I made for corridor to my room, but when I was sure Charlie and the nurses weren't looking, I fled for the back door. Once outside I crept around the clinic and underneath the dayroom window, signaling Jacob. He nodded in a nonchalant way and traipsed toward me, carefully avoiding the light emanating from the building.

It had been two weeks since I moved to the Forks psychiatric clinic. It's a very small facility and I was one of the youngest patients. It was for the best, I needed to be watched after I tried to kill myself. I didn't use razors or pills or alcohol. But I did try to just lie down and die, refusing all food and water. When I blacked out in the shower and severely gashed my head on the tub, Charlie and Renee checked me in here.

I'd been avoiding Jake and all of my friends. They thought I flew to Florida to see my mother. Looks like someone finally told the Blacks the truth.

"Hey," He grinned as he jogged closer, "I brought beer." He held up a six-pack of cheap domestic. When I didn't smile his face fell a little and solemnity crept into his features, "I wanted to see you." He didn't look at me as he said this. I nodded in defeat.

Jacob sat next to me on the concrete steps, cracking open a beer and handing it to me. "We miss you on the 'Rez. Sam's getting crazier everyday. Billy's still mad a me,"

We simultaneously took swigs out of our beer and I smiled empathetically at him. Same old Jake, same old problems. It was nice to know some things haven't changed. He caught my smile and fixed me with a miserable stare, "Come back, Bells." I shook my head no. "Come back to us."

"No," I looked away, unable to say it to his face, "No Jake, not this time. I don't like it here," I chanced a glance at him, his face hadn't changed. "But I haven't had an episode since I checked in. And Charlie needs to know I'm okay, he needs me safe. And you know what?" I swigged my beer, "I'm learning to control the fear. I'm learning where it comes from. For the first time since _he_ left, I'm not afraid." I smiled wanly at him, hoping he would believe me. He returned my look, the gloom slightly lifting from his face.

I turned to Jacob and put my hand on his shoulder. "Listen, Jake. I have a chance here, to make things right in my mind again. To forget in the doctor's words my '_mania'_, um, over…you know, over _him_."

He shook his head and stood, easily three feet taller than me, so I couldn't hold his shoulder any longer. "And if you really care for me," I looked up at him, "You won't come back."

Jake looked stricken, but he squeezed my hand between his huge fingers as I smiled up at him. He turned to cross the lawn, making no effort to avoid the lighted windows. When he was about to jump the fence he yelled, "Yeah, just don't kill yourself, Bitch!"

"What?" I shrieked, "Jacob Black! You get back here and apologize! You fucking asshole!" Jake didn't look back as he launched himself over the fence and disappeared.

More lights flicked on in the clinic windows and Charlie ran out the door to grab me. He had a difficult time, as I was busy cussing at the retreating Jacob and viciously throwing the rest of his beer off of the stoop. I wouldn't go inside until I watched every last can explode on the clinic's sidewalk.

* * *

The knife. It was nestled safely in my back pocket. It was blunt and harmless to my mortal skin but a deadly enemy to any vampire. I couldn't believe I was prepared to save Jacob's traitorous father with the same knife used to cut apart my undead boyfriend. But it had to be done, Billy was my only way to Edward and Jasper was simply in the way.

It all happened so fast. Jasper had Billy by the throat, dangling over his wheelchair, the others were fighting behind us, Seth remained unconscious on the ground. A horrible ripping sound followed by base howling rent the air. I grabbed the knife from my pocket. Looking back I saw Rosalie finish ripping the silver wolf's head clean off. A crimson shower rained down on the battle, which the wolves were now loosing. Shock, cold and swift, poured through my veins and before I knew what I was doing I screamed and plunged the knife into Jasper's boot. Right where his foot met his toes.

More movement blurred around me, more horrible howls filled the rainy afternoon. Billy slumped back into his chair, I was face down next to Seth Clearwater who I now knew was dead. Not sleeping but dead. Then the pain started. As I screamed I was vaguely aware of the snarling and ripping and battling stopping all together.

"Jasper! What the hell are you doing?" I heard Alice gasp, horror lacing her words.

"Easy bro – calm the fuck down. That's Bella you got pinned." I could see Emmett's big boots skid to a halt next to my face; the yellow suede was coated in dark gore. Wolf guts.

Rosalie did not come to my aid, but I was distantly aware of a soft, throaty keening issuing from somewhere nearby.

"Fucking Bitch stabbed me!" Jasper laughed incredulously. He twisted his boot further into my spine to emphasize his point. I cried out and closed my eyes to the eerily still face of Seth. "She still had that goddamn knife that cut Edward."

"Jesus. Alice? You got this? I gotta get Rose, she's losing it over there." Emmett darted out of sight and the low, sad noise in the distance began to diminish.

"Jasper," Alice snapped, "I don't care if she gouged your precious blue eyeballs from your pretty little head. You don't treat Bella Swan this way. Let her up. Now. Or so help me, I'll stab you again myself." She stomped her foot, making some crimson juice splatter on the ground around her. Gradually the pain subsided until it was gone altogether. I sat up and looked at the two vampires before me.

Alice was completely covered, head to foot, in blood. It matted her black pixie hair and stained her fine clothing with dark, sinister splotches. She was bending over to extract the knife from her husband's foot, being careful not to touch the blade. It wasn't easy, the knife held firmly in his boot. Jasper was incensed; his eyes were the color of pitch and his stone face looked furious.

"I'm sorry Jasper." I murmured shyly as I fumbled upright.

He scoffed and began to say something, but at that point the knife slid from its sheath and he gave a pronounced yelp of pain.

"Ha," Billy suddenly chuckled, "It's less than you deserve, Bloodsucker."

I reeled around and slapped the old man square across his face. "You shut your decrepit old mouth Billy Black. It's you that should have a knife slid between his ribs! You shut your mouth before I forget to save your life a second time." I spit on his boots, which were lamely splayed across his wheelchair footrests. He wisely held his tongue.

"And you," I spun around to face Jasper and Alice, "You killed Seth Clearwater! He's 15 years old for Christ's sake. We never agreed on this – this _brutality. _Carlisle would be horrified to see you act like fucking animals killing children and crippled old men. You're better than this. ALL OF YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!" I screamed at the top of my voice, making sure Rose and Emmett could hear. Alice moved to speak but I cut through her, "Shut up, Alice. Just shut up. I don't even want to know whose blood is all over your goddamn face. You all listen to me and be damn sure to write this the fuck down. Billy knows where Edward is. _So Billy is mine._ You all need to back the fuck off before you _ruin_ any chance I have to save what's left of my baby's father." I huffed, shaking head to toe with adrenaline.

Jasper moved and I flinched, "Easy Bella. Maybe this will let you know what type of 'brutality' we're facing here." He tossed me a small moleskin pouch, which was heavier than it looked and cold to the touch. "I found this on your 15 year old."

With shaking hands I opened the pouch and dumped its contents into my open palm. It was a long, slender index finger, white and hard and cold. I knew this finger; I knew it like I knew my own. As I stood transfixed by the relic in my hand I tried to process how large all of this was. How much of Edward they had really taken from me. And to my utter fascination and horror the finger began to twitch spasmodically on my palm.

* * *

"Breakfast!" Edward exclaimed, jumping up.

I covered myself and shuffled out of the makeshift bed, "Oh no. Don't tell me you imported phoenix eggs from Mt. Olympus and fresh pressed apple juice from the Tree of Knowledge."

"Ha! Maybe next time, love." He tossed me my jeans, "For now I was thinking an egg-in-a-hole, maybe some bacon and a cappuccino."

I dug out a brush from my bag and attempted to tame my sex hair, "Yuck. I don't really drink coffee."

He quirked an eyebrow, "Well I do have some blood orange juice."

I stopped brushing, "You're joking."

"Blood oranges are sweeter. You really should try them." He began folding up my blankets and smoothing out the couch.

I put a hand over my mouth, "Oh! I'm so sorry. Right. I thought you meant _blood_ blood orange juice. Of course, I've had them before."

"You thought I'd mix blood into orange juice and then serve it to you?" He asked defensively.

"Um, for a second there….yeah?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Gross." He crinkled his nose.

"Oh come on, Edward. You probably find the orange juice more offensive than the blood." I gave up on my hair and swooped the mess into a loose bun.

"So what if I do?" He dismissed.

"Vampires," I sighed exasperatedly.

* * *

I was waiting outside the clinic for Charlie, sitting on the porch steps with my shabby suitcase leaning against my legs. Through overlarge headphones my iPod was quietly humming an endless mix of Debussy. I stood when a police cruiser rolled up the driveway.

My father lumbered out of the car, his eyes never leaving me. He looked tired and he was still in uniform. "Ready to go?" He asked, pretending casualness though I could see the concern in his eyes.

I nodded and without another word he hoisted my suitcase into the trunk.

The small logging town of Forks sloshed by my car window. It was raining exceptionally hard today, making the numerous unpaved roads run thick with mud.

"You look great! Are you excited to be going home?" Charlie asked, his eyes trained on the windshield.

"Yeah." I sighed, no real excitement in my voice.

"Aaannd…" He prompted.

"And yes, I'm happy to go home. Thank you, Dad, really. For….for everything." I shrunk further into my seat and pulled my hoodie up over my hair, covering most of my face. "Anyway, it doesn't matter now, does it? It's done. I made my choices."

He heaved a sigh, "Yes but you could have shared them with me."

"I couldn't have told you."

"You chose not to tell me," He countered, "You lied."

"Lied?" I asked, "Lied about what, Dad?"

"About your condition. About how bad Edward hurt you. About how serious it all was." Charlie gripped the steering wheel and took the turn to our house a little too sharply.

"I didn't want to get you involved. They were my problems. I had to suffer through them."

"But I suffered anyway, didn't I?" His voice shook, "I just didn't know why."


	10. Part II, Chapter 5

Oh my gawd! This update was too long coming. Sorry for my one or two fans who may have given up by now. But, never fear, this Fic is never far from my mind. Lots of stuff happened last chapter, namely we said goodby to Seth Clearwater and said hello to Edward's gross finger. I mean, really? Yuck. This chapter we explore more of what Bella has to do to get Edward back and how her human/wolfy friends are dealing with the reality of her choices.

Cheers!

PART 2

5

"What the hell is this?" I waved the severed finger in Billy Black's face.

"A finger," He said.

"I know it's a goddamn finger!" I shouted, "What was Edward's finger doing around Seth Clearwater's neck?"

"You're bleeding. Did you know? Just above the eyebrow." Billy cocked his head to the side and scrutinized my wound.

My hand leapt to my forehead and produced a viscous black liquid. "Oh," I mumbled, "must have happened when I, um, attacked Jasper."

"Black blood, is it then?" He asked, his voice full of distaste, "They have their hooks in you deeper than we imagined."

"The finger, Billy," I sighed in exasperation, "What about Edward's finger?"

"The Pack all have a piece of your boy. They're trophies and insurance."

The Cullens hissed low in their chests. I held up a hand for them to quiet, "Insurance for what?"

"No vampires," Billy declared, "For every vampire you bring onto our scared lands, we'll burn one piece of him."

Jasper moved to speak but I silenced him with a sharp gesture. He bristled and walked a few paces off, muttering angry words under his breath.

"Billy, that's hardly fair. How am I supposed to do this alone?" I carefully wrapped Edward's wriggling finger back in the moleskin pouch and put it around my neck. It lay heavily against my chest.

"You're not alone, Bella. You've never been alone. You're human, stick to your own kind for help."

"They're his family," I motioned to the Cullens, who were now grouped together and talking in low voices. Rosalie had rejoined them, her eyes a shade of brilliant scarlet. "They have a right to help find him."

"They're not of his blood."

"Family is more than blood, Billy Black. My father would be ashamed to hear you talk like this."

Billy sat straight in his chair and jabbed a finger at me, "_We burn one body part every time a goddamn unconsecrated corpse walks onto our lands._ Remember that, Bella. We'll let today's transgressions go, next time we won't be so forgiving."

"Ha! Forgiving. That's new." I shook my head, fighting the bitter taste in my mouth, "So where do we start?"

"We have four pieces here. In our lodge. They're all waiting for you now."

"Who's waiting for me?"

He simply smiled and rolled his wheelchair around. I turned to follow, hoping to God I knew what I was doing. "Who's waiting for me? Billy? Come on, wait up!" The old Chief slowed his pace, "Not so fast," he glowered, "You'll need to get Seth back to his mother."

Reluctantly I turned to look at the dead body on the ground. _Not sleeping, but dead_, my mind whispered, _not sleeping, not going to wake up again. _

"Of course," I breathed, trying to stave off the panic I felt growing in my gut, "What do I need to do?"

"Carry him." Billy said without humor.

"But he's like twice my size!" I cried.

"Your friends murdered Sue Clearwater's son. The least you can do is carry his body back to her."

I blanched but acquiesced. Emmett met me at the corpse, "You sure you want to do this?" He asked.

"It's what's right." I sighed, "Seth never had a problem with vampires, but he was killed by one anyway. This literally is the least I can do." I nodded, signaling I was ready. Emmett sighed and picked up the dead boy, "Turn around, I'll have to put him on your back." Of all the Cullens, Emmett looked the most remorseful about the day's events. His naturally easygoing smile had disappeared behind a somber mask.

The weight of Seth's body nearly toppled me, but I grit my teeth and laboriously righted myself. My lower abdomen intensified it's painful throbbing and I fought a wave of nausea; I would have to feed again soon if the baby was ever going to give it a rest. Taking a shaky step I realized even with Seth set high on my back his feet would drag on the ground. This was going to be a slow, painful walk. Before I moved to meet up with Billy, I shot Jasper what I hoped was a shameful glare. He just stared back, his expression blank.

The Cullens moved to follow us, but I waved them off. Alice flitted to my side, "You don't want us to come with?" She asked, a little pout on her lips.

"Not this time, Alice." I grunted and shifted Seth's weight around, "They'll burn Edward if you do."

She narrowed her eyes and glared at Billy, "I know. We all heard him. What do you want us to do?"

"Wait by the car, I'll be back soon." I paused, "Don't tell Carlisle and Esme yet. You can't break this to them over the phone."

She zipped away to tell the other vampires, who all objected until the burning was mentioned. Then, one by one, they left in white blurs. Jasper was the last to go, he gave Billy and I a murderous scowl before darting off into the forest.

Billy chuckled, "He's hotheaded, that blond one."

"You have no idea," I sighed.

When we finally came upon the lodge door, Billy wheeled around to face me, "Do you know why I'm helping you?"

"No." I said through clenched teeth, hoisting Seth further up my back. His body temperature was frigid and I shivered when his cold, dead cheek pressed against mine. _Just like Edward, _my mind screamed, _Just as dead, just as cold. _I forced the thought away.

"Because Jacob would want me to," He said simply.

"Now, that I don't believe," I half laughed, half grimaced.

"Ah, but how else is he ever going to see you again?" Billy asked as the lodge doors opened.

* * *

Edward and I were sitting in a booth in the town's only diner. I was busily eating lunch while he was pretending to enjoy his coffee. Snow was falling hard outside, blanketing Fork's small downtown in a white haze.

"Wow, I'll be 18 soon. That's so crazy, it's like 6,000 days ago I was born."

"6,570," Edward corrected.

I laughed, "Thanks. So how many hours is that then?"

"157,680."

"And min-"

He interrupted, "9,460,800 minutes. 567,648,000 seconds. " He seemed unusually distant; distracted by something I couldn't guess. And if I was being honest with myself, he sounded bored.

"567,648,000 and 1," I corrected, "I'm getting older as we speak. You better change me soon," I half-joked, "I'm no good to you dead."

"Did you know a live body and a dead body contain the same number of atoms?" Edward gazed out the window as he spoke, watching the snowfall, "Structurally speaking there's no noticeable differences."

"Except that the body is dead," I scoffed, "That _is_ a noticeable difference to vampires, I'm assuming?"

Edward looked around; making sure nobody heard my little outburst. When he was sure no one was paying attention he muttered, "Life and Death are unquantifiable abstracts to my kind." He continued to casually stir his coffee, pretending to enjoy it. I tried hard not to be disturbed by his human charade. His mannerisms were so well rehearsed I sometimes forgot they weren't natural. I sometimes forgot how real vampires acted. But today, with his stupid coffee getting slowly colder between us, I couldn't ignore the lies, however white.

"Unquantifiable." I parroted, frowning.

He sighed, his unnatural amber eyes bright and searching, "We participate in neither the creation of life nor do we experience the miracle of death. The older I get the more difficult it is to be concerned with them at all. I'm worried about _causing_ death, sure. But dying? I can't say I ever think about it."

I dropped my pizza slice and signaled the waitress for the check.

"Aren't you hungry?" Edward fussed, "You should eat something."

"I've lost my appetite." I replied coolly as I paid the bill. When I attempted to stand he put a strong hand on my arm, restraining me, "Why does my perception of reality distress you?" I tried not to notice his bright eyes clouding over with an oily blackness.

"Because it's inhuman." I shook him off and he reluctantly dropped his hand. "Because it drives me insane." I gathered my bag and car keys in a huff, "Call me when you can tell the difference between the living and the dead." I marched out of the diner, tears annoyingly pricking my eyes.

I didn't want to be mad at him. I didn't want to view him as unnatural. But I also didn't want a boyfriend who talked about death like it was no big deal. Dying was all I ever thought about anymore. My death. My family's. Thoughts that never surfaced until I met the Cullens.

As I made my way home, spinning the tires on every patch of ice, I was painfully aware I didn't know what I wanted.

* * *

Jessica Stanley was lounging on the picnic tables outside Forks High School. She was wearing an annoyingly adorable sundress that was way too short. It looked like a goddess had decided to bask in the sun, blessing us mere mortals with her company. I walked by Mike Newton, who was ignoring Jessica and showing off his new phone to Tyler Crowley. "What up, La Bella Notte?" Tyler put his arm around my shoulders, "Where's that playa Cullen?"

"Camping," I lied.

"Psssh, that fool ditches like every other day. How's he not expelled yet?" Mike lamented as he turned his phone sideways to show Tyler a video of an LOL cat.

"His parents pull him out and he like gets straight A's or some shit," Tyler chimed in as the tiny phone cat stumbled drunkenly into a wall, "Awe man, that cat is hilarious."

I rolled my eyes, "You're using a smart phone to watch a video of a sedated cat?"

"Do you want to watch that video of the guy with a chainsaw on a rope?" Mike asked, obviously not getting my meaning. "Um, no." I hedged, "It's cool." I left the boys to sit with Jessica in the sun. It was one month to the day that Edward and I started dating and my 'human' friends were warming up to the idea. It was odd to hear them talking so casually about Edward, like he was almost a friend.

"Hey Jess, how's it going?" I plopped myself down on the picnic table.

"God," she moaned, "Was Mike trying to show you the video of that stupid cat?"

I laughed, "Yeah, it was thrilling."

"Oh, like, I know right? I had to watch it a million times last night." She shifted her hair from one shoulder to the next.

"Last night, huh?" I teased.

She feigned a blush, "Oh, yeah. You know. It's getting pretty heavy now."

"Are you guys in love?" I asked curiously.

"Who, me and Mike?"

"Duh, who else R-tard?"

"Bitch!" She replied playfully and whacked me on the arm, "Well I'd have to think about that." She sighed, readjusting her sunglasses.

"It's not really a thinking question," I mumbled.

"Well…" She started in a tone of deep contemplation, "I worship him and all. If he died, I die. If he told me to cut off my left arm, I'd probably do it."

"Alright, alright. I get it." I felt irritation suddenly overtake me. It was the way she talked so casually about dying. I could die if I stayed with Edward. If I was being honest, I _should_ die to stay with him. What could Jessica Stanley know about that?

"So yeah, I guess I love Mike. It's weird, I never thought I'd fall in love." She giggled, fixing a bra strap so it wouldn't show. I could tell her mind had already wandered to other things, satisfied with the assessment of her love life. I was not satisfied. Loving Edward was so much more complicated and really, what were we trying to accomplish? Eventually I'd wind up dead or the living dead. A wave of melancholy abruptly swept through me. And with it, an impending sense that my philosophies were falling apart. Would I cut off my arm if Edward asked it of me? And why was I so eager to rush into the arms of death for him? I don't know. They don't teach you that in school.

"Alright," I sighed, getting up from the table, "I was just wondering."

* * *

A sweet, heady smell rolled through the open lodge doors. It was hot inside and so dark that it took a few moments for my eyes to adjust. I could vaguely make out several figures seated around a conference table, the whites of their eyes trained on me. The interior of the building was a mixture of an office conference room and an ancient ceremonial gathering place. Ancestral hides and carvings hung next to file cabinets and dry erase boards. At the far end a fireplace was burning bright.

One of the smaller figures abruptly left the table, rushing toward us. With a rising panic I realized it was Sue Clearwater. "Seth?" She quailed, "Is that my baby? Seth!" Billy motioned for two men to take the dead body from my back and place it on the meeting table. Sue shakily took Seth into her arms and started wailing. "My babies are dead!" she moaned, "My babies are dead…."

I moved closer to Sue, unable to find the words. "Sue," I rasped, "Sue I…I'm so…"

"You!" She suddenly turned on me, "You brought this madness on us! You did this!" She lunged at me but was intercepted by a large, solid looking man I had never seen before. I stumbled back in shock as Sue continued to claw at me through her captor, "Are you happy now? Are you?" She screeched.

"Get her out of here," Billy's gravelly voice ordered over the general commotion.

"What did she mean?" I asked a grave looking William Black and an all too quiet room. "Her babies. What was she talking about?"

"Leah Clearwater is dead," An unrecognizable tribal elder answered.

My blood ran cold.

Billy rolled up to the table, "Your tiny she-demon took off her head this afternoon. And that blond bitch fed on her."

"Oh," I mumbled numbly.

"Oh." Billy echoed.

The room was quiet for a beat before all the elders burst into argument all at once. Some were yelling about the Clearwaters, some were upset about the 'vampire threat'. Others were wondering what to do about me. No one was talking about Edward or the pieces they were holding captive. A raw ache swelled in my abdomen, intensified by the violent yelling from the people around me. The baby needed to feed and I clutched my center in pain as it tried to suckle nourishment from my insides.

"Excuse me," I tried to voice over the shouting. No one paid attention to me and the arguing was quickly escalating. "Hello? Where are the pieces of Edward, can I have them now?" One or two of the old chiefs began yelling in a different language; Billy was pounding on the conference table that held Seth's body. "Shut up!" I screamed, "EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!" I took the nearest thing at hand, a coffee pot, and threw it against the fireplace's stone mantle. Glass and cold coffee splattered on the hearthstones. The elders quieted and turned to me, annoyance clearly written on their faces.

"Someone needs to teach this _wisatsu'upat_ manners." A stern looking man glowered across the table, "She brings disrespect wherever she goes."

I prickled, "Me? Me bring disrespect? What about this?" I snatched the pouch off my neck and threw it on Seth's chest. "Cutting a man to pieces?" I ignored the poorly concealed scoffs, "Keeping his body hostage from his family?" I paused, measuring up the now silent table around me, "I didn't start this. I never wanted any of this. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to get married. I wanted to be happy, goddamn it. And now I'm collecting scraps of my undead boyfriend from a mother fucking pack of prideful, bloodthirsty wolves."

"Your choices brought you here," Billy frowned.

"I didn't start this," I continued, "_But I will finish it._" I collected Edward's finger off of Seth and laid my hand on the boy's quiet chest, "There will be deaths." I gave Billy a hard look, "More family's will suffer. That I can promise if I don't walk out of here with two things – "

"You're making threats you can't back up," A woman at the far end of the table cautioned.

"You're making a powerful enemy," I countered. "There are more immortals who care for Edward than you could possibly know. In their world he's considered valuable. For his talents, the incredible things he can do." One or two of the elders shifted uncomfortably and looked to the others for clarification. Apparently they didn't know vampires had skills beyond drinking blood. "There are…forces," I continued, trying to be clear without providing too much information. "Powerful and severe, who will be obligated to act if this situation spins out of control. We can end this here, now. But I need two things to do that: the body parts you have with you and the location of any others."

Quiet murmurs broke out around the table; Billy was simply staring at my hand on the youngest Clearwater's corpse. I secretly willed Seth's chest to rise under my palm, but it wouldn't. "She lies," one of the large young men spat, "We can't trust a Vamper Whore. She's just buying time."

I looked at him, pity in my eyes, "I wish I was lying. I'm not. We all die if you don't give me what I want. But, it might not matter anyway. As I've said, many powerful creatures loved Edward. We might already be on borrowed time."

"It's not our intention to keep you from what you want," Billy sighed. He produced a large map and unrolled it on the table. With a wave of his hand he dismissed a few of the group. They returned moments later with boxes of various sizes. "The Appellation Mountain Range," Billy jabbed his finger at the map, "specifically the Blue Ridge Mountains. That's where you'll find the rest of him. Jacob and some of the boys are en rout as we speak; they intend to meet up with a sympathetic tribe in Tennessee. Once you find a settlement called Ramseytown, go to the White Hart Inn. They'll take care of you from there."

"How will they know it's me?" I asked.

"They know all about you Isabella Swan. Your reputation precedes you."

"Yeah, my rep as a Vamper Whore," I sighed, "Alright. Can I have Edward now?"

Billy nodded and the packages were laid before me. Each body part was wrapped in brown paper and twine, like a present in the mail. As I inspected the macabre parcels I swore I heard the smallest box rustle, like a caged bird. Suddenly the tiny child inside me fluttered nervously, almost in response to Edward's faint presence. This saddened me beyond words.

"Are we square?" I asked Billy as I gathered together the heavy, slightly cold packages.

"Oh, I think we're past that." William Black chuckled, "Atonement has only begun for your kin and mine. Goodbye Bella."

I fumbled awkwardly toward the exit, eager to leave the stuffy lodge. Before I made a run for it, I turned at the door, "This better be all of him or you better start burning the evidence. Because I will come back if I find out any of you are lying. And when I do," I measured up each and every person in the room, "I'll be after your blood."

* * *

It was hot. Years from now the people of Forks would be saying, "It's hot. But not as hot as the summer Dr. Cullen skipped town."

In a slightly desperate effort to cheer me up, Jacob coerced me into a fishing trip with Billy. The air was heavy and still as we pushed off the dock, our gear loaded and neatly organized on the tiny motorboat.

I began to see the benefits of this little excursion once we were out on the lake. The hot summer day felt a little more bearable and there was nothing but unfiltered peace between the water and the sky. The further we traveled from the shore something inside slowly unwound and I could breathe the clean, strong air again.

"Jake," I hesitantly put a hand on his shoulder, "you okay?"

He waved me off, recoiling a little further inside himself. I looked at Billy and he simply shrugged, casting his reel far across the water.

I turned my body, in a feeble attempt to give Jake and I some privacy, "Okay," I breathed, "What's up?"

Instead of answering me, attempted a cast but it plopped a few feet from the boat. "God," he muttered, "I can't even cast right around you." He schlepped the rod unceremoniously to the bottom of the boat. "Look," he growled, "were you really going to be like, with _with _that Bloodsucker?"

I stared at Jake; his large body slumped over the side of the boat, one hand trailing in the water. "You look like a moody child." I whispered, "Is this why you invited me out here?"

"That's not an answer," he smirked.

"It's not," I admitted, "I don't know, Jake. Okay? I still don't."

He wisely decided to leave it at that.

The rest of the trip passed quietly enough, though the small peace I found had been unseated. In the end it was good to spend time with the Blacks, but I was happy to be done with the day when they dropped me off at home.

Sometime after dinner Charlie was called away to a crime scene. Apparently a man had been attacked and badly mauled by a large animal. It happened just outside the town limits, somewhere on a deserted forest road. With a sad shake of his head, Charlie insinuated that the victim could have been saved if Forks didn't just loose the world's best surgeon.

Once my father left I tapped on the television, curious to see if the attack had made the 10 o'clock news. Sure enough, a picture of the dead man was flickering on the screen. He looked familiar…unkempt bronze hair, pale skin, handsome but not really as breathtaking as….and slightly older than….oh. Oh! I felt a chill creep up my spine as I grabbed my cell and frantically called Jake. Four phone calls and six texts later, I came to two realizations. One, Jake was never going to answer his phone. And two, I would never ask him about that dead man even though I knew, in my heart of hearts, he was somehow responsible.

* * *

"You really should have my husband take a look at this."

Esme wiped some blood away from the gash in my forehead. I could tell she was trying not to inhale. The Cullen children and I had made it home, with a handful of morbid packages and long, sullen expressions. Jasper and Carlisle immediately retreated to the study while the others dispersed quietly. Their bright, modern house had rapidly taken on the ambiance of a funeral parlor.

"It's not so bad." I said in a shaky voice.

"Well, I'm sure you'll be fine." She reassured me as she wrung the cloth under scalding hot water in her kitchen sink.

"I didn't say that," I shook my head and looked out the large glass windows shining with the fading afternoon light.

She paused, looking down at me as I sat hunched over their breakfast bar. After a minute I looked up at Esme and asked with thick words, "Is this what life is? With all of you?"

She looked a little surprised, but her lovely golden eyes held no apology. She sternly nodded and said, "Sometimes."

I shook my head slowly, bewildered by the last few days. "I've been alive only 18 years," I pulled a tremulous hand through my hair, "Today I've bled more times than I can count. I've fallen in love with a chopped up immortal man who, as we speak, is wriggling inside of a handful of boxes. I watched Jasper and Alice kill a brother and sister I once called friends," My body started to tremble, "And I'm not even sure it was wrong…"

Esme bent over me, "Darling…shhh." She whispered, pleading for me to be quiet; to be at peace.

"I believe I just…"My voice gave way and I bowed my head, "I think I have the wrong life!" I half laughed and half sobbed.

She rubbed my arms reassuringly with her cool hands "Maybe," she said, "Or maybe you're exactly where you ought to be."

I gave in to the crushing feeling in my chest and began to sob quietly. Esme put her hand on my shoulder and waited with me until I was spent. Then she carefully led me upstairs and put me to sleep on Edward's soft leather sofa. She sang to me as I slipped away into the darkness. I dreamt of Edward's severed head. He was calling my name over and over again, but his beautiful voice was muffled and distant. But it was proof he still lived, if only on the edge of life. 

Something hard hit my chest and I woke with a start. Jasper Hale was standing in Edward's room and he had just flung a bulletproof vest at me.

"Jasper? What the hell?" I cursed groggily.

"Get up," He commanded, "It's time for your training." He flung a rough looking duffle bag on the ground. It looked heavy. "Clothes are in there. Put the vest on and bring the bag with you. You have 15 minutes." He marched out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

I stumbled off the couch, flinging the vest off me. The Kevlar was really heavy; did he actually expect me to wear this? I unzipped the duffel and gasped. Inside there was an arsenal of guns, knives and what looked like, but I couldn't be sure, a belt of grenades. On top of the small armory were some dark, military-esqe clothing. If Alice picked them out, I knew they'd be an annoyingly perfect fit.

I sat dumbfounded until my fear of Jasper sprung me to action. I grabbed the clothes and ran for the bathroom.

* * *

"You've drank human blood before mine, right?" I asked Edward, as casually as possible. In reality I was dying to find out more about his 'rebellious' days when he left Carlisle. But up to now he wouldn't divulge any information, not a single cryptic hint or clue.

"Bella, love, why do you want to know that stuff? It has little to do with who I am now." He turned the page in his the newspaper, frowning about some article or another. Apparently homicides were up in Portland and the Cullens were suspicious of vampire activity. I didn't see it, but what the hell did I know anyway.

"Chalk it up to morbid curiosity," I smiled and pushed the paper down so I could see his face, "Alice told me you hunted bad guys. You would read their minds and choose to eat them based on how evil they were."

"Well Alice has a big goddamn mouth, you know that?" He bristled and tried to wrest the newspaper from me.

"So it's true? Wow – you're like a superhero or something! Did you take down mafia men and killers and thugs?"

"Murderers, mostly," He sighed, "Some mobsters. But it wasn't like you think, I didn't beat them up and drop them in jail. There was nothing heroic about what I did to those men. And a lot of it happened outside of the States."

"Were they always men," I asked, enthralled.

"No," he said, his voice cold, "not always."

I put my hand on his, "Will you tell me about one of them? Just one. One of the Americans, maybe? You're wrong; it is a part of who you are now. I just want to understand." He shifted his hand so he was holding mine in both of his, "Are you sure you want to hear this?" He looked at me, his eyes almost begging me to stop him. I resolutely nodded my head, "Yes. I want to know everything about you, even the ugly stuff."

He shook his head and sighed in a way that said 'I warned you', but he started his story anyway. "It was the fall of 1936 in Chicago. I'd been hunting this man for some time now," Edward said, his gaze focused on faraway things, "Antoine LaRocca. He was scum; without mind reading I knew that. Everyone did. And it wasn't just his business practices. It was common knowledge he enjoyed the company of young girls. But what wasn't common knowledge was the girls never came back after one night with LaRocca. I found this out when I happened across a body one night by the river. She reeked of his sent."

I swallowed a little to audibly. He looked at me, trying to find any excuse to stop. With a small amount of effort I gave him none. "I'm okay," I offered a small smile, "Go on."

"The timing was never right for me to confront him, he stubbornly stuck to public places, always surrounded by his people. So I waited, for weeks I waited, the hunger inside of me growing unpleasantly fast. Finally, one night in late January, he was alone with a woman. I tried to wait for her to leave, but I sensed my opportunity was slipping past. I had to act."

He paused, momentarily forgetting I was in the room. I cleared my throat, "What happened next? Did you kill him?"

"Oh yes." He murmured, "I swooped into his penthouse like a dark avenger and drained him of every last drop of his wicked blood. The woman, to afraid to run, was an unwelcome casualty. You see, I was young then, I couldn't control myself once the feeding began. She didn't deserve her fate. After I calmed my thirst, I found one of his victims tied up in the bathroom. She was unconscious, her face swollen from frequent beatings and tears. Many of her bones were broken. I swept her away to a hospital, but it was too late. She died later that week and she _suffered_ every step of the way. I was there when her little chest heaved its last breath. I could hear her small heart shudder to a stop," Edward stopped, his voice choked off for a moment, "The silence that followed was like the biggest sound I've ever heard." He whispered.

I squeezed his hand reassuringly, "But you saved all the other girls he might have killed. That has to count for something."

Edward shook his head, "But at what cost? You see, what died in that hospital was not that girl. What died was the last shred of my mortal coil. God didn't try to kill that little girl. If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind. From then on I knew. God doesn't make the world this way, we do. We do this shit and then we suffer for it. If that was being human, I didn't want it anymore."

I wrapped my arms around him, trying to comfort his cold, stone body. He had closed his eyes, shutting out the memories. "So you gave yourself over to being a vampire?" I suggested.

"I don't want to be human or vampire. I want to be _more_. I want to be better. I can be, but I'm always stuck between two worlds. Mortal or immortal, I just want it all to stop. I just want peace." He sighed, bowing his head.

I hugged him tighter, "You've done so much more than most of your kind. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, its not healthy. You still have to be of this world, Darling. You still have to participate in life."

He didn't say anything else, declining to agree with my comment. I had to go home after a while and as I drove along the peaceful country road to Forks, I noticed a small disquiet gnawing at me. If Edward didn't want to be human, where did that leave me? Where would he lead us as we traveled down the path of immortality together? I wanted to be strong for Edward, I didn't want to grow old or die. But the Cullens appealed to me _because of their humanity._ They were more compassionate, more generous, more everything than so many of the mortal humans I've met. With a jolt I suddenly realized I _liked_ being human, warts and all. I really, really did.


	11. Part II, Chapter 6

Well this chapter clearly took forever to write. So last we knew Bella was fighting wolves to get some, but not all, of the pieces of Edward back. Jasper acts like a dick and it totally continues in this chapter and Bella has the realization she actually likes being human. Go fig.

Of course all this brain goo belongs to Stephanie Meyer, I'm just having fun.

Cheers,

Dixie Lou

Part II

6

I found Jasper in the living room, next to Edward's piano. The other Cullens were suspiciously absent of the house. I dressed as he'd asked, including the Kevlar vest, which hugged my body in an inflexible embrace. The bag he'd heaved at me was slung awkwardly over my shoulder. "Jasper? Where's Alice and everyone?"

"Gone," he said.

"So it's just us?" I asked, slinging the heavy bag to the floor.

"For now," he said.

Jasper ran his fingers over the silent keyboard, plucking soft notes from the _Düsseldorf_. I felt anger flare, "Don't," I said.

"Don't what?" he asked.

"Don't touch the piano. That's his. That's Edward's."

"Ah," he mused, shutting the shiny black fall, "So you remember his name."

"What're you talking about?" I sputtered, "Of course I remember his name."

"Funny," he said as he knelt toward the bag of weapons on the floor, "With the way you acted yesterday I thought you'd forgotten all about him. Negotiating with wolves. Criticizing our family. Stabbing me in the foot…very questionable behavior." He pulled out a large gun and held it up for inspection.

"Fuck you," I spat.

"Fuck me?" he laughed quietly, "Yes, I suppose so. I should have said something earlier, stopped Edward when I had the chance." He sighed, standing with the gun in hand, "But now he's gone. Chopped to pieces. And you're all I have to bring my brother back. Fuck me. But fuck you too, Human."

"Don't call me that, I have a name." I hissed, "You think I wanted this?"

"No," Jasper pointed his brilliant yellow eyes at me, "But _you_ brought all of this down on my family."

I stepped back, suddenly afraid of being alone with Jasper, "Wait a minute! Where's Carlisle?" I held my hands up defensively.

He chuckled, "I'm not going to hurt you Human. Not intentionally anyway."

"Don't call me that!" I shouted, "What are you talking about?" I cut halfway across the living room by the time I finished my sentence. Not that any amount of space or designer furniture could protect me from Jasper Hale.

"Training," his automatic pistol gave an oily click, "Unfortunately you're my brother's chosen savior. But, I'm sorry for saying; you're green enough to piss grass. You need to be blooded. You need to be made strong." With that he aimed and shot one, two, three bursts from his weapon. I felt the air leave my lungs as the rounds hit my chest. Feathers and glass exploded erratically as the stray bullets tore the Cullen's living room to shreds.

Then everything went black.

* * *

"Mom? I'm home." The house was unusually quiet. No loud salsa music. No blender pulverizing the latest diet trend. No group of tipsy, gossiping book club women in the living room. Something was up.

"Mom?" I wandered back into the dingy greenhouse; maybe she was trying to revive her latest botanical victim. The plants were as quiet as the house and the backyard was empty. "Hello?"

I climbed the stairs, listlessly flipping through the day's mail. Heating bill, water bill, mortgage reminder. "Mom? You up here?" I opened a letter from the phone company, frowning at the plethora of long distance charges. The 5-hour conversations with her new boyfriend Phil were costing us a small fortune. As I passed her bedroom I nonchalantly peeked in and did a double take.

"Mom!" I rushed into the room, the mail forgotten on the floor.

Stuffed into her cramped master bedroom was an outrageously huge, luxurious looking bed. The four grand ebony posters, that ostentatiously touched the celling, were chased with intricately carved roses. White silk hangings draped lavishly around the bed and flowed to the ground in beautiful waves. Sparkling lights dimly illuminated the headboard, which was inlayed with a detailed rose and filigree relief. And in the center of this ridiculous Edwardian display was my snoozing mother.

"Mother!" I stood at the foot of the bed, my arms crossed.

She roused and sleepily said, "You only call me mother when you're mad a me."

"Well what's with the colossal gothic tragedy?"

She smiled and motioned for me to climb aboard. I sighed dramatically and hoisted myself up onto the billowing comforter. As I flopped down next to her I begrudgingly admitted it was a very comfortable gothic tragedy.

My mother smiled smugly, "This is a _waterbed_. Neat, huh? But it's not a normal waterbed because a normal waterbed goes like this," she waved her hand around and made sloshing noises. "Lots of waves. Funny thing is, this one doesn't have any waves."

"Well, why didn't you just buy a normal mattress? That doesn't have waves." I worried at one of the dozen beaded throw pillows, mentally calculating the cost of each.

"But this one _doesn't _have waves."

"Yeah, it's nice mom, but…" I sighed looking over at her, "please tell me it's returnable."

Her smile immediately fell into an abashed look, "I suppose it could be. Too much?"

I laughed, "It's a monstrosity. I mean, how could you ever feel pretty enough to even sleep in this bed? It's like the bedding equivalent of Lady Di."

"Darn," my mother pouted, "I was going for more of a Lady Gaga."

"Not enough spikes," I yawned.

She laughed and gave me a hug, "I'll take it back tomorrow."

"I'm sorry," I started, "It's just we got the mortgage reminder today and the car insurance is going up…"

She put a finger over my lips; silencing the financial checklist, "Don't worry so much Bells. We'll make it work, we always have."

"Yeah…" I said, closing my eyes, "But lets go to IKEA next time you want a new bed."

"Deal," she laughed her warmest, best mother laugh. And I couldn't help but roll my eyes and smile.

* * *

I woke in blackness; at first I wasn't sure I'd woken up at all. There was no discernable difference with my eyes opened or closed – I couldn't see. Somewhere water dripped in a casual tattoo. And it was cold. There was no light, no sound except for the constant drip. I groped around and felt hard, freezing rock. "Hello?" I called, wincing at the sound of my own voice. Gunfire echoed distantly and I jolted around, straining my eyes in the dark. It was a long while before I realized the sound was only in my head. Thick fog was sifting around my memory and I had a nagging feeling I forgot something important. Something with Jasper and how he…_shot me_. Panicked I felt my chest, finding the Kevlar vest still in place. It was badly dented and in some places faintly punctured. I could feel painful bruises blossoming where the bullets had hit. But I was okay. I was alive.

I waited for Jasper to come, for hours I waited, but no one came.

I was alone.

* * *

Bright May sun drifted through the biology lab, highlighting lazy dust motes as they gradually descended to the floor. I sighed as the substitute flipped to the next slide, showing us a surreal skin abnormality caused by untreated syphilis. The class groaned in disgust and I watched Tyler Crowley make exaggerated gagging sounds. This health unit couldn't be over soon enough. But, I had to admit there were unspoken advantages to dating men of the vampiric variety.

My phone buzzed against my thigh and I grinned as text from Edward passed over the screen.

E: Hello, Love. Can I see you tonight?

I smiled coyly as I hid the phone under the table and read Edward's perfectly punctuated text. To my endless amusement he always sent full sentences with flawless grammar, failing to embrace the whole point of texting. My fingers grazed blindly over the keypad.

B: IDK

An abnormal amount of time passed before he responded. Usually his messages came in faster than I could read them.

E: Bella, that's confusing. Will you be home or not and can I come over?

B: Yes LY

E: I'll stop by around eight tonight.

B: K TTYL

I set my phone in my lap and assumed a board expression as the substitute clicked through another puss filled slide. Herpes and it wasn't pretty. Or curable, apparently. My phone buzzed again. That's odd; usually he isn't this talkative.

E: What does IDK, LY and TTYL mean?

I giggled, hiding my face with my hair and hands.

B: I don't know love you talk to you later

E: Fine, if you won't tell me then I'll ask Alice.

Against my will a full laugh-snort came out when I looked at Edward's bemused reply. "Excuse me, Miss, Swan?" The substitute called as she checked the seating chart. "Is there something you'd like to share?" The whole class turned toward me, glad for the momentary reprieve.

"No. No Ms. Morris. I just had to cough is all."

She arched an eyebrow, "Put the phone away, Ms. Swan. Or I'll put it away for you. Permanently."

"Phone?" I asked innocently.

"This slideshow may get many reactions, Ms. Swan. But I've never seen it cause a student to laugh at their crotch."

I felt a blush creep up my checks as the rest of the class snickered. "I'll put it away." I mumbled. "Sorry."

* * *

"Where two winds by hard compulsion blow, and blow answers to blow, and woe lies upon woe." I whispered softly to myself.

"What did you say?" Edward asked, shifting his position on the living room couch so he could look at me. I jumped, almost dropping the book I was reading at the opposite end of the house, by a large bay window.

"You heard that?" I skeptically called back.

"Vampire, remember?" He smiled.

"I was just reading Herodotus for my honors lit class. A phrase stuck out for some reason." I brushed off the sentiment and went back to my book.

"Any reason in particular?" He asked right by my ear.

"Ah!" I jumped again, "Jesus. Effen. Christ. Edward! How many times do I have too –" I cut off when he gently took my book and reread the sentence I had so quietly read aloud.

"It sounds like he's talking about us." He deadpanned as he handed the book back to me.

"Us?" I asked, a little frustrated.

"You. Me. Jacob." Edward's voice grew colder on the last name. "You know," he smiled faintly, "Us."

"Oh," I frowned and reread the sentence again. "I guess that's why it stuck out."

"I guess so," He added thoughtfully, returning to the couch and _Call of Duty_.

_Woe lies upon woe_, I read again. And again. Recited by an oracle of Delphi who predicted how a 60-year war would end in Sparta, the author noted. "Edward?" I called "It says here the prophecy was really a cryptic description of a blacksmith creating a coffin, where the bones of a famous hero were buried. So it's not like us at all, really. No coffins, no bones, and no woe. There's, like, very little woe over here."

"I get it, Bella." He droned in between machine gun bursts. "No woe."

"That's right," I grumbled, "no goddamn woe."

_What consumes what's before and behind it_, the oracle continued, _and will devour anyone who's watching?_ Time, I thought. That's not so hard to figure out, time devours the past and the future and anyone who observes it. Except the Cullens. I skipped to the next chapter, slightly unnerved by the riddle. _Gyges' Triumph, _the chapter read. I skimmed the story, interested by the tragic looking painting at the beginning. _Candaules, King of Lydia, shows his wife to Gyges_, the caption read. I felt bad for the exposed woman in the painting; she looked so vulnerable.

"Edward?" I called.

"Hmm?" he mumbled and then groaned in frustration as a Nazi sniper hit his soldier in the back. "Damn it!" He sighed.

"What do you know about Gyges and the Queen?" I asked. He put his controller down and meandered over to my window perch, "Herodotus still?" He asked as he sat down.

"Mm-hm." I sighed as he made room for me to lean against his chest. He smelled like clean linen and snow.

"King Candaules insisted that he would find some way to prove beyond dispute that his wife was fairest of all women." He started, "So he decides to hide his friend in his royal suite where they sleep. Candaules tells Gyges that the Queen has the same practice every night. She takes off her clothes and puts them on the chair by the door to her room. 'And from where you stand' the King tells Gyges, 'you will be able to gaze upon her at your leisure.'"

"That's terrible!" I gasp, "What a jerk."

"You asked for the story," he smiled. I pouted up at him, "I know."

"So that evening," Edward continued, "it's exactly as the King has told him. She goes to the chair and removes her clothes one by one until she's standing naked in full view of Gyges. And indeed, she is more beautiful than he could have imagined. He instantly falls in love with her. But then the Queen looks up and sees Gyges concealed in the shadows. And although she says nothing, she shudders."

"That's like this painting," I showed him the book, "I hate that the King is just _standing _there, like it's no big deal."

"Then you'll like the ending," Edward intoned, "The next day the Queen sent for Gyges and challenged him. 'Either you must submit to death for gazing on that which you should not…or else kill my husband who has shamed me and become King in his place.''

"What?" I gasped. "What did he do?"

"He kills the King, of course." Edward said, "Then he marries the Queen and becomes ruler of Lydia for all his years. They had many sons and eventually Gyges is killed in battle, protecting his people from equestrian nomads near the Black Sea."

"But what does it mean?" I asked. "Who was right?"

"Well, no one, I guess." He shrugged, "It's a historical anecdote, not a morality tale. I suppose it's about taking what you want in life."

"Candaules sold the Queen's honor," I mused, "And it cost him his throne and his life. I guess it's really about protecting what you cherish most."

"Candaules was a fool," Edward held me closer and whispered, "And I know _exactly_ what I have in you."

But do I? I wondered as he lowered his lips for a cold kiss. I thought of Edward and Jacob and what they would do if I asked the same of either of them.

"Edward?" I invited.

"Mm?" He sighed, pulling away.

"Would you ever….well, like Gyges did– "

"Bella, it's not an exercise in moral relativism. It's just a story."

"I know. But would you kill the king?"

"Yes." He stated, "For you. Yes."

Though his sentiment was intended to be very sweet, I knew he wasn't exaggerating. I felt an anxiety creeping into our moment because although Edward sometimes joked about murder, I also knew he could effortlessly summon death if he wanted to. 'Eyes of a killer', I never really understood what that saying meant until I started hanging around vampires.

* * *

When I opened my eyes next I found my forehead awash in white light. I winced in pain against the blinding brightness. I must have fallen asleep, though I didn't remember doing so. Once my eyes adjusted I realized it was daylight coming down from a large hole above. I must have ended up here during the night, a whole day lost. But where was I? How did I get here?

When I moved, every inch of me ached like a sickness had taken over. My bones felt brittle, my chest was painfully bruised. Slowly I staggered into a standing position. A sudden sharpness in my breath told me one of my ribs was most likely broken.

Taking advantage of the light, I carefully explored the space around me. It looked like a cave, rock surrounded me on all sides and the floor was made of dirt. But a cave where? Was I still in Washington? I couldn't see an exit, just jagged rock walls with a large hole for a roof. I must have come from the hole, but how? Was I dropped in?

The thought was jarring. Would Jasper Hale drop me into a pit?

_Yes, _my mind screamed, _he dropped you here to die!_

Huddling in the pool of sunlight I shuddered against the idea, pushing it down against my bubbling panic. Surely he would come for me. Or one of the other Cullens when they've found out. Maybe even Charlie. Jasper just couldn't leave me here, could he? But Edward was gone and I realized with growing dread his absence could fundamentally change everything. Just like Laurent said a lifetime ago in the meadow: I wasn't being protected anymore.

I waited, shivering as the sun grew faint overhead. **"HELP!**" I screamed, "**SOMEBODY!** Anybody…. help me."

* * *

I heard the doorbell ring and Charlie grumbling as he marched over to see who it was. During playoffs he was a real threat to anyone who interrupted his evening ritual. After a moment of muffled conversation I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Big footsteps.

Jacob popped his head into my room without knocking, "You up?"

I rustled in the bed and covered my head with the comforter, "No."

He marched over and wrestled the blanket out of my hands, "You can't be sleeping yet – it's like 5:30. Why haven't you called me back?"

"I'm sorry?" I shrugged.

"Are you going to stay in bed forever?" He admonished.

"Yep."

He rolled his eyes, "Move over." And he sat on the bed with me. "I'm officially worried. What's going on?"

"I almost got hit by a van today."

"Oh shit! I'm so sorry, are you okay?"

When I looked at him he corrected himself, "Right. Stupid question. I'm sorry." He rested his hand on my knee, "I'm glad you're not road kill though."

"Thanks, but don't be sorry. I could have called you back. I know I've been kind of M.I.A., I suck. _I'm_ sorry. It's not the van – it's kindofthisguyatschool…." I mumbled really quickly, realizing too late how uncomfortable it would be to talk to Jake about other boys. To my surprise he laughed.

"It's not funny," I moped indignantly.

"I'm sorry. It's just – " he paused, trying to tone down his expression, "I never thought you'd hide under the covers because of some guy. Especially for some guy in Forks."

"Shut it. You know what would make me feel better? Besides laughing at me, that is," I sighed.

"Nope." He grinned.

"Distract me." I pouted.

"Just remember you asked for it!" He smiled and jumped out of the bed with me in tow. "When life gets tough there's always the junkyard."

"What?" I gulped, "At this time of night?"

"Yeah, I need a new muffler for the Rabbit." Jake shrugged, "Don't worry, there's only guard dogs after 5."

"Dogs?" I whined.

"And I have the carpet pieces so we can jump over the fence."

"Why would we need…?"

"The barbed wire – duh." He rolled his eyes. "And the electricity," he added.

"Oh good." I muttered.

"You have your tetanus shots right?" Jacob asked as we slid out the door with a 'Bye Dad,' and 'See ya, Charlie.' "Never mind," he added, completely oblivious to my incredulity, "I have some gloves you can use. Just ignore whatever gunk they're covered in. I think it's just oil, buy hey, you never know."

* * *

The next day started much like the first, but I was _thirsty._ My throat was almost swollen shut. And the inevitable prenatal pain had started, lancing from my abdomen to my screaming brain. I curled into a ball on the ground, whimpering pitifully until the agony subsided. Carlisle said the baby would take whatever nourishment it could get. If I didn't feed it, it would feed off of me until I died. Then it would eat through my corpse and be trapped in this pit until it starved. My baby.

I rolled onto my back and let the early morning light wash over me. The hole was so far up, impossibly far. My eyes searched over the rock walls looking for something to latch onto, something to lay my hope upon. On the third pass I noticed a significant vertical crack zigzagging down the rock face. It split almost to the mouth of the pit, stopping short at about 5 feet. On closer inspection I realized I could just squeeze my body into the gap at the base and though it wasn't a straight shot, there was enough room to awkwardly shimmy upwards. But the top was so high up and I've never been the best at climbing. Or walking.

I passed a hand over my stomach, feeling for something like an answer. _Stay and die_, my mind whispered, _or try and die. It's the same, the very same._

And I knew I had to try.

* * *

A simple dinner with the family. "They should meet," Edward reasoned.

"No way." I crossed my arms, "It's too dangerous."

"Isn't that my line?" He crooned, twisting his fingers through mine.

"He'll know. He'll see you all in one room and he'll know," I warned.

"He'll suspect – but he won't know. He'll know what we tell him. The rest is just circumstantial." He shot me a very glamorous smile.

"Right," I sighed, "circumstantial bullshit."

But in the end I gave in and invited my dad, the police chief of Forks, to dine with a coven of vampires. Worse ideas have existed at some point, I'm sure.

Naturally, the Cullens were all very charming. They ate human food, though I suspected they were hiding their pre-digested, upchucked meals somewhere around the house. And they bought his favorite beer, which helped enormously. Charlie actually laughed at Emmett's jokes and he enthusiastically agreed with Carlisle about the need for a free clinic in Forks. He was befuddled around Rosalie and simply adored Alice. Esme won his heart after he saw how she showered me with affection and Jasper kept a polite distance. All in all the night was completely casual and brutally stressful in equal measures.

"Dad, I'm glad you came." I sat down next to him as the rest of the family bustled around the kitchen and house, clearing dishes and excusing themselves with various, human, reasons.

"Then why do you look so stressed?" He leaned back in his chair and said, "Don't think I don't see it."

"I'm not, I'm just tired. It's been a busy month." I smiled, trying to arrange my face into what felt like a less tense expression.

"Yes, you've made a lot of new friends." He did not smile back.

"Don't make fun, Dad. I know you don't approve."

Charlie didn't disagree, but leaned further back in his chair and cleared his throat in a way that's both an answer and nothing at all. "Is this what you want?" He asked.

"What? Why are you asking me this now?" I rolled my eyes and tried my best to play the aloof teenager. But it was a fair question, because lately all my wants had been replaced by one: Edward Cullen.

"Because you're changing," Charlie frowned, "Unlike your mother, you always seemed grounded. And I thought you were very single minded in your dreams and that would help you through college and whatever came after. But now I see you about to skip the struggle and go right to the end."

"It's not the end, it's the beginning." I said, trying to keep my voice even. Why did he decide to talk about this in the midst of perfect vampiric hearing?

"This house, this wealth that's being handed to you. This is what I'm worried about." He pointed at me, a beer can in hand, "And it's not that someone else deserves it. That's not it at all. It's because it's too much for a girl your age."

"Don't belittle me because I'm dating a Cullen." I blurted, unsure of how many non-people were hearing this conversation. "And really, Dad, it's time to stop treating me like a kid. I'm old enough to know what I want."

"Usually when teenagers complain about being treated like a kid it's because they're being asked to act like an adult." He frowned and dismissed the sentiment with a shrug, "I just hate the idea that you've given up. Don't let your love for this boy stop you from doing what you want to do in life."

"Not tonight, Dad. I don't want to talk about this now."

"Alright, Bells. Not tonight." He nodded and then abruptly gave Esme the thumbs up when she produced a pineapple upside-down cake. Edward came back from the kitchen on Esme's heels; his shirtsleeves rolled up and splashed with dishwater. We shared a look that said, 'Are you ok?', but neither of us had an answer for the other.

* * *

I found the source of the dripping.

A trickle of water was steadily leaking down a dark corner of the cave. The rock around the small spring was covered in a spongy moss and I could suckle nourishment from the slimy green scales by pressing my lips against the mineral wall. The water was sweet on my tongue and as I drank the earthy liquid the day old fire in my throat was slowly snuffed out.

My aches, except for the constant one in my abdomen, were receding by the hour. It was hard to tell if the bloodstone was accelerating my healing or if I was simply becoming numb to the pain. As I walked around the cave, giving my wounds a cursory examination, I noticed a pile of old, dry bones lying beside the spring. An animal, possibly a deer, must have fallen through the hole some time ago. Its skull was caved in and the ribcage was partially shattered. The bone's grim _memento mori_ reminded me I had to get out of this pit or I had to hurry up and die.

While I still had light, I searched the rocks for a cutting tool, testing each candidate and flinging the inadequate stones aside. When I finally found a razor sharp chunk of flint I quickly ripped the Kevlar off my chest and began to systematically render the vest into long strips. Though the material was bulletproof, I discovered it could be pulled apart along the weave if the seams were torn. The work was slow and I took the time to make sure each frayed ribbon was even and strong. Then I cut apart my long-sleeved over shirt, then my pants. I squatted, nearly naked except for some underwear, a t-shirt and my boots, working each strip of cloth into a thin, tight braid. Despite the freezing cold of the cave, I was drenched in sweat.

One shot, one chance. By midday the tools I made were crude, but effective. A strong, blunted stone that fit easily in my palm to serve as a simple hammer. A clutch of sharpened rocks and bones, coarsely shaped into stakes. A long, thin rope made of tightly braded Kevlar and fabric. The metal in the Kevlar proved very useful for reinforcing the rope, though it would cut my bare skin as I climbed.

But it was something. I had to try.

That afternoon it started to rain. The sunlight dimmed to dreary gray and fat drops of water fell from the hole above me. As I sat crouched in the shadows trying to capture the falling water with my hands, a pair of black squirrels appeared, quickly darting in and out of the fading light. When they wandered across my path they were as surprised to see me as I them. Without thought I struck fast and true, spearing their fattened bodies on the end of a sharpened stick. The meat was slimy and had an abhorrent stench but I ate everything passible as food and I sucked out as much of the blood as I could stomach. I sighed with relief as I felt my baby's restlessness melt away inside of me.

Afterwards, as I stuck my hands into the rain to wash away the filth, I vaguely wondered if I had initiated that violent act or if the baby drove me to kill for the blood. I couldn't imagine old Bella killing and eating an animal raw, but then again I couldn't picture her in this situation in the first place.

As a last, desperate act, I cut and shaped my boots into a rudimentary hook. But it really looked more like a mangled lump of hardened leather and torn rubber. This left me barefoot, but I figured it would make me more surefooted during the climb. Like it was that easy to will away my clumsiness.

Trouble was, by my guess, I had to climb to the top of the rock chimney before I could launch my horribly crafted claw out of the cave. Then it might take three or a million tries to get it to wrap around one of the encompassing saplings before I could use it to climb free. Assuming I wouldn't fall and break my neck first. Rock climbing with handmade tools, good way to get myself killed. Good way to die.

I readied myself at the crevasse, coiling the rope around me and slinging the stakes on my hip with a wedge of ripped fabric. "Edward," I prayed, "hold on, all you have to do is hold on a little longer. You're alive, I know you're alive. And Jacob…." My mouth tightened into a hard line, "_I'm coming for you._"

* * *

**J-Dawg04:** _Why won't you call me back?_

I stared at the IM blinking on my computer screen. After a long pause I responded:

**HellsBells98:** _We've talked about this. A lot._

**J-Dawg04:** _But that was before the Bloodsucker came back. You didn't even tell me you were back – I had to hear it from my Dad : ( _

**HellsBells98:** _You gave me an ultimatum before I left. Nothing's changed._

**J-Dawg04:** _For you. It's not that easy for me to ignore how I feel._

**HellsBells98:** _Over IM. Really Jake?_

**J-Dawg04:** _So meet me._

**HellsBells98:** _Can't._

**J-Dawg04:** _I get it. You have to ask him permission first, right? _

**HellsBells98:** _Not fair._

**J-Dawg04:** _Sorry._

**HellsBells98:** _Fine. Where?_

**J-Dawg04:** _Tilicum Park? 20 minutes?_

**HellsBells98:** _K_

The night was crisp and cool as I stepped out the door. I zipped my sweatshirt and threw up the hood. Tilicum was a 15 minute walk from my Dad's house so I decided to skip the truck and hike the most direct path through the forest. As I walked down the worn hiking trail a chill wind picked up and made the trees whispered restlessly. I could hear a thousand branches creaking irritably in the sudden breeze. Occasionally an odd bird sang a pretty song and I could see the twilight bats squeaking softly as they took flight for the evening. The crickets hadn't come out yet and the katydid's relentless summer song was just starting to fade.

It was a pleasant night for a walk, but more importantly all these normal sounds let me know Edward was nowhere close. Nature always stilled when he appeared, instinctively knowing a dangerous predator was near. I was loath to use this knowledge, especially since a werewolf gave it to me. But freedom, it seemed, particularly the freedom to go where I pleased, had a price these days.

I found Jake near the baseball diamond, leaning against the risers. I saw, with more than a little melancholy, that he had ridden his motorcycle.

"Well," I frowned, "You wanted to talk. So let's talk."

"Nice to see you too," He smiled, leaning in close, "What? No kiss?"

"I can't, that's done with." I backed away half a step.

"You know, I wait for you every night to come knocking on the garage like you used to." He took half a step forward and made to grab my hand. I artfully tucked it into my hoodie pocket, "I never asked you to wait for me, Jake."

"You didn't have to ask. I knew after our first night together…"

"Don't be so childish," I scowled, "that night was a mistake."

"Don't call me a child," he tensed, "And you're forgetting about all the other times too."

"I was out of my mind then. I won't be coming for you anymore." I made to back away but he grabbed my arm. "Jake," I looked at his desperation and sighed, deciding to soften my tone, "I think about you sometimes. And yes, I still care. But I'll cut off my hand before I reach for you again. It's better for both of us to believe we never touched at all."

"But we did," he closed the gap between us and scooped me into an eager kiss. At first I thought to fight, but the warmth and sickening relief in my gut made me kiss him back. It was a good and honest kiss, but it only took a second for the regret to register. I pulled away with a sob and made to leave. "Hey, it's okay…" Jacob soothed.

"No! It's not okay!" I shouted, "I just cried into your mouth. I…I have to go." I shook off his hands and the tears, I noted, stopped the moment we broke contact. Jacob went to hold me again and I shouted, "Jacob! No!" while shoving him away, but he wouldn't let go. In our struggle I ended up falling against the risers and he was on his knees in front of me, still clutching my hands, "Bella you have to forget about Edward!" He pleaded.

"No," I slipped my hands out of his and back into my hoodie pockets, "he wants me back."

Jacob frowned and got up off the ground, "Oh and I suppose he'll just set aside all those perfect vampire bitches to date a teenage human? He wanted to _leave_ you and I'm only asking that you let me _love _you."

I grimaced, "You don't get to speak about Edward. You don't know anything about anything Jacob Black." I got up and started to walk away, but something made me pause. The night, it didn't sound right. It was too quiet. "It's laughable," Jacob snarled, "how easily you crawl back after he dropped you on your ass. He's a cold, shallow, heartless monster and still you run to him!" Jacob began shouting, oblivious to the stillness around us.

"Shut up – just shut up for once!" I snapped, "I'm not yours. I was never yours, Jacob. Why don't you just go and find a girl who won't hurt you?" I stumbled and began to walk away quickly, hoping he wouldn't follow me into the forest. "Because I love you," he said, stopping me in my tracks. I ran back to him and forcefully shoved his chest, "Don't say that!" I shouted.

"It's obvious," he laughed as I hit him again, "I'm completely in love with you." I tried to punch his jaw but hurt my hand in the process. "You're such a wimp," he smiled.

"I am not!" I yelled and hit him again.

"Well then be with me!" He laughed humorlessly as I continued to push at him, "So then you're going to fight me? You can't fight me. You're miniature. You punch like a Raptor."

"Leave. Me. Alone. Jacob!" I shouted, punctuating each word with a shove to his chest. Winded, I turned to leave and quickly put distance between us. "I want the Bella Swan I fell in love with!" Jacob yelled, "The person who taught me everything I know about love. I want my best friend back. You're asking me to forget? _I know you Bella_. Whatever crime you think it is, YOU STILL LOVE ME!"

I started to run, trying to get as far away from the situation as I could. Hopefully no one heard his crazy emotional outburst – but it was so quiet, all of the sudden the whole park went deathly quiet. I slowed to a walk and concentrated on calming my nerves. A painful rushing sound enveloped my ears and it felt like I was going to loose consciousness. The world swayed dangerously. I could hear the faint sound of Jacob's bike starting up and peeling down the park's gravel road. At least he didn't follow me. I continued to walk unsteadily forward, making a point to not look back. Afraid if I did look I would catch a familiar set of golden eyes somewhere in the dark, bearing witness to my guilty escape.

"Well that was a mistake," I grumbled before hiking back down the trail to home.

* * *

I found Edward sitting alone underneath the football bleachers. He had his headphones on full blast and his eyes were closed. I watched him for a second, noting how tense his expression was, though the rest of him looked perfectly at ease.

He skipped Bio today, and I held my breath the entire class waiting for him to walk through the door.

It had been five days since he started talking to me, four weeks since we first met. I felt a horrible pressure building that made me edgy whenever he was near. Today I decided something had to give. I couldn't continue going to school and doing homework and pretending to live in the stupid town of Forks unless something happened right now. Ducking under the bleachers I crouched down to where he was hiding and completely uninvited, I kissed him on the lips.

His eyes shot open and at first I thought he would pull away, he even gripped my arms like he was going to. But then he pulled me closer and deepened the kiss. His skin was cold. After a minute or two he pushed me away – though the gesture was not unkind. I darted to the other side of the bleachers, utterly shocked by my own actions. Did that really just happen? "I'm sorry," I exclaimed, "I didn't plan that."

Edward pulled his headphones out and I could hear Bach softly escaping the earbuds, "I'm sorry too." He sounded confused and frustrated, which sparked my annoyance. What was he frustrated about? I was the one being held at arms length. "No," I crossed my arms and planted my feet, "You know what? I'm not sorry. I don't take it back. That was awesome."

He really looked surprised now, "I thought we were just going to be friends?" Edward ran his long fingers through his hair, "Don't do this," he sighed.

"_Friends!_" I cried, throwing my arms up in frustration. I turned to leave and then turned again and pointed at him, "I can't handle it. I can't keep my feelings all bottled up like you. Can you honestly tell me that you feel _nothing_ for me?!"

"Yeah…I have….feelings for you, Bella." He turned his music off and avoided eye contact. I wasn't about to let it go with his partially garbled confession. I had no idea what his 'feelings' felt like but mine were tearing me apart. "Then what's wrong?!" I shouted so he would look at me again, "Why can't we even try?" Edward grimaced and gruffly got to his feet. After a tense moment he tried to shove his way past me but I grabbed his arm, "I've watched you, you know? At school and the mall and at stupid parties. How - how can you just …_stand there_ and – and…_smile _at people and pretend like your life hasn't _capsized_?" My hand was shaking as bad as my voice so I dropped it. To my surprise he stayed.

"I don't know," he said in a flat voice.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I asked, not bothering to keep the anger and irritation out of my tone.

Edward turned on me, his face crumpled in annoyance, "Do you think you're the only one that feels? Is that what you think? Do you really want to know why?!" he spat.

"Yes!" I cried.

"I don't trust myself with you."

I paused. My anger deflated as suddenly as it had appeared. I expected him to say he didn't care about me or I wasn't cool enough or pretty. I expected him to write me off and make me feel like I was an insignificant part of his day. I never thought I was actually _affecting_ him in any meaningful way. But before I had a chance to respond he shut the conversation down, "Look, whatever universe you've constructed that allows the two of us to be together, forget it. This," He gestured between us and coldly emphasized each word, "Can. Never. Happen."

I struggled to catch my breath.

"Leave me alone. Leave my family alone. Don't sit next to me. Don't talk to me. And don't come find me when I don't want to be found!" In the distance the bell rang, punctuating the finality of his words. He stalked off, not bothering to stick around for my reaction.

I couldn't breathe. I waited, frozen, for my breath to return, for the tears to start. But cruel fingers were slowly closing around my throat, choking the air from my lungs. For the rest of lunch I sat huddled under the bleachers, staring at the spot where I actually kissed Edward Cullen. And I swear to God, he kissed me back.

* * *

I screamed as I pulled myself out of the hole, tears streaming down my cheeks. Every inch of my arms and legs were scrapped or cut and bleeding my awful black blood. My hands and arms were numb from the strain of climbing and I had deep bruises on my palms, my knees and the soles of my feet. The rain had turned the ground to soft mud and I slogged my body through it until I was safely away from the pit's edge. As I caught my breath I realized the climb wasn't as impossible as I thought it would be, just difficult and exhausting. But I really did it. I saved myself this time.

A slow clap came from somewhere to my left. I turned my head at the sound, squinting through the steady rainfall. "Bravo," Jasper smirked as he leaned against a tree, "Well done." Had he been there all along? I lurched into a sitting position, ignoring how the world spun around me. "Jasper." I rasped through clenched teeth.

"Very impressive." He said, "Though cutting your boots apart was a bit much, don't you think? The rope would have been more than enough. And eating squirrels! You know I would have fed you eventually."

Without thought I charged the blond vampire, screaming savagely and wielding a splintered bone. He didn't move when I attempted to plunge the crude stake through his heart. He didn't move when I started clawing and kicking, slapping and punching him. He just closed his eyes and took it. By the time I was done I was sobbing hard, "You left me," I cried, "I trusted you and you shot me and left me to die!" I collapsed at his feet, too weak to stand.

"I left you to live." Jasper said.

"But why?" I cried. He crouched down and roughly grabbed my chin, "Much and more will be asked of you, Human, before we see Edward safe at home again." I jerked my head away from his grip and spit in his face.

At first I thought he was going to hit me. He even cocked his arm back like he was going to. But he took a handful of dirt instead and shoved it down my throat. Jasper capped my mouth with an iron hand and held me tight as I gagged. "_This_ is what the rest of your life will taste like if you fail." He said. "Do you understand Human?" When I didn't respond he let go and I fell to the ground spitting up mud and vitriol, "Don't call me that," I gasped, "_I have a name_."

* * *

"You were there that night? When he…when I got lost in the forest?"

"Yeah. I sat with you for a while – rubbed your feet, remember?" When I vaguely shrugged Jacob shook his head, "What about it?" He shifted uncomfortably and messed around in his tool kit.

"Well why did you come? Why did the tribe get involved at all?" I handed him the socket wrench he was rummaging for.

"Short of the long?" he sighed and started tightening a loose bolt, "Billy knew about the Cullens. He knew about you and…well, they expected to find you gored or ripped to shreds or something. Anyway, they thought they'd find something more than you curled up and sad on the ground."

I scoffed, "Sorry to be such a disappointment." The old car seat creaked horribly as I got up to leave. From his crouched position all Jake could grab was my ankle, "Hey, let go!" I shook my foot.

"Don't be angry," he smiled, "you asked."

"You don't have to be mean." I kicked again and he released his grip.

"I know. I'm sorry." He started pulling the headlamp off his bike.

"Why did I have to be injured? Why was that detail so important." I leaned against the garage doorframe and crossed my arms defensively.

"The treaty…." He mumbled.

"The what?" I crumpled my brow and tried to remember. Edward had mentioned something similar, something about why his family couldn't go to La Push. But the details were vague.

"It's nothing – just a stupid contract between us and the Cullens. No boarder crossing, no inviting extra Vampers into Forks and no killing people."

"So you were hoping that they killed me? Why?"

He stood and waved a screwdriver at me, "Okay. First of all I wasn't hoping anything. You scared the hell out of all of us that night, disappearing like that. Your Dad…well lets just say it's a good thing Sam found you. And second," he threw the flathead into his toolkit and began rummaging around again, "the treaty is the glue that holds this whole shitty mess together. We barely tolerate them as it is."

"Why? I thought that was all old school. Why are you holding onto something that happened before you were even born?"

"Because of who they _are_ – that would be obvious to anyone but you, Bells." He sighed, "And anyway if they bit you, the treaty would be broken and we could finally exterminate Forks' Leech population." Jake shrugged matter-of-factly.

"Whoa, wait. No you couldn't," I stomped over to where he was crouched and put my hands on my hips, "If Edward did decide to bite me, which he didn't, it would have had nothing to do with killing me. I'm not just _anyone_. Or I guess I used to be someone to them." I mumbled the last part, surprised at how much my abandonment still hurt. "What we were going through was personal, Jake. It didn't have anything to do with a stupid contract your grandfather made. And I wouldn't have been technically dead," I contemptuously pointed out.

"Minor details. A kill's a kill. End of story." He stood up and examined his bike, making sure all the pieces were back in place. "Wanna go for a ride?" He grinned and started to push the motorcycle outside.

I grabbed the handlebars, "There's something you're not telling me."

Jake looked vaguely uncomfortable, "What more could there be? It's pretty straightforward, Bella."

"No, there's a piece missing. It doesn't feel right. It feels like when…when he…Edward I mean," I choked on his name but made myself say the rest, "when he used to not lie to me, but also not tell me the whole story. He'd leave out the bits that he decided were too upsetting. It was infuriating, Jake. And demeaning. I never thought you'd do it to me too."

He looked stricken and a little guilty, "I want to be honest. I want to be that person for you."

"But you can't." I said colorlessly, "You _want_ to be that person, but you can't." I heaved a sigh and tried to keep my voice neutral, "You want to tell me the truth. But you can't. And I want to keep being patient. _But I can't_." I paused and took a moment to calm down, "I'm sorry," I grabbed my coat and keys, "I have to go."

"Bella, come on. Don't be like that." Jake put his bike against the wall and hurried out after me. "It's not my fault I can't tell the truth."

My truck door opened with a loud creak, "I've heard that one before." I spat.

"That's not fair," Jacob moaned, "You're not even trying to understand what it's like on my end."

"What's it like, Jake? Huh?! I'm literally dying over here to know what all the supernatural men in my life have to go through to be with little human me." Jake opened his mouth to protest but I cut him off, "But you know what? I'm sick of having other people decide what I can and can't know. And that's the goddamn truth." I wrenched my door shut and jolted the ancient Ford to life. Jacob was saying something, but I couldn't hear him over the engine roar. When I shook my head 'No' he threw up his hands and marched back toward the garage.

Score one for Bella, it seemed. But also one more friendly lie to loose sleep over. I growled in frustration and began the lonely drive back into town. I managed to get halfway home before pulling over to the side of the road. Drawing out my phone I pressed send on the last number dialed.

"Hey," a familiar voice answered.

"I'm sorry," I blurted.

"S'okay," Jake verbally shrugged, "Not our first fight."

"So what aren't you suppose to tell me?" I asked, chancing another row.

"They can't make more Bloodsuckers. Ever." His voice was defeated, but cold.

"Oh," I said, "I guess I should have saw that coming….what about outside of Forks?"

"Doesn't work like that. The whole point is to wipe out the race, not just protect the town."

"Oh," I said, "So that's why you didn't want to tell me."

"Yeah," He sighed, "but it doesn't matter now, anyway. Does it?" I felt Jake pressuring me to accept what is, not what was. I swallowed hard. Even after the Cullens disappeared, I still viciously hoped the future I wanted would come to be, in the end.

"No," I rasped, "none of this matters anymore. Night Jake."

"Night," he said, and, "you forgot your backpack. I tried to tell you…"

"Damn it," I said, "then see you in 15 minutes, I guess." And hanging up the phone I realized I probably wouldn't leave Jacob's house for a second time tonight. Hoping I wouldn't regret what was about to happen too much in the morning, I sighed and turned the truck around, slowing making my way back through the dark.

* * *

I sullenly followed Jasper out of the woods. We weren't very far from the Cullen's property, about a twenty-minute walk by human standards. Even so, by the time we arrived I was a shivering, snot gushing mess. Spending so much time in the cave, most of it half clothed, left me feeling frozen to the core. "Clean yourself up." He ordered when we reached the front door. I trudged up the stairs to Edward's bedroom and noticed once again the house was suspiciously empty. Fine, great, perfect. At least the only Cullen to see me this messed up was the homicidal blonde one.

By nature the Cullen household never smelled of much. A scented candle, clean laundry, floor wax, but something smelled wonderful when I reached Edward's bedroom. Almost like….bacon and cheese and pure heaven. I flung open the door and discovered a breakfast tray on his couch with a modest white bag, a rose and a coke. I almost cried when I opened the bag and saw a double bacon cheeseburger with fries. I also noticed there was a hospital blood bag tucked discretely under the food.

I looked around, like the bag was going to be ripped from my hands at any moment. When I felt it was safe, I pull out the burger and devoured the son-of-a-bitch. It was much better than squirrel.

After a scalding hot shower, I performed a lie filled phone call to Charlie. Edward has a gross flu. Camping has been extended until he can travel. We're holed up in some backcountry hotel. Carlisle's taking care of everything. Don't worry, I'm fine, everything's fine. I realized I could ask him to come rescue me. Maybe I could tell him how scared I was and actually tell him the truth about what had happened. But I didn't and eventually we said goodbye.

Then, despite feeling horrible for lying so profoundly to my father, I settled into a long nap on Edward's sofa. I dreamt of rock walls and a deep cold. I saw wolves running through the woods and most of all I dreamt of fire. A fire so hot and so frightening it consumed everything it touched until only ash and char remained.

I woke abruptly to loud shouting. It was dark again; I had slept the rest of the day away. I looked around in alarm and realized the voices were just outside my door. I didn't dare move, knowing they'd be aware of my eavesdropping immediately. It sounded like Jasper and….Alice? No, it was definitely Esme and she was as angry as I've ever heard her.

"Three days?! She could have died!"

"Don't get hysterical, I would never let that happen." Jasper thundered, "And what the _hell_ do you think you're doing, Esme? You're going to ruin everything!"

"That girl will not be reduced to eating vermin, Jasper."

I heard a crash against the door, like a body had been shoved against it.

"_I was_."

"You chose your path. You _chose_ this life with us."

"And it has chosen _her__**.**_"

"Jasper Whitlock. I am your mother, your friend and your coven mate. But I am not, however, your slave. _Unhand me_." After a beat I heard her feet connect with the hardwood. "And, so help me," Esme hissed, "don't let me catch you firing a gun in my living room _ever again_!"

Then there was only piercing silence. I couldn't tell if either of them had left the hallway. So it seems the rest of the family didn't abandon me after all, they just left me in the hands of Jasper. I could guess why, but the realization wasn't comforting. I decided to dress and wait on the couch for someone to come get me. But as I waited a cold, watery panic started to freeze in my veins. I tried to ignore everything that had happened and everything I feared to come and I focused very hard on bringing Edward home.

To be continued...


	12. Part II, Chapter 7

_This chapter is huge! Be forewarned. _

_So last time we saw Bella she was eating squirrel guts while clawing her way out of a pit. Thanks in full to Jasper, who was acting like a total bastard. I would like to say Jasper learns his lesson in this chapter, but, you know, that would be boring. And poor young Jacob got a word in about love, which Bella, of course, ignores. This chapter, besides being long, is also the end of Part II. We're briefly going back to EPOV in a wicked fast part III and then the end is sooooo close when we switch back to BPOV for part IV. Yeah, we'll all need some luck getting through that transition. _

_All of this weirdness belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I didn't have the vampy meadow dream that lead to an international literary sensation. That would be crazy, ya'll._

_Cheers,_

_Dixie Lou_

_P.S.  
_

_So sorry about the distracting page breaks. It seems FF allows 3 page breaks maximum in a chapter so I had to get creative. Sigh.  
_

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**Part II, Chapter 7**

"Get up." Jasper ordered.

I stood immediately, ignoring the sweat coursing down my face and the dirt and leaves clinging to my skin. He knocked his foot between mine, spreading my legs, "Your stance is too narrow. It weakens your movements, keeps you off balance." He hit my right shoulder blade, "Follow your punches through with your body. Keep your core tight and lean into your attack. Arm strength alone won't knock a wolf down."

"Like I have any chance of knocking down a wolf," I scoffed.

Jasper cuffed my ear, "When I want your idiotic opinion, _Human_, I'll ask." Lately he has taken to snarling that simple word, putting a bite to it so I can hear his distaste. I rubbed the side of my freshly bleeding head, "Don't call me that. I have a name." He grabbed my wounded ear and I hissed in pain, "I know what your name is, _Human_." He twisted my flesh and shoved me away, "Now fight me."

I reeled into an aggressive stance and forced back the bile in my throat. He was just trying to get a rise out of me, trying to cloud my judgment with rage. But after he threw me into a pit to die I promised myself I wouldn't let Jasper Hale break me. I can't give him the satisfaction. This body is not all that I am. I am more than my fate. He will make me suffer and cry and bleed, but I will endure.

I flew at Jasper, landing a lucky hit to his kidney. The jab almost broke my hand but I relented, reminding myself that hitting a vampire would be like punching a brick wall. He raised his hand to block me and I hit it, and then his cheek, and then his knee and I slammed the heel of my hand into his chest. None of it fazed him. "Do you want to break your wrist?" Jasper asked as he spun around, "Keep your fist parallel to your arm and don't tuck your Goddamn thumb in!" He hit me in the back and then aimed a chop at my neck. I fell to one knee but managed to roll away before he could land a kick. "Good," he grunted, "Again."

Leaping low I tried to drive my shoulder into his legs but hit the ground wanting. Jasper would always be twenty paces ahead of me, though he promised to play it slow. I scrambled upright and he motioned for me to continue with an uninterested flick of his wrist. I attempted to grapple him to the ground but he threw me aside with a single fluid motion, like he was batting away a fly. Growling, I grabbed a handful of mud and savagely flung it into his face. Temporarily blinded by my cheap tactic, Jasper stepped backward into a crop of trees and stumbled over an upturned tree root. I landed on top of him, my boot firmly wedged against his esophagus.

"Better," he grinned, "If I were human you would have me."

"But not if you're a vampire," I sighed, "or a wolf."

"But for a wolf-man," he added as he grabbed my foot, "it just might do." He violently jerked my leg and I spun around bodily, eating dirt when I landed with a thud. My eyes closed as I felt my bones go numb from the jarring impact. Jasper picked himself up and shoved me with the toe of his boot. "Again," he said.

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"I don't have anything to wear to a place like that," I reminded Alice as she perched on the edge of the faded bathroom counter top. A school bell shrieked in the distance, signaling our lunch hour. She smiled and applied another coat of violent pink lipstick, "I'll lend you something – you'll look fabulous."

"I'll have to think up a lie…" I said to evade a direct yes or no answer. Looking in the mirror I frowned at my plain brown hair. What would people at that kind of club think about hair like this? What would they think about the poorly dressed girl in the corner who refuses to dance with anyone? Alice snapped the cap back onto her lipstick, "Just tell your dad you're staying over at my place. It's a perfect lie because you totally can."

Just as I was going to think up another excuse, Jessica Stanley accidentally interrupted our private bathroom conversation. She paused at the girl's room door, looking like she wanted to turn around but didn't know how. Alice looked over at Jessica and then dismissively turned her head back to me, "Just think about it. I gotta go find Jasper." And she gracefully hopped off the counter and practically danced past Jessica out the door.

Jessica rolled her eyes and went to the mirror next to mine. I absentmindedly started to wash my hands but found the soap dispenser empty, "Is there any soap?" I asked Jessica with a happy, inviting tone. She rolled her eyes again and said, "There's never any soap," like she was explaining the fact to an insect.

"Oh," I sighed, "Yeah…so hi?"

Jessica laughed a little and shook her head in disbelief. She turned to leave but then stopped and turned around again to face me. I looked at her expectantly as I dried my hands. She frowned and said, "So I just think you should know what people are saying about you."

"What?" I asked in what I hoped was a confused, rather than annoyed, tone of voice, "What are they saying about me?"

"That – that you think you're so _above_ everyone. And Edward Cullen is like a God to you now and you just do whatever he says. And by the way he's just using you. I just thought you should know." She crossed her arms and glared at me with a full on bitch-stare.

I tossed my paper towel into the trash and pretended to act aloof, "Using me how?"

"Oh please. It's like so known." She scoffed and rolled her eyes again. A few awkward seconds passed as we stared each other down. "Are you saying those things?" I asked.

She laughed, "Well, it's not gossiping if it's true."

"Jessica!" I shouted angrily.

"What?!" She shouted back, "It's not like you care what other people think anyway." The conversation was quickly dissolving into a fight and just as I thought to push my way past her Jessica's snide look suddenly fell away into an expression of genuine hurt. "So, um," she stammered, dropping her eyes. "So tell me what I did Bella. Just tell me, I want to know." She crossed her arms and waited for me to answer.

I reeled from the change in subject. First we were talking about Edward and now she wanted to know what she did to ruin our friendship? I thought it was pretty clear our falling out happened because of my choices. "Nothing!" I sputtered, "It's not because of anything you did…"

"So you just drop your friends like that?" she scoffed and then raised her voice incrementally, "I mean – just tell me what I did!"

"I can't, Jessica! It's not like one thing. It's not like that." I flinched as I heard my terrible explanation echo through the empty bathroom. But how do you say 'Thanks for hanging out with me Jess, but I've found my soul mate so I'll see you around' without sounding like a total dick?

"Okay, great. You're just never going to speak to me again? Real mature, Bella." She grabbed her purse and headed for the exit just as the first bell rang. When she pulled the door open, loud static from the school's hallways burst the quiet bubble we had found ourselves in.

"No," I called after her, "I want to speak to you –"

"No! Forget it. God." She huffed in a chilly tone. Whatever vulnerability she had shown me before had vanished when she opened the door. And I think we both knew she would never address me directly again. It was strange because I didn't even know she cared. Maybe she wasn't used to being rejected and it probably hurt her pride, but she was right to confront me. I _was_ being a terrible friend. But I was struggling to find a balance between the Cullen's dark secret and my normal human life. Edward lived in an all or nothing world, though he tried his best not too, and I found myself being slowly dragged inside. The scary thing was, I _liked_being inside his world. But I had a feeling Jessica Stanley wouldn't be the last person in my life to protest my total willingness to fade away.

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Jasper made me build a fire, saying I needed the warmth. "You won't be sleeping on leather couches when you're with me. Best get used to building fires while we're out here."

I dourly went about gathering wood and setting camp, which involved unrolling the one comfort he begrudgingly granted me: a sleeping bag. When I finally got a semblance of a fire going he sat with me, staring into the flames, while I ate. Esme had packed a modest fare of camping friendly food and for that small grace I was thankful. After training all day with Jasper every inch of me was left sore or bruised and in some places I was still bleeding. I took a little satisfaction in the rehabilitated vampire's anxiety around my blood, but it was a small comfort compared to how weary I felt.

"We're running out of time," Jasper intoned as I drained another hospital blood bag, "Edward's child grows by the hour."

I touched my stomach, which was taunt and slightly swollen. "How much longer do I need to train?"

"A lifetime," he laughed, "You're nowhere near ready to face the wolves, Human."

"God! Why do you keep calling me that? I have a name, you know?" I frowned, tossing the empty blood bag into the fire. It sizzled on the embers and melted into a grotesque lump. He looked relieved when flames consumed the plastic entirely. "We don't have a lifetime," I sighed, "Jacob won't wait forever."

"No, but he'll keep for a few more days. Be patient. Though this little expedition might waste what's left of your short life."

"That's not fair Jasper. I can do this, I'll hold on as long as I have to," I scooted into my sleeping bag and propped my head up on one elbow. The fire was going good now, sending up angry orange tongues to lick the starry night sky. Its warmth was comforting, but the flickering light was playing tricks with the darkness. Shadows were closing in, haunting our campsite with bitter shades of those dead and missing. "I won't die before I see Edward returned to his home, with his family," I shivered, "I made a vow in that pit."

"Did you now?" He smiled, "I feel better already."

"Suck it, Jasper. I'll do whatever it takes, including spending time with you."

"Awe, it's not all bad now, is it?" He stretched out his long legs and leaned back on an old log. "I let you have that cozy sleeping bag didn't I?"

I fumed, "And I'm not so sure this impromptu camping trip is about my 'training' either. I'm positive you're trying to punish me, for whatever reason. I mean, throwing me into a pit? Really? Who does that?"

"Well this is just hilarious. Am I being too hard on the little Human?" He leveled his laughing yellow eyes on me.

"Don't - ," I started but he cut me off.

"Call you that because you have a name. I know your name Isabella," Jasper spit into the fire and it flared dangerously with the addition of his venom. I flinched back from the sudden heat. "But you're still Bella the human. Bella the weak_._ And the sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be."

"_I don't want to be this way, Jasper_!" I shouted, "I try to be strong, I try every goddamn day! But sometimes…" I trailed off, unwilling to admit the obvious.

"Sometimes trying isn't enough," he finished my thought.

"Yeah," I sighed, "at the end of the day, trying doesn't _make_ me any stronger. But I won't give up. I never will as long as I'm breathing. That has to count for something, in the end."

The vampire looked at me, his expression blank. I frowned, frustrated because after all the time we had just spent together, I still couldn't guess what he was thinking. "Dum spiro, spero," he mumbled thoughtfully to himself. "And in the end," he asked, "when you don't need to breathe anymore?"

"I'll finally be strong," I nodded with certainty, "It'll finally be enough."

"You're wrong," Jasper said softly, "You'll never feel so weak." It was hard to mistake the bitterness in his voice. He avoided looking at me though I stared openly at him, thoughts of my fateful birthday party playing like a horror show in my head. "I don't spend a lot of time with regret," he explained, "It's a wasted emotion. But whatever you think of me, I'm not strong because of what I am. That's likely what you don't want to hear, but it is the truth." I processed what he was really trying to tell me. It's what Edward told me before he ran away; it's what Jacob hates most about the Cullens. It's what they all think I'm incapable of achieving. Problem was, I just don't see things their way. Before I could argue my point Jasper said, "Carlisle saw it, though."

"What did Carlisle see?" I asked as I shook my head, banishing the bad memories.

"The demon," he explained, "he saw the demon that makes me weak."

"What demon?" I asked, genuinely intrigued.

"All vampires have it. It lives in here," he tapped on his stillborn chest, "And in here," he tapped a finger to his temple. "It feeds on your soul. It cuts, kills, rapes. It feeds on your weakness, your fears. It's why most of us aren't like Carlisle, why most all of us are monsters. The demon is punishment for living outside of life."

"If that's what you think," I blurted, "then why do you act like vampires are so fucking superior? I don't want to rape. I don't want to kill. But you still treat me like _I'm_ the inferior species. All of you act so righteous but you just do whatever you want, regardless of whose life it screws up."

For a long time he didn't answer and the question hung heavy between us. "Whatever," I grunted and rolled over to sleep, "just wake me up when you want me to – "

"_Because it's all I know_," Jasper growled. I rolled over and looked at him through the fire. He was facing away from me, looking out toward the forest like he saw something far away. The campsite shadows flickered and for a moment I knew he saw the ghosts too. "It's the only life I can remember with clarity," he said as he started to worry at a piece of firewood, cracking off large splinters with his hands and absentmindedly pinching them into dust. "I didn't choose to be this way. But you…" He shook his head and gave a small, sardonic laugh.

"Just say it," I muttered.

"I just don't get it," he frowned, "your _thing_ with both of them. What could you possibly gain from getting involved with Edward or that wolf trash? Why don't you want to be normal?"

I paused, unsettled by the shift in our conversation. Why should I justify any of my decisions to Jasper Hale? But, as he patiently sat waiting for an answer, I realized he was giving me an opportunity. Creatures like him rarely take the time to listen to people like me. And if I was being honest, it was difficult to get Edward to really listen like Jasper was right now. "I know. I know it doesn't make sense," I started, "but in the beginning, after I moved to Forks, there was something about being with Edward that just felt…safe. One day I was totally fine with being normal and then the next day I looked at him, like _really_ looked at him, and for some reason I could see past the secrecy, that armor he wears all the damn time. And I just fell inside."

"Safe?!" Jasper scoffed, "Bella, we're _vampires._"

"I know," I shrugged, "believe me. Just saying it out loud sounds totally crazy. You want to eat me. I get that. But subconsciously it was like I knew Edward would always love me. Like he would never…" I hesitated, feeling more than a little uncomfortable having a heart to heart with this particular vampire.

"What?" he prodded.

"Die," I said, "like he would never die." A blush crept up my neck as I realized how juvenile it sounded to want undying love. He looked at me, his expression blank, "Die like the rest of you people do?" he asked.

I nodded my head in a silent 'yes'.

Jasper's amusement suddenly returned and he laughed, "And the Dog?"

The way he asked made me uncomfortable. What was so funny about Jacob? Again I struggled to explain my relationship with the young werewolf, "Jacob just sort of, I guess, snuck up of me." I paused, searching for the right words "I honestly don't know what it is between us. No matter how far I try to push him away, how cruel I am, in the end I can't abandon him."

"Once you fall in love with someone I don't know –" Jasper paused, measuring me up to some unknown standard, "I don't know if you can actually –" he shook his head and looked down. "Look, just because Edward can't die, it doesn't mean he'll love you forever. Immortality and love are two separate things. You're overlooking what we actually are; our immortality is completely secondary. Edward is a killer, it's his true nature."

"He kills only _because_ it's his nature," I argued, "He never liked it."

"Ha. Is that what he told you?" Jasper laughed again but quickly sobered, "He lied. For us, killing is the sweetest thing there is." I shivered, shaking my head against his words and Jasper sighed in resignation, "Look, living forever means you'll be alone most of the time. We love, sure. But it rarely lasts as long as our infinite existence. Forever is a long time, Bella. And we can fall out of love; we can't fall out of being a killer. So, wait, are you telling me you ditched the wolf because you're afraid he'll die someday? That's pretty heartless, Bella."

I balked, "That's really none of your business."

He held up his hands in surrender, "Hey I get it. I mean, in all my years as a monster I learned one fact: mortals die. They die _All_. _The. Time_. And we rarely do," he threw the log he had mangled into the fire and stood, "But right now you could use a little immortality. No matter what I do to prepare you," He made his hand into a gun and pointed it at me, "Bang. You're dead. It's inevitable."

"That's bullshit," I huffed, "I'm capable of saving Edward _and _having this baby. My mortality doesn't define me, Jasper."

He snorted, "Being mortal is your only truth. It's the one thing humans hate about themselves but it's the only thing that gives their life any meaning."

"Well maybe I'll make a new truth," I grumbled.

Jasper's smile vanished, "You think this is a joke? That's my brother out there and every moment I spend training you is time away from my family who needs me. Look, Edward is Carlisle's first progeny; he's our primogeniture. Our coven is _fundamentally_ broken without him. I don't expect you to understand what any of that means. I don't expect you to care about how this traumatic mess is affecting anyone else. But I do need you to be different from the rest of the humans. I want you for _one second _to show me you're capable of being more than a scrawny useless mortal. _I want you to be a killer._ Because then I'll know we'll see Edward home again."

An unpleasant silence closed around our campsite and as we sat saying nothing I began to understand. I was being sent into battle instead of Jasper; mortal me, with all my weaknesses and flaws. This pathetic tryst in the forest was the best he could do to help and we both knew it wasn't enough, that _I_ wasn't enough. "You asked me why I threw you into that pit?" Jasper catechized. I sternly nodded, acting as if the reason couldn't hurt me more than he already had. The vampire looked me over with a surprising amount of concern, "Like most humans, something vital is asleep inside of you Bella…I needed to wake you." I paused, unsure of what to say. For the first time all night I didn't have an argument. When he saw I wasn't going to respond Jasper turned on his heel to leave, "Weapons training tomorrow," he mumbled over his shoulder, "We begin at sunrise." And I watched him shift swiftly into the outlying darkness, leaving me alone with the fire and my thoughts. I knew he'd be guarding over me tonight, but it was annoying that he refused to be near me as I slept. Apparently being in each others company wasn't in the job description.

I hunched back down into my sleeping bag and stared up at the sky. The evening clouds had parted to reveal a black night swollen with glittery stars. In the past I found the night's unchanging beauty to be soothing, but this evening the universe seemed to be looking back with cold eyes. The beauty I loved was indifferent to my suffering. Disconcerted, I continued to stare inquiringly into space, seeking answers and finding none. After a time the firelight faded and with it the encroaching memories haunting the fringes of my campsite. I rolled over to sleep, comforted by the knowledge that they don't know me. Jasper Hale and Jacob Black don't know what I'm capable of. But I'll show them; I'll surprise them all.

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The drive home from school was quiet. After I climbed into Edward's spotless sliver Volvo, I declined his offer plug in some music. Lately everything on my iPod seemed boring and I didn't have it in me to listen to another one of his experimental indie mixes. So we sat in companionable silence as he drove, the drone of the car engine providing our background static.

My 18th birthday was looming and I knew Alice had something planned, though as usual nobody was telling me anything. But the super secret celebration wasn't the reason why Edward and I couldn't find much to say today. Over the past week I observed him recoiling inside himself, trying to puzzle out some great cosmic riddle. He was never one to gush about what was on his mind, but lately he was becoming even more renitent than usual. Before I met Edward I had never known someone who could say so much by being silent.

These observations would have been more upsetting if I wasn't distracted by a miniature spiritual crisis of my own. In a few short days I would be older on paper than my boyfriend. This strange fact bothered me to no end, though I couldn't begin to articulate why. There were no social rules for how I should react to our situation. And though the people in our lives weren't short of opinions on the matter, at the end of the day all I had to go on was how I felt. Being older than Edward's human age just felt wrong. It highlighted my mortality and that's the worst feature to emphasize when you're in love with an immortal.

As he pulled into my father's driveway I asked him what was wrong, not really expecting much. Edward sighed and ran his hands along the steering wheel, "I don't know, I'm just…" he started, but failed to finish his thought.

"Worried?" I offered.

Another sigh, "Well, yeah I guess." He shrugged and nodded.

"About what?" I offered again, prodding him gently along.

"I guess about our future." Another shrug and very little in the way of explaining what he was talking about.

"What about it?" I asked with a touch of exasperation.

"I don't know. I guess I want it to be…." He trailed off again and this time it was my turn to sigh, "To be what?" I prompted, trying to pull a cohesive sentence out of his mouth.

"Different," Edward stated, unaware of my annoyance. "Bella I like you," he said abruptly, changing the subject. I blushed a little as he stared at me, "I like you _so much_," he laughed a little and ran his hands through his hair, "Can you believe that?" I nodded, feeling a little tipsy from his gaze. "Do you?" He asked as he leaned closer. My heart started race, "Yes," I said, not knowing exactly what he wanted from me.

"Do you want to hear something crazy?" He asked, again seeming to change the subject out of nowhere. I managed a polite nod of interest, thought I was still reeling from his close proximity. "I know it's pointless but…" he hesitated and then said, "I dream about the day Charlie will put his arm around me like a son, just like he does to Jacob Black." I looked at him sadly. Charlie never really approved of Edward and somehow we both knew he never would. My father loved the Blacks and I sensed, though he never said it himself, that he would prefer me to be with Jacob. I reached out and took Edward's hand, "He just doesn't know you like I do. You're a better person than I am. Charlie will see that eventually, he just needs time."

"I'm not a person," Edward moped.

I squeezed his hand, "You are the best _person_ I know. The rest is secondary."

He shook his head in disbelief, "I've never known anybody like you. Here I am, with _what_ I am, and you don't care. You're not scared of anything, I mean –"

"Me?!" I sputtered, startling him a little. "I'm scared of everything!" I dropped his hand and crossed my arms defensively, "I'm scared of what I saw last summer. I'm scared of what our relationship will do to my life. God, I'm even terrified of who I'm becoming. But," I paused, uncertain of how to explain what I felt, "…most of all I'm scared of living my _whole life_ never feeling like how I feel when I'm with you." I finished my thought barely above a whisper, hating my abject cowardice.

Edward turned his eyes to the windshield and put his hands back on the steering wheel, "Bella, you're the first – the first thing in so long that I genuinely like." I stared dumbly at him, confused about his phrasing. The first _thing_? What does that even mean? He opened his car door and said, "You're the first human I can stand to be around. My whole life is such a waste. It's just nothing. I'm sorry," he shook his head, "I'll walk you to the door now."

I stumbled out of the car. I had just poured my soul out and all I got in return was a mumbled confession of…of what exactly? _Tolerance?_My heart sunk like lead as he escorted me to the front porch in silence. He gave me a quick, chaste kiss before leaving without a backward glance. Wondering what I had just admitted to and what he actually reciprocated with, I watched him drive away and noticed the small gap between us growing into a chasm. Flinching, I hugged my center as an odd type of physical pain accompanied my growing apprehension about the next couple of days. My birthday, Edward's aloofness and now this horrible conversation were all somehow connected, but the lines were indistinct and shifting. It felt like if the next words we said to each other weren't perfectly chosen, the future I had dreamed of would quite simply disappear.

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After a post-training shower in Edward's abandoned bathroom, I quickly dressed and padded down the hall. The family was gathered in Carlisle's study to talk about the next step in Jacob's game. I quietly slid through the door in time to catch the tail end of their discussion. "That's irrelevant," Carlisle shot at Alice, cutting off whatever point she was trying to make, "They have my son." The young doctor turned his back to us, looking distantly out a nearby window.

"The wolf boy appears to be less green than we hoped," Jasper said, lounging in a chair off to the side of Carlisle's desk. His cowboy boots were propped irreverently on the desk's expensive leather blotter.

Alice shuddered, "It's juvenile to demand that Bella go to Tennessee alone. They're playing games with both their lives."

"She won't be alone," Jasper sighed impatiently, "I'll travel with the little Human as far as I can without being detected." Alice gave him a worried look and he smiled at her reassuringly. I stared at them, completely nonplussed. I was traveling with Jasper? When had that decision been made?

"Is it true about the police?" Emmett asked Carlisle.

"The police are suspicious," Esme confirmed, "They know too much about the diner incident and charges are being made. Thank our stars it's out of Charlie Swan's jurisdiction; at least the boys had the good sense to go outside the county to fight. But it's still a catastrophe. Maybe we should see for peace with the Quileute while the investigation is underway?"

Impulsively Jasper upended his chair, smashing it at vampire speed against the floorboards, "There's your peace," he spat, pointing at the wreckage, "Jacob saw to that when he sought to remove Edward's head. You'll have an easier time sitting in that chair than making peace with the wolves now." The Cullen's all looked at him with various expressions of distaste and alarm, but Jasper didn't back down.

"The first order of business is ransoming Edward," Alice put in as she placed a steadying hand on her husband's arm. "If we do come under investigation, people will want to know where he is."

"We can't afford to look weak, we should take him back by force." Rosalie spat.

"All this talking is making my throat itch," Emmett growled, "What are we waiting for? Let's just steal him back and raise hell!"

"We can't risk them destroying any part of Edward. First we should return to La Push to negotiate –" Esme soothed.

"THEY HAVE MY SON!" Carlisle bellowed. The room fell silent. He looked around and hissed, "Get out. All of you." The other vampires rose immediately and filed out the study's door. I shuffled for the exit with the rest of them but froze when the doctor said, "Not you." Stiffening I turned to meet his steely gaze. I sat because I thought he wanted me too, but then stood when his expression didn't change.

"Jasper is right about Jacob Black," Carlisle started, "We have no hope of peace." He motioned for me to move closer to him and I came, abet reluctantly. "We could have settled this as men, but now all that's left is madness and stupidity." He frowned and leaned against his desk. For a moment nothing was said and I stood awkwardly by his side. Eventually something shifted in the paternal vampire's face and the deep ridges of anger fell into soft worry lines, "Pacifism has its limits," Carlisle sighed, almost like he was tired. "But what these men are doing, what they plan to do to my family…" his voice trailed off for a second. He was attempting to give himself a moment of composure, but the disquiet only grew on his face. "_To my family_," he growled, "something that's taken me _decades_ to build," Carlisle picked up a framed photo of the Cullens and looked down on their smiling faces, "something I had to fight for every step of the way. And they want to burn it all down." Almost absentmindedly he cracked the frame. I moved to take the photo from him and he reluctantly handed it to me.

As I set the broken picture on his desk he lightly grabbed my arm to turn me toward him, "There is _so much_ hate in this world, Isabella. And now it's found us. Its come to take away everything I care for. Everything I've built. Edward is my son," he made a gesture to rub his eyes, though no tears would ever come, "Why have they done this to my son?" I didn't have any words of comfort for him. I had done this to his son and I was the last person he needed to be with right now. "Carlisle," I gestured toward his office chair, "Why don't you sit?" He nodded numbly and circled the desk to sit. I sat on the windowsill next to him, trying to be a comfort but feeling a failure all the same. "I'm so sorry, Carlisle. Its all my fault," the tears started to run in hot trails as I blurted out my confession, "If I'd done things differently. Handled Jacob differently. If I hadn't gotten so involved with Edward you'd still have your son." I choked back a bitter sob, "Everything's just so messed up right now. I don't know how it all got so out of control." I dashed the tears away with the back of my hand.

When I chanced a glance at the blond vampire I was surprised to see he was smiling kindly at me. I had expected him to yell, to scream and rage and break everything in the room. I expected him to tell me this mess really was my fault and that I was poisoning his family. I didn't expect him to be smiling.

"Isabella," he patted my hand and held out a handkerchief, which I gladly accepted. "Please don't think this happened because of you. Please, for me, do not shoulder this burden alone."

I hiccuped a few times and nodded, though I didn't believe a word of it.

"You know," he sighed, "I haven't always been the man you know. For the longest time after my transformation, I believed I had no purpose. I thought I either had fallen outside of God's plan or He had abandoned me completely. Then there were the times I thought I was damned directly by Him…those were the darkest days." He leaned back in his chair once he saw I was calm and continued his story, "You can't imagine the loneliness I felt knowing I would walk the earth forever without a path. But when I found Edward it was like life was suddenly given back to me. He became my purpose, and I was _so full_…" Carlisle cleared his throat, quelling the lump that had settled there, "He was more than I could have ever asked for. More than I deserved. And then Rosalie came into our lives. I couldn't believe I had a son and a beautiful daughter. Then Esme," He smiled quietly to himself, "My love. My life. And Emmett, Jasper and darling, sweet Alice. She's the glue that holds us all together."

I almost disagreed with him, but decided against it. Carlisle was the reason all of us, including myself, were here. But his selfless nature wouldn't allow him to see that.

"On the day I married Esme, I once again glimpsed God's plan for me. I wasn't abandoned and I wasn't alone. My path was just taking longer to walk than some others. God had pulled me - _through time -_ to save these people, so we could all be together. I know that now. It is my divine destiny. When I accepted the idea that He doesn't make mistakes, I finally understood that I became what I was always meant to become. And now," his brilliant topaz eyes lighted on me, "You're here with us, to complete our family, and I couldn't possibly feel more joy than I do right now. I love you Bella, we all love you and the child growing in you so much. And we will always be by your side, no matter what happens."

The fervor of Carlisle's affection left me speechless. I had cost him his son and he still offered me absolution and unconditional love. "I'm going to Tennessee. I'll bring Edward back to you." I fiercely clutched his hand, trying to show how much I meant it.

"I know you will," he smiled warmly, "You've already brought Edward back to us in so many ways. I have faith you will do what is necessary." Unexpectedly the young doctor gathered me into a cold embrace and murmured, "I believe in you, Isabella Swan. You are beautiful and brave, but you are also the protector of what I cherish most in this world. Bring my son back to me."

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"What's the meaning of life?" Tyler asked as he sat down at our table. The cafeteria hummed around us in its mid-lunch rush and I was in the middle of ignoring the gaping hole in the corner of the room, where the Cullens used to sit and pretend to eat.

"God Tyler," Jessica scoffed, "isn't it a little early for philosophy? I'm like, trying to eat cheese fries over here."

"Page Jessen." Tyler smiled, ignoring Jessica.

"Page Jessen, what?" Mike asked as he tried to toss m&m's into Ben's mouth. Every other one missed and skipped off of my shoulder.

"Ben!" Angela scolded, "We're totally getting hit over here."

"Sorry," Ben turned to Angela and smiled as a rouge m&m bounced off his head.

"Page Jessen is the meaning of life!" Tyler exclaimed, miffed that no one was paying attention to his announcement.

"Doesn't she sit next to you in Calc?" I asked, trying to bring the table's attention to Tyler.

"Yeah," he smiled dopily.

"This wouldn't have anything to do with her getting those ginormous braces off last week and finally learning how to use a pushup bra, would it?" Jessica cattily put in.

"She's, like smart. Like really, really smart." Tyler sighed.

"Well, how are you going to talk to her?" Ben asked, finally paying attention to the conversation, "Mr. Crowley would castrate you if you talked in his class."

Tyler pulled out a folded up piece of paper, "I got her class schedule. After my track practice we'll be in the same building for, like, ten minutes I think. Gonna corner her after she gets out of girl's volleyball."

"Stalk much?" Angela rolled her eyes.

"I'm not stalking her!" Tyler huffed, "This is true love."

"Ugh!" I groaned suddenly, startling the table, "Do you know what love is?" I pointed at Tyler and he gave me a confused shrug, "Love begins by deceiving yourself and ends by deceiving other people. What the world calls romance is really a lie to make us feel better about being alone."

"Wow," Angela's eyebrows were up to her bangs.

"So you're, like, the expert on love now?" Jessica added, none too kindly.

"Don't you want to be in love?" Angela asked, a concerned stitch forming on her brow.

"I've been in love," I shrugged, "It's painful, disappointing and a waste of time."

"Except when it isn't." Angela wistfully argued and gave Ben a dopey grin.

"Love's an illusion," I grumbled.

"It's the only illusion that counts, my friend," Tyler smiled.

"Says who?" I frowned.

"Anyone who's ever been in love," Mike answered this time, winking at me.

It was my turn to roll my eyes, "Love sucks."

"Yeah," Ben said as he popped a soggy cafeteria tater tot into his mouth, "so does your attitude."

"Ha-ha," I laughed sarcastically but smiled and half acknowledged he was probably right. Maybe love was the good type of illusion, one that kept us going at the end of the day. But what about the divorce of love – how does that fit into the constructed fantasy? If you really loved something, wouldn't some of it linger? Apparently when Edward stopped loving something it just ended. That's it. I just wish I could do the same.

I looked again at the empty table across the cafeteria. Life with Edward seemed to be full of things that were wonderful to behold, easy to fall in love with, but a little too fantastic. I realized too late everything I felt for him was fleeting and ultimately, but not surprisingly, out of my reach.

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Charlie and Renee were sitting in the living room having coffee. It was 48 hours after I got back from Italy and I was permanently jailed in my room while they figured out what to do with me. When I arrived home I found Renee had flown out almost immediately after Charlie had told her I went missing. I was impressed that she had not only dropped everything to be here, but had also been staying in Charlie's house while they looked for me. I knew she hated Forks and she was loath to be separated from Phil. And even though she was completely furious with me, I was touched that she had come at all.

I snuck down to the first landing on the stairs to peak in on how they were doing. They had spent the last day alternating between shouting at me and at each other, the yelling perforated only by intense moments of silence. It wasn't the best environment to be in but I took it all without argument. Selfishly it was good to have both my parents under the same roof again. And I was secretly relieved to have my mom around while I tried to figure out what would happen next. I felt shattered and worn thin. My previously catatonic state was still gnawing destructively around the edges of my newly pieced-together awareness. Edward and I didn't talk about his abandonment on the way home. And though I had brought him back to Forks, I still had no idea what his return would ultimately mean.

"She did it to get me to react," I heard Charlie sigh.

"So you don't have to react," Renee blithely pointed out.

"I know," Charlie grumbled and I knew he would have said more but it probably would have started another row. He always opted for saying less if it meant less trouble in the end.

"Don't react," Renee said in a more serious tone.

"I'm not!" Charlie huffed, "It's just…." He let the sentence trail off and I felt my heart constrict; he sounded so tired. "I look at her," he sighed, "and it's like I'm looking at a stranger."

"I know," Renee offered, "she's changed. We all have. Really, what would be the point of life if we didn't _let_ it change us?"

"Mm," Charlie mumbled in agreement.

I could hear Renee gathering the dishes and head into the kitchen. "But you know, we can either change with her," she observed, "or lose her for good."

I crept back up the stairs and into my room. They had no idea how much Edward had changed my life and when he left I discovered I didn't want the life I had before. My escape to Italy was a reaction to everything going back to normal. But I knew I eventually needed to figure out if I should incorporate Charlie and Renee into the future I had planned, or cut them out entirely. It would be safer to leave them behind. But the last week showed me how difficult it was to abandon the people I loved most in this world, even if it was for the best.

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After scrounging up some food in the Cullen's spotless kitchen, I wandered back up to Edward's room. I was still unsettled by my conversation with Carlisle. Though he said he had faith in my ability to retrieve his son, the apprehension in his voice scared me. I would do all that I could, but the terrifying thought of my best not being good enough gnawed at my confidence. Sinking into Edward's reading chair, I absentmindedly sucked on a blood bag while flipping through the last book he was reading. It was a tomb on astrophysics penned by a philosopher instead of a scientist. The charts were beautifully illustrated on vellum paper so you could hold them up to the night sky and know where each constellation was. It was a wonderful book, but I had to close it when I found Edward's elegant handwriting scrawled in the margins. I couldn't bring myself to read what he had wrote, even though the weaker part of me desperately wanted to.

A sudden movement to my left made me freeze. My heart hammered in my throat as I watched the balcony door quietly slide open. It was a gesture I had seen many times before while waiting for Edward to come back to his room. Sometimes he was hunting; sometimes he had just disappeared in the night. But always he returned through his balcony door. Though I knew it was crazy to think that Edward could be home, I held my breath all the same. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I sighed with relief once I recognized the curvy silhouette, "Rosalie? What's up? Why are you standing out there all freaky-like?"

"I just wanted to check in on you," she said, still standing in the doorway with little sign of moving.

"Um, since when do you check on me? I mean, I know things have changed, but I doubt they've changed that much. Are you going to come in or should I…never mind." I extracted myself from the couch and joined her on the balcony.

"You're right," she sighed, "they haven't changed that much. I just wanted to see you before you leave."

"So you won't be going with us then?" I stretched and leaned on the railing, taking in the damp stillness of the forest beyond.

"No, probably not." She smiled.

"Is it because of your, you know, jaw? Or whatever? The scars aren't that noticeable anymore." I felt a chill when she didn't respond and I embarrassedly babbled, "That is, not that I was looking. At your scars. I mean, what scars right? Ha, I said it again. Scars. Um –"

"Shut up, Bella."

"Right." I huffed. "Sorry."

"It's okay, I know they're horrible. Even your frail human eyes can see them."

I winced, "I'm so sorry, Rosalie."

"Don't. It's fine, really." She touched my hand in what would normally be a warm gesture, though her skin was anything but.

"Sure," I scoffed, "you're suddenly okay with your face being torn apart by wolves? Somehow I'm having trouble believing that."

"I don't love it," she admitted, "But for the first time I look….kinda badass." She smiled wide this time, emphasizing the duel scars that cut a jagged line from her ears to her candy-red lips. It looked like someone had given her a Glasgow smile, though the scars were relatively clean and bright sliver.

I nervously laughed, "You got me there."

Her smile faded into a contemplative look, "You know things really have changed?" She gently touched my stomach, "Everything will be so different in such a short time."

I rested my hands on top of hers, "I don't think it's sunk in yet, you know? Besides the gross pregnancy stuff, I kind of shelved the drama bomb until this whole Edward thing is sorted out. I feel like the baby will wait or something, until he's back with us again."

"She won't wait, you know that don't you?"

I grimaced and dropped my hands, turning again to the forest, "I know."

"But that's not why I came up here," she said, "I wanted to apologize."

"Apologize? Rose, I don't know –" She stopped me with a delicate wave of her hand, "No, Bella, let me get this out. I wanted to say I'm sorry for eating your friend."

"Oh?" I squeaked.

"You know?" She said with a touch of exasperation, "the were-bitch? Lela."

"Leah." I corrected softly. I felt terrible for forgetting why Rose's eyes were bright red.

"Leah," she echoed, "Her name was Leah. Leah Clearwater. And I killed her. And drained her."

"Yes," I whispered.

"I'm sorry," she sighed.

"Me too."

A strong silence settled on the night. I shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. I should tell her it was okay, it happens. But it wasn't okay; I doubted it would ever be okay again.

"Why?" I asked but not really wanting to know.

"Why'd I do it?" She sadly smiled and when I thought she wasn't going to answer she said, "Let's say there's a little girl who's taught to fear daylight."

"You _can_ go out during the day. It's a myth." I blurted.

Rosalie gave me a pointed look and continued, ignoring my interruption. "And this little girl, she's taught and she's taught to be afraid without ever being told why." I frowned, not really seeing the connection. Sunlight and little girls had little to do with Leah the werewolf or red vampire eyes. Rosalie took my hand again but didn't look at me. Instead she told the rest of her story to the dark woods, "Then one sunny day she's told it's okay to go outside and play. You can't blame the little girl if she can't do it. You know? We are who we are. Nothing can change that. Leah was my first. Human, that is. Or as close as I'd like to get. I had abstained so long from blood, I couldn't control myself when it was literally pouring all over me."

"I thought you couldn't stand the smell of werewolves." I stammered.

"Normally we can't. But Leah Clearwater was different. In more ways than just her scent." Rosalie gathered me into a cool embrace. It was odd to receive affection from Rose but these days I took my comfort where I could. I laid my head on her flawlessly scarred shoulder, "And now she's dead." I whispered.

"And now she's dead." Rose echoed. "You know Bella? You won't survive the pregnancy."

"I know." I said.

"And Edward might not be here when she arrives."

"How do you know it's a girl?" I asked.

Rosalie smiled a secret smile before her face fell into a pretty pout, "You're expecting to be changed, right after the baby is born."

"Yes." I said.

"But Edward might not be here to save you this time."

"Maybe," I choked, "not this time."

She held me closer, "I can change you, Bella," she whispered, "Let me do it for you and the baby."

"But you said– " I tore from her embrace and looked into her bloody eyes.

"I know what I said," she frowned, "but that was before. Before a wolf ripped my face off and I was sewn back together. That happened to a different person. With my face and now my eyes, I don't know who's staring back at me in the mirror anymore. But I've been thinking that these scars represent something more…." She paused, seeming to search for the right words. "You'll never see Edward again." It was a statement with little room for argument, "You'll never see your child; she won't have a mother _or _a father. I can't accept that. It's too awful, too sad. Especially now, when our family is so close to having new life for the first time. Whatever we are, whatever this life is, it can do one thing for us that nothing else can. Carlisle sees that, it's what drove him to create all of us."

"You know, a month ago when you convinced me to stick around instead of running away, I thought you wanted the baby for yourself. No offense." I chanced a glance at her face, but I didn't find any anger hidden in her beautiful features.

"That's probably true." She sighed, "But as Alice stitched my body back together I realized we only have each other. I have my family to see the rest of this life, or whatever it is, through to the end. And I decided I can't let you abandon us so quickly."

I didn't know what to say except, "Thank you, Rosalie." And, "But I know Edward will be here. He has to be."

She smiled her beautiful mangled smile and looked sad and said nothing more. In the morning I would be driving across the country to face an uncertain future. I had no idea what I needed to do to fix this insane mess and I had no idea where Edward was. "Stay with me tonight, Rosalie. I don't mean to be weird, but…"

"You don't want to be alone."

"No," I sighed. We walked back into Edward's bedroom and I settled onto the couch while she gracefully sat on the floor. "Tell me something, Rose. A memory of your past or a story about you and Emmett. Tell me something that'll remind me the world is still a good place."

"Alright, Bella. Sure." And she talked about the 40's as a human and her fashion fails in the 70's. Her first wedding with Emmett and all the exotic places she's traveled to. She talked until I fell asleep.

The morning came too soon.

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A huge pile of homework loomed on the kitchen table between Edward and I. He was re-writing an old essay from memory and I was slowly slogging through the prerequisite biology packet I should have been chipping away at all summer. Italy and Edward's return had taken up most of my free time and I was left with an impossible amount of work before the school year started up again.

I took a very chewed up pencil from my mouth and asked, "What's a fluid connective tissue of water, solutes, and formed elements whose purpose is to transport substances to and from cells, and helps maintain an internal environment?" He looked up from his laptop with an amused expression. God, this was exactly why I hated studying with him. He already knew all the answers and always found it entertaining when I didn't. "It's blood, Bella." He smiled, the amusement barely contained.

"Oh," I mumbled and scribbled down the answer.

"Are you studying homeostasis?" Edward mildly asked, returning to his essay.

"Yeah," I sighed, "the regulation of internal systems. It's pretty freaking complicated, I'm having trouble keeping all the definitions in order."

"I have a book authored by Claude Bernard," he offered without looking up from his screen, "if you're interested in learning more. I think it's translated from the original French, but I'll have to double check."

"Um," I hedged, "that's cool. Maybe after I finish this packet…"

He nodded, oblivious to my aversion of doing more research than I absolutely had to. _We don't all have perfect vampire brains, Edward_, I grumbled internally. With a sigh I returned to my work, though my concentration didn't last long. "Hey," I said as I closed my biology book, "I was thinking about going to La Push later tonight. Jake's not returning my calls and I figure I should just go out there and apologize before we end up not talking forever."

Edward raised his eyes from the screen and halted his rapid typing for the first time that evening, "I don't think that's a good idea." He said as he saved out his file and closed his laptop with a definitive snap.

"What?" I countered, an edge quickly sneaking into my voice.

"I don't think it's a good idea," he repeated, "at least for right now."

"Edward, you have to give me a reason." I said, trying to keep my request from sounding like a whine. I didn't need to ask his permission, but I also didn't want a fight every time I wanted to hang out with my best friend. Edward folded his hands on the table in a calm, diplomatic fashion, "The reason is I'm asking you. And quite frankly, _he_ doesn't warrant a reason."

I shook my head, taken aback by his thinly veiled chauvinism, "Look," I qualified, "if this is about what happened while you were gone…well, I mean, you were gone! I thought I'd never see you again. You said as much to me right before you evacuated my life. And Jake was nice enough to help me pick up the pieces you left behind. But it's all past now. You don't have to worry –"

Edward cut in, "Whatever was between you two, Bella, I'm prepared to ignore," he scraped his chair against the floor and stood to collect his things. "I don't want to talk about it. We can go on as if nothing happened."

"Nothing _had_ happened until you up and abandoned me," I jabbed.

His hands stopped their collecting and he whispered, "That's unkind. Be careful. Please be careful."

I neglected his warning, "Edward, do you love me?" He scoffed and began to say something but I bulldozed over him, "Because if you do you'll try to understand why I can't just cut Jake out of my life."

"Why are you asking me for this?" He shoved his laptop into his messenger bag so hard the strap broke with an audible rip. Growling in frustration he carelessly tossed the bag back into his chair. "You say nothing happened before I left?" he accused, waving his finger at me, "I can't believe that – how does that even work?"

"There _was _nothing!" I cried defensively, "Nothing except –"

"Except. You see? Nothing except," he crossed his arms and waited for me to explain away whatever evidence he thought he had found.

"A recognition," I finished, using the Quileute term without intending to do so. There really was no better way to describe what had drawn Jacob and I so close together. Jake always said it was fate and though I never agreed with him, I couldn't find an explanation for the indissoluble bond we shared.

"A recognition? What does that even mean?" Edward paced over to the kitchen window and stood with his back to me. It was a dismissive gesture but I wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily. "We recognized a bond," I explained, struggling to verbalize something I didn't fully understand, "Like a super strong connection that could be felt, almost physically."

"Phrasing!" Edward protested.

"Oh grow up, Edward!" I shot back, "I fought whatever was going on between Jake and I because I wanted to be with you. I was in love with _you._" I inched closer and pointedly said, "_but you weren't there."_

"Is it really that easy?" He dejectedly asked. I moved to turn him toward me and he reluctantly complied, "What do you mean?" I asked.

"Is that all it takes?" he muttered, "A recognition? It's a meaningless word, Bella. What you shared with that boy was meaningless. Teenage hormones, nothing more."

I recoiled as outrage swelled inside me. It was ridiculous that I should have to justify any of my decisions when _he_ was the one who abandoned _me_. How dare he call me out on immature behavior when he was acting so childish? "We have to be honest here, Edward." I said as I crossed my arms defensively, "You didn't want me."

"OF COURSE I WANTED YOU!" he suddenly shouted before violently punching his hand into the wall, just missing the fragile windowpane. Plaster dust and wood splinters scattered as if a grenade had detonated in the kitchen. I recoiled on instinct, my eyes wide, and I quickly put the kitchen table between us. He tore his hand from the drywall and turned his wild eyes on me, "But how could I show it when I was certain it would kill you?" he pleaded, burying his tortured face in his hands. He laughed sardonically, "When we first met I felt indebted to you because I didn't know how to return the love you so easily showed me. I never felt like I deserved any of it." He looked up at me and I saw the rage melt from his face, "I was cold when I should have been warm," he whispered, "Please forgive me - I struggled everyday to hold on to the version of myself you had constructed…but in the end it was safer, easier to it let go. Don't you understand? Everything I do is for you. Anything that might be human in me is because of you." His whole body was shaking with emotion, but when I moved to hold him he darted away and yelled, "NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

I stood frozen, fearful of his emotional instability. Edward turned from me and forcefully regained his control with a deep, shuddering breath. My hands instinctively twitched to hold him, but I balled my fists at my side. After a moment he said, "I need to leave. You can do whatever you want tonight, I wont stop you."

"Edward, I'm sorry," I dumbly apologized, completely at a loss for what to say.

"No," He shook his head and gathered up his broken bag, "it's not your fault." And in an instant it was like he was never there at all. I looked out the window, searching for him though I knew he was already long gone. Running my hand along the hole he had painlessly created in the wall, I wondered how I would explain it to Charlie. I briefly thought of letting Edward explain the mess to my father, but with a sigh I took the kitchen clock off the opposite wall and hung it over the hole. It looked odd, but I knew Charlie wouldn't take the time to notice.

_Lies upon lies upon lies_, I thought as I stared at the clock, _But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes, Feed'st thy light'st flame with self-substantial fuel, Making a famine where abundance lies, Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel. _Reminding myself how much Shakespeare I had to catch up on, I wandered back to the abandoned kitchen table and dourly cracked open another book. I wouldn't go to La Push tonight. As 15th century Denmark unfolded before me, I wondered how many more holes had to be created before I actually could see Jacob Black again.

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The next morning Emmett's jeep was fully stocked, for both an arms race and a four-day road trip to Hell. I loaded the last of my camping equipment, checking for the necessities of toilet paper and a few dependable flashlights. Jasper informed me we would be staying off the grid for the entire trip, which meant no showers and only the off chance of a working restroom. I told him if he could stand my human stench, I could handle a little wilderness. Or so I hoped, at least.

The whole family, minus three, were gathered in the Cullen's expansive driveway to see me off. Carlisle and Esme had left on a plane to Volterra early that morning. They hoped to explain our whole mess to the Volturi before Aro had a chance to hear rumors about Edward's disappearance. If the Guard suddenly showed up they would certainty destroy the Quileute. As much as I hated Jacob, I didn't want more innocents to needlessly suffer. Carlisle was also going as a type of birth announcement for my baby. It was a long shot, but Carlisle reasoned that respectfully pronouncing this new vampire revelation would be enough to keep us safe. The rest of us worried that any Volturi involvement would result in more loss and death. But he insisted on going anyway, taking all our hopes and fears with him.

But before Carlisle left, at 5 that morning he invited me into his study for one last word. Though I was barely conscious when he summoned me, the conversation continued to weigh heavily on my thoughts throughout the day:

_Wiping sleep from my eyes, I drearily shuffled into Carlisle's study. As requested I brought Edward's golden chalice. _

"_Thank you for coming so quickly," Carlisle began. I noticed he was impeccably dressed and alert. I sighed and heaved myself onto his office couch, "S'okay," I mumbled, "no problem. Here's this –" I offered the chalice which he gladly accepted._

"_It's been almost 45 years since I gave Edward this bauble," He mused, holding it up to the lamplight. "And 150 years since this was handed down to me. Tell me, Bella," his kind, inquisitive eyes lighted on me, "Do you know what this is?" _

"_A cup?" I guessed, suppressing a yawn with my hand. _

"_Ah – you know better than that, I hope." He smiled._

"_Well it glowed when I touched it – and words made of, I dunno, light I guess, were crawling all over the surface. I couldn't read any of them." I mentally jabbed myself in the brain to get it working again, shaking the sleep cobwebs from behind my eyes. "The light faded after I put the cup back."_

"_Fascinating," Carlisle mused, "I don't remember ever seeing a human touch the chalice so I can't say you personally triggered it. Theoretically it could be responding to the energy of the bloodstone, since it was so recently activated inside of you. Certain energies tend to be attracted to one another." _

_I blushed a little, still embarrassed as to why the bloodstone was used on me. But, I reasoned as I touched my stomach, there's clearly no going back now. Buy the ticket, ride the ride. _

"_Did Edward tell you who gave me this item?" he cautiously asked._

"_The Volturi." I answered with a shudder. _

"_Indeed," he confirmed, "One of the many items they gave me over the centuries, but also one of the few I felt the need to keep. They collect rare…things." Unspoken was the Volturi pastime of collecting rare beings, like Edward, Alice and Jasper. I felt another shiver race up my spine. "The chalice is actually a shield," Carlisle continued, "But not in the typical sense. Nothing involving the corporeal senses can escape the shield: voice, breath, heartbeat, footsteps, odors. Here," he touched the concave center of the cup, "is a reference to psalm 32:7: 'Pray unto Thee in a time when Thou mayest be found; surely the floods of great waters shall not come nigh unto him. Thou art my hiding place; Thou shalt preserve me from trouble.' The chalice is clearly meant to conceal its bearer and the reference to water implies it must be drunk from the cup in order to activate the spell."_

"_Will it help if I'm being attacked?" I asked hopefully. _

_He shook his head, "I don't believe so. There's no reference to physical protection. The writing here," he pointed at the stem of the chalice, "warns of an aftereffect. But it doesn't specify what." _

"_You've never tried it?" I asked._

_Carlisle smiled, "Ah, no. It won't work for any vampire. As far as I can tell items like this were created by humans and intended for human hosts." _

"_Why would a psalm be referenced? By the look of it, I thought the cup would predate Christianity. How old is it anyway?"_

"_About 350 years old, give or take," he answered. _

"_But that's how old you are, Carlisle. Did you know about this cup before the Volturi gave it to you?" I turned the chalice over in my hands and thumbed the intricate writing. _

"_I knew something of it, yes. You see, before it passed to the Volturi it belonged to my human father." He stated simply. _

_I stood speechless, staring at the chalice in my hand. Without really knowing why, but trusting there was a connection, I decided to ask about the thin black rope that was stored with the cup and the knife in Edward's room. "So there's a cup that shields, a knife that wounds immortals….what does the black rope do, Carlisle?"_

"_Ah," he said, "he kept them all in one place, did he?" _

"_Yep." I smiled, my suspicion confirmed. _

"_Fetch it and I'll show you," he did not return my smile as I padded out the door and down the hall to Edward's bedroom. The sun was just cresting on the horizon to reveal a leaden morning. In the early light I found the rope, coiled neatly at the back of Edward's bookshelf. I grabbed it and hurried back to the study, a little disappointed that it looked and felt like ordinary rope. It was tightly bound and neatly crafted from an unidentifiable, coarse material. Pencil thin, it wasn't heavy or remarkable in temperature. The only noticeable feature was that one end was tied like a delicate noose. _

_When I returned, the doctor had set the chalice aside and he beckoned me closer as he rolled up his shirtsleeve to the elbow, "Isabella, you have to stay calm and do precisely what I ask. Can you do that?" I nodded; vaguely unsettled by his instruction that was so like the advice Alice had given me in the forest a month ago. I was beginning to mistrust any vampire that asked me to stay calm. "Gently lay the unbound end on my forearm. Remove it immediately after you see a reaction." I shrugged and readied myself as directed. _

_Gingerly, I touched the rope's end to the pale, exposed flesh of Carlisle's forearm. A hissing sound started almost immediately and his skin began to violently bubble and crack. "Oh my God!" I cried and tore the cord from him, shocked that the damaged flesh came off in strands like warm silly putty. "Carlisle! I'm so sorry…" I went to staunch his wound but he waved me off. To my surprised his face was the picture of calm, "It's alright," he held his arm out for me to see, "Look, it's already healing." And to my disbelief his wound was quickly mending before my eyes. I examined the rope as it was absorbing the melted flesh. Before long it was as black and pristine as ever. _

"_Did it hurt?" I dumbly asked. _

"_Oh yes," he frowned, "Like a river of fire through my veins. Now do you understand?"_

_I nodded, holding the rope up for inspection, "They're weapons," I realized, "weapons to fight vampires." _

"_Indeed," he sternly nodded as he re-buttoned his shirt cuff, "You must take these items with you. The knife, the cup and the rope. Keep them safe, keep them secret. Even from Jasper, if for some reason you must, God forbid, use them against him."_

_I gasped, "You mean you want me to…"_

"_No, Isabella, no. Think of them as precautions, nothing more. His bloodlust is completely mitigated, but there's still a danger if you get extraordinarily injured. Always have them on you, no matter what. When it's time to use them, be ready. Understand?" _

_I nodded._

"_Good," the patriarchal vampire gathered me into a cool embrace, "Be safe. Go with God. I'll see you and Edward soon."_

"You're going to need this," Alice shook me out of my reverie and handed me a large first aid kit with a bottle of painkillers. "Don't worry, you won't get _extraordinarily injured_, as far as I can tell." She pouted and twittered about wolf interference fogging up her vision. But I knew her repetition of Carlisle's words wasn't an accident; she had a vision about my surreptitious arsenal. I held her small, strong hand in mine, "Don't worry, I won't need them." I assured her, hoping the rest of the family assumed I was talking about the first aid supplies. She smiled tightly and I gathered her into a warm embrace, conscious of the choke growing in my throat, "I'll text every time we stop and probably in the in-between times too. Call if you see anything change or – "

"I will," she smiled genuinely this time, "He'll be okay. You'll see."

"I'll try to believe that," I sighed.

"Take this," Rosalie shoved a huge jug of water at me.

"Uh, thanks?" I said as I heaved the jug into the backseat of Emmett's jeep.

"You'll thank me when you're in the middle of nowhere and need to brush your teeth." She frowned. I flung my arms around her blond head and squeezed her as hard as my human arms could, "I'll miss you, Rosalie."

She returned the embrace, "Just take care of yourself and the baby. Please."

Emmett rumbled up and scooped me into a huge bear hug, "You checked the guns?"

"Twice," I gasped.

"Even the Barrett?" He dropped me to the ground with more grace than I thought him capable of.

"Yes, but I doubt I'll use it. I won't be snipering wolves off of the mountainside."

He lifted my chin with his massive finger, "Never doubt what you'll do when the moment arrives, little sister. You do whatever it takes to bring him back."

"I wish you were coming," I said, ignoring how weak my voice sounded.

"And smell your B.O. after four days of camping? Eff that!" He laughed and put his huge arm around my shoulders as we walked to the car, "'Sides, I gotta stay and protect the ladies, in case any dogs feel like collecting more trophies."

"You'll take care of Charlie too?" I opened the jeep door and hoisted myself in.

"Like he's family, " he grinned his huge, shark-toothed smile and shut the door after me.

Jasper was waiting in the car, his eyes hidden behind sleek looking sunglasses. Though the windows were heavily tinted his skin still managed to glitter in the late morning sun. "You ready?" I asked as I buckled my seat belt. The strap lay tightly across my abdomen, which was now showing a noticeable bump under my sweater. Jasper replied by starting the jeep. I rolled my eyes and sighed, this wasn't going to be the most entertaining of trips. "Am I ready?" I mused.

"I saw you picking up the pieces of Edward," Jasper said as he guided the jeep down the Cullen's lengthy drive, "You didn't hesitate. You didn't cry. You acted like it was as normal as holding his hand, but it was his severed finger you had instead."

I felt the bump under my sweater. Not the one down low, but a smaller, colder bump up near my throat. Edward's finger was still wrapped in Seth Clearwater's moleskin pouch, which Jasper had taken before murdering the poor boy. I slept every night with the relic tied securely around my neck.

"You're just a child," Jasper sighed, "But you're still stronger than all of them," he gestured back toward the receding Cullen manse, "because you held that dead finger. And you carried that Clearwater boy like a cross when no one else bothered to volunteer. Bravery is an easy thing when you're invulnerable, a fact most immortals tend to forget. But I could feel what you felt, and you were brave in the face of your own paralyzing fear. I think we all glimpsed your true nature that day. _You're a lioness_. And lions," he smiled over at me, "aren't afraid of wolves." I stared back at him, a loss for words. We pulled out onto the open road, heading south into the unknown, and if Jasper could smell the blush creeping up my cheeks, he was kind enough to not mention it.

End Part II

To be continued...


	13. Part III, Chapter 1

_Hooray for randomly switching POV's! _

_This is the first (and only) chapter in Part 3 of the story. We're briefly switching over to Edward's lovely point of view and we finally get to find out what the wolf pack did with his undead head. We also explore more of Edward's early life, because we can never get enough of that traumatic mess. But don't get too comfortable. We'll be back inside Bella's pretty head for the decidedly longer Part 5. _

_Again, full disclosure, I did not create any of these characters. It's shocking, I know. They belong to Stephanie Meyer, for better or worse. _

_Cheers,_

_Dixie Lou_

_P.S. Sorry again for the distracting page breaks. They're the only way to guarantee the chapters will be uploaded with the proper formatting. Hopefully they help instead of hurt. _

_P.P.S. To anyone who been reading this literary beast from the start, you'll notice I'm not connecting it to a blog or to music anymore. Sincerest apologies. With limited time and a desire to just get the story finished, I've dropped all the extraneous elements. I'm planning on a massive re-edit in the future to fix some huge continuity errors. As I update the completed story I'll re-add all the extra goodies. _

_Ok, on with the show! _

* * *

PART 3

EPOV

1

There was something unnatural about Jacob Black. The way his fever bright eyes darted chaotically around in his skull. The way his posture was always tense and his hands seemed to be perpetually balled into fists at his side. The way his twitchy expressions would alarm those who looked too closely when he talked. He didn't smile often, but when he did it was in quick flashes, his teeth glinting like a knife. And there were many other things knife-like about him that I sensed, but couldn't put a name to. It all added up to a portrait of a young man on the edge. This animal who walked among his brothers, barking orders, was very different from the sunny boy I knew in Forks. Had so much changed in such a short time?

I suspected someone else was pulling the strings, directing Jacob toward an incomprehensible goal. But I had no idea who the puppet master was or what they wanted. I only knew there had to be something more at play than simple jealousy and revenge. Or so I hoped.

I had no idea where they had taken me, but from the look of the forest and the stars I knew we weren't in Washington anymore. By my count we had traveled east for three or four days, though it was impossible to be sure. I was in a black duffle bag for the majority of the trip; the same bag I had been unceremoniously stuffed into the night Jacob had decapitated me. I didn't know if Alice, Rose or Bella survived that night. I frequently asked anyone within earshot about the fate of my family, but the only responses I received were cruel taunts and more threats of violence.

Occasionally someone would take me out and bring me to Jacob. For hours he would interrogate me on the details of my kind. What our weaknesses were, how we made more of us. He asked about other covens and other creatures he had heard of but had never seen. But mostly he just talked about Bella.

For my part I stayed silent. Even when he shouted and threatened to rip out my eyes and tongue, I refused to say a word. Eventually he would grow sick of me and order someone to shove me back into the bag. Only within that piercing darkness did I let my emotions overwhelm me. I spent most of my time sobbing, though I was careful to not make a sound.

I had always believed decapitating a vampire meant they were dead. I thought burning the corpse was a superstitious precaution, more like a ceremony or symbolic act. I was wrong. God, I was so wrong. I didn't know my immortality extended beyond the total loss of one's whole self. In a single jarring moment, Jacob finally made me realize the price of sacrificing my eternal soul. What if they burned the rest of me? Would I feel it? Would I be doomed to live out the rest of eternity as a disembodied head? How could I survive without going completely mad? These insoluble questions occupied my thoughts as everything around me gradually started to dim. The days, Jacob's interrogations and my crying jags all blurred into one long nightmare.

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It had been a month since I stormed out on Carlisle, vowing never to return. Our relationship had been deteriorating from the moment I came out of my newborn psychosis. Though my appointed mentor was eager to answer any question I asked, he did not anticipate his answers would send me into a rage. My parents' death, my death, my rebirth and my strange telepathic ability proved to be too much to process. In the end I decided to run, vainly trying to flee from my unjust fate.

I was holed up in an abandoned house on the outskirts of Chicago. Years ago this area was quarantined after the horrendous fires of 1871. Without the means to rebuild or insure their property, thousands of impoverished people were crowded out of the city. Left behind were tracts of destroyed land for sale at the cheapest possible price. If they didn't sell, the damaged neighborhoods were left to the drifters, the scoundrels, the influenza and the rats.

I was terrified of being around anyone normal. I was terrified of being around other vampires, if they were out there. I barely knew how to hunt and even if I felt comfortable eating an animal raw, I didn't know where to find them except in the crowded stockyards in the meatpacking district. The idea of feeding in midst of all those animals and buildings and people was frightening enough to make starving the best option.

So I found this horrid little neighborhood and decided lay in wait for a better alternative to present itself. And it eventually did, in the form of another wandering soul looking for a place to hide.

"Throw _me_ out of the joint!?" The man slurred, falling over a half erected fence, "Goddamn it!" His mind was a swirl of booze, women, cards and violence. After a moment of half-conscious ranting, the drunk picked himself up and continued to walk toward my hiding place. I froze, every nerve in my body a live wire. I was starving and I could already feel the intoxicating draw of his blood as it pumped relentlessly through his veins.

At first I thought to hide and ran up the half-demolished staircase as he entered through the front door. But as he stumbled around, lazily exploring the rundown house, I felt my body involuntarily turn back toward him. I panicked as I sensed my fragile control ebbing away. In a feeble attempt to restrain myself, I clung to the banister until it cracked under the force of my grip.

"Who's there?" The man shouted, "Show yourself or I'll start shooting!" He moved toward the staircase, armed with a small pistol. I would have laughed at his bravery if the situation weren't already deadly. The man paused when he saw me, not really sure what to make of the pale, creepy looking boy he had found.

"You all alone, boy?" He asked. When I stayed mute and frozen he smiled and holstered his gun, "Not very friendly, are you?"

"Leave now," I growled.

"Heh," he laughed, "You're a little spitfire, ain't ya?" He took the first few steps toward me, "What you hiding up there for?" I flinched as the perfume of his blood invaded my senses. My eyes widened with fear, which the man mistook as fear of him. I watched, paralyzed, as each step he took toward me was another step away from my sanity.

When he reached the top of the stairs I closed my eyes as a deep growl rumbled in my chest. "Say, what gives?" The man asked, suddenly wary.

I lunged, grabbing him by the throat and lifting him off the ground. In the next second his blood was spilling down my throat and then, as quickly as it started, his lifeless corpse was crumpled at the bottom of the stairs. His mind went to static and then faded until I couldn't sense it anymore. He was dead. I remained motionless on the landing, marveling at how good I suddenly felt. Human blood was far more potent than any animal I had ever tasted.

Slowly, I walked down the stairs, a sour expression frozen on my face. I looked over the man's body; it was rough, dirty and abnormally still. I wiped my hands on my slacks, "I killed him," I said to no one in particular, "I….I'm _glad_ I killed him." I paused, suddenly afraid to touch him. I had never touched a dead body before. Then, fighting against my abject cowardice, I hoisted the bloodless corpse over my shoulder. "I can't think about it now," I muttered to myself, "I'll pray on it tomorrow." And I went to bury him in a shallow grave in the backyard. Common sense told me I should burn his body to destroy the evidence. But something compelled me to give the dead stranger a proper burial, if only to battle the godlessness I now felt inside.

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"Alice!" I shouted.

"What?" She asked, suddenly appearing by my side.

"Did you throw away my vest?" I accused, "The gray and black one?" My room was a jumbled mess, clothes covering every possible surface.

"No," she bristled at the accusation, "I don't do that kind of stuff anymore." She looked disapprovingly around at the state of my room and muttered, "Even though it has _four_ totally gross stains on it."

"So what?" I huffed, "It just magically disappeared?"

"I don't know," she shrugged and made her way back downstairs, "Maybe?"

I followed her with a fistful of shirts and sweaters, "Is that just a cute way of saying you took it?"

"No," she scoffed, "read my mind if you don't believe me." Sitting back on the couch she took up her tablet and started to casually scroll through a celebrity gossip blog. I expectantly stood by the couch with an armful of clothes, seething while she pointedly ignored me. "So why don't you just help me find my vest?" I exploded, "I'm late for my date."

"Oh! Edward lost his vest!" Rosalie cried as she walked in from the garage with Emmett on her heels. They were both covered in grease from replacing the clutch on Emmett's jeep. "Everyone just stop what you're doing and help Edward find his precious vest." Rose fixed me with a stare and said in her mind, _No one likes you in that vest anyway. It makes you look like a hobo doorman._

"It does?" I responded dejectedly to her mental comment.

"Back off Rose," Emmett cautioned, "That's his personal man biz. You gotta respect a man's P-biz."

"Em, you sound like an idiot," Rose scolded her husband and then turned back to me, "And if you're bringing that C-list human here, she'll be lucky if she gets a civil word out of me."

"We're all lucky when we get a civil word out of you," Emmett grumbled.

"Hey is she your girlfriend now?" Alice excitedly asked, "Or friendly girl or…" she frowned, "Well, what is she exactly?"

"My Bella – uh," I cleared my throat and embarrassedly said, "I mean her name is Bella. Just use her name." I turned to Rose, "And she's not just 'a human'. She's the only evidence of God I've ever seen on this planet."

"Sure, little Brother," Emmett grinned, "we all knew you were freaky."

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Em." I sighed and heaved my armful of clothes onto the couch next to Alice.

"You know?" He nudged me with one of his massive forearms, "Getting your freak on with a human? AmIright?" Emmett shot mental images of every Playboy pinup he had ever seen. Which was a lot. I shook my head, "I am not going on this date just to 'get some' as you so eloquently put it. It's not like that."

"Hey Jasper!" Emmett suddenly called out the sliding patio door. Jasper poked his head out of a nearby tree where he had been meditating all afternoon, "You've been around a long time, right?!" Emmett yelled louder than was strictly necessary, "Can we bang other people?! Like non-vampires, I mean!"

To my complete mortification Jasper yelled back, "Yes! Absolutely!"

Emmett grinned at me triumphantly and then a second thought struck him. He lumbered back to the patio door and shouted, "Without killing them?!"

"Oh!" Jasper shouted back, "Maybe?!"

I grabbed my brother's imposing shoulder and heaved him back into the house, "Stop being disgusting Emmett. I'm not going to have sex with Bella."

"Why?" He laughed, "It's only the greatest thing in the whole goddamn world! I can't believe you're still not on team Live Badass." He patted me on the back, which caused me to reel forward a few steps. "Are we mocking my virginity now? Is that it?" I asked as I steadied myself on the banister, "It's fine – I'm _comfortable _with my sexual status."

"You'd have to be to say things like, 'sexual status'," Rosalie yawned, "You sound like a doctor."

"I _was_ a doctor for 10 years," I contended, "if you remember, Rose." I began to rummage through my pile of discarded clothes. I pulled out a black sweater and showed it to Alice, who crinkled her nose and shook her head no.

"Yeah and you hang that over my head every chance you get," Rosalie fumed as she pushed her way past Emmett toward their downstairs bedroom, "Jesus Edward, if you bring that up one more time –"

"Who's bringing anything up?!" I shouted after her. I held up a powder blue dress shirt for Alice and she stuck out her tongue. Throwing the shirt back into the pile I continued my argument with Rose, "I was just pointing out that –"

"Oh you never 'just point out' anything!" Rosalie yelled from her bedroom, "I swear to God if you weren't –"

"Girls, girls," Alice chimed in, "You're both pretty. Edward wear this," she smiled knowingly and pulled out a light gray sweater and white dress shirt from the pile in front of her, "it's way better than that smelly old vest."

"And way easier to get laid in," Emmett barked in amusement, "Sometimes I think you want to _stay_ a virgin Ed."

"Yeah," I said as I buttoned up the shirt Alice threw at me, "and team Live Badass is the best you could come up with? You'll have to excuse me for not leaping onto that bandwagon."

"Well Edward, since you took team I Have A Giant Vagina –"

"Shut up!" I shouted through the sweater Alice was pulling over my head.

"Hey! You shut up!" Emmett shot back.

"What time were you supposed to be there?" Alice asked as she straightened out my hair, "It's a quarter till."

"What?!" I cried, "Shit, I'm late." And without another word I zoomed out the door. Then back through the door as Alice tossed me my car keys and wallet. "Thanks!" I called as I raced through the door again, grinning like an idiot about the night I had in front of me. When I was with Bella it felt like the pieces of my life were finally falling into place. For the first time since I reawakened to my new life, it felt like I belonged.

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On the fifth day one of the men, an older one, with streaks of gray running through his jet-black hair, carried me into the mouth of an enormous cave. Once inside, we traveled down a sloping passageway, lit by a handful of dusty gas lanterns. My traveling companions lit new lanterns as we walked and pulled out flashlights. The path took several sharp turns and before long we spilled out into a yawning antechamber. Surrounding us were hundreds of lesser caves spotting the encompassing rock face like honeycomb. Based on the similar tunnel we had entered through, it was clear each catacomb connected to a series of ancient tunnels burrowing deep into the center of a mountain.

The vast, dripping limestone walls expanded up to a pitch-black ceiling. A veritable garden of imposing stalactites reached down to meet with their stalagmite twins, blocking our way. The naturally formed pillars created the illusion of a petrified forest, stubbornly growing in the dark heart of the earth. We had to weave a path around the stone trees, stepping through impressive arches and alien structures. As we moved further into the grand space our lamplight ghosted off the glistening rock formations, creating an aura that danced around us like eerie firelight.

It would have been beautiful, I think, if it wasn't meant to be my prison.

A small offshoot of river water followed us into the cave, carving its way through the ground and spilling over the edge of an indiscernible precipice just beyond the entrance. My handler followed the little river and from somewhere I heard a generator sputter to life. Dim, dirty lights reluctantly flickered on to reveal a long suspension bridge. If I had a body with a working heart, it would have caught in my throat when I saw what the bridge was spanning. As Jacob led our small party closer to the cliff's edge, I could see the water rushing over the brink into a penetrating darkness. Somewhere down below the waterfall joined with another roaring river, but how far down I couldn't tell, even with my vampire eyes. The canyon was vast and deep and the only way across was on that poorly lit wood and rope bridge.

"Do you like your new home, Bloodsucker?" Jacob smiled, all teeth just like a wolf.

"It's like looking into the mouth of Hell." I replied truthfully.

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When I entered the cottage, Carlisle dropped the book he had been reading to the floor. "You're back," he said in astonishment.

"Yes," I snarled, "I had nowhere else to go. But you knew that already."

"I didn't plan on any of this," Carlisle ushered me through the door and checked the porch before shutting us inside. "Edward," he sighed, his voice heavy with remorse, "I'm so sorry."

"What madness made you do this to me?" I asked. It had been a burning question ever since I awakened to this new life. I couldn't imagine a set of circumstances where doing this to someone would be justified.

"The madness of mercy, my Son." Carlisle put his hand to his chest, as if his heart could hurt him.

"There's that word," I hissed, turning away from him, "You never had any _real_ children did you?" I regretted it the moment the words left my lips, but I would take my revenge anyway possible.

"No," he shook his head. "No. Never."

"_I_ _had a family_!" I shouted, "A real father…"

"I know," Carlisle frowned, "He was a good man who didn't deserve his fate." The vampire circled around me, trying to get me to look into his eyes, "I still love you, Edward, though we don't share the same blood. That's why I call you son." For a monster, I noted, he was very good at feigning emotion.

I turned away, "But I left you," I blurted, "I hate you. I don't _belong_ to you."

Carlisle sighed, "That's your business, not mine." He sat back down in his chair, almost like he was tired, "You are what you love, not what loves you back. I decided that a long time ago."

I reeled on Carlisle and slugged him across his jaw. The impact was so significant it blew him out of his chair and sent him flying across the room. He stopped only when he smashed into the kitchen wall. A pipe burst open and started spilling water onto his head. Before the older vampire had a chance to escape, I pounced on him and lifted his body by his shirt collar. Letting out a primal roar, I slammed his head into the wall. Spider web cracks sprouted on the stone flesh of his left temple. My creator hung limp in my hands, his face a mask of passivity, "You can hit me again if you want," he said.

"You used me!" I shouted as I dropped him to the floor. "You made me into a monster so you wouldn't be alone anymore!" I growled and turned his china hutch on its end, unsatisfied by the sounds of shattering porcelain and glass, "Mercy you say? This is not merciful!" I slammed my hands into his dining room table, cracking it in two.

"Will you kill me for it Edward?" Carlisle asked as he gathered himself up off of the floor, "Well do it!" He shoved me in the chest, "Stop mucking about and do it!"

"I…can't," I admitted, again turning away from him.

"It doesn't help, does it?" He asked as he went into the kitchen to cut the water flow to the pipe. I looked around his cottage, suddenly humiliated by my tantrum. Carlisle's austere and orderly living space now resembled a warzone.

"What have you done to me?" I asked as I looked over the damage I had so effortlessly caused, "I look into my heart, the heart _you_ gave me, and see how I must act." I went back to his reading chair, righted it and sat with my face in my hands, "It's so horrible, Carlisle. The things I've done…they felt _right_."

The vampire reemerged from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dishtowel, "I know nothing feels quite like it did before," he said as he took up a chair and sat beside me, "I understand how easy it is to give into the dead feeling inside. Since you turned, you've been forcing back the truth while lashing out at everything around you. And now you've been drowning your fears in blood." I moaned at the mention of the blood I had spilled. He had no idea how many lives were snuffed out by my hand. The regret was so potent I could taste it like a bitter poison on my tongue. The desire to quench that bitter taste was what led me back to Carlisle.

With a knowing look he put his hand on my shoulder, "But you've lost the taste for those petty things, haven't you? You want to believe there's something more. I'm sorry, I _should_ have done more to keep you safe. But your rage was too powerful to contain. Those people who died, that's a dark stain on my soul, not yours."

"I'm the same person," I looked up at him, "I – I'm _trying_ to be the same person as before."

"But you can't be, can you?" He held my hands, his voice suddenly feverish, "There's a void. An emptiness that can only be filled by taking the next step in your journey."

I recoiled, not ready to accept my fate just yet, "The killing, the brutality, the suffering, it has to mean _something_." I looked into his eyes and found no answer hidden within. With despair, I realized all those people were dead for no better reason than to satisfy my own dark desires. I suddenly felt very ill.

"You have to make peace with your past," Carlisle soothed, "It's done. If you hold on, it'll only make the transition more difficult."

"Why should I forget? _How can I?_"

"Because what's left of your mortal coil needs to be adapted into this new you. If it doesn't adapt it'll be lost forever on a sea of guilt and rage."

"I don't want to adapt," I sulked, "I want to be the _same _me. The me that isn't a homicidal monster."

Carlisle thoughtfully steepled his hands in front of him, "Adaptation is a profound process, Edward. It can be painful and slow. But it means you're figuring out how to thrive in the world," he stood and started pacing the room, talking so rapidly it was hard to follow, "For us it's not the strongest that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones who are most responsive to change. Our very survival depends on our ability to remain self-aware, to adjust to new ideas, to remain vigilant in spite of our inner desires and to face the challenge of change with a heart free of malice. You must decide whether you will walk in the light of self-sacrifice or in the darkness of destructive selfishness. But I see for you, the process has already begun. I don't see Edward Masen in front of me now. And I don't see a monster." Carlisle paused, his expression full of pride, "I see an angel blazing with the light of God."

"No!" I dislodged myself from the chair and darted to the other end of the room. I couldn't believe he was bringing religion into this. Doesn't he see we're already damned? Doesn't he know he'll burn for what he did to me? "Don't talk to me about God," I huffed, breathless though my lungs were dead, "We're demons now, cast from His merciful light."

"Edward," Carlisle smiled patiently, "know that God doesn't make mistakes. We're all trapped in our own bodies in this moment in history for a reason. Find some peace in knowing this is your destiny." He got up and approached me carefully, like he was addressing a caged lion, "Tell me, what's the most basic article of faith?"

"I don't know!" I moaned.

"_That this is not all that we are._"

I ceased my heavy breathing and looked at my creator. His arms were open, inviting me to consider the truth he was trying to impart. "Please, Son," the vampire calmly implored, "Just think about that before you run away again. Just try and have some faith."

"This is madness," I whispered, "The world's gone mad."

"No," Carlisle smiled warmly and placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, "The world's the same, my boy. Now there's just more in it."

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What I came to understand is change isn't a choice. It happens and you are different. Change that permeates a vampire's life is slow and irreversible once it takes hold. Unlike humans who change from day-to-day, minute-to-minute, we change year by year. Sometimes it takes a decade or more for any noticeable growth to happen. So instead of having good and bad days, we experience good and bad centuries.

All things considered it's not a very healthy way to live.

I was thinking this while vacuuming the carpet, again. Over the course of thirty minutes I had done the whole house twice. Alice was reading a newspaper in the kitchen as I edged toward the stairs.

She huffed and looked up, her eyes narrowing into dangerous slits, "Why are you vacuuming like a crazy person?!" she shouted over the loud suctioning.

"What?!" I shouted back, "No," I smiled, pretending not to have heard her, "it's all good."

I saw her shake her head and close the evening post. She patiently walked over to me and asked a little too slowly, "Do you want to talk about it?" acting like she was speaking to someone with brain damage.

I laughed and shook my head no; trying to dismiss her comment like it was ridiculous she was even concerned. But my smiled faded as she continued to stare at me with one arched eyebrow. I shut off the vacuum.

"I growled," I confessed.

"What?" she laughed.

"Bella and I were being….together….and I growled." I knew I should be blushing, but of course I couldn't. It was a lot more difficult to act embarrassed these days.

"Like…you were trying to be sexy?" Alice helpfully suggested.

"No!" I scoffed, indignant at the idea that I would growl at Bella while we were being intimate. That just wasn't polite.

"Did she like it?" she asked with a little too much interest.

"She didn't notice. Thank God."

"Oh," she pouted, a confused stitch in her brow, "So what's the problem?"

"I lost control!" I exclaimed. Alice frowned and took the vacuum from my hands before I had the chance to break it in half. "I knew I had no business being with anyone human, especially Bella. And I went ahead and did it anyway."

"Because you like Bella!" Alice admonished, "And she likes you. And you deserve to get kissed every once in a while."

"She doesn't deserve to have me," I gestured at my whole self, "– what I am - _inflicted_ on her. What I am…"

"What you are?" she scowled, "What you are isn't perfect, but it's you. You get to live your life and make mistakes and fall in love." She punched me in the arm and smiled, "Believe it or not, big Brother, sometimes you actually get to be happy."

"Twerp," I smiled and ruffled her hair. She gasped and smacked my hand away crying, "Watch the 'do!" After a second of readjustment she smiled wickedly at me, "So, you made out with Bella, huh?"

"Drop it Alice," I warned as I felt a bloodless blush coming on again.

"How was it?" she grinned.

I huffed and made for the stairs, desperate to escape the conversation.

"That good, huh?" she called after me.

"Shut up Alice!" I hollered back.

"Will you two shut the hell up?!" Emmett yelled from the living room, "The game's in overtime. It's bad enough with the vacuuming; you don't have to go around shouting you got to second base with Bella!"

"Oh, gross!" Rosalie gaged over the sportscaster's play-by-play and then laughed with Emmett.

"Edward kissed Bella?!" Jasper hollered from the upstairs study, "Like on the mouth?!"

"He growled!" Alice squealed and then gracefully ducked the shoe I tried to throw at her head.

"Who's throwing shoes?" Esme asked as she walked in the front door with an armful of shopping bags. My chukka was spinning arrantly in the entryway and she had to step over it to get inside.

"Edward!" a chorus of voices tattled.

"Really, Edward," Esme scolded, "Just because you did a little kissing, it doesn't mean you get to throw your shoes around the house." She paused and asked with surprise, "Who vacuumed?"

"Kissing, huh?" Carlisle smiled and winked as he followed Esme into the house, "That sounds promising."

Scowling, I mentally cursed supernatural hearing for making my life miserable. I stalked up to my bedroom with one sock and one shoe, ignoring the peals of delighted laughter that followed me up the stairway. Slamming my bedroom door, I flopped onto my couch and buried my head under the nearest pillow. Though, in spite of my total annoyance, I had to smile at the memory of her soft skin feathering over my lips. "An experiment," I told her, "just to see what happens." But what had happened? What have we done?

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My handler walked me across the long suspension bridge and back into one of the catacombs. A large alcove had been retrofitted with a chain-link fence and gate. We entered through the gate and I was placed on a natural rock pedestal. Without a word the man left the way he came, taking the light with him.

I sat in silence, listening to my surroundings. The cell was damp and unnaturally dark, though not unoccupied. Random skittering and shuffling told me a colony of insects and rodents made this their home. I wasn't worried about the occasional rat, but I would lament my missing arms when a rodent decided to crawl over my face. I sighed, trying to decide if I should laugh or cry at the hopelessness of my situation.

I didn't have to wait long before I heard a familiar voice echoing through the tunnels. Jacob's light proceeded him and as he stuck his head into my cell I had to fight every instinct to keep from screaming. As I looked at the wolf-boy I was amazed how his betrayal had such a strong grip on my mind. It felt like a python, squeezing out all other emotion except for my rage. I could sense it, a singular pressure right behind my eyes. It felt like it was going to burst and when it did I would start screaming and never stop.

"There you are," Jacob cheerfully greeted me by shining his light right in my eyes, "Look at you. You look good. Well, except for loosing 130 pounds from the neck down."

"Why have you brought me here?" I growled.

"I thought maybe we could have a drink. Want some?" he gestured toward me with a bottle of whiskey. With disbelief I realized he was drunk.

"I drink blood," I hissed.

"God don't I know it!" he laughed and took a swig from the bottle. "Listen, I want to talk to you. Maybe we can sort this whole mess out before it gets really ugly. Well, ugly-er. Look, things between me and Bella just get so crazy. After you left I step into her life and boom! We're lying in my bed talking about moving in together, marriage, you know, the total package. And less than a month later, right after she runs away to Europe, we're screaming at each other. But we were always, always, always like that. Even as kids. Anyway, I just, I wanted to assure you…"

"Don't lie to me Jacob," I cut him short, "There's no point. Not now."

"Oh," he gave a self-satisfied smile as he shot me mental images of Bella in his bed, "she didn't tell you about the sex, did she? Jeez. Well I come here to try to bury the hatchet and…Look. Don't worry. Seriously. Because you have all the proof you need that she loves _you_. That little bundle of proof that's literally killing her as we speak, if you know what I mean. You know, we talked about having our own kids? She wanted to name a girl after Renee." He took another swig of whiskey and then sat cross-legged on the ground before me. "Hm. So a vampire/human hybrid, huh? What do you call that vampire Gestapo again?" Jacob gestured toward me like he was asking an old friend, "You know? That evil, faceless organization that makes innocent monsters disappear in the night?"

"The Volturi," I ground through my teeth.

"Right!" He snapped his fingers, "The Volturi. If they knew, they'd probably want to meet the kid."

Bristling, I hissed, "I don't like threats."

"That wasn't a threat, Edward." Jacob titched.

"Look," I sighed, "I don't know why she picked me, Jacob. Sometimes love must not be enough because she _loved_ you."

"Yes," he frowned, "Well it was a kick in the teeth, Eddy. But what can I do? If I make her choose between you and me I know the best I could do is rip her in half."

"Don't," I warned.

"I won't," he threw up his hands in resignation, "You win. The woman loves you. In fact, I'd say there isn't much she loves more."

"The Volturi don't take prisoners," I warned him, "When dead men come hunting for us in the night, will you think your pain is more important than the lives of others? Will you think your game so amusing then? Are you even thinking about Bella's part in all this? Or do you just want her to live in a bloodbath for the rest of her life?"

"Don't talk to me about Bella's best interests," Jacob spat and stumbled angrily to his feet, "You're the one who killed her. You didn't shoot her or stab her," he grabbed the edges of my platform and snarled in my face, "You _broke_ her. I remember praying every day for you to come home so she could come back to life again. But on the day I found her floating lifeless in the ocean I remember praying that you were _dead_." He walked away from me, shuffling of into the dark. After a moment I could hear the unmistakable sound of urine splashing against the ground. I scoffed in distaste, instinctually holding my breath against the stench.

"You believe in the gods don't you?" Jacob asked from his dark corner.

"Why should I tell you?" I grumbled.

"Come on," he sneered as he staggered back toward me, "I just want to see if I got it right." Jacob sat on the ground again and offered me the bottle, grinning ironically when I didn't say anything. "So," he said, his words slightly slurring, "you pray to the All Father and Jesus Christ and all that, right? See our faiths are similar, but I look to many gods, not one."

"I don't give a damn what you believe."

Jacob barked out a laugh and said, "To know the face of a god is to know madness," like he was repeating someone else's words. "When my brothers transform they become godlike, the manifestation of our tribal deity. Through our transformations we can see the universe. We can see the patterns. It's all there. I see it and you don't." He smiled and took another swig of a quickly emptying bottle.

Knowing I shouldn't play into his game, but annoyed by his hubris, I asked, "What's the most basic article of faith, Jacob?"

"I'm sure I don't know," he sneered.

"_That we are more than we perceive._ I know this and you don't. I know we are more than this body, this fate. I fought to be who I am today. There's nothing you can do or say that'll change that. Whatever you do to me won't change my soul. That's the difference between us."

I saw in his mind's eye what he was going to do before it happened, though the warning did me little good. I gave a garbled shout of protest as the whiskey bottle came down on my head. It shattered on impact, drenching me in an acrid smelling liquid. "Did that hurt?" Jacob asked, puffing like he was winded.

"No," I said.

"Vampires don't feel pain," he spat, "See a smart vampire in your situation would try and act hurt. Play on my sympathies. But I don't think you're so smart."

"Maybe it really does hurt," I smiled politely, "and you won't ever know."

Jacob patted my head, "Here's your dilemma: pretend to act like a human and you'll feel better about yourself. But," he gave my nose a tweak and smiled when I growled, "having to pretend still makes you a monster, not a person." He bent over to retrieve his flashlight and shined it at me, his grin falling away into a scowl, "See, human beings can't turn off their pain. Human beings have to suffer and cry and scream and endure." Jacob gestured to himself, his voice quickly filling with wrath, "Because we have no choice. You pretend to understand, but it's all an act, a lie. _That's _the difference between you and me."

"I knew this about you," I muttered, "You're everything I thought you would be, Jacob. No matter what Bella said."

"Maybe that's true," he frowned, "But at least you'll know deep down that I beat you. That a human being beat you and you're no better than us. You're worse. You're just a shell of that pathetic boy who died a century ago."

"And you're not human," I snarled.

"Careful, Edward," Jacob scolded, "or I might really loose my temper." He made his way across the cave toward the chain-link fence, "Now, I'm sure our girl is on her way as we speak. It's only a matter of time." Stepping through the doorway he slammed and locked the gate behind him. "Let me know if you need anything to make your stay more comfortable," he laughed as he walked back through the stone labyrinth, "I'll see you around, _old friend_."

And with his departure I was thrust back into lonely darkness. But, I reasoned, at least it was a _quiet_ lonely darkness. At this point I'd take the rats' company over another pointless conversation with Jacob.

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"Edward, do you have to keep playing the same obstreperous song all afternoon? Give it a rest for an hour, hmm?" Tanya flipped pointedly to the next page of her fashion magazine. She was lounging, catlike, on the chaise closest to the piano.

"I'm not playing the same "obstreperous" song," I huffed, annoyed by her interruption, "I'm composing it. I've been at it for four days now. It's Hell."

"So then quit," she sighed flippantly, "What's the point?"

"The point?" I stiffened, my jaw clenching, "The point is to bring a little grace and beauty to an otherwise ugly and brutal existence. You really should try it sometime," I sneered, "it's great for the constitution."

"Oh really?" She tittered and shook her head. As she flipped to the next page, Tanya did her best to feign indifference, "Is that what you were doing when you became a vampire? Did your music stop even one ounce of venom?"

"Pretty cynical point of view," I grumbled as I went back to plucking notes from the piano, "something happened to you Tanya that can't be fixed in this lifetime."

"Yeah," she coolly agreed, "I wonder _what_ it could be. I have an observation for you: You want to be the next Debussy? You better learn how to play that thing first." Her magazine snapped smartly as it was tossed to the floor. "And don't you dare break my piano with your lumbering newborn fingers," she scolded as she rose from the couch, "It's an antique."

"Everything in this house is an antique," I mumbled.

"Edward!" Carlisle suddenly chimed in from across the sitting room, "Apologize to Tanya at once."

"No, it's okay Carlisle," Tanya smiled sweetly, "I was leaving anyway." She gathered up her coat, hat and gloves, though she didn't need any of them to combat the chilly Denali air. "I'll be hunting. Feel free to join me if you want to take a break from babysitting," she laughed as she walked out the door.

Carlisle sighed and folded up his newspaper. "Well," he said as he strolled over to the piano, "what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Am I really that bad of a composer, Carlisle?" I asked gloomily.

"Ah," he smiled, "Struck a nerve did she? Well, better get use to that," he patted me amiably on the back, "Tanya isn't exactly thrilled that I brought another vampire into the world." He sighed and sat next to me on the piano bench, trailing his fingers over the keyboard in a graceful melody, "Son, the fact that you're touching the keys instead of pulverizing them is a miracle all itself."

"Yeah," I moped, "but what about my _writing_? Is it possible to create anything meaningful in the face of who we are?"

"Of course," Carlisle reassured me, "Your potential is quite literally limitless." He started to lightly play the first of Debussy's _Deux Arabesques_. His thoughts told me he selected this particular composition because Debussy was barely older than my human age when he wrote it. Carlisle could be so deviously clever when he wanted to be. "Just stay focused as to _why_ you want to create in the first place," he added, "Hold onto that feeling. It's the only thing that can save you from yourself."

I relaxed incrementally, reassured by my creator's wise words. Watching with rapt attention I followed Carlisle's lead, filling in the low notes with a hesitant Secondo. He smiled indulgently as we played a spontaneous duet, filling Tanya's seclude house with beautiful music.

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"Bella, come on! We need to leave now!" My hands were shaking with urgency as I grabbed her suitcase and threw it on the bed. I could feel James' drifter hands closing around my throat as I spoke. And it was as if his feral mate Victoria was in the very room watching us.

"What about my family?" Bella asked with wide eyes.

"It's better if they don't know," I said off handedly.

"You mean they'll be killed if I tell them," she said as she placed her small hand over mine. I smoothed down her hair and kissed her forehead, "I'll take care of you, I promise." Unexpectedly she shoved my arms away, "No, no, no! I don't want to be taken care of. Just turn me!"

"What?" I asked, completely breathless. I put my hands on her shoulders and turned her toward me, "What did you just ask me?"

"Then they can't hurt me," she added, failing to recognize my distress, "and you won't have to be so careful anymore."

I slammed her suitcase shut, "I don't want that life for you. Now what are you going to tell your father?"

"No!" she shouted, "You want me to throw my life away and follow you for God knows how long only with a promise that you'll 'take care' of me. No. Edward. Just no."

"Stop it!" I yelled, a little too forcefully. She stepped back a few feet. "Bella," I worked to steady my voice, "you know a part of me wants to turn you. I just don't want to…I don't want to hurt you." I tried not to panic as I literally felt our time running out. It wouldn't take long for our enemies to find us holed up at Charlie's house.

"But if you're not letting me in," she challenged, "what's the point?"

"I want to protect you," I said numbly, unable to think up a better argument.

"I don't need your protection, Edward." Bella scoffed and turned away toward the door. I stubbornly put myself between her and it, "Listen Bella," I pleaded, "It takes everything I have to not feed and kill. There are days when all I can think about is blood. I don't want you to have to fight that or give in to it, because eventually you will." She looked at the floor with angry tears in her eyes. Her head was shaking no, like she was trying to block out my words. "You would hate me if I turned you," I whispered, taking her hands in mine, "You would hate yourself."

She wrenched free of my hands and pointed violently to herself, "No, I only get one life!" Her large, fearful eyes met mine, "You get dozens. Hundreds! And you want me to give the best part of mine to you."

I could feel my face involuntarily contort as what she was saying sunk in.

"I can't spend the rest of my life running from the bad guys. I deserve better than that." The tears finally spilled over and ran down her cheeks. When I moved to wipe them away she turn and sat on her bed, just out of my reach. "I need some time," she said, "to think."

"Bella," I muttered hopelessly.

"Leave!" She shouted, "Get out! I don't want you here!"

Take all the time you need, I thought to say. But instead I left through the window without a word. If I turn her she'll be safe. If she stays human she'll always be in danger. I love her. But do I love her enough to do what's necessary? As I stood guard in a tree just outside her window, I couldn't shake the feeling that the universe was trying to bend me this far to see if I'd break.

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I lived the next month in the dark. There was no discernable difference with my eyes opened or closed – I couldn't see. Somewhere water dripped in a casual tattoo. There was no light, no sound except for that constant drip. I was utterly alone with hard, freezing rock my only companion.

With what little sanity I had left, I began to pray. The words quickly falling from my lips between breathless chokes and whispers. It was a pathetic lament from an undying monster. It was all I had left to give.

"_Our Father, hear my prayer:_

_My wounds fester because of my sins. _

_My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear. _

_I am bowed down and brought very low. _

_Lord God, __if love is a fault; so be it. But Bella was innocence floating high over fault. __I__ dreamed our love would never die and you, my God, would be forgiving in the face of such beautiful innocence. Forgive me for dreaming too much. _

_Even __the span of my long years is as nothing before you. And Bella's life is but a breath, though she is young and unafraid. If she lives please keep her safe. Please don't let her come looking for me. I'm broken. I'm useless. If she loves me let her leave me here in the dark. __Breaking the gloomy bonds of my past has proven to be a mournful task and Bella doesn't deserve to suffer further for my sins._

_But now, Lord, what do I look for? I'm just a ghost. A memory. I have no hand to hold. I have no heart to love. My dreams were made and used and wasted. My Lord, I now know the things I wanted most will never be. __I thought my life would be different from this hell. It's all gone so wrong._

_And now the light has gone from my eyes. _

_Hear my prayer, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping. Lord, please be merciful. This is a storm I can't weather.__My hope is in you.__You are my only help and my deliverer._"

My fractured voice fell to a solemn whisper. I was ashamed to say the next words, though I truly wanted what I was asking for.

"_Grant me a true death_," I mournfully begged, "_Please let me find peace. Let me finally sleep. __Let me die. Oh God. Please. __End my suffering. Amen._"

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The cab ride home was quiet. Too quiet. Rosalie just had her formal debut at the hospital's annual black tie dinner. As head surgeon, Carlisle was a keynote speaker for the evening and he thought it would be a good test for his new progeny's self-control. Rosalie had shown amazing promise from the first moment she awoke as a vampire. We both thought she would pass the night with flying colors. Unfortunately what we didn't count on was her vanity.

The men of the gala simply fell over themselves to talk to Rosalie in her strapless, backless, slender black gown. Jealous wives were completely forgotten on the sidelines. Fights almost broke out over who would dance with her next. People whispered it was Aphrodite come to earth to take part in our mortal revelries. And Rosalie did absolutely nothing to discourage their behavior. In fact, on several occasions she actually encouraged the men around her to act like slobbering idiots.

Carlisle was humiliated. I was angry. And Rosalie was completely unaware she did anything wrong. As the cab pulled up to our townhouse, Carlisle immediately stormed out, leaving me to pay the driver. I looked over at Rosalie, my rage barely contained. She shrugged, blew a flirtatious kiss to the cabbie and gracefully exited the car. Rolling my eyes I got out my wallet to pay for our fare.

"Hey buddy," the cabbie grinned, "that your girl?"

"My sister," I glowered.

"Boy-oh-boy. That's one hot dame, if you don't mind me saying," he whistled and tipped his hat in my direction, "She got a fella?"

"No. I mean yes. I mean it's none of your damn business. Just take the money," I shoved a wad of cash through the window slot.

"Jeez, buddy. A girl like that gets into your cab you gotta ask. No hard feelings, yeah?"

"Yeah," I growled as I climbed out of the car. I entered the house in time to hear Carlisle's explosion, "Rosalie Lillian Hale! What on earth were you thinking? You could have exposed us all through your foolish antics."

Rosalie had the good sense to look abashed as she unhooked her mink shawl and began to take off her numerous pearl accessories, "I'm sorry Carlisle. Really. It's only because I care what they think. It's nice to be praised and admired. I couldn't help but like it."

To my amazement, Carlisle's expression softened. He beckoned her closer, "Of course. It's only natural for a girl your age. But I only care what you think of yourself." He took her hands in his, "If you feel your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear that someday you may find yourself believing that's all you really are. Time may never erode your beauty. But don't let that diminish the wonderful workings of your mind. Your humor, your kindness and your moral courage. These are the assets that should truly ornament your character."

"I'll try harder next time, Carlisle," Rosalie apologized with a slight choke in her voice.

Carlisle smiled, "I know you will child. It just takes time. Now, I have to get out of this wretched tuxedo and go into work. Goodnight." Carlisle excused himself from the sitting room. I slinked in and said, "Well you got off easy."

Rosalie crossed her arms and huffed, "Go take a long walk off a short pier, Edward."

"Carlisle may not see through your charm, but I do," I glowered, "Don't think I'll just stand by and watch you ruin our family's reputation."

"We're not your family," she coolly pointed out. She circled around me and went to stand in front of the fireplace. Lately she was obsessed with warming her hands to a human temperature. I didn't see the point, but it calmed her down so I let it slide.

"You're the closest thing to family I've got," I blurted, though I regretted my omission immediately. Rosalie stood awkwardly with her back to me, choosing to not correct me further. After a minute I apologized, "Sorry."

"Do you…." she started to say something and then hesitated, like it was too difficult a sentence to say aloud. I waited for her to continue. She sighed and turned to me, ringing her warmed hands together, "Do you ever wish you'd gone another way? Like maybe it would have been better to die instead?"

"Do you?" I asked, surprised.

"I don't know," she frowned, "Maybe. Sometimes." She averted her eyes and took a brandy glass off of the bar cart. Though she would never drink the liquid, she poured herself a nightcap and sat with it next to the fire.

"Look," I explained, "I have my reasons to live. I worked hard to find out what they are." I took the chair opposite her, crossing my legs in a practiced fashion, "It's not like I can just hand them to you. It's not that easy."

Rosalie stared into her glass of brandy as it was illuminated by the firelight, "Sometimes it feels like there are two dogs inside of me," she quietly confessed, "One is evil, the other is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time," her dusky yellow eyes met mine, "Which one will win?"

"I don't know," I said, "Whatever dog you feed the most?"

"No," she disagreed, dropping her eyes back to the glass, "They're killing each other. That's what makes me weak. Good and evil can't be contained in one body," she sighed and swirled the brandy absentmindedly, "I would like to believe we're righteous, and it's the world that's corrupt and dark. But that isn't the truth. I feel true darkness in my soul and Carlisle put it there."

I crossed my arms defensively, "And his creator put it in him. He didn't make the darkness. Besides," I tersely reminded her, "at the time he was trying to _save your life_, however misguided an attempt it was." I heaved a sigh and stood, "What's your point Rosalie?

"Death is a terrible thing," she said.

"Yes," I agreed.

"But at least it's honest," she finished.

"God, Rose," I moaned, "Your justice would freeze beer." When she didn't respond I threw up my hands in defeat, "I'm going to bed."

"You don't sleep," she cattily pointed out.

"Fine," I shot back, "I'm going to the room where there happens to be a bed." I took the glass from her and threw the alcohol into the fire, "I suggest you do the same. Goodnight _Sister_."

She jumped from her chair in a huff and headed up the stairs, "_Sleep well dear Brother_!" she shouted before slamming her bedroom door.

I returned to the fire, again questioning my sire's motives for turning Rosalie. We were quickly learning that her vanity was only a mask for a pious and deeply conservative soul. She didn't have the wherewithal to truly accept what had happened to her. Hate was rapidly filling her heart, choking off any forgiveness or love.

Sighing, I tried to warm my hands by the fire, mimicking Rosalie. But a primal fear made me flinch away the moment I felt the lap of the flames. Carlisle and I fought to master our natural instincts, but Rose was determined to take that fight to the next level. For her everyday was a sad pantomime, a rehearsal of normality, mirroring the life she had lost.

I dully climbed the stairs to my useless bedroom, wondering how long the illusion of humanity could last in the face of her true nature.

_**0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0**_

"_If a man is exceedingly lucky he'll have people in his life who've known him forever. And these select few will know him in a way other people can't, simply because they've seen him change. They let him change. Lao Tzu said life is a series of changes and resisting them only creates sorrow. But, with my current situation, I feel as if I'm being tested and failing miserably. I feel that, this time, it's the change that's creating the sorrow." _I put down my pen and closed the journal I had been scribbling in. I moved about the room, picking up odds and ends that had been strewn about and unlocked the front door in anticipation. I knew who was coming to visit before she climbed the apartment stairs. Her thoughts, as usual, betrayed her.

_God that was a wretched flight! 11 hours in the air and another 2 trying to track down this rattrap. If I have to say 'Que maneira é Rua Sorocaba__?' one more time I will quite simply scream my head off. And good God! Why is he staying in such a horrid place? I cannot believe in the entirety of Rio this is where –_

"Hello Alice," I answered the door before she had a chance to knock.

"Edward," she smiled tightly. He usually prim appearance was slightly rumpled, "You look…miserable."

"Nice to see you too, little Sister," I smiled genuinely as I ushered her into my apartment. She looked around the cramped studio and sniffed, her displeasure evident. Then she looked at me, noting the tattered suit I was wearing was the same one I had on the day I left Washington. "So I've found you," she said.

"So you have," I returned. We stood in silence for a minute, neither sure how to continue. "You seem different, Brother." Alice tilted her head, "Perhaps you've grown?" she added thoughtfully.

"It's not likely," I replied.

"No?" Alice sighed, "Ah, well. Stranger things have happened, I suppose."

"So how is the family?" I asked without really wanting to know the answer. We both knew there was only one person I wanted to check up on, but Alice decided to play along. "The family?" she crossed her arms and thought for a second, "Not much has changed," she admitted. "Rosalie's the same, but she started freelancing again. Emmett's well, though he's having a tough time with the NBA lockout this season. It's literally all he can talk about. Jasper flew to Rio with me, but he respects your precious privacy more than_ I _do. Carlisle is…well Carlisle is Carlisle. Esme sends her love and says she misses you. It's not easy for all of us to be apart again, after living together for so long. We all had a lot to adjust to."

"Yes," I frowned, "a necessary adjustment."

Alice sighed, "If you say so, Brother."

"Well," I shrugged, "you came looking for me. You've found me. Now what?"

"Hm. Well I don't suppose you'll come back now that I've found you? Can everything go back to where it was before?" She put her hand on my arm, her eyes full of wounded hope.

"You don't need to know the future to know the answer to that," I responded coolly.

She dropped her hand and crossed her arms, "I suppose I _had_ vaguely hoped you'd changed, Edward. That you'd finally noticed there are other people in the world. That you had begun to see people as more than mere trivialities."

"I don't need your advice on how to live," I scowled.

She huffed and put her purse down on the only chair in the room. As she dug through it she asked, "Edward? How could you leave?"

"How? Or why?" I asked back.

"It doesn't make a difference," she answered as she produced a lighter and a pack of slender cigarettes.

"You believe in God don't you?" I answered her questions with a question I had thought about a lot since leaving Forks.

"What does that have to do with anything?" She fired back, her brow furrowed. "Edward when's the last time you've hunted? You have to eat. Starving yourself won't make the pain go away."

"I've been told the most basic article of faith is that we are more than we perceive," I said, ignoring her concerns, "But the messy constellations of my life leave me no clue to my destiny. There is, I fear, a great deal about the world and my role in it that I utterly fail to understand." Worrying a the threadbare hem of my jacket I feebly confessed, "Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me. Like a gapping wound," I touched the place where I felt most empty and smiled sadly, "I think if you lifted my heart to your ear you'd probably hear the ocean." When I looked at Alice she looked as if she was watching a train derail. I sighed and dropped my hand, "If I am more than this body, wouldn't I feel differently? If I'm fulfilling my destiny wouldn't the void eventually disappear?"

"Oh jeez. You're worse than I thought," Alice sighed dramatically, "You sound like a cracked out version of Carlisle." My littlest sister took my dirty hands in hers and led me to a small table at the back of the room. She opened the adjacent window to reveal a perfect view of the _Cristo Redentor_ monument. Alice smiled as the late night sounds of Rio de Janeiro drifted toward us, a heady mixture of traffic noise, laughter, shouting and music. In her mind she noted that the city's teeming life contrasted sharply with my dead apartment. "Why didn't you just let yourself love her?" My sister quietly asked as she lit up a cigarette, "She was what you were waiting for, Idiot."

"Since when do you smoke?" I asked. Alice shrugged and blew her smoke out the window. "It wasn't worth her life," I asserted, "It was too high a risk. If she couldn't realize that on her own, then I had to make the decision for both of us."

"She may have been self-deluded about the risks, but you need to understand she didn't see what she was doing as risky." Alice ground the butt of her half-finished cigarette into the windowsill and flicked the filter out into the night.

"She was wrong," I grumbled.

"Of course," Alice sighed, "But it was her ability to ignore logic that allowed you to fall in love for the first time in, like, all of history. No one else could have done that for you." She paused for a moment and then gauchely cleared her throat, "Ah, Edward, you know she's with someone else now?" Alice inclined her head and shot mental images of Jacob Black and Bella together.

I shook my head against the thoughts, "Do you know he helped me meet her? He told her everything about us and she couldn't help but stalk me until she knew his stories were true. It's a good thing I didn't marry her. Really. I just wasn't enough to make her happy. Deep down I knew I was just a stand-in for what she really needed. If he makes her happy, so be it."

"You're crazy!" Alice shouted, "Look, I'm on your side Brother, but you got to realize for _her_, you were it. Game over. No reset button. She feels the same way you do, Genius."

"I don't know, Alice. Maybe I've had my allotted amount of happiness."

"What are you talking about? You can't believe that. Do you have any idea how much she's cried on my shoulder over you? She wants you back."

"I lied to her a thousand times. I hurt her twice as much as that. And you're telling me she still loves me? For what, breaking her heart? Wait. How do you know how much she's cried?" I angrily pointed at her, "You weren't supposed to go back there."

Alice stood in front of me and put a steadying hand on my shoulder, "I had to check on her, Edward. I had to see if she was ok."

"And what did you see?" I asked, completely defeated by my desire to know Alice knew. "See for yourself," she said as she closed her eyes. I focused on my sister and fell inside her memory:

_When Alice finally saw her, after so long of not seeing her, without thought she crawled into Bella's bed while she slept. It was clear from the state of the room and the well-worn look of the bed, Bella had done a lot of sleeping in the last three months. Alice felt her brow wrinkle with worry as she looked over the piles of books and dirty clothes. Bella's face looked older, but more beautiful; her awkward adolescent features had finally settled into a state of grace. But there was sadness ornamenting the young woman's character. As she stroked her friend's nose, like a cat, Alice realized the __poignant __beauty had sprung from a deep well of joy that had prematurely dried up. _

_Bella's eyes fluttered open and as she focused on the vampire in her bed she was unsurprised. Alice went to say 'Hello' but Bella spoke first, "I was so happy," she said. Then, without further explanation, her whole body began to shake with wracking sobs. Alice frowned and took her long lost friend into her arms, kissing her forehead and shushing her gently. It had been a long time and a lot had changed. _

_As the sobs wilted slowly down to quiet breathing and Bella's eyes closed from exhaustion, Alice let her go. "I love you," Alice softly said, thinking her friend wouldn't hear. _

"_I love you too, Alice," Bella mumbled before drifting back to sleep. _

"I was gone before she woke up again. She thought it was a dream," Alice explained.

"It doesn't change anything," I said without looking directly at her.

"No," Alice said, crossing her arms, "I suppose it doesn't. You forgot to pack this," she placed my mother's wedding ring on the table. It was one of the few human things I held onto all these years. It was the ring I was going to give to Bella someday. "It's not enough that you loved her. That you _still _love her. Symbols, like this ring, are important Edward. They're like pieces of your heart you can look at. Please, before you starve yourself to death, go back to Forks and make this right."

When I didn't respond Alice shook her head in disappointment and let herself out. After that night none of the family visited again.

_**0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0**_

Esme knocked lightly on my door. When I didn't answer she opened it to see me sprawled face down on my couch. "I don't want to talk about it," I said with my head muffled under a pillow.

"Talk about what?" She kindly asked.

I tossed the pillow off of my head and sat up, "Whatever it is you came in here to have a heart to heart about."

"I came in here to ask you to rinse out your clothes after hunting," she came in and sat on the edge of the couch next to me, "Alice found blood on that shirt you insisted on borrowing from Jasper. Apparently she bought it last year in Italy and she's pitching another fit in the living room."

"Oh," I sighed, "I suppose CNN will be here shortly to cover the story."

"Alright then," Esme got up to leave, "I'll leave you alone now."

"Wait," I said just as she got to the door.

She turned with a bemused expression, "Yes?"

"Don't I look inordinately unhappy to you?" I asked with a touch of exasperation. This was the rare occasion when I actually wanted her to ask about my personal business.

"Well, I don't want to pry," she said airily, trying to act coy. But when she saw me deflate with awkward need she quickly added, "….I did overhear your argument with Bella last night."

I frowned, "Do you think I'm a rigid, unrealistic, self-righteous jerk who can't hold onto a friend?"

"She didn't say anything like that!" Esme scolded.

"I know," I pouted, "But do you?"

"Edward," she smiled and again took a seat next to me, "You have strong beliefs and you want to live by them. That's not a fault or a character flaw. It's admirable; it's what makes you who you are." She patted my hand reassuringly.

"Bella doesn't think so," I moped.

"Bella's a little more pragmatic than you and she didn't appreciate being criticized for it," Esme firmly pointed out.

"I don't blame her," I muttered in a half-hearted omission.

Esme patted me on the cheek, "And since she's pragmatic she also knows that when someone is having a bad day it doesn't make them a bad person."

"What about someone with a pattern of alienating people with his self-righteousness?" I deadpanned.

"People aren't as easily alienated as you think, Edward." She smiled, "Just ask Carlisle. He'd tell you that for all your – as you say 'self-righteousness' – you're still a good man with a kind and loyal heart. He told me as much when we first met."

"Really?" I asked, brightening a little.

"Really, really," she smiled.

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On the fifth night in the cave, Carlisle came to see me. The light he brought with him was blinding and at first I had to avert my eyes.

"Edward. My poor Son."

"Carlisle?" I managed to choke out, "How can this be?"

He smiled down at me, "Do you remember what I told you when you came back to me all those years ago?"

"Yes," I rasped, "That having faith meant knowing this isn't all that we are."

"Precisely," he said, "You're walking on a thread, my Son. My dear Edward."

"It's all gone wrong," I sobbed, "I don't have any will left. It's all gone."

"Yes, this truly is the interior of despair," he knelt and put his hand on my cheek, "But diamonds are found only in the dark places of the earth; truths are found only in the depths of thought. You must keep faith that it will work out in the end."

"Look at me!" I exploded, "Look at what I am! I'm 107 years old and I have exactly _nothing_ to show for it. I have nobody. I don't want anything. I don't want anybody. And that's the worst part, when the want goes. It's _bad_, Carlisle. Suffering is one thing. But when you just don't care anymore? Maybe I should put a period at he end of…whatever this was."

"No," he frowned, "you can't do that."

"Look me in the eye and tell me I have one good reason to live."

"No." Carlisle stood and walked a few paces away from me, "It's not just your life that's gone wrong. It's_ life_, Edward." He turned and pointed at me, "Life is bigger than you. Life isn't something you possess; it's not something you can turn on and off like a switch. It's something you take part in. My Son, you have forgotten me."

"No. Never."

"You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself. You are more than this wretched creature you have become."

"I don't _care_," I cried, my rage bubbling just below the surface, "Please. You need to help me die."

"You might care, if you knew what I really meant. I can't save you, my Son. No one can. Dark thoughts hold possession of your heart," gradually Carlisle's light began to fade, "but it's your mind you need to take control of. Only you have the power to pull yourself away from the edge of despair. Your life and your choices have always been your own. Likewise your death. Goodbye Edward," my creator gave me a sad smile, "I won't be coming back."

I blinked and he was gone, like a bright candle suddenly snuffed out. "Carlisle!" I screamed into the dark, "Carlisle, don't go! Please don't leave me here! _CARLISLE!_"

But I was alone. I knew I had been alone all along.

**END PART 3  
**

To be continued….


	14. Part IV, Chapter 1

And we're back! Back to writing, back to Bella's POV and back on track with the main plotline.

Last chapter we curled up inside Edward's head for a short while and got a tiny glimpse into what it's like to be a disembodied head. Fun times.

Now we're back with our fearless heroine and her Texan sidekick as they roam the vast Appalachian mountain range in search of the broken pieces of their fallen friend.

And true-to-form, we have a handful of flashbacks dealing with marriage. Again, super fun.

As always, these characters are not mine – they have the singular privilege of belonging to Mrs. Stephanie Meyer.

Hugs,

Dixie Lou

Part IV

1

Yesterday, one month to the day after our surreptitious return from Italy, I finally agreed to Edward's outstanding marriage proposal. He produced his mother's wedding ring and bent his knee and I was so swept up in the moment I said yes before my brain caught up with my heart. It was difficult to deny how the decision felt right, right then.

However that evening I woke several times in a cold sweat, gasping for air. It felt like a fist was pressing down on my chest, crushing my lungs. But when I opened my eyes the room was empty; I was alone. Unsettled, I stayed awake and watched each tick of the clock as it brought me closer to daylight and safety. But the clock was slow and the night proved to be very long.

I was a wreck by the time a dull and rainy morning decided to break over the horizon. And it was in this unhappy state Edward found me in my kitchen, attempting to make coffee and failing miserably. Errant coffee grounds and paper filters littered the countertop.

I didn't see him coming, but then again I never do. His pale hand snaked around my waist while the other produced a bouquet of wild yellow daisies - yellow for friendship, daisies for innocence. Before I could get a word out he swept me up and started dancing me around Charlie's small kitchen. This would have been romantic, but today I felt neither friendly nor innocent.

"Good morning Mrs. Cullen, good morning to you!" Edward sang in a cheesy baritone.

"Edward I –" I managed to gasp as he continued to twirl me around.

"We're booked all day!" he chimed enthusiastically, "Hiking,"

"Edward, please – "

"And sailing,"

"Put me down, Edward –"

"And a picnic on the beach! But first, breakfast," he laughed, "We have to feed the human - "

"Edward, stop!" I yelled and forcefully pushed myself away. Startled, he released his grip and stepped back. I smoothed my clothes and tried to control the angry tears that had started to spill down my cheeks.

"Why are you crying?" he asked, confused. He touched my left hand, concern flooding his voice, "Bella, where's your ring?"

"Edward," I sighed, painfully aware of how quiet the kitchen had become, "yesterday I may have said some impulsive things. We both may have said some things we should really think about."

Edward stared at me in disbelief, the rumpled daises still clutched in one hand. I looked at him meaningfully before I spoke again, willing him to understand what I was about to say and silently begging him to not hate me in the end. Why couldn't he read my mind? It would make everything so much simpler. I pulled his mother's ring out of my pocket and set it on the kitchen table. "I can't…" I choked on my words and had to whisper to get them out, "I can't marry you."

He stared at me, his face blank.

"I'm not prepared," I offered by way of explanation. It did little except stir his astonishment into anger. "And when will you be prepared?" he asked in an eerily stoic tone.

"I don't know," I blurted, the tears returning.

"Why might that be?" he asked, tilting his head to regard me skeptically, "Is this about _him_?"

"No!" I cried, "This has nothing to do with Jacob. Edward, you have to believe me. It's got nothing to do with any of that." I looked away, unable to meet his gaze, "I still have doubts. Doubts about being able to trust you." Astonished by my own blunt words, I clapped my hand over my mouth before something more spilled out. They were absolutely true, every last syllable, but so thoughtlessly spoken I feared the damage they would cause.

"DOUBT ME?" Edward exploded, startling me back into a corner of the kitchen. "And _your_ behavior is trustworthy? How could you let me believe you wanted this? How could you say yes and not mean it? _Do you have any idea how cruel that is_?"

"I just can't forget those months," I whimpered through my tears, "All the days when I could barely speak or eat. I was falling and the one person who was supposed to catch me," I gulped and tried to wipe my face dry, "….he wasn't there."

Edward sat heavily at the kitchen table, his face numb, "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I was weak. I was a coward," he shook his head and looked up at me, "But we need to move past this."

"We can't," I gasped, "Because the idea of a hike alone with you terrifies me." I clutched the edge of the sink and looked out the window toward the forest. The morning's light rain was quickly turning into a downpour, melting the front yard into blurry greens and grays. "I'm afraid you're going leave me in the middle of the woods again."

"I would _never_ -," Edward thundered indignantly.

"_I know._" I snapped, "But it's like there's poison between us." With some effort I softened my tone and turned toward him, "What I don't want is to have all our good memories replaced by moments like the night you left. But that's what's happening because I can't forget." I sat next to him and grabbed his hand, "When I looked at you as you were leaving me, when I saw you didn't believe in me, _in us_, it was like you stole the oxygen right out of my body." I put my hand over my chest, "Marriage is too much, too soon. I'm still learning how to breathe again."

"No. I know," he admitted, "I wanted to come back for you. I was just," Edward looked down, his voice low and ashamed, "too afraid."

"Of what?" I asked, trying to keep the disappointment out of my tone. I was sick of hearing about how frightened Edward was. If I could find bravery in the face of horror, then so could he.

"That you would never forgive me," he said, "Because I never forgave myself. There hasn't been a single day, _not one,_" he stressed each word by tapping his finger against the kitchen table, "that's gone by that I don't regret leaving you. I'm sorry Bella. For everything."

"I know," I gave a deep, shuddering sigh, "I _know_ you are. I am too."

Edward's brilliant golden eyes met mine, "I love you."

"And that is what makes all of this _so_ sad." I shook my head, unable to argue with him further, "Forgive me," I whispered lamely. Edward deflated, "You'll always have my forgiveness, Bella," his voice quavered and the flowers dropped to the floor, forgotten. "Edward, I –" I wanted to tell him the engagement meant little and less. That we could work this out, give it more time. I wanted to say I loved him too, but I was sure he'd pull back again, that he'd get too scared of hurting me and leave a second time. I wanted to scream at him and kiss him and hold his trembling hands, but he didn't give me the chance.

"I need to go," he shouldered past me and opened the front door, "I'll see you around." And he left, the crumpled daises on the floor the only sign he had been there at all. After a few shaky breaths I ran after him into the rain. But he had long disappeared, lost somewhere in the green wilderness of Forks. Somehow, despite my experience with Edward vanishing, I was still trying to catch him in the act.

Wet and defeated, I walked back into the house and noticed he had left his mother's wedding band sitting on the table. I grabbed the ring and shoved it into my pocket, unable to force the metal circle onto my finger. Then I knelt and began the menial task of picking little yellow daisy petals off of my father's kitchen floor. Thinking and thinking about what this meant, and what I had just lost by being honest.

"One for sorrow," I counted as I gathered the flowers, "Two for joy. Three for death, all for a boy." I crushed the petals in my fist and threw them into the garbage.

_**0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0**_

Jasper pulled the jeep over to the side of the road, "We're almost there. The town is just over this next ridge. I suggest we hole up at that motel for the night." He gestured across the street to a shabby looking structure with a vacancy sign and the Motel 6 moniker.

"Hole up. As in sleep? Indoors? With running water?" I perked up. It had been four days and one night since I'd seen anything close to a decent meal and a hot shower. Jasper drove practically nonstop through the autumn countryside, leaving time only for my 'human' moments. And to my frustration those moments were becoming more frequent due to the disturbingly rapid growth of Edward's baby. The drive was awkward at the best of times, hostile at the worst. Only through our shared determination did we manage to see the week's end.

"I can't book the room," Jasper admitted, "There's no telling who's in there. If they find out I came – "

"I'll be back," I said, cutting him short, "I assume you have a –" he produced a credit card with my name on it. "What the hell is this?" I asked, waving the card at him.

"A credit card," he blithely answered.

"You took out a line of credit in my name?!" I shouted, "I don't have the money for that!"

"In _Edward's _name," Jasper corrected, "Its tied to his accounts and completely unaffiliated to your misfortunate finances. He set it up months ago. Try not to abuse it, Human."

"Oh," I fumbled, "Right. Thank you? I guess." Jasper said nothing so I cleared my throat and said, "Shouldn't I give a fake name? I mean we're trying to be discreet, right?"

"They know you're coming," Jasper frowned, "If anyone in there is looking for you, all that card will give them is a name they already have. And if they come at you," he gave me a stern look, "you'll be ready, won't you?"

"Yes," I said as I clutched the morbid trinket around my neck. Edward's finger was ice cold and still. "I'll be back."

Climbing out of Emmett's jeep I took a moment to stretch my legs. The night was clear and crisp. Though our intentions for visiting were sour, Tennessee proved to be quite beautiful. The big, ancient trees were bursting with bright oranges, yellows and reds. Every now and then a gust of wind would break the colors loose from their branches and send them swirling through the starry sky. I couldn't believe it was already fall, where had the summer gone? Taking a deep breath I wrapped my jacket tightly around my body and headed toward the motel.

_**0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0**_

"Have I found you?" I whispered melodically, "Flightless bird." I was tightly curled in my bedroom chair, trying to keep my guts inside my skin. A journal lay open in my lap but the pencil I'd been using had snapped in two some time ago. "Jealous," I hummed, "weeping." The song, an old favorite, was playing on repeat in my head. I was trying my best to write, but the lyrics were annoyingly haunting. "Have I found you?" I distantly questioned, "Or lost you? Hmmm…."

Low voices outside my door dragged me back to reality.

"What the hell is this?" I heard Charlie gruffly asked.

"What does it look like?" Jacob Black answered back. Was he here again? Didn't he just leave? What day was it? I uncurled from my chair and padded over to the vanity mirror. Through the looking glass a ghost stared back at me. _Hello_, I thought, _My name's Bella Swan. Who're you?_ The ghost shook it's head and shuffled over to the bed as Charlie and Jacob continued to argue in the hallway.

"It looks like you've invited yourself into our house," Charlie grumbled, "_for the fourth time this week_, to make my daughter breakfast in bed. Again."

"Bella's been through a lot," Jacob groused, "it's important we be supportive."

"Being supportive is one thing," Charlie sighed and I heard him lean up against my door. His F.P.D. keys jangled on his belt as he moved, "But don't you think it's a little much to be coming here every morning and giving her hot coco and foot massages? Don't you have school or something?"

"Look – I've been meaning to come by to talk to you about Bella," Jacob said in an overly formal tone, "The breakfast is extra," he added.

"Yeah?" Charlie deadpanned.

I heard metal clank against ceramic and glass as Jacob adjusted the breakfast tray. It was obvious he was nervous, "I mean she's just such a beautiful person," he gushed, "I mean _you_ know that. I just wanted you to know I'm there for her. I don't want you to ever worry because my only plans are to make sure she's taken care of."

I felt a fierce blush creep up my cheeks. Why was he telling my dad all this? What was going on? I climbed under the covers and pulled them up to my chin. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I winced as the wound in my chest, which had mysteriously appeared last week, started to throb painfully. I kept checking for any sign of physical harm but there was nothing. The pain was real, but the source was imagined just like the past year of my life.

Charlie coughed awkwardly, "That's nice of you Jacob." I could tell he felt as trapped and uncomfortable as I did.

"And I'd like to marry her," Jacob firmly added.

"What?" Charlie barked. _What?!_ I mentally shouted.

"Oh, well, you know. Not today," Jacob backtracked, "But eventually, I figure."

"Well does Bella know how you feel?" Charlie sighed again and lumbered to the other end of the hallway in retreat.

"Well not just yet," Jacob admitted. _Yeah, no shit!_ I yelled in my mind.

"I'm still laying the foundation," Jacob added in a very adult tone, "in terms of housing and, you know, a job. And I'm picking my moment very carefully."

"Mmm-hmm," Charlie mumbled. It was clear he wanted to escape the situation as soon as possible.

"Yeah, I mean you understand right?" Jacob placated.

"Oh sure," my dad agreed, "I felt the same way about somebody myself. I loved her and I married her." My stomach flipped when I realized who he was talking about. It wasn't like my dad to get personal, but he was never confronted with marriage proposal for his daughter before today. I still couldn't believe what I was hearing. Didn't they know I was in the next room? Couldn't this discussion happen downstairs, away from my goddamn door?! I pulled the covers fully over my head in an effort to bury the words my father was about to speak.

"Oh, wait," Jacob caught on, "This is Bella's mother?"

"Yeah," Charlie gruffly confirmed.

"Oh," Jacob squeaked. Finally the seriousness of the situation was dawning on him. I sort of felt bad for my friend as Charlie continued with the sordid story that was our reality as a family. I knew Jacob's mother had died a long time ago and he was no stranger to familial tragedy. But when someone you love leaves you, when they say they don't want you anymore, that you're not good enough, it creates a completely different type of pain.

"I haven't seen Renée going on 5 years," I heard my dad admit, "But I still love her. As much as I ever did." My heart constricted painfully. I tried to remind myself that love, all types of love, hurts. But my heart kept shrinking as I thought about my mother and my father and my life. "You can love Bella," Charlie said, "but that doesn't mean she's going to love you back. It doesn't mean she won't love you, but you can't _make_ it happen."

I gasped into my pillow as what he was saying sunk in. It was for me as much as for Jacob.

"Oh sure," Jake agreed, "I know." But all of us, including Jacob, knew he didn't know.

"Now look," Charlie leveled, "I get what you're trying to do here. But don't you think it's time she hauled her ass out of bed and got past this?"

"That's a little harsh, don't you think? She almost died," Jacob contended.

_Did I?_ I wondered. I suppose I did die a little that night in the woods, alone on the cold ground. I guess it was dangerous and a little selfish. But no more than right now. What everyone is failing to realize is that I'm still dying. I never stopped.

"I know you think she needs your help," Charlie softened his tone, "But at the end of the day, she's the only one who can help herself. It's her choice who she loves and how she wants to live. You're a good friend, Jake. But don't think you can just swoop in here and fix what's going on with Bella."

The breakfast tray clanked around some more as Jacob shifted from one foot to the other. His silence was palpable.

"Look," Charlie sighed, "I need to get to the station – but I won't see you here tomorrow morning, will I?"

"No, sir." Jacob grumbled.

The first step on our staircase groaned as Charlie started his decent downstairs, "Good luck, Kid." he called over his shoulder.

Realizing I didn't know how to face my friend, I panicked and decided to feign sleep. Quickly flopping back on the bed and closing my eyes, I involuntarily held my breath as Jacob swung my bedroom door open.

"Good morning!" He piped, "How goes it?"

"I've been better," I grumbled under the comforter. I heard Jacob put the tray down and yanked the blanket back. He smiled warmly down at me, "If I tell you it gets easier does that make me corny?"

"No," I smiled despite myself, "it makes you a liar." Even though he was a practically a child and had no idea what he was talking about, I still loved to see Jacob smile at me. I scooted up to a sitting position, "What's for breakfast?"

"Oatmeal and a side of sadness," Jacob laughed as he set the tray over my lap. I felt myself grin but it didn't take. "Funny Jake."

He sighed and sat next to me, "Do you know what a mandala is?" he asked as he swiped a piece of uneaten toast off my plate.

"A Buddhist art thing?" I half guessed.

"Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand," Jacob continued, "They spend months on them, building up intricate patterns and designs." He waved his hands in a circle and traced patterns in the air, "Then, when they're finished, they wash them away in the river." He dropped his hands and grabbed another piece of toast, "They're temporary. Just like this moment."

"That's beautiful," I admitted. In my mind I pictured monks in bright red robes chanting over their delicate masterpiece. Choosing to use fine sand over the permanence of paint or clay. Jacob placed his hand over mine, "Bella, You have to take what you have now and make it as beautiful as you can. And when it's over," he shrugged, "you have to wash it away."

_**0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0**_

The empty highway north gradually gave way to crowded city streets as Edward's shiny silver Volvo zipped toward the Seattle Museum of History and Industry. A massive building looming over the South Lake coastline like Ishmael's fabled white whale. Last year the whole museum was moved into the old Naval Reserve Armory, which was built around 1941. Though the renovation had updated the building's facilities, the massive concrete structure still retained its original pre-war façade popular with federal buildings of its time.

"I can't believe they turned this heap into a museum," Edward mused as he parked the car. I climbed out and was immediately hit with a strong breeze coming off the Puget Sound. As I shoved my windswept hair away from my face I said, "I think it's beautiful. Very F. Scott Fitzgerald. Look at the gardens!"

A large, shallow fountain dominated the west-facing garden, which was almost completely surrounded by the imposing Lake Union. Children were sailing small boats around the fountain and laughing as their ships echoed the coming and going of real sailboats in the harbor. I smiled as mothers impatiently tried to get their children to stay out of the water.

"Jasper's already in the exhibit," Edward said as he guided me toward the front doors, "Let's not keep him waiting."

I nodded and followed him through the glass entryway into a modern wood and iron lobby. As Edward paid for our tickets I meandered over to examine the banner for the exhibit we'd be seeing. _Heroes & Heartache: A Personal War of Letters, Relics and Photographs. _Above the title was a kodachrome photograph of a naval officer and his family standing in front of the original Naval Reserve Armory. The child the officer was holding couldn't have been more than 10 months old. I wondered who they were and what had become of them after the war.

Edward returned with tickets and an attendant ushered us into the exhibit. More photos of soldiers with their families adorned the walls and display cases. I wandered over to a large display of handwritten letters sent home during the first year of American combat. "What is it that makes a man?" I absently read aloud, "Is it the way he was brought up? Or is it something harder to describe? For me it was…."

"The year 1944," Jasper interjected. I jerked around to see the stern blond vampire frowning down at me.

"Oh, hi." I warily greeted him. Jasper had a way of putting me on edge, even when Alice and Edward were around. "What happened in 1944?" I casually asked as I moved on to the next display. Jasper examined a group of naval swords hung along the wall, "Classified mission in Romania, near the Ukrainian border."

"Classified?" My tone went from polite interest to genuine attention, "Sounds exciting," I prodded.

He looked over a display of German Kriegsmarine daggers and frowned at the titles, "They've mislabeled three of these," he mumbled and then sighed as he turned toward me again, "Exciting?" he asked with very little expression, "That's one way to put it."

"Don't scare her Jasper," Edward suddenly materialized beside me, "No one wants to hear your old war stories again." He put his arm around me and gave his brother a wry grin. "_I_ do," I protested, "I haven't heard his stories at all. What were you doing in Romania? I thought it was neutral during the war." Edward rolled his eyes and mumbled, "I warned you." Then he went on to look at a large collection of miniature replica ships.

"In the beginning, yes." Jasper agreed as we walked on, "But they eventually allied with Germany around 1940."

"What were you doing in a war at all?" I asked, "I thought you guys stayed out of human stuff as much as possible." I remembered Carlisle saying something of the sort when I first visited their home.

Edward turned toward us and replied, "War is actually very productive for our kind. You'd be surprised how many of us end up on the front lines." He noticed my eyes widening at the implications of vampire involvement in human warfare and he shrugged casually.

"But wouldn't you stick out?" I asked a little too eagerly, "Be discovered?"

"World War II was a bloody, gruesome time," Edward's smile fell into a somber expression, "More than 60 million died between 1939 and 1945, about 2.5% of the total population of the planet."

"The living had no place in the world anymore," Jasper added grimly, "it was a time for ghosts." His eyes wandered to the old photographs plastered around the exhibit, "An easy time for the dead to walk the earth."

I stopped beside a humongous photograph of the beaches of and broken fuselage floated like black buoys in the water. "A killer among killers," I mumbled and then asked, "Edward, did you fight?" He came over and held my hand; his cool skin a comfort. "Back then Emmett had just joined our family," he explained, "Because he was a newborn and a little out of control – "

Jasper snorted and said under his breath, "A little?"

Edward gave him a chilly look and continued, "For obvious reasons we had to constantly move around to very remote locations. I never got a chance to enlist." He glanced longingly at a collection of Uncle Sam posters and a mural of American soldiers marching off to war, "I don't think Carlisle approved either; he is a pacifist after all. He was more interested in training me in medicine to help the men returning home." His lyrical voice gave a wistful sigh, "_I _wanted to fight, though." I gave Edward a pat on the arm, "Well I'm going to have to agree with Carlisle on this one." He frowned and I laughed.

Turning again to Jasper I said, "Romania isn't mentioned very often in any historical account I've read. Why was it so important to you, Jasper?"

"Have you heard rumors of the Nazis being involved with the occult?" he asked.

I smirked, "Well I've seen _Raiders of the Lost Arc_, if that's what you mean." Though I was disappointed to see both men stare at me blankly.

"Raiders of what?" Edward asked, confused.

"Which arc?" Jasper asked, "Most of them are lost."

"What? No!" I cried in disbelief, "Are you kidding me with this? You know Indiana Jones, right?" Again I received empty looks.

"Was he a soldier?" Edward helpfully suggested.

"Oh. My. God," I threw up my hands, "Never mind. Yes, Jasper," I sighed dramatically, "I know what you're talking about."

Jasper pointed to a map of Europe and circled the Carpathian Mountain range with his index finger. "The Nazi's were quite desperate by 1944," he said, "Rumor had it they were combining science and black magic in an attempt to upset the balance of the war. I was pretending at the time to be 28, and a historical consultant to president Roosevelt."

"You're joking," I scoffed, "_You've met FDR_?"

"No," Jasper corrected, "Though we talked on the phone several times. I went A.W.O.L. shortly before the fighting ended and sadly never got the chance to meet him in person."

"Wow," I breathed as we exited the exhibit and went to sit in a nearby lounge. Edward mumbled something about 'feeding the human' and left in pursuit of food.

"Anyway," Jasper continued, "the Nazi's had heard tales of men in the Romanian forests who became wolves during the full moon. Men who gained fourfold their strength and could infect others with their bite. Men the _Führer_ wanted as his own to set against any army fool enough to cross him. These wild stories had led German troops deep into the Carpathian Mountains in search of any beast that matched the description of the fabled 'Vârcolac'." Something in that word made me shiver and I crossed my arms for warmth. Jasper's war story was quickly turning into the stuff of nightmares. "My platoon was fated to follow them, staying distant and silent for two weeks up until that night in 1944. Little did they know they were preparing to march into an unholy bloodbath."

A family walking nearby looked at us with alarm and quickly ushered their small child away. I shifted uncomfortably, but at the same time couldn't resist leaning in a little further. I was surprised to see that Jasper seemed unaware, or simply didn't care, if people overheard him.

"It was dark as we marched over the last ridge," Jasper continued, "and we were finally closing in on the German platoon. From the end of the line I could hear the shouting, the screams, before the other men. But it was too late to warn any of them. It was too late to turn around.

The Germans had a monster surrounded. Each man pointing a knife, a gun, a net, whatever they could find to help, at the creature. They were lucky, I knew, that they had stumbled across a single wolf, and not her pack. The beast looked weak and injured, but more dangerous than anything I had ever seen." His voice went cold and I couldn't help but be afraid. Secretly I longed for the days when myths and monsters weren't real. When I didn't know how huge and dark the world really was.

"And then it started," Jasper muttered, "She was lunging at the men, at the guns, grabbing them with her teeth, and breaking everything she could get a hold of. They shot and stabbed her, but it didn't matter. She tore through their throats so fast that not a one of them got a chance to scream or pray or say goodbye. When my entire platoon had died, despite my efforts to save them, I attempted one last frantic attack. She threw me down with ease and I landed broken in a pool of blood at her feet. I felt her hot breath on my face and she looked at me with eyes so black they weren't even there."

He paused and I gulped. I knew he survived, that much was obvious. But I had never heard a Cullen talk about a wolf like this before. Jasper was afraid.

"And then she walked away," he sighed, "Since my transformation I've never seen an enemy turn it's back on me like I didn't matter. As I lay wounded in the mud, I realized there was no defeating this monster; it had already won by existing in the world. That night I found the balance for all vampire kind. Our natural enemy. And for the first time in a long time I feared for my unending life."

"Was she like the Quileute?" I asked in awe.

Edward came back with a yogurt and a juice. He handed them to me and said a flat, "No."

"No," Jasper echoed.

"No?" I asked with surprise.

"I hope you never have to meet this type of wolf," Jasper warned, "If that beast were to encounter God, God would be devoured." His phone buzzed against the tabletop and he picked it up, "Alice. Will you two be here for a while? I'm going to meet her out front."

"Sure," Edward said as he opened my yogurt for me and handed me a spoon.

"See you later," I waved. As I watched Jasper make his way back through the crowded museum I exhaled in relief, "Well that was intense." Edward mumbled an 'I-told-you-so' as he scrolled through his phone.

"Sometimes I feel like your family could fill an entire museum with what I don't know about the world," I sighed.

"You're probably right," Edward agreed.

_**0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0**_

A neon vacancy sign buzzed overhead, illuminating the front porch of the lonely roadhouse in a vivid scarlet. Finding the door unlocked I entered a darkened lobby, "Hello?" I called, "Anyone home? I'd like a room." When no one answered a chill raced up my spine, something wasn't right. I turned to leave; another day of sleeping in the car wouldn't kill me. Taking a step through the dark I stumbled over a lobby chair and went flailing toward the ground. My knee smashed against the floorboard and I gave a whimper of pain. "Ouch! Damn it!" I sighed, "Stupid chair." I was holding my knee and waiting for the pain to subside when the lights suddenly flicked on.

"Oh!" A young man exclaimed, "I didn't know anyone was in here. Wait, why are you in here?"

"I want a room?" I said dubiously from the floor.

"Right," he scratched his head, "I'm sorry. Here let me help you up," he offered a hand and I used it to pick myself up, "Usually it's my mother who takes care of the place. But she's off tonight. Her sister – uh, my aunt, is in town." I nodded at his oddly detailed explanation and righted the chair to its original spot. "She'd kill me if she knew I let a pregnant lady fall over a chair because I forgot to turn the lights on."

I blushed a little, "It's fine, really. I'm fine."

"Sorry," the boy apologized again. "That was rude," he pointed at himself, "oldest of 6 here. I lost my filter with all the baby stuff a long time ago. Please tell me to go to Hell if you want."

"Um," I paused uncomfortably, unsure of how to respond to his candor, "It's cool, don't worry about it."

He flipped on some more lights to reveal a rustic looking front desk. The walls of the lobby and the furniture were all decorated with old tribal carvings, various animal skins and beaded tapestries. I flinched when I noticed an imposing wolf totem looming behind the front desk. Someone had made some unusual decorating choices for an everyday Motel 6.

"So," the young innkeeper said as he started up an ancient computer, "For the night? Or are you staying longer?" His voice sounded too hopeful and I regarded him warily. Something in his young face reminded me of Seth Clearwater, which made me uncomfortable and a little sad. "Just the night," I insisted.

"Okay," he sighed and clicked a few windows on the dim computer screen, "I'm suppose to ask for your name…" he arched an expectant eyebrow at me.

"Here," I said as I handed him my new credit card, "this should help."

The young man looked at my card, "Oh," he cleared his throat, suddenly nervous, "Yep. This'll work…_Ms._ _Swan_." He swiped my card and handed it back with a shaking hand. "Towels," he stacked a few on the desk, "And a key. Room one, at the end. Nine out of ten are vacant so if you find a problem with the room just call – "

"This is fine," I cut him off, suddenly wanting the awkward conversation to end, "Thanks." Gathering up my towels I headed out the door and took a quick left down the motel porch in search of my room. When I found door number one I tried the key and had to jiggle it fairly hard before the lock would turn. "Charming," I sighed as I shoved my way through the stiff door.

"_I_ think it is."

"Ah!" I screamed and flicked on the lights to find Jasper reclining comfortably in the room's only bed. The comforter's bright Ikat pattern contrasted badly with his pale skin. "Jesus Christ! _Jasper_. You were supposed to wait in the car."

"I didn't say that. I said they shouldn't know I'm here." His face broke into a lopsided Texan grin, "So who's manning the front desk?" He got up and circled around the room, checking the doors and windows. I noticed he had brought my bags inside.

"I dunno. Some kid. He got real shook up when he saw the name on my card." I heaved my backpack on the bed and began to rummage around for my bathroom kit.

"Do you think he's a wolf?" Jasper asked nonchalantly.

"He did remind me of Seth," I shrugged.

"Seth?" Jasper asked.

"_Clearwater_," I snapped in disbelief, "The boy you murdered."

"Oh. Yeah," Jasper said indifferently, "I forgot you know their names."

"They deserve that much, at least." I huffed.

"Mm," Jasper muttered, "How much did the front desk kid remind you of the Clearwater boy?"

"A passing resemblance doesn't mean he's involved in any of this."

"No, it doesn't." Jasper admitted, "But this isn't our land and we can't take anything for granted. One look around this room and it's obvious we're not in friendly territory." I noted the rustic décor that matched the motel lobby and decided not to comment. I sincerely hoped the Cullen's Native American prejudice didn't extend beyond the Quileute tribe. Maybe it was just a Jasper thing? Instead of engaging in another argument, I took my toiletries and headed for the bathroom. Jasper peered out the window again, "Were those SUV's out there when you came in?"

"What?" I called from the bathroom, "SUV's?" I spit a mouthful of toothpaste into the vanity sink and joined Jasper at the window. In the parking lot a little ways past our room sat three large vehicles. Their windows were tinted so dark it was impossible to judge if anyone was inside. "That's weird. The place looked deserted when I got to the room."

"Guess the front desk mystery is solved. It seems the wolves know how to hold a grudge, don't they?" Jasper closed the curtain and locked the deadbolt on the door, "Or maybe you just tend to bring that out in people. Either way, it seems we've got company."

"Shit," I cursed and went back to my bag to pack it again, it looked like a hot shower was off the menu for tonight. I froze when I saw a familiar chalice on the bed next to my stuff. It must have fallen out when I pulled out my toothbrush. Before I could grab my secret weapon and stuff it back into my bag, Jasper was at my side, "What the hell is that?" he asked.

"A cup?" I innocently answered.

_**0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0**_

Angela Weber and I were walking down the modest main street that made up Forks' downtown area. Dotted with small shops and capped on each end by the library and the sheriff's department, the tiny thoroughfare was the only place to go to kill time. Angela brought her camera so she could attempt to take candids of the locals around us. "Darn," she muttered, "there is literally _nothing_ to shoot today. God, I can't wait to get out of this town."

"Oh?" I said as I admired one of the library's window displays.

"Yeah," Angela sighed, "there's no inspiration here. I need to be around people, like all different types of people. I want to photograph their lives. And it's always raining! I can't get any decent light in this constantly shitty weather."

I smiled as I pulled my hood further over my head, "I know what you mean. I don't think I've been dry since I left Arizona!" We laughed together and I put a reassuring had on her arm, "You'll get out soon, we only have a year and some change until graduation." I turned back to the library window and felt Angela snap my photo. "You better burn that," I grumbled. The librarian was featuring the works of Sherman Alexie this month. A corkboard had the following quote printed out and posted, _"__Your past is a skeleton walking one step behind you and your future is a skeleton walking one step in front of you. Maybe you don't wear a watch, but your skeletons do, and they __**always**__ know what time it is.__"_ I frowned as I read the passage, suddenly chilled. After a moment we walked on toward the town's only diner for some lunch.

"How's your ankle doing since the accident?" Angela asked as we took up a booth in the back.

"S'okay," I shrugged, "it was only bruised a little."

"It's so crazy how it all went down," she said as she opened her menu, "Tyler's van is still in the shop. You got really lucky."

"Yeah," I agreed, "lucky." I looked down at my own menu and hoped she wouldn't press the issue. Though that strange, beautiful boy from Biology class said he was in the right place, at the right time, I still had my doubts. Something felt off about the whole ordeal, but I couldn't articulate what. Just as I was about to flag our waitress I saw something bright out of the corner of my eye. Turning around I caught the brilliant sight of Edward Cullen walking through the diner's front door. I felt myself gasp for oxygen as all the air was suddenly sucked out of the room.

Angela looked up from her menu, "You ok? What's up? You look like you just saw a ghost." I tilted my head in the direction of the door and she followed my gaze just as Edward took up a stool at the bar. "Oh," Angela squeaked, "what's he doing here? The Cullens _never_ come into town."

I shook my head and said, "I have no idea." I watched Edward talk with the waitress behind the bar for a few moments and then he handed her a bag of some kind. It looked like it was from a pharmacy. She seemed happy and grateful to receive the package, though his expression didn't really change.

Angela waved her hand in front of my face, "Helloooo? Anyone in there?"

"Um, I'm sorry," I shook my head and looked at her, "What were we talking about?"

Grinning, Angela coyly said, "Why don't you go talk to him?"

I almost fell out of our booth, "What? Like use words? On _him_? I can't – I wouldn't know what to say."

"How about 'Hi'?" Angela laughed, "I mean that's usually how these things start off –"

"Wait," I stopped her, "that's my Dad." She turned again and we both watched my father enter the diner with William Black from the Quileute reservation. They were looking for a table but spotted Edward first. As they closed in on him Angela and I looked at each other. "Do you want to find out what they're talking about?" she asked, a wicked grin on her face. I nodded an enthusiastic yes. "Come on!" Angela laughed as she grabbed my hand and hauled me out of our booth. She took us through the kitchen, to the surprised looks of the staff, and out the door closest to the end of the bar where Edward sat. Hunching down we crept into the serving station just beyond where my father was standing. I bit back adrenaline-fueled jitters as I strained my ears to listen to their conversation.

Over the clatter of the diner's noise I heard Charlie asking, "I have some odd reports of you at the scene of that accident at Forks High. How were you involved? What's your relationship with my daughter?" I felt myself blush as Angela tightened her grip on my shoulder, "Oh my God," she whispered, "they're talking about you!"

"I'm sorry to disappoint, Chief Swan," I heard Edward's melodic voice reply, "but we don't have a relationship."

"I saw you two talking at the hospital," Charlie pressed, "It looked pretty serious. Almost like you were arguing about her accident. You're telling me there's nothing that happened between the two of you?" I didn't know Charlie followed me when I went to talk to Edward. I should have known better than to confront the strange boy with my Dad so near. I was still getting used to the idea that my father was a seasoned detective.

"Nothing that meant anything," Edward replied a little less amicably.

"Of course not," Billy Black barked, "There's a reason you're always alone boy, isn't there." I was taken aback by the abrasiveness of Billy's comment. Why was he being so confrontational? "What was that about?" Angela whispered. I shrugged in bewilderment signaling that I had no idea.

"With all due respect," Edward bristled, "the way I live my life is my business. Now if that's all -"

"Not staying for lunch?" Charlie asked.

"I was dropping off a prescription for my father and now I'm leaving. Chief Swan. Mr. Black."

Angela shook my shoulder and motioned for me to follow her out. We ducked through the kitchen again and out the back door. She led me around the building, past a collection of putrid smelling dumpsters and out to the front. I grabbed her and pressed us both against the diner's brick wall just as Edward stepped out the door.

"Boy!" Someone called, "Edward!" Billy was hurriedly wheeling after him and was calling for Edward to stop.

Edward turned and said in exasperation, "Are you even allowed to talk to me? Isn't this a violation of some sort?"

I turned to Angela and mouthed, "Violation?" She shrugged in confusion.

"Don't talk semantics with me, Boy." Billy scolded, "I may have been a child when the treaty was struck, but I know it better than you ever will. Your life is your business until it involves me and mine. Stay away from Bella."

I jolted at the mention of my name. Angela covered her mouth to suppress a squeak.

"You may think you're doing nothing," from his wheelchair Billy jabbed Edward in the gut to emphasize his point, "but you're putting thoughts in her head. Thoughts that are not in her best interest. Stay away."

"This is different," Edward growled.

"It's always different," Billy countered, "Be worthy of your father. Remember why we keep our secret. The truth always ends in death, Cullen. Charlie's only daughter deserves better."

Edward turned to leave, "I'll tell Carlisle you said hello."

Angela pulled me back around the corner, her eyes wide, "What the hell was that? Do you know anything about the treaty they were talking about?"

"No," I shook my head, "But I'm going to find out."

On our way back to Angela's parked car we walked past the library again. This time I stopped in to grab the book that was featured in the display window. As Angela drove us home I flipped through the novel. A highlighted quote popped out of the pages, "_I could hear her breathing in the spaces between our words. How do you talk to the real person whose ghost has haunted you? How do you tell the difference between the two?" _Someone had scrawled 'Exactly' in an elegant script next to the highlighted quote. Exactly what? I wondered. Or who.

_**0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0**_

"I don't want to do this," I grumbled as I slumped further down into the jeep's passenger seat.

"Waiting gives the devil time," Jasper replied.

"I can't do this," I said and looked out the window. Across the street was the bar Billy Black had mentioned during our last confrontation. A rusty marquee spelled _The White Hart_ in faded letters. "Those SUV's last night – " I started to argue.

"Did nothing. _Meant nothing._" Jasper countered, "They were gone after an hour of bullshit posturing. Forget about them."

"But who were they? What if they're here now?" I asked petulantly.

"We've been over this Bella," Jasper reminded me with a touch of exasperation, "You need to go in there and find out what they have planned for us. You have to figure out where they're keeping Edward. You have to do this."

"What if they grab me?" I asked in a sudden panic, "What if they try to hurt me? What if it's a dead end? What if –" Jasper smacked me across the mouth and I gasped in shock as I held an unsteady hand to my bleeding lip, "Ow! What the hell, Jasper?!"

"That's enough," he growled. "You wanna cry on my cold, undead shoulder? It's bad enough you decided to hide Carlisle's weapons from me. Now you wanna run away when we're this close to finding my brother? No. No way. You're here because I say you're one of us. You're one of us because I've seen you fight. I want someone like that on our side." He leaned over and shoved the passenger door open, "But if I'm wrong," he warned, "If you're just a whining teenager who's gonna freak out in hostile territory and cost me time, then get out of this car and go die somewhere. Edward's life is in our hands."

I nodded as I fought back indignant tears, "Can you promise that I'll come back from this?"

"…No," Jasper said plainly, "And if you do come back, to me, to Edward and Forks, you won't be the same."

"That's what I thought," I admitted glumly. After a minute I said, "You'll wait for me?"

"Always," he replied. I nodded again and took a shaking step out of the jeep. "Don't forget the plan," Jasper said as he shut the door behind me. I took a deep breath and headed toward the rundown bar, clutching the secret weapon Jasper asked me to hide up my sleeve. "Crybaby," I grumbled to myself as I wiped away my tears and walked across the street.

The heavy exterior door swung open to reveal a dim, red interior. Rusty red booths, carpeted red walls and gold-flecked mirrors all framed a large mahogany bar. Behind me the bright noonday sun invaded the hazy space and cast an unflattering light on the barflies scattered around the room. A lo-fi country song was playing on a vintage jukebox by the bar. _"There ain't no grave_ c_an hold my body down_,"a lonesome man warbled over his guitar, _"There ain't no grave can hold my body down_. _When I hear that trumpet sound_, _I'm gonna rise right out of the ground_."

Few people bothered to turn as I walked in; the costumers seemed content to peacefully continue with their midday drinking. This wasn't the reception I was expecting. Being underage I had no idea what to do next so, looking as ridiculous as I felt, I walked up to the bar and ordered a coke. The bartender looked me over, "Passing through?" he asked. He wasn't as rough as his customers, though he still looked a little worn around the edges. His arms were heavily tattooed, and his dull blond hair was slicked back into a greasy pompadour.

I pretended to listen to the music while I thought through my answer. "_Well, look way down the river and what do you think I see?_" The lonesome man asked his deaf audience, "_I see a band of angels and they're coming after me. Ain't no grave can hold my body down,_" he insisted as his fingers plucked a somber melody, "_There ain't no grave._" The record whirled, flipped and after a few clicks and pops a new song started to play.

I took my drink and said, "Sort of. I'm looking for something I lost."

"Oh," he said casually, "at the bar?"

"No," I answered in what I hoped was an equally casual tone, "but someone told me this was good place to start looking." I plunked down the trophy I always wore around my neck. The man looked at it and asked, "What's that?"

I nodded at the small satchel and said, "Why don't you find out?"

He smirked at me and shrugged, deciding to play along. But his smile vanished as soon as Edward's finger tumbled out onto the bar top. "Holy shit!" he cried, "Is that thing real?" But his question was answered as the severed finger began to twitch gruesomely. He looked at me with malice this time and hissed, "Who sent you here?"

"William Black," I answered with a surprisingly even tone, "Grandson of Ephraim Black, the last chief of the Quileute tribe of the northwest territory."

"Who?" the bartender asked in bewilderment. My momentary courage fell as I realized he didn't know anything. I snatched the finger off of bar and shoved it back into it's pouch. "William Black." I repeated incredulously, "Or Billy. Some call him Billy. His son is Jacob Black of the wolf – "

"Swan!" A voice abruptly called behind me. I turned to see the unwelcome sight of Quil Ateara, Jacob's cousin and closest friend. He ambled toward me with an easy smile and open arms, "Glad to see you found the place."

"You know her?" the bartender asked.

"Sure," Quil laughed, "Bella and I are old friends." He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me in, "Aren't we?"

"That's one way to put it," I mumbled and shrugged out of his embrace. But he grabbed my arm and said, "I've got a table in the back."

I shook him off as calmly as I could without rousing the suspicion of the people around us. "Lead the way," I ground through my teeth.

"Whoa," the bartender said as he puffed up his chest, "hold on. What's going on here? What's up with that finger?"

"Everything's fine," Quil smiled, though his friendly attitude had vanished.

The bartender crossed his arms, emphasizing his collection of ornate tattoos, "It doesn't look fine," he insisted.

"Heh," Quil laughed, "You might want to get to know her better before you become her White Knight."

"Oh, I get it," the man leaned over the bar, "You're one of those guys who's just waiting around to get his teeth kicked in."

"Take it from me, Man," Quil said as he grabbed my arm again and pulled me to the back of the bar, "life's too short." The bartender gave us a skeptical look but wisely decided to drop it. I was equally relieved and disappointed he didn't rescue me from the arms of my enemy.

"So you totally freaked that guy out," Quil said as we walked toward a lone table in the back, "What'd you say to him?"

"It was more of what I showed him," I shrugged, "I assumed the bar would be cool with you guys so I sort of showed him a piece of Edward. His, um, index finger. And it, you know, sort of moved on it's own while he watched."

"Well what genius thought that up?!" he shouted disbelievingly.

"Uh….this one?" I pointed to myself and flinched. It was becoming increasingly obvious I just fucked up. Bad.

"Oh for the love of –" Quil sat me down at his table and took up the seat across from me, "Just because Billy sent you here, it doesn't mean the whole goddamn town is in on this. You have to _think_, Bella. Come on!"

"Look," I stammered, "I can't be expected to –"

"No you look," Quil cut through my excuse, "this isn't a game."

"_I know that_," I growled, "I'm doing my best considering my undead boyfriend was torn apart by a pack of mutant wolf-boys."

"Wolf-_men_," Quil snottily corrected.

"Just because you're an absolute horror of a human being, it doesn't make you a man," I retorted as I tightened my grip on the weapon up my sleeve.

"Sure Bella," Quil snorted, "_we're_ the horrors. Whatever lets you sleep at night. Honestly I'll never get you and that monster as a couple."

"How could you?" I sighed, "You don't get anything about who he really is."

"I know exactly who he is," Quil contended, "He's a _vampire._ A calculating, manipulative, predatory, murderous animal. He doesn't care about humans or their stupid little lives."

"You don't know what you're talking about," I stubbornly huffed.

"Maybe," Quil said as he regarded me skeptically. "Did I ever tell you I met Edward when I was a kid?"

"No," I said with surprise, "I thought his family came to Forks shortly before I moved from Arizona."

"They did," Quil agreed, "for the third time. Your precious Bloodsucker visited with his Alpha over a decade ago. They were trying to set up their new home after some fiasco forced them to leave Canada. And, because of the treaty I guess, they had to tell Billy they were planning on moving back to Washington."

"That makes sense I guess," I nodded, "I knew Billy had met them a few times in the past."

"Well, I didn't get the particular pleasure of meeting your Bloodsucker, really." Quil admitted and then his voice dropped an octave, "I was unlucky enough to catch the monster feeding."

"On your land?" I asked dubiously. I was pretty sure vampire hunting was impermissible within the parameters of the Cullen/Quileute treaty. Quil nodded, "Yep. I was waiting for my father to be done with an important meeting and I remember playing at a playground across the street from the town hall. After a while I went to have a piss and when I came back, there's your boyfriend out near the edge of the forest." Something in Quil's voice made me shudder; it was like he was telling his story with the same unease a child has when they talk about the bogeyman. I didn't like him talking about Edward like that.

"He was clean-cut, good looking," Quil admitted, "but pale. Even then I knew something wrong with him. Then I noticed blood on the ground around his feet and I saw behind him, slumped in the dirt in big a heap of fur, was a deer. And I knew that deer wasn't sleeping. I knew it was dead, even though I was too young to know what death really was. And I knew that spooky man in the forest had killed the deer, though I didn't understand why."

I tried my best to look aloof, but I had to hold my hands together to keep them from shaking. I never heard a scary story about Edward before, though I told myself I had nothing to be afraid of. It was difficult to detach the man I loved from the terror in Quil's memory. _It's real_, my mind whispered, _he's telling you the truth. Edward is the liar._ I shook my head, frustrated by my wandering thoughts, and tried to patiently listen to the rest of Quil's story.

"He locked eyes with me," the young werewolf murmured, "and I'm telling you, I've never been so afraid in all my life. It wasn't a fear that he was going to hurt me. It was more of a sense that he saw right through me – into my heart - and he could crush it if it'd please him." His open hand squeezed shut and I flinched. "But he didn't. He just raised one finger to his bloody lips and gestured for me to be quiet." Quil turned his head away and looked a little ill as he confessed, "I stayed quiet. And then he was gone. My father found me soon after and he looked really worried. I could tell something was wrong. It was a long time after that day I realized we were worried about the same thing."

As I listened I tried to understand the impact the Cullen's had on the Quileute tribe. Jacob once told me his genetic code shifted when he was exposed to vampires for the first time. A shift that eventually happened to all the members of his pack, though not all at once. Sam Uley was first, followed by Jared Cameron, Paul Lahote, Embry Call, Jacob, Quil, and the siblings Leah and Seth Clearwater. The more time the tribe spent living near their natural enemy, the more of their children inevitably shifted into monsters. Generations of innocent people were impacted by Carlisle's decision to live in the sleepy town of Forks, Washington. And it stood to reason nothing would have happened if the Cullens had elected to stay away.

I wondered if Edward was aware of the far-reaching consequences of his family's choice. I wondered if he cared.

Quil's naturally easygoing grin fell into a scowl, "That night I couldn't sleep because, for the first time in my whole life, I felt unsafe. And that feeling never went away. At least now I'm able to do something about it." He gestured to someone behind me and another boy, about my age, circled around to our table and stood by Quil. The boy folded his arms across his chest and glared at me with unveiled hostility.

"But the Cullens held true to your agreement. They honored the treaty," I protested.

"Technically," Quil reasoned, "Though they didn't uphold the spirit of the arrangement. They weren't suppose to have such an impact on the humans in our territory."

"So it's war then?" I laughed in disbelief.

"Yes," Quil answered without humor. He signaled to his friend and said, "You can show her now." I watched curiously as the boy unslung his backpack and started rummaging around inside. My curiosity gave way to rage as he pulled out a large glass jar containing a single, stillborn heart. He plunked his trophy down on the table in front of me. "There's more where that came from," Quil jeered. I scowled as realized these feral children were going to get us all killed. "Don't threaten me," I warned, "you won't like the outcome."

"That so?" Quil smiled. His friend gave a cruel laugh and I bristled at their arrogance. They don't know me. They have no idea what I'm capable of. "Quil," I sighed, "I never liked you," I scraped my chair against the linoleum and calmly rose from the table. "But," I continued, "that shouldn't suggest I don't respect you. So I'm very, very sorry for what I'm about to do."

Quickly, within the span of a breath, I slipped a hi-voltage cattle prod out of my jacket sleeve and switched it on. I felt myself grin as a powerful electric hum vibrated up my arm. "The fuck?" Quil managed to say before I jammed the electrified weapon straight between his ribs.

_**0-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-0**_

Charlie rapped sharply at my bedroom door and then shoved it open, "Oh gee?" he said dramatically "Did I wake you? I guess you haven't been murdered in the night then."

"Dad," I groaned and covered my eyes when he opened my window shade to let the light in, "what the heck? Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Charlie turned around, "Yeah, it's almost 1 in the afternoon."

"Oh," I sat up, "So I guess righteous indignation isn't the right tone then?"

"No," he frowned, "it's not. What time did you get in last night?"

"2 I think?" I winced.

"2 in the morning!" He yelled, "Jesus, Bells." He gestured angrily, "Your mom would kill me if she found out. What were you doing out so late? Prom ended at midnight."

"Oh," I cleared my throat and started pulling bobby pins and tiny flowers out of my mussed braded and curled updo, "nothing much."

He crossed his arms, "You stayed out with Edward didn't you?"

"Um, yeah?" I shrunk back.

"You know," Charlie sighed, "you don't have to tiptoe around me like I'm some sort of hysterical nut job."

I sighed in relief, "There are many words I'd use to describe you, Dad, and hysterical isn't one of them."

"Well," he smiled sardonically and lobbed a pillow at my head, "if you want to see me go crazy try staying in bed for another hour. Get up."

"I'm up." I groaned, "I just need a sec."

"Uh-huh," he headed for the door, "I'm going to the store to pick up some lures for fishing tomorrow. I want to see this room picked up and you starting on your chores by the time I get back."

"Say hi to the Newtons for me," I smiled.

"Will do," he said and shut the door after him.

"Thought he'd never leave," Edward said as he crawled out from under the bed and climbed back in. I snuggled against his chest and smiled, "I didn't want last night to end. It's always sad to go home after a night like that. You just know that the song playing next or the song after that is going to be the most beautiful thing you've ever heard in your whole life and you'll be pulled away, missing it forever."

Edward kissed my forehead, "You dance very well for a person who doesn't dance."

"Well I had a good partner," I weaved my fingers between his, "And I swear I caught you smiling more than once."

"Maybe," he admitted.

"Do you know you almost never smile?" I closed my eyes as he lightly squeezed his hand around mine. I could get used to Sundays in bed with Edward.

"I smile!" he grumbled.

"Sometimes," I laughed, "You know when I first met you I caught you smiling at me?"

"Really?" He said surprised, "I thought I scared you."

"You did. But you also smiled, like something I said was funny – but I didn't say anything. And I felt….well, it's almost impossible to describe. I felt as if someone had given me the most enormous, beautiful present." I snuggled closer to him and began kissing his neck and earlobe.

Edward tensed, "What are you doing? Stop." He gently pushed me into a sitting position.

I crossed my arms, "It's what people do, Edward. They buy each other flowers and they go on walks in the park. They kiss in bed–"

"You know me," he argued, "This stuff _freaks_ me out." He gracefully climbed out of my bed and walked over to the window, "And for a good reason." He sternly added while running his hands through his tousled red hair, "What's wrong with what we're doing? It's working. We don't have to fight –"

"Yeah," I cut him short, "Well maybe I want to fight."

"Well maybe _I don't_," he sighed.

"What are you going to do?" I asked exasperatedly, "You're just never going to feel anything? How's that even possible?"

Edward tempered his tone and returned to the bed to sit next to me. "It's not that," he said delicately, "You're offering me a return to a more human world and I'm very, very grateful. But –"

"But what?" I asked, "What's the matter with that?"

He frowned and looked like he was going to say something then thought better of it. "I think it's going to be more complicated than you imagine," he said.

I grabbed his hand and kissed his palm, "Then we'll face those complications," I nodded bravely, "together."

Something changed in Edward's face, it softened and he looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. Just as I was about to ask what was wrong he smiled and said, "Marry me?"

I raised my eyebrow and decided to play along, "Sure."

"Today?" he asked a little too eagerly.

"Ha," I laughed and got out of bed and grabbed my jeans. A sparkly, too expensive for my taste, formal dress was slung over a chair in the corner of my room. As I looked at the discarded dress it dawned on me that another year of school was over. I couldn't believe a guy like Edward took me to prom. So much had changed in a year.

"No. I'm serious," he turned toward me as I shuffled about the room.

"I'm not getting _married,_" I laughed.

"Why not?" Edward asked, confused.

"What do you mean "Why not"!?" I threw a pillow lightly at his head. He caught it effortlessly and set it aside. I huffed, "Think about it."

"Well besides being too young," he ticked off his reasons on one hand, "having no place to live, you feeling a little awkward being the only student at Forks High with a husband," Edward laughed mischievously, "give me _one_ good reason why not!"

I hiked my jeans up and pulled my sleep shirt off. Edward turned around in embarrassment and I rolled my eyes, "I'll give you two good reasons why not: my mother and my father." I grabbed my favorite Sunday flannel and pulled it over my head, "They were married and they hate each other. You've seen them, am I right?"

"So what?" he grumbled. I circled around to him and crawled in his lap. To my surprise he put his arms around me and drew me closer. "If you weren't so deadly serious about all of this," I murmured, "it'd be terribly funny."

"I love you," he gruffly replied as I blushed into his chest, "The heart wants what it wants."

"True love," I huffed, "what does that even mean, anyway?"

"It means finding a love that changes you," Edward asserted, "That shakes you to your core." I laughed at his earnestness and he laughed but insisted, "Seriously! There's not an unlimited amount of love in the world. It's _rare._" I nodded and ran my hands over his chest and breathed heavily into his mouth, "Mm-hmm." I leaned in for a kiss and he returned the gesture, "You're so different from me," I pointed out in-between kisses, "You believe, you act. You love, you marry."

Edward groaned, "How wonderful I'd be if I really lived up to your description."

"You do," I insisted between nuzzling his neck and licking his bottom lip, "I'm _telling_ you."

He grabbed my waist and pulled me toward him, "Should I show you how wrong you are?"

I shivered as he blew his cool breath into the curve of my neck, "No," I crooned, "Because I'm not wrong."

"Ever?" I could feel him smile.

"Never, ever," I argued as I straddled his lap and tossed my hair to the side. He was painfully hard beneath me, "It's my superpower."

"And what a wonderful power for a wife to have," Edward suggested. His eyes rolled back when I subtly rolled my hips. Satisfied with his response I did it again with more force, "Or a girlfriend," I countered in between the pleasurable trembling that was shooting up and down my spine. My whole body was quickly becoming a live wire.

Edward was panting and could barley argue with me. His hands gripped me firmly and pushed me down onto the bed, "Marry me," he growled.

"Shut up," I said and covered his mouth with mine. He hitched my legs up around his hips and we both moaned loudly with the contact.

If this was marriage, I thought, I'll take it any way I can get it. I could dance like this for the rest of my life.

**END PART IV, CHAPTER 1**


	15. Part IV, Chapter 2

_Aaaannd we're back! Apologies for the long gap between updates – but hopefully this extra long section will make up for lost time. _

_Again, this universe belongs Stephanie Meyer; I'm just creating a small world within. _

_Cheers,_

_Dixie Lou_

* * *

PART IV

BPOV

2

"Do you remember this place?" Jake asked as walked up behind me and put his strong arms around my waist. His chin rested against my shoulder as we both stared out across the water.

"Yes," I said, "It's the place where we watched whales when we were kids. It looks different…" the ocean below heaved and rolled, but instead of thousands of diamonds on the water's surface, all I could see was gray-green emptiness. The shimmering waters of my childhood turned out to be nothing more than the sun's ordinary reflection on the Pacific. "You used to get so close to the edge of the cliff it scared me. I remember thinking you'd fall off."

"You've always worried too much," he squeezed my waist and whispered into my ear, "and it's starting to show."

"And you never worry about anything," I scoffed, "Remember the diving cliffs on First Beach? Easily a hundred foot drop and you didn't care."

He laughed, "Well there was nothing to be afraid of. Until you told my father, that is."

I smiled at the memory of getting into trouble for being so near the diving cliffs, though we just wanted to see what fun all the older teenagers were having. That was the summer we followed Jacob's 16-year-old sister and her friends around like puppy dogs, grabbing at whatever scraps of cool they threw our way. When Jacob decided to dive off the cliff with the other boys, he didn't surface right away. One by one I watched heads bob among the surf, holding my breath as I waited for him to appear. It was hands down the scariest moment of my life up until that point. By the time he did surface, unharmed, I was so upset I ran off and found his father. "These cliffs are twice the size," I challenged, "and you'd probably jump right off the edge without even thinking about it."

"Like this?" Jacob scooted around me and stood on the precipice with his back to the ocean. A strong wind whipped his long black hair around his face and pressed his t-shirt against his body. He spread his arms like they were wings and smiled back at me.

"No," I pleaded, "please don't. Come back here."

"Not gonna happen," he laughed.

"Come on," I pleaded again, panic raising in my voice, "You're upsetting me. Please just come here." I reached out for him but I was afraid grabbing him would send Jacob tumbling over the edge and down to the icy water below. "No," Jake laughed, "I like it here, this is the best part." He closed his eyes and raised his hands up to the sky. With his palms turned to the sun, it looked like he was praying to an ancient god. "But you might fall," I argued as another strong gust of wind caused Jacob to take a step forward and me a step back, "which means you could die! Come on, just please come over here next to me where it's safe."

"No," Jake opened his arms, "you come here."

"No way!" I backed up as he leaned toward me.

"Bella calm down. You're totally freaking about nothing," he scolded.

"I am not!" I huffed.

"You _are_," he said leaving little room for argument, "Can I tell you why you won't come here?" he asked.

"Because we might fall," I rolled my eyes sarcastically.

"Bella, there's no way I'd fall unless I jump," he pointed out, "There's no way. And I don't want to jump." Jake came away from the edge and stood in front of me with his arms crossed, "You do," he accused, "You _want_ to jump. And that's why you won't come here." Jake gestured out toward the ocean, "Because a tiny part of you just wants to leap right off this cliff. It would be so easy and that scares you. But I don't want to jump," he pointed to himself, "So I'm not afraid. I would never do that – I like my life. I want to see what happens next."

"I like my life," I protested.

Jacob looked at me skeptically, "Bells, I practically had to drag you out of your room today –"

"What I'm going through is temporary!" I shouted as I turned and walked back down the hiking trail. Jake caught up to me and shouted back, "Everything is temporary! That doesn't excuse anything." He grabbed my hand to halt my retreat. I didn't struggle out of his grip, but I didn't give into it either. "Come on, Bella. You're holding something back," he sighed, "when we were kids you used to tell me everything. I miss that."

I shrugged, "Nothing's changed. I don't treat you any different."

"But you've been acting so guarded. Like you're protecting yourself," Jacob huffed.

"Against what?" I argued as I crossed my arms to fight a chill. The wind was quickly picking up in anticipation of a late afternoon storm and the air smelled damp with oncoming rain. "Just because I don't get emotional –"

"I would literally die of shock if you showed any emotion right now," Jacob exclaimed, "I mean, I'm talking about a total lack of feelings here. Are you even aware you're putting up a serious wall between you and the world? "

"A wall?" I scoffed, "No I'm not." He looked at me skeptically and I gave in a little, "Okay, maybe I am. Sometimes," I grumbled.

"And that wall is good, really," he sighed, "It's helping you heal and survive. I get it. But have you ever thought by protecting yourself you might be keeping other things out?" Jake slung his threadbare hoodie around my shoulders without asking if I wanted it. "Oh really," I frowned, "Like what?"

"Like love," he answered plainly. "You're pretending like you're this person who doesn't need anyone, who doesn't need to depend on other people. But no one can live like that. And you shouldn't have to."

"You're looking for things that aren't even there," I argued, "I mean, I told you how all this would be from the first moment you tried to hold my hand at that dumb movie. I didn't hide anything from you, Jacob."

"Yeah but I want you to be here with me today because you want to be here," Jacob argued, "Not because I forced you. Or that you wish I was someone else." He looked genuinely hurt and I felt a sharp pang of guilt, "Come on, Jake," I looked down and shuffled my sneakers through the dirt.

"No you're right," he threw up his hands in defeat, "I did see this coming. You did warn me. And I was naïve enough to go for it anyway." His deep voice raised an octave, "And do you want to know why? Because I love you so fucking much and I think I'm lucky. Ha, I think _I'm _the lucky one because I can have you for just as long as that Bloodsucker will let me. Don't think I don't know that the _second_ he comes waltzing back into town whatever _this_ is," he gestured between us, "is over. I know that Bella. I _know _it, but I still don't care. The pain, the fear of that day coming, all of it is worth it because I get to be with you."

"Jake," I murmured, "I care about you, you know that. But a lot of things are different now, for both of us," I took his hands in mine, "I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the day after, but we don't have to go through today alone…"

"No," he slipped out of my hold, "That wouldn't be a relationship Bella. _It's a lie._ You wanna throw your life away?" He gestured toward the cliff's edge, "Go ahead. I won't stop you. I know things are messed up right now, but I believe you and I aren't here to make things perfect. Love isn't perfect. You could at least give me a chance. A _real_ chance."

The silence between us was palpable and it was clear Jacob had nothing more to say to me. For a long while all I could hear was the wind blowing through the trees and the ocean beating against the shore. "You know," I hesitantly said, "I don't think things need to be perfect. I believe the love and hate we're feeling is the same thing. It all comes from the same place."

"Oh yeah?" he scoffed, "From where?"

"Your dreams," I answered quietly, "If we stopped dreaming we wouldn't feel anything anymore. I think, maybe, that's what's happening to us right now. We just have different dreams."

"Interesting," he said in a way that implied he didn't believe a word of it. Then he added, "I think we found each other just to break our own hearts." Jacob turned away from me and looked up at the sky, "Looks like rain," he said over his shoulder, "we'd better head back."

I looked out toward the rolling ocean. Dark clouds had gathered beyond the trees and a sheet of rain was falling along the horizon. It wouldn't be long before the storm reached our quiet shore. The air around me felt electrified and I inhaled deeply, taking a moment to clear my head. Maybe the sky would lend me some of its power if I drank enough of it in. Maybe I could just exhale and blow the whole world away in a single terrible breath. Sighing, I wrapped Jacob's sweatshirt tightly around myself and followed him down the trail toward home. He stopped when he noticed I was following and turned toward me. "I'm sorry," he softly apologized as he grabbed my hand, "I know it hasn't been easy for you. But what are we doing here? Sometimes I wonder if you even like me…."

I looked up at him through my eyelashes, "I do. Sometimes."

Jacob pulled me closer and I felt the heat radiating off of his body, "But you like what I do to you." He kissed me then, his lips soft and inviting. The sky gave a sharp rumble and drops of rain started to fall around us. I didn't stop the kiss; I opened my mouth and led him deeper inside. Without breaking our connection he pulled us off the path and pushed my back against the closest tree. I gasped as his strong hands lifted me up off of the ground and instinctively I wrapped my legs around his waist.

"We don't have to do this," I gasped.

"Yes we do," he breathed as he continued sucking and licking his way down my neck.

"Tell me you love me," I demanded as his mouth traveled across my jaw, hungrily seeking any exposed flesh.

"I love you," he murmured, "You know I do." His hands were all over my body, grasping and pawing at my curves.

I grabbed his face between my hands and stared into his eyes, "Tell me you want me," I commanded and then moaned as his hips collided with the heat at my center. Jacob's eyes clouded over with desire, "I'll always want you," he growled before his lips crashed against mine. Pouring rain blanketed us in icy sheets of water, but I didn't shiver against the chill. My skin felt like molten lava flowing underneath the heat of his touch. I was never cold while Jacob was near; he burned like the sun.

Afterwards, as we lay entwined on wet ground, he whispered into my ear, "Bella, stay." His words landed softly around the quiet forest floor, so soft that only I could hear them. "Please," he whispered, "I want you to stay with me forever."

I looked up at the canopy of leaves overhead, straining my eyes until all the greens blurred into formless shadows and I said nothing**.**

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I leapt away as Quil convulsed violently and fell to the floor. Quickly, knowing he could transform into a wolf any moment, I rolled him onto his back and stabbed a hypodermic needle into his throat. He managed to focus his bloodshot eyes on me as I depressed the needle's plunger and started to weakly thrash around before sinking into unconsciousness. "You!" his friend roared and made to grab my arm. I darted to the side and wacked him with the charged cattle prod. It grazed his cheek and sent him reeling into the table behind us. Satisfied, I ran for the door just as a white blur zoomed past me.

The whole bar watched as Quil's friend inexplicably flew across the room and smashed into a far wall. Then Quil himself disappeared from the ground. I left the way I came, meeting no resistance as I scrambled for the exit. The scattered spectators were paralyzed with fear, their eyes wide and mouths hanging open. Wolf or vampire it didn't make an ounce of difference to them, they just didn't want to die.

Jasper dragged our unconscious victim outside and into our nearby jeep. Waiting inside the jeep for Quil was a cinderblock, a 9mm USP and me. I wanted all the tribal Elders to know the game had changed. I had to make an example of this arrogant boy and send a message loud and clear that the party was over. In the background people started running out of the bar, giving our car a wide berth as they escaped. Some of the women had started to scream as they were being pulled out the door.

Quil regained consciousness just as Jasper had his hand splayed across the cinderblock. The sedative I gave him seemed to be keeping him in his human form, but there was no telling how fast his body would metabolize Carlisle's drug.

"Hey Quil," I pulled his limp head up by the hair, "I wasn't sure you were going to wake up. You had me worried."

"What the hell…?" he asked groggily, "What do you want?"

"We want to torture you," Jasper smiled. Quil recoiled as best he could in the small space, but could only manage to wedge himself against the car seats. "I use to really enjoy torturing," Jasper sighed as he grabbed the boy by his hair and dragged him back toward us, "and it's literally been ages. I mean, the last time I tortured somebody they didn't even _have_ chainsaws." I jammed the barrel of my gun into Quil's mouth and he quailed in muffled protest. He started to buck pointlessly against Jasper's unnaturally strong grip and I had to pull the weapon out of his mouth before he broke his teeth against the metal. "Why can't I phase?!" he screamed. Instead of answering I scooted forward and rested the gun's nose on Quil's restrained hand. "I'm just curious," I said as I clicked off the USP's safety, "I've seen you run on all fours. You always run on all fours when you're a wolf. Not two or three. What's that called?" I asked Jasper. Quil looked up at me with a confused and terrified expression.

"Quadrupedalism," Jasper growled.

"Right," I nodded, "You're a quadruped, aren't you Quil?"

"Y-yes," Quil mumbled in agreement.

"Can you run with three paws? Like a – what would that be called?" I asked Jasper again.

"Tripedalism," Jasper answered.

Quil shook his head and gave me a choked, "No."

"You can't run with three paws?" I asked again, inching my face uncomfortably close to his.

"No," Quil sniveled.

"You can't use three?" I asked again, pressing my cold weapon into his soft flesh.

"No," Quil whined, "I – I never tried."

"So you need all four?" I asked sympathetically as I withdrew and clicked the gun's safety back on. Quil exhaled in relief and hesitantly answered, "Y-yeah." I signaled to Jasper and he brought down his stone fist like a hammer, smashing Quil's right hand four times against the cinderblock. Blood squirted everywhere as his bones crunched audibly. Quil wailed in agony and bucked like a wild animal. I nodded for Jasper to stop on the fifth blow, "Now you're going to have to learn to use three," I told him.

We let Quil collapse to the floor, his cries dying into pathetic whimpers as he cupped his mangled hand to his chest. Jasper jumped out of the car and headed into the bar once more. After a few long moments the back of the jeep swung open. Jasper had Quil's friend by the arm, his grip tightening as our next victim registered the scene before him. "I caught this boy trying to sneak out the back," Jasper growled.

Quil whimpered, clutching his bloody, banged up appendage, "Look what they did to my hand, Man!" His friend's eyes widened with naked horror and all the color drained from his russet skin.

I turned to the other kid, swinging my legs out of the jeep so I could sit in front of him, "Alright, I'm going to give you a choice." The boy struggled a little, but Jasper pinched his arm painfully. I waved the dangerous looking 9mm at him, "You can either keep what you have of Edward Cullen and get more of the same, or you can walk away. You can't have both. What do you want?"

"I just want to get out of here," the boy muttered lamely.

I pointed the gun at his head, "And don't forget to tell your friends what happens when they fuck with the Cullens. You understand?"

He nodded vigorously, "I'm sorry, I made a bad mistake."

"You're fucking right you made a bad mistake," I agreed. I jabbed the gun barrel into the boy's temple as Jasper held him captive, "You're going to tell everyone you know to return what they stole. You're going to tell them to find this jeep parked in front of this bar and place whatever they have inside by midnight tonight. No wolves, no cops. And if I catch you or your friends with any more pieces of Edward Cullen or if I hear you ratted us out to whatever backwater authority you have in this shit-stain town, we're going to find you and break your skull and you won't fucking walk away from us again. You get what I'm saying?" I grabbed his shirt and snarled in his face, "_We will end you_. We'll find your friends and your parents and your parents' friends. We'll burn down the houses they live in, the stores they work in. Do you see your friend? He lost his hand, but you'll loose your life. You got it?"

He nodded again, "Yes. Thank you."

I held out my hands, "Now give me that goddamn heart." Quil's friend slung his backpack down on the ground and stooped to retrieve the glass jar. He shoved it toward me with shaking hands and then ran as soon as Jasper let go of his arm. I looked at the jar as Edward's cold, dead heart rattled around inside. It was a small, but important piece to win back from the wolves.

I glanced at Quil, who was looking close to passing out again, "Do you have anything to give me?" I asked him. He reached a shaking hand into his pocket and pulled out a small parcel. I took it and unraveled the cloth, revealing a pinky finger and toe. Fighting back my rolling nausea, I lovingly placed the items in the jar with Edward's heart. "You won't get away with this," Quil wheezed, "Y-you'll pay with your blood."

"He's no use to us anymore," I sneered, "throw him in the alley with the other garbage." Jasper knocked Quil unconscious with a swift snap of his arm and tossed him onto the ground beside the jeep. Then he turned to me, "Bella, you have to take it easy. That was some pretty serious shit you said…. I know you're angry. You have every right to be. But angry makes you stupid. And stupid gets you killed."

I grimaced, "I know how this game is played, Jasper. I knew ever since I put Alice's goddamn head back onto her body. It just took this," I tossed him the jar with Edward's shriveled heart, "for me to realize what I need to do about it. I'm going to burn it all down," I confessed in a flat, hollow voice, "every last piece of their fucked up world. And then I'm going to dance on top of the ashes of everything they ever loved."

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Though the adults tried very hard to hide it, I could always tell when someone had died. There was a silence in the house, like a hush had crept out of the walls to blanket our living room with muffled sorrow. Charlie would come home in the early morning hours or talk low on the kitchen phone to people I had never met before. He would purse his lips and stare at me while I played with my toys. Renee would busy herself around the house in a false cheer. Something had happened at his work, someone was gone forever and he couldn't save them. As a child I couldn't comprehend what "gone forever" truly meant, but it didn't stop me from drawing my own conclusions.

I never thought Charlie would call one day, years after my mother and I abandoned a rainy place called Forks, to tell us someone we knew was gone forever. Sarah, Billy, names I knew but people I didn't remember, and Jacob Black, a name that sounded like childhood. I remembered him and his strange, small town that was next to Forks, but was absolutely not Forks. With its little playground by the courthouse and funny neighborhoods made of trailers surrounded by large, wild yards that blended with the ever-present forest. We played together, our fathers liked to talk and drink beer on the back porch. Fishing. I remember the endless fishing trips and Billy gutting salmon in a little shed out back. But Jacob's mother was dead? That couldn't be – mothers don't just die. She painted pictures of their strange, small town and its secret beaches. She was a good painter and a good mother and mothers don't just die, they don't just become gone forever like that, like nothing.

After she hung up the phone Renee was explaining that we had to pack, that we had to catch a flight to Port Angeles. "You're 13 years old now Bella," she was telling me as I helped her fold my pajamas and socks, "you're old enough to go to the funeral. Now fetch your good dress, the blue one, and see if it still fits."

The flight was long and dark for most of the way. Out of the cabin window I could see the outline of cities in dotted yellow lights. The bright clusters would swell and fade, sending out lighted tendrils to the next city we came across. All light stopped at the coast and as we flew over black water I couldn't help but shudder at the sight of that yawning emptiness.

It was either very late or very early by the time we arrived at Charlie's house. I felt him gently opening my passenger door and waking me up from a deep sleep. Then he escorted me through a familiar threshold and up to my old nursery. The child's bed was gone, as were many of my toys, but it still felt like the room where I had learned how to live for the first time. A simple twin bed was now in one corner, by the window, and a desk sat opposite it with a newer looking computer. Charlie set my bag on the bed and hugged me a little too tightly. "It's good to see you, Bells," he sighed. "Bathroom's across the hall. It's late, try and get some sleep. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow." I nodded sleepily as Renee appeared in the doorway, "Goodnight Baby, we'll see you in a few hours." She sounded exhausted; I was surprised to see they were both too tired to set about their typical pattern of petty bickering. Renee smiled sadly and closed my bedroom door, leaving me to sort through what this ominous tomorrow might bring.

"Oh Charlie, I can't believe she's gone," I heard my mother sob through the door.

"Ssshhh," Charlie cooed, "I know. I know."

"What will William do? Poor man….with all those children," she muttered through her tears, "Sarah was such a good person, so happy. They must be devastated."

"It's killing us all," Charlie agreed, "But not as much as Jacob. Everyone thinks he's going to die right along with her."

"That poor boy," Renee sniffled, "At his age how can he understand what's happening?"

"Billy said day after day he's staying out in the forest, alone." Charlie sighed heavily, "His heart's broken but it keeps beating all the same. He walks and he talks, but no one's home. It's like he's retreated into his own world."

"It's a shame," Renee wept, "such a shame."

I sunk down to the floor next to the door and listened as my parents said their goodnights and went to separate beds. Poor Jacob. Poor Sarah. It all seemed so surreal.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

We pulled into the parking lot of a fancy looking house with a large, formal sign that read "Romero Family Funeral Home". The building looked like it had been an estate at one time, a grand colonial mansion set among the dense forest. The window awnings were branded with the company logo and a large asphalt parking lot gave the historic property an office-like feel.

We arrived early and very few cars were parked in the lot. A group of 20- somethings wearing all black were awkwardly hanging out at the entrance while a few families were shuffling in through the front doors. I recognized Billy Black, though he was now limping with the use of a cane. He looked pale and drawn thin, like he hadn't been sleeping. I also recognized his daughters, but I couldn't remember their names. We use to play together, but now the girls looked a lot older than me. I shifted in my blue dress, suddenly self-conscious at seeing them again.

Charlie quickly got out of the car and went directly to Billy, shaking his hand and then embracing him tightly. "Come on Sweetie," my mother encouraged as she unbuckled her seatbelt, "Let's go say hi." I could hear the trepidation in her voice, which made me more nervous, but I obediently followed her into the small crowd gathered by the door.

"Bella, you remember Billy?" my father was wiping a few tears from his eyes as he made the introductions, "and his daughters Rachel and Rebecca?" I looked up at the three faces, all alike and all filled with thinly veiled sadness. I didn't know what to say except, "Where's Jacob?"

Billy's brow furrowed and he gestured toward the doors, "He's waiting inside by the fireplace. You can go find him if you'd like. I think he'd be happy to see you." I looked over at my mother and she nodded encouragingly, "Go on Baby. We'll be in soon." I nodded and turned to go through the double glass doors into the lobby. The entryway opened up into a large, comfortable sitting area arranged around a massive fireplace. It was surprising to see how full of light the visitor area was and I didn't see much of anything that was funerary. I had assumed funeral homes would be dark places lit only by white candles. This place, however, looked like a tasteful vacation resort.

A young boy, about 11 years old, was curled up in a hidden corner of the fireplace's hearth. He was wearing a grey suit that looked a little too big and his shoulder length black hair concealed most of his face. No one in the lobby seemed to notice him and he didn't look open to conversation. I noticed he was hunched over a gaming device, seemingly mesmerized by whatever was on the screen.

After a moment's hesitation, I walked over to him and asked, "What're you playing?"

"Pokémon," he informed me in a hollow tone.

"Cool," I said, "can I watch?"

Jacob shrugged indifferently and I took that as an invitation to sit down. A small, yellow Pikachu darted animatedly across the screen and electrified a formidable looking Mewtwo. After a minute or two I asked, "Do you remember me?

He nodded yes, but didn't stop playing.

"How've you been?" I said, feeling stupid for asking. His mother was dead; I could guess how he's been. But I didn't know what else to say.

"Okay I guess," he mumbled. The little yellow Pikachu was defeated and forced back into its red and white Poké Ball. Jacob sighed in frustration and started a new battle.

"Your mom was really nice," I suddenly blurted, "She painted the most beautiful paintings I've ever seen." I looked at him apologetically, feeling embarrassed for bringing her up so suddenly. But I didn't know how all of us were expected to go through this. I knew her, and then she's suddenly gone. And here was her son, who was here with me even though she was gone. It all felt so fake, like a bad joke. I didn't know what I could say to him about any of it that wouldn't sound stupid.

He was silent for a long time and seemed to forget his game. I was about to apologize when he suddenly turned toward me. My heart skipped a little when I realized that he was kind of cute for a younger boy. I opened my mouth to say I was sorry, but I was stunned when his face wilted and tears to started spilling from his eyes. "Wait," I fumbled, "Don't cry. I didn't mean to upset you by saying that." I looked at Jacob, at his long hair and rumpled suit, and I felt really bad for him.

"She's stupid," he spat as he wiped his nose.

"How can you say that?" I asked, shocked at the acidity in his voice. He said it like he really meant it.

"There's just a body," he told me, "and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid! She's stupid for dying. And they had to nail her coffin shut so I can't even see her... and Dad's crying and not talking, and... and I was having chocolate milk, and well, Mom will never have any more chocolate milk, ever, and she'll never be mad at me for breaking stuff, not ever. And I keep forgetting she's not in the house anymore. I see things on T.V. that would make her laugh and then I remember – and no one will explain to me why!"

I looked around to see if any grownups were in the vicinity to help calm Jacob down. But they were all scattered around the large room and didn't seem to hear him. "I – I, um," I stuttered, stalling until I thought of something to say. "I don't know. How it works. Why. I'm sorry."

He looked dissatisfied with my answer, "She left us alone and she didn't even say goodbye. I know she's gone forever but no one will tell me _why_." His lip quivered for half a second, his sentence teetering on the edge of a sob. But before I could try and console him the moment passed and his eyes hardened, "D'you know what I see and hear every time I try to sleep?" I shook my head apprehensively. "I can hear my mom screaming as the other car smashes into hers. If you'd heard your mom screaming like that, just about to be killed, you'd want to know why it happened too. I _hate_ her for leaving us and making me have nightmares. I hate her for dying and I won't ever be sorry for that."

My mouth hung open, unable to form useful syllables. The moment was profoundly uncomfortable.

"Where's my Dad?" he asked suddenly.

"With my Dad outside," I answered quizzically.

"Oh," Jacob said, the fight draining out of him.

"Do you want to play the game some more?" I asked.

"….yeah," he admitted sadly.

"Okay," I said. And we sat together staring at the tiny screen in silence until the adults let us know it was time to start the funeral.

"Will you hold onto this?" Jacob asked as he thrust his game console at me. "My Dad won't want me to have it right now."

"Sure," I said and reached out to take it.

"Just don't mess up any of my saves," he warned me before handing it over.

"Okay," I shrugged, "I won't."

"Thanks," he smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes. Then he joined his family at the interior doors that led to the funeral chapel.

"Bella?" my Dad called, "It's time."

I nodded and walked toward the chapel, passing by Billy and his children, a family missing one important member. Jacob didn't look at me as I passed, though it seemed as if he was trying very hard to not look at much of anything.

I had known Jacob's family since I was baby, but on that day I met the person who would change my life forever. He wasn't there before, but now looking back on that time, this was the moment that set our shared destiny on its course. I met the boy I would love deeply, the man I would learn to hate and the monster that would rip both our lives to pieces.

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A little after one in the morning I chanced picking up the jeep parked in front of the White Hart. The back of the vehicle was sprayed with Quil's blood and the incriminating cinderblock was still on the sidewalk where it had been unceremoniously dropped a few hours before. Quil was nowhere to be seen and the bar itself looked closed for business.

Looking in the car window I saw that the vehicle was littered with all manner of packages; jars, boxes, leather pouches, envelopes and every type of bag. It looked like the pieces of Edward were quickly thrown into the vehicle as their terrified owners fled back into the night. I had to brush a few of the parcels off of the driver's seat before I could get in and I was surprised to see that my hands were shaking. I couldn't detach myself from what I knew was in those packages, as inconspicuous as they seemed. And the child growing inside of me was twitching insistently in response to the close proximity of Edward. The little creature gave a sharp kick to my ribs, which felt like being sucker punched from the inside. Wincing, I climbed in the driver's seat and had to sit very still until the pain subsided and the baby decided to relax.

Somehow the key found it's way into the ignition and before I knew what was happening I was back at the motel. I must have been sitting in the car for a while because Jasper had to come out to the parking lot to check on me. I jumped when he opened the car door. "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you," he frowned. Woodenly I dropped my hands from the steering wheel and muttered, "I'm not disturbed by you."

"Did you run into any trouble?" he asked as he examined the interior of the vehicle. I shook my head in a silent 'No'. "Did you scout the perimeter and check if you were being watched?" he asked. "I – " I hesitated, "No. I couldn't make myself go into the woods." Jasper frowned, "You're stronger than that Bella. Our fate rests in your hands. If you're going to live through this, if you, Edward and me, are going to survive, you can't be afraid to kill. You have to keep fear from your mind. Understand?"

"Yes," I said without cadence. I shrugged, looking over the packages, "We had such _plans_," I murmured, "All I wanted was for us to be together, to raise our child as a family. And now that's gone. I'm not afraid to kill, Jasper. I'm just afraid." I climbed out of the jeep and started unloading the packages. "You can't be," he sighed with exasperation. I stacked my armload of jars, bags and boxes on the floor of our motel room. "How?" I asked dejectedly, "How can I just choose to not be scared?"

"You fight," he answered as we returned to the car, "And you fight it. You don't give up. And then one day….you just change. That's the thing about fear – it only lasts for so long – you can only be afraid for so long until you're just not anymore." I thought about what he was saying, what he truly meant. When that type of change came over me, what would be left? "I'm trying," I said as we unloaded the last of Edward into the motel room. Jasper locked and bolted the door behind us. "Try harder," he grumbled, "I don't want to hear this nonsense again about plans for the future and being afraid." He walked past me and then added, almost as an afterthought, "Remember why you're here and do what you have to do."

"I wish Edward had never met me. I wish none of this happened," I confessed.

"Everybody who lives through hard times wishes they never happened," Jasper reproached, "But that's out of your control. All you have left is to choose what to do with the time given to you. We all have our crosses to bear, Isabella."

"Really?" I scoffed, "What's yours?"

"There's always something that needs fighting for," Jasper answered. He dropped the last of the packages onto the floor and turned toward me, "It's something Maria, my sire, left out when she forced eternal life onto me. Because I was a soldier, I'll always be a soldier; and now I'll always know death without ever feeling its peace. In this way the weight of my responsibilities will never diminish. I'll always fight and I'll bring death to my enemies, but my war has no end."

"'_In each of us, two natures are at war,'_" I quoted, "_'the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, and one of them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the power to choose - what we want most to be, we __are__.'_"

"Robert Lewis Stevenson," Jasper correctly cited, "_Dr__. __Jekyll and Mr__. __Hyde_."

"You get to choose who you are Jasper," I placed my hand cautiously on his arm and to my surprise he didn't shrug it off, "You get to decide, no one else. Not the monster inside of you or the monsters you've known. It's always been your choice." Jasper nodded, though I felt that he didn't at all agree with what I had said.

"Carlisle asked me something before we left that I've been struggling with," he said, surreptitiously changing the subject, "What happens if – when – we win? When we stop the wolves, rescue Edward, what comes next? It's a question I don't know the answer to. Perhaps you don't either." I shook my head and dropped my hand. Jasper went over to our pile of packages and began loosely sorting them by size. "I miss my coven," he admitted, "As I miss Edward." He sighed, "Sometimes I wish I could go home, back to the time when home actually _was_ home. It's funny what I can remember from my human past. I can still smell the cornfields after the rain, and bacon frying in the morning. And what I wouldn't give for a big plate of cheese grits like my Mama used to make. That is, they'd be good if I could still taste food like I could when I was human. " I sat cross-legged beside him and helped him sort through the boxes, "But how can you remember all that?" I asked as I picked through a grocery bag full of miscellaneous shapes wrapped in newspaper, "I thought all your memories of being human, you know, faded after the transformation. Like a dream."

"Well that's not entirely accurate," Jasper corrected, "We don't technically transform into a new person, so it's logical an aspect of our memories are retained. It's more like Transgenesis." I stopped sorting and looked at the vampire across from me, "Trans-what-now?"

"Transgenesis," he repeated, "It's the process of inserting a gene from one source into a separate living organism that wouldn't normally contain it." He unwrapped a parcel to reveal a cold, toeless foot. I winced at the sight and had to turn away. Jasper got up and placed the foot at the end of the bed where it normally would be lying if it were attached to a body. I swallowed my horror and attempted to continue our conversation, "Like a virus?" I asked.

"More like the transfer of genetic material," Jasper answered casually as he returned to the pile of boxes, "The gene may be transferred from within the same species, sometimes known as Cisgenesis, or come from another species entirely."

"Another species like you?" I prodded.

"Like all of _us_. Many, but not all, genetically modified organisms are transgenic. Transgenesis involves a gene being transferred. Like from a male to a female in order to create new life." He unzipped a long, slim bag and withdrew an arm cut at the shoulder and wrist.

"Are you suggesting transferring the vampire gene is similar to human reproduction?" I asked with renewed curiosity. The Cullens treated the subject of vampire transformation as taboo, like the ever-present elephant in the room. None of them have been bold enough to talk directly with me about the idea of my transformation, though I knew some members of the family wanted to initiate me into their coven. But in this arena Edward's will trumped all others, including my own. "No offense," I added, "but that's pretty hard to swallow. It's too crazy to be true."

"Nothing is impossible, if it's consistent with the laws of nature," Jasper replied, "and this supposedly supernatural process aligns with many of nature's common principles." He continued his point in an academic tone, "No matter what species you're making transgenic, the gene must be isolated and amplified. Humans start with two single cells and they multiply into a fetus. We start with trillions of cells and they multiply into, well, _me_, I suppose."

"So if humans set out to create life with trillions of cells, instead of just two, we'd look something like you?" It was an intriguing idea that banished a lot of the mystical theories about vampires. Maybe they were natural creatures, albeit extremely advanced when compared to most other life on the planet. This thought was incredibly appealing because it blew significant holes into Edward's belief that God had damned his eternal soul. For the first time in a long time I felt a glimmer of hope about my future.

"Sort of," Jasper clarified, "Other ways to create these unique organisms include knocking out genes, and altering existing genes. Carlisle and I believe our venom alters existing genes on a grand scale. We don't actually create genetic material, like reproducing humans can, we just re-form what's already there."

"But the concept is similar to creating life," I said as I placed a maternal hand on my growing stomach.

"Yes. Strikingly so," Jasper agreed, "It seems, though my species regularly believes itself to be beyond this mortal plane, that our reproductive process is a facsimile of your own."

"So the idea that you're an undead demon – that your kind are somehow connected to the Devil?" I asked skeptically.

"Nonsense," he spat, "Blind religiosity. For all the preaching vampires do about the Neanderthal nature of man, we hold on to equally archaic beliefs about our own origins. It's held us back as a species and it's keeping us in the shadow of the past."

"Edward never told me you thought this way," I said with no little amount of awe, "You're not like the others, are you?"

"I love my family," he sighed, "but sometimes their stubborn hold on past can be frustrating. Carlisle's way of life is a start, but he doesn't have an eye on the future like I do." He unwrapped the largest of the packages and unwittingly revealed a severed torso. I couldn't help but gasp when I saw the sizable hole where Edward's heart should be. "I – I'm sorry," he quickly apologized and put himself between the gruesome package and me. "You shouldn't have to see that. Bella?" I looked up at him and then staggered backward as my vision blurred. Jasper gently caught me by the arm and placed my limp body in a nearby chair. He made sure I was facing away from the pile of cold body parts on the other side of the room.

"Drink this," he said as he forced a bottle of water into my hand. I took a shaky gulp and closed my eyes, "I – I don't know what happened. I'm fine. I'll be okay." I felt him push waves of calmness and tranquility toward me, but I shook the feeling off. "Please, don't work me Jasper. I need to feel this. I need to keep a hold of what's real and what's not." The odd numbing sensation ceased as suddenly as it began and the familiar ache in my heart returned with full force. "I'm just have trouble believing all of this," I confessed, "It's hard to comprehend this level of hatred is real."

"There are other forces in this world at work, Bella, and sometimes they can be evil. I want you to know that vampires can be so much more; we can do so much with our endless time on this earth," he put his hand to my cheek and I sighed with the contact of his cool skin against mine. "I believe Edward was meant to find you, in which case you were also meant to come into our lives. At least that's what I think. It's comforting in the face of all this madness."

I placed my hand over his, "I don't think I've ever met anyone like you before, Jasper." I looked at him and saw something change in his expression, a faint light started to glow just behind the surface of his hard eyes. He handed me something he'd been holding, "This was on his arm," he explained as I examined the leather cuff with a silver plate bearing the Cullen family crest. "Thank you," I said as I fastened the band around my wrist. Jasper inclined his head, "Of course," he replied. And with that simple, natural gesture, our relationship rounded a very important corner. We were in this together and whatever came next we would not face it alone. In fact, I now knew I'd never be alone again.

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"And you won't believe what that joker said to me," Charlie laughed as the rest of the dinner table snorted and wiped tears from their eyes. Even Billy was chuckling from behind his gruff exterior. I giggled along with the others as I watched my father tell the story, yet again, of how he pulled over the football team's bus after Mike Newton mooned his patrol car.

"Don't tell me he actually tried to talk his way out of it!?" Jacob cracked up and slapped his hand against the table, "What'd he say?"

"'I'm sorry Officer Swan,'" Charlie did his best dopy teenager impression, "'I didn't know I couldn't do that.'" The table roared with laughter. "And I said, 'Son, pull your pants up. We're going downtown.' And I picked him up by the collar of his shirt and dragged him off the bus." Charlie smiled victoriously as he swigged his beer, "Coach Nelson was so furious I thought his head was going to explode."

I rolled my eyes, "Dad, you didn't really arrest him."

"No, I just drove him home and handed him over to his mother. And boy was she pissed. Turns out it wasn't Newton's first experiment with public indecency. Just the week before he was busted for mooning the principle." We all laughed hard at the idea of Mike serving detention for flashing his ass at Mr. Greene.

The night was passing quickly at the home of Billy and Jacob Black. We grilled steaks, the older men drank beer and Jake and I hung out on the couch playing video games. It was comfortable, like family and I hadn't felt this at home since I left Arizona. When all the dishes were cleared and our fathers had settled into Billy's small living room to watch football, Jake and I left with the excuse of taking a walk.

We ended up, like we always did, in Jacob's garage out back. He started to fiddle with another mechanical project and I flipped through the radio stations trying to find something good. Our comfortable silence was interrupted with a sharp rap on the door and then the uninvited entry of Sam Uley, Embry Call and Paul Lahote. It seemed a little late in the evening for unannounced visitors.

"Hey Jake, we were looking for – oh," Embry stopped in his tracks when he saw me. "Sorry, didn't realize you had company. Hi Bella." He gave me a shy wave. Sam stepped through the door, ducking a little so he didn't hit his head on the frame. "Jacob," he said by way of a greeting and then he nodded stiffly at me, "Bella." Paul followed the other two into the garage but said nothing.

Jake stepped away from his workbench, looking a little confused, "Hey guys, what's happening?" All three looked uncomfortably at me and then Sam cleared his throat, "We wanted you to come check something out. But if you're busy…" his sentence trailed off and again the moment felt awkward.

"Sure," Jake shrugged, "can Bella come? That is," he looked at me, his eyes hopeful, "if you want to."

"Yeah, why not," I hopped down from my perch on his workbench, "But would I be imposing?"

Paul sneered, "Only in the literal sense."

"Paul!" Sam waved his hand in a stopping motion, "That's not necessary."

"No offense Bella," Embry quickly added, "it's just not show everybody type of thing, you know?"

"Okay," I breathed, "I get it. No big deal. I'll just see what my Dad and Billy are up to…" I skirted around the group and was surprised to feel someone tugging me back by my hand.

"Don't go, Bella," Jacob said, "I'm not going if you can't."

"I don't get it," Paul exclaimed, "Last time I saw you two you couldn't stand to be around one another. Now you're back making googley eyes at each other like nothing ever happened. It makes me want to heave."

"They're just friends," Embry interjected.

Paul rolled his eyes, "Yeah right."

"_We are_!" I contended a little too eagerly.

Sam held his hands up, "Hey, look, this clearly isn't a good time. Sorry we interrupted whatever this is. Jake, come find me when you get a moment." It was clear his request wasn't optional. Sam nodded at me again, "Have a good night," and he left with Embry, who mouthed 'sorry' to us before exiting. Paul lingered behind, "You're not friends," he said, "You'll never be friends. You'll fight and you'll fuck and you'll love each other until you're both dead. That's how it works. You'll do all that but you'll never be friends."

"Paul," Jacob ground his words through a tight jaw, "You should leave. Now." Paul looked like he was going to say something else, but instead started laughing as though Jacob had said the funniest thing in the world. He laughed his way out of the garage, pulling the door shut behind him.

After a moment I found my voice, "What the heck was that about?"

Jacob sighed, "I have no idea. I'm sorry they were such jerks to you. I don't know what's gotten into them lately."

"S'okay," I shrugged, "I don't expect all of your friends to like me. Especially after, well, you know…" It was still difficult to say _his_ name, so I just let the sentence fall in midair. I climbed back up on his workbench and began switching through the radio dials again.

"Yeah, well they're going to have to get use to the girl I love being around all of the time," Jake took my small hand between his warm palms and folded his fingers over mine. The radio was left on an oldies station and the speakers began playing the first notes of the Righteous Brothers' _Unchained Melody._I shrunk away at his words and tried to turn the other direction. He moved in closer and softly grabbed my chin so I would look at him.

"Hey look at me," he pressed his lips together in a concerned line. When I finally did look at him I saw his expression was tense and unwavering, "I'm not asking you for anything," Jacob asserted. "When I say I love you, it's not because I want you. Or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you _are_." I felt the weight of his words blow through me like cannon fire, leaving my chest riddled with painful holes. "I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And you're the girl I want to marry someday."

I shook my head, "I don't want to be that for anyone."

Jake smiled warmly, "And I don't want to be this good looking. We all have burdens to bear." His smile widened when I gave a little laugh. I rubbed my thumb over his knuckles, "I need to take this slow," I sighed, "please don't talk about marriage again." He hopped up next to me and slung his arm around my shoulders, giving me a friendly shake, "I know _he's_ still a presence here. I'll admit it. When you walked through the door tonight, he walked right in here with you."

"No he didn't," I argued weakly, "It's just me right now." I rested my head against his arm and sighed deeply. This night wasn't turning out to be the lighthearted dinner party Charlie had promised.

"Keep believing that and it might come true," Jake murmured. "Again, I'm not expecting anything out of you right now. Just you, here with me, it's enough." I nodded, unconvinced. Then I reached over to switch the radio station, cutting off the sickly-sweet love song before it reached its crescendo.

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Edward was breathless, which was odd because I thought he didn't breathe. "Will you kiss me? Please," he asked, his eyes dilating slightly with a kind of frantic urgency. In the distance I heard the attendance bell ring and it vaguely occurred to me I would be late for biology. "What?" I asked, shifting the books in my arms. The school parking lot was empty and I suddenly realized how alone we were sitting in his shiny silver Volvo. The intimacy of the moment made my heart race.

Edward held one hand up to my face, lightly brushing a strand of hair behind my ear, "There're a lot of things that I've done in my lifetime. I've been a doctor, a soldier, a student, I've seen every sunrise since 1918. And I still wish I could have 100 more lives and have been born in 100 more towns and seen 100 more lifetime's worth of sunrises and had 100 different careers. And…" he hesitated, looking up and away from me for a moment, "and then I could fall in love with the same person 100 more times."

I blushed and looked down at my hands. Edward gently grabbed my hand and entwined it in his own, "I will never love again as I love you in this moment and I must remember every detail. But," he smiled to himself, "if I ever forget I'm sure I would just fall in love with you all over again." Then he leaned in close and stole the air from my lungs. I gasped as I felt my skin erupt with a heat generated straight from the core of my body. _'This,'_ I thought as I kissed him fiercely, _'This feeling. I'll remember it from this day to my last. I'll remember that he loved me, and it burned like fire.'_

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"_Anata wa fukushū yūrei no yō na idai na ketsui to yūki oshimeshi te i ta bāi wa , dantō shi ta bāi , anata wa shinubeki de wa arimase,_" Jasper recited thoughtfully as we continued to unwrap the grim packages piled on the motel floor.

"Of course you speak Japanese. What did you just say?" I asked as I placed a whole arm on the bed. Edward's body was dirty, freezing cold and in some instances slick with a ropey venom that soaked through the boxes and wrappings. Most of his clothing had been removed, though there was the odd sock or shred of denim still clinging to the skin.

"It's from Yamamoto Tsunetomo's _Hagakure_. A book about samurai life." Jasper placed Edward's left thigh on the bed and adjusted it to meet the torso we had positioned in the center of our macabre puzzle. "He believed if a great warrior showed enough determination, not even death could stop him from accomplishing his final task."

"Do you believe that?" I asked as I matched a left hand to its corresponding arm and began figuring out where the fingers should go.

"I suppose I'm proof of living beyond death. And it seems everyone in my family has unfinished business with their human lives." He unwrapped a package containing several fingers and handed them to me. "Maybe the determination not to die is what carried them through the transformation process into their immortal lives."

"I once had a dream I was lying dead somewhere in the forest. It was after Edward and I had…um, well it was that night your family went to visit the Denali clan without us." I cleared my throat and Jasper nodded absentmindedly as he sorted through a collection of toes. I fought through my blush and continued, "As a ghost I tried to talk to Edward but he couldn't hear me. I was trying to tell him something really important." I shrugged as I lined all the fingers in a row and began arranging them into their proper sets of five. Frowning I tried to figure out which index finger matched the left hand. "The really strange part is it didn't feel like a dream. It felt like a memory. Like I really had died and I failed to complete something very important."

"You know, it's said dreams are memories," Jasper thoughtfully replied, "Memories of another life."

"And what do you believe?" I asked.

"I never rule out anything," he answered. Jasper began to gather and condense all the discarded boxes and paper into one pile. "It looks like we just finished with the most depressing birthday party ever," I joked, though neither of us laughed.

After a few hours we had successfully pieced together most of Edward. Standing back to admire our work I commented, "All that's missing are the parts back in Forks."

"His right hand, left index finger, the left ring finger in the pouch around your neck, his right arm below the elbow, his left foot and four of his toes." Jasper ticked off each part, pointing out the empty spaces around the body.

"And his heart," I said pointing to the jar on the nightstand.

"And his head," Jasper added.

"Why did they rip out his heart, anyway? It seems like more trouble than it's worth considering you guys don't use it anymore." I opened the jar and gingerly grabbed the frigid organ. Reverently, taking care not drop it, I placed the heart inside the torn cavity in Edward's chest.

"It was a symbolic gesture. If I'm remembering correctly, the Quileute traditionally believe the heart is the seat of the individual. Rip out the heart to destroy the man." Jasper knelt next to his brother and to my surprise, licked the gaping wound. It was almost vulgar to watch, but amazingly the hole in Edward's chest began to stich itself closed in a matter of seconds. Jasper stood and nodded solemnly at his handiwork, "That's better," he said.

"So they tore out his heart to destroy his soul," I shook my head in disbelief, "How did I ever let myself get caught up with Jacob?"

"It was easy," Jasper answered bluntly, "And safe. Not feeling with someone else is an attractive option when what you actually feel sucks."

I touched the pouch around my neck and sighed, "I don't know why I keep holding onto this idea that Jacob is still a good person."

"Maybe because the idea that he's not is too much to handle," Jasper suggested. He checked the window, searching the empty parking lot for intruders. Every so often his sensitive hearing would alert him to potential danger. Sometimes when he talked he would suddenly turn his head, like a cat, at a sound no one else could hear. All the Cullens did this, though they probably didn't realize it.

"Yeah," I sadly agreed. "Everyone goes around trying to find their soul mate, but it's not easy to find. It's basically impossible...and I found and lost mine. So instead of looking again, I decided to keep forcing two bodies together. Trying to make something that wasn't real, real. I don't know…I wanted to use the time I had with Jake to try and open my heart again, even if it was all a lie." I started to shudder and wrapped my arms around my core for comfort. "Can you heal the rest of him now?" I gestured toward the chopped up body on the bed.

"Yes," Jasper faced me and sternly crossed his arms, "But it would be cruel to start the process before we have all of him."

"I know that makes sense. I know that," I nodded and then against my better judgment said, "But I don't know why you can't just start with a foot or a hand –"

"You can't ask me to do what you're asking me to do," Jasper snapped, "It's not right. He'd be little more than an empty homunculus without his head."

"But I don't know why –" I argued in a tone that was quickly becoming a shrill plea.

"Stop right there Isabella," Jasper grabbed my arm, "You don't need to know why. You just need to understand that it's not going to happen. Do you understand?" I could tell he was worried I would lapse into hysterics at any moment. It was annoying and hurtful to not be trusted with my own sanity.

"I guess," I muttered, defeated but still defiant.

"You don't have to guess, now do you?" he pressed, searching my face for any hint of hysteria.

"No. I don't have to guess." I sighed deeply and attempted to calm my frayed nerves, "I know. I'm sorry. Seeing him laid out like this was a little more intense than I thought it would be."

Jasper released me, "That's showing more rationality than I thought you capable of."

"I've lost mercy and forgiveness," I snarled, "not rationality." I wrapped my arms protectively around myself and turned away from him, "Look, I know the life I was trying for is gone, it's over. I understand that we're not here to fix everything. I know my life won't ever be like it was again. But I'm feeling so goddamn sorry for myself I'm finding it difficult to breathe. Lucky you, you're here to witness rock bottom."

"This is difficult for all of us," he admitted, "But I'm trying to keep emotion out of it because it won't help us accomplish what we came here to do."

I crossed my arms defensively, "Do you have any control over how heartless you allow yourself to sound?"

"Yes I do, as a matter of fact," Jasper retorted, "And to prove it, I haven't gotten personal and you have."

I shrunk back a little as I looked at my companion. For the first time since my training in the woods, I felt guilty for the way I was treating Jasper. Though our ideologies were mismatched, we were trying to save someone we both loved. But I couldn't wrap my head around how calm he was acting in the face of the gruesome scene laid out on our motel bed.

Jasper absentmindedly adjusted Edward's right arm, making sure it matched up to the severed torso. Every so often a body part would spasm and misalign with the rest of the corpse. And though the convulsing was unsettling to witness, I noticed these new parts weren't as animated as the pieces we were given back in Forks. It seemed like Edward was slowly atrophying, though Carlisle had assured me true death was impossible without the application fire.

"Don't forget why we're here," Jasper sighed.

"To rip Jacob Black out of the world," I vowed.

"We talked about this," Jasper warned, "Don't let yourself go down that path. Once you do there's no getting off it. Our only objective is securing Edward."

"It can't be a bad thing to give them some hurt on our way out," I argued.

Jasper shook his head solemnly, "Bella, I know revenge can feel like God's will. But it's like a forest. And in a forest it's easy to loose your way, to forget where you came in. Do you think confronting Jacob really matters?"

I turned on Jasper, "Justice matters!"

He laughed, "Our kind and his have been trying to kill each other since the beginning of time. Justice has little to do with it."

I growled in frustration and sat on the bed next to Edward's pieced-together corpse. "I'm just so angry all the time," I said as I leaned over and buried my face in my hands, "I mean, look what they did. How do you forgive something like this? Maybe confronting Jacob will make all this anger go away."

Jasper sat in a chair next to me, "No, it'll only turn your anger into something much worse. Revenge is dangerous, Isabella. And Edward, he did what he did to protect you. So even if I don't believe in his incredibly selfish and reckless methods, I'm still going to honor his wishes. I'm going to keep you as safe as I can while we're here."

"I never asked either of you to keep me safe," I grumbled.

"And you'll never have to," he replied.

* * *

_They were burying him in what I thought was fine white sand. A man in the crowd, someone who I had never met, leaned over and told me out it was really crushed oyster shells. "It's what they used 100 years ago as landfill in Manhattan," he said, "That's how Pearl Street got its name." Then he nodded and winked. I gave the kind stranger a small smile and turned back toward the rapidly filling grave. _

_I could tell the world had changed. I could feel it in the earth; smell it in the air. I wrapped my arms around my core and thought about change as the open pit filled, filled, filled with sand that was not sand. I looked down and noticed all the paths between all the graves were paved in small shells, half smashed under the heels of the procession of mourners. _

_Who where these people? Why had they come? I glanced around the multitude of faces and was surprised to find a set of blood red eyes staring back at me. Like a knife being slowly drawn from it sheath the vampire, who was at once Aro, then James, then Victoria, curled back it's lips and barred its sharp white teeth in a chilling smile. _

_And that's when the screaming started. _

Waking with a start I found Edward leaning against my bedroom window. "Hello," he said softly, "Mind if I come in?"

I shook off the jetlag our 14-hour flight from Italy had given me and made myself sit upright. The room spun a little before coming into focus. "Be my guest," I croaked as I clicked on a nearby lamp. Edward came further into the room and his posture relaxed incrementally, "How are you?" he asked quietly, sounding like he was very far away. I sighed and said, "Wonderful," trying very hard to keep exasperation from my tone, "It's kind of late – well for me it is anyway. What is it for you? Some kind of lunch hour?" I meant it as a jest but it was obvious Edward didn't think it was very funny. "Look, I'm fine," I huffed. "I saw you like 6 hours ago. What I need most right now is sleep."

"You seem angry," he told me as he stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets.

I rolled my eyes, "I don't know where you're getting that."

"You seem angry about us," he pressed.

"Us?" I sat further up and wrapped my arms around my knees, "Look Edward, if I was supposed to spend the last few months mooning about you while you were off God knows where, doing God knows what, I'm sorry to say that I didn't." I swallowed my thinly veiled lie and had to clear my throat to continue, "I moved on – _to the living._"

There was a long pause before Edward murmured, "This isn't a social call."

I crossed my legs and rested my head in my hands, "Ah. So let me guess – that means 'grave danger'," I melodramatically put 'grave danger' in air quotes. "Gosh it's _so_ _good_ to have you home."

Edward crossed his arms defensively, "I wish I had better news. There's been a vampire, someone unknown, that's been circling around the borders of our land. And…" he hesitated. I felt myself bristle; it was too late and I was too tired to hear another half-truth that was suppose to help protect me. Like when he said he loved me, and like when he told me he didn't want me anymore. "Don't lie to me," I muttered, "I'm sick of it."

Edward retreated back to the window and looked outside like he heard a noise, "Sometimes lies are necessary," he said and turned again to me, "Because sometimes the truth is worse. You live long enough, you figure that out."

"I can take it," I huffed, "I can take the truth."

"Do you love me?" he asked abruptly.

I held my breath, "What?" I asked disbelievingly. No. This conversation was not happening. My clothes, that I had worn for 3 days while attempting to rescue him from a den of nasty, human-eating monsters, were still strewn across my floor. I could still feel the heat of the Italian sun on my skin. The memory of glowing red eyes locking onto me as I quivered helpless and confused was still seared into my conscious mind. No. No. _No_.

"Do you?" Edward asked again. His golden eyes were searching mine with uncharacteristic vulnerability. I swallowed hard, "…..I love you," I breathed. The admission, at one time so easy, came awkwardly and sat like sour milk in my gut. "But," I quickly added, "I don't know if I trust you."

"Maybe you shouldn't do either," Edward warned.

"_Maybe I'm the one to decide!_" I growled, my fists balling the sheets around me. Taking a deep breath I tried to calm my sudden anger. But I realized that beyond the anger I was mostly very, very tired and I wasn't ready to think about these things just yet. "Is that it?" I asked as laid back and draped my arm across my eyes, "Is that everything? Because, you know, you woke me up from a very good dream." I turned over and slumped under the covers. It was clear neither of us were ready to have this or any other conversation. Not tonight, at least.

"They've been near your home – in your room," he snarled, "I can smell them."

"Who are they?" I asked.

"I don't know. But they're not like my family, they stink of human death."

"Why were they here?" I chanced to ask the obvious question.

"I don't know," he coldly replied.

"Let me help you find out," I offered, "I want to help."

"This is my fight," Edward waived me off.

"And this is my home!" I hissed.

"What are you proposing?" he threw up his hands, "Have you fought a vampire before? How _exactly_ are you going to help me?"

I threw off the covers and swung my legs out of the bed, "Well I'm not just going to sit here and do nothing!"

He came further into the room, "No. You're going to stay home, lock the door and wait for me to dispense with this problem."

"And if I don't?" I challenged, "You'll lock me away against my will?"

"No, I trust you'll do as I wish." Edward held my shoulders, "Just as you trust me to be a better man." I shrunk back a little and he pressed, "Bella please. I don't want to risk loosing you again. It might be best if I just back off for a little while and try to figure this out. If I can lead whoever this is to Denali – "

I shook him off, "You're leaving again? What, you just stopped by for your toothbrush and now you're ready to go?" Edward staggered backwards in surprise as I thundered, "Oh no, have a great time in Danali with that succubus Tanya. And oh don't forget _to not write_."

"Why are you attacking me?" Edward protested, "I'm trying to protect you. _I've only ever tried to protect you._"

"Wow," I threw up my hands, "and it looks so much like running away."

"I'm just trying to make things easier," he admitted sullenly.

I crossed my arms and sat back on the bed in a huff, "For who?"

"You were doing fine without me," he pointed out with a sharp edge to his words, "You've moved on to the living, right?"

"I was doing the best I could," I defended the words that were flung back at me, "It's not like I had a lot of choice."

"I'm sorry I had to leave, okay? But you can't imagine what it's like to – how hard this can be," Edward ran his hands through his hair as he stumbled over his words. "Look," he frowned, "I can't make you understand."

I shuffled back under the covers and flopped down onto the bed, "Well I'd like too."

"You couldn't possibly," he turned again to the window and forced it open.

"Well maybe I don't need to understand," I softened my tone, "Maybe I just need you to talk to me."

"It's late," he sighed, "You should get some rest. It's been a long couple of days."

I turned my back to him. "You never change, do you?" I mumbled.

"That's one of the benefits of being long dead, I guess," he replied softly. "Bella…I missed you."

My heart constricted painfully and I forced myself to turn over, "I missed you t—," but when I looked I saw he was already gone.

* * *

Jasper stood and began shoving the wrappings and boxes into a black trash bag. I could tell he was eager to begin the second phase of our evening. Stacked at the foot of the bed were and assortment of plastic containers we had purchased on our way to Tennessee. Before we transported Edward's body we wanted to sort each piece and place it in a labeled container. That way, when Carlisle started the long process of repairing Edward, he could easily access each body part. I slid off the bed and sullenly picked up a handful of the smaller plastic containers, "I'll start with the fingers and toes."

Jasper nodded as he opened the motel door, "I have to throw this stuff out. Lock the door after me."

"If they wanted to kidnap me they would have by now," I curtly pointed out.

Jasper turned to me, "Everything Edward does, he does for you. And now he could die for you. The least you can do is keep yourself safe so his sacrifice isn't in vain."

"It won't be in vain," I promised, "And with all due respect, his best chance at surviving is me."

"Lock this door, Bella," he warned before slamming it behind him.

I sighed and shuffled up to do as I was told. Just as I was about to slide the deadbolt in place something thudded against the door. Something heavy. I waited for half a tick before cracking the door to see what it was. "Ah!" I cried as a limp body forced the door open and fell all the way into the room. I darted away as Jasper flashed beside me. "Bella?" he grabbed me, "Are you okay? What's happened?"

I mutely pointed at the body. "Who in the Hell is that?" Jasper asked. I began to shake my head to show him I didn't know but I then I took a second look. "It's the bartender," I whispered.

"Who?" Jasper asked as he released his grip on my arms.

"The bartender!" I said with more force, "from the White Hart. Is he…?" I couldn't bring myself to say it. Jasper didn't have to check for a pulse, "Yes," he confirmed, then he tiled his head, "What's that noise?" Again I shook my head to say I didn't know. I couldn't hear anything over the pounding of my own heart.

"Is that….?" Jasper bent over the body and stuck his hand into a jacket pocket. He produced a buzzing cellphone and looked at me dubiously. My eyes widened, "I have no idea what's going on," I said firmly. Jasper frowned and tapped the screen to answer the call on the phone's speaker.

"You've been careless," a familiar voice spoke into the air.

"Jacob?" I squeaked.

"Hey Bells," he smiled through the phone, "Like my gift?"

Jasper opened his mouth to retort but I put my hand to his lips and shook my head 'No'. "Save it Jake," I said with more bravery than I felt, "What do you want?"

"I WANT WHAT'S MINE!" he roared through the tiny speaker.

"I'm not yours," I ground the words through my teeth.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," Jake laughed, "Not everything is about you, you fang-banging Whore."

The glass screen on the phone suddenly cracked. "Easy," I whispered to Jasper. He growled deep in his chest but loosened his grip.

"You took our trophies," he said, "I want them back."

"No deal," I argued.

"Then good luck with a headless father for that Demon Spawn of yours," Jacob retorted, "But hey, at least he won't be able to order you around anymore."

"I will get his head, don't you worry about that," I growled.

"Give us the scraps and leave now," he warned, "I'll give you this one chance."

"Or what?" I challenged, "You'll hurt me? _Kill me?_ No. You can't, can you? Is that where this is going, Jacob? Are you going to kill me?!" There was a long pause on the other line, followed by a faint rustling sound. He was hesitating, struggling for words. "Leave," he finally sighed, "or it'll go badly for all of us." His tone was heavy, like the words were painful to speak. "Nobody else needs to get hurt. I just get to keep him and you need to go home."

"Jacob, I'm sorry," I rasped, "I'm so sorry okay? But what you're doing is wrong," my hands were shaking as I spoke, "You have to be stopped."

"You're not sorry," he spat, his voice full of venom, "Not yet at least. You don't understand what you've done by lying with that monster."

Jasper tried to shout a retort but I softly covered his mouth with my hand and pried the phone out of his clawed fingers. "No you don't understand," I hissed into the receiver, "I'm not afraid of you or your pack of wolves."

"Then you are _misguided_," he snarled and abruptly ended the call. I watched in disbelief as the line went dead.

"That went well," Jasper commented as he heaved the poor bartender over his shoulder.

"He's a selfish fucking disaster and he doesn't even have the common courtesy to implode by himself. He has to take all of us down with him." I sighed heavily and shook my head. "What are you going to do with him?" I asked. My body went numb as I looked at the man's slackened face. _'Not sleeping, but dead,' _my mind whispered to my shrinking conscience.

"I'll be back," he replied and then he slammed the door behind him. I looked down at the bartender's phone and sighed, thinking I should call Jacob back and then quickly changing my mind. With trembling hands I placed the dead man's phone on the dresser. A small clock on the nightstand indifferently ticked away the seconds in the silent room.

"What's our next move?" A voice suddenly asked behind me.

"Ah!" I cried out, "_Jasper._ Do. Not. Sneak. Up. On. Me. I'm tense as it is."

"Tense? If you were wound any tighter you'd be a Rolex," he commented.

"Oh my God," I gasped dramatically, "did you just make a joke?"

Instead of reacting to my quip, Jasper turned again to Edward's corpse. "We have to finish this before Jacob decides to come visit. Grab those containers and get to work." He pulled the torso, now inscribed with a jagged silver circle over it's heart, up off of the bed and zipped it into a large black duffle bag. He then wrapped a tag around the handle that read _'Anterior: Acrominal, Sternal, Axillary, Thoracic, Abdominal, Umbilical, Pelvic, Pubic, Inguinal. | Posterior: Deltoid, Scapular, Vertebral, Lumbar, Sacral.' _ Carlisle had prepared labels for us and though I recognized most of the common words, I hoped I could correctly identify Edward's _coxal_, _popliteal_ and _sural_ body parts.

I picked up a toeless foot and asked, "_Crural_?"

"_Tarsal_," Jasper grunted, preoccupied with writing ascending numbers and the corresponding letters _A_ or _B_ in permanent marker on each of Edward's severed toes.

"Right," I sighed as I shoved the foot into a Tupperware and tagged it accordingly. I felt like a file clerk for the underworld, though there was a decided lack of hellfire and demons. We worked for the next hour in silence, each of us set to the grim but important task of packaging up what was left of my beloved soulmate and his blood brother.

When the work was finished and we had a neatly organized carload of body parts, we settled into the motel room to regroup and plan. Jasper was going to have to leave me here to finish the job and he wasn't happy about it.

"Carlisle lent you a magical arsenal?" he asked as he lounged in the room's only chair, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry Mr. Flawless-Plan-Guy, I forgot," I huffed. I was perched on the bed, my back to the headboard and my legs crossed in front of me. I had both hands resting around my slightly protruding abdomen.

Jasper held the cup up I had given him up to the light, inspecting it for any sign of change. "Nothing," he sighed, "You said it lit up before?" He tossed the cup to me and I snatched it out of the air. "Yeah, the hieroglyphs or whatever, started to crawl with golden light when I touched it." I chanced another touch, running my fingertips along the engraved words, but the cup remained lifeless.

"Crawl?" he asked skeptically.

"Yeah. They didn't, you know, stay still." I shrugged.

"Strange." Jasper mused, "But no matter. It can't help us now. We have to give Edward to the Wolf."

"We can't!" I grabbed the cup and shoved it into my backpack," We have to keep him hidden."

Jasper grabbed my arm with a more gentle touch than I was use to getting from him, "Bella, if I don't give Edward to him, he'll retaliate in the only way he knows he can hurt me…..us." His last minute correction was odd but I let it slide. "And how's that? Everyone you know is practically invincible," I scoffed, wresting my arm free.

He looked at me, hesitating for a second before the words spilled out with angry indignation, "By hurting you."

"Oh," I managed to say as I put the cup back into my backpack, "You know my feelings for Edward haven't –"

"I know," he muttered angrily as he wrenched the window open, "That's not what I meant anyway."

"Jasper!" I ran to him but he was gone before I took three steps, "The hell was that?" I grumbled, "Could this night get any worse?"

"Oh, come now Bella, it can always get worse."

"Who?" I spun around and found Paul Lahote leaning against the entrance to our motel room. Outside I noticed the sky was already lightening in anticipation of the coming dawn. I realized it had been a very long and sleepless night. "Paul," I sneered, "What do you want?"

"I've come to make good on our promise," he swung the door shut and put himself between it and me.

"What promise?" I asked, noting the way he carefully blocked me from the only exit. But the window was still an option. Two stories up, not that far of a fall.

"The Bloodsucker's head," he grinned. "I have a map that'll take you right to him."

"That's not the only reason why I'm here," I snarled as I crossed my arms and tried to look intimidating.

"Then you've come a long way to die," he said without dropping his grin.

"Jacob won't let that happen," I shook my head, "he'll listen to me."

"You don't know what your actions would unleash. This is bigger than the both of you now."

"I understand that," I argued, "But that doesn't mean I can't stop it."

"You should take what we give you and go while they still allow it," Paul warned, though his words lacked sincerity. It was obvious he wanted everything to come to a head sooner rather than later. He always did have a cruel streak.

"Your pack opened up my life to absolute horror. What would you have me do, Paul? Nothing? Walk away? It's too late for that now."

"You're pretending to be a vampire," he said, "You want to become a real vampire? Like them?"

"I want to leave here with my friend," I replied, my voice hard and cold.

"Well that's how it works," Paul came all the way into the room and stood in front of me. Despite his relaxed demeanor, all 6 feet 7 inches of him radiated tension. "If we let you complete the puzzle you'll run off and become one of them. And that is something we can't allow. Plus, you've clearly brought one of those monsters with you. Ah-ah!" he held up his hand against my protest, "Don't deny it Bella. Your room reeks of them. You're lucky we don't burn his head right now and get this over with."

"Don't you people get it?!" I shouted, "It's_ my life._ All I want is to live forever with someone I care about."

Paul shook his head and laughed, "You don't get to live, Bella. You die and a demon sets up shop in your old house. And it walks like you and it talks like you and it remembers your old life but _it's not you_. That's not living – I don't know what that is."

"It's better than nothing," I countered.

Paul's eyes softened slightly, "And your life is nothing?" he asked.

"I love him, Paul. It's not a concept I'd expect someone like you to understand."

"Well I am a wolf," he smiled.

"Yeah, but you're only the bad parts." I frowned, "The map, Paul. Where is it?"

"Ah-ah, I came for Edward. No use hiding him Bella. Fork it over. _All_ _of it_." He waved his large hand at me.

I rolled my eyes, "Why would I just give him to you without proof that you held up your end?"

Paul tossed a tablet onto the bed, "Everything you need is in there." I quickly went over to the bed and switched the device on. The screen flickered with G.P.S. coordinates and maps of the area. I looked at Paul and he gave no sign of changing his mind. The head or the body, I would be forced to choose which one meant more to me. And I was also being asked to gamble what I'd already earned on nothing more than a promise.

"Please don't do this," I murmured.

"So you've made your choice," Paul looked around the room, "Where're the goods Bella?"

"You tore him to pieces," I said, "You cut off his head."

"I'm sorry you had to see that," he apologized, though again it lacked sincerity, "Sometimes you have to see things you don't want to see."

"The jeep," I swallowed. Suddenly my throat was very dry. "He's in the jeep out front. But you knew that already. Why'd you come here Paul?"

"I heard you actually looked knocked up now. I had to see it with my own eyes." He went for the door and then stopped to pick our car keys up off of the dresser. I didn't stop him.

"I guess you got your look then," I patted my distended belly in an unashamed omission, "Well, now you can go tell the other mongrels it's all true." I looked around the shabby, cheaply decorated room and sighed, "This is weird, Paul. Surreal. Up until a month ago whenever I was afraid my first instinct was to run to Jacob. Now I can't believe the person I talked to tonight is the same person I grew up with. Has he changed so completely?"

"Well," Paul hesitated before exiting, "Yeah, sort of. Except…"

"Except what?" I exhaled, anxious for this meeting to be over with.

"You're still the only thing he thinks about," Paul smiled, though again the expression lacked feeling. He nodded once to me as a way of saying goodbye and shut the door smartly behind him. I hung onto the dresser with my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming. None of it made any sense. I didn't need to hear Jasper's footsteps to know he was there, "Do you know why this is happening?" I asked him "Can you tell me why?" I went to the door and slipped the deadbolt into its latch.

"It's a test," he answered behind me. I didn't look his way, I didn't want too.

"A test?" I said as I put my head against the door, "A test for what?"

"For what comes next," he replied, his voice lacking its usual ferocity. "Our lives are not our own. From every past, to every present, we let others define our future."

"What's that from?" I asked.

"I can't remember," Jasper replied, his expression distant and unreadable.

In the background we heard Emmett's jeep engine roar to life and the big tires crunching over gravel as Paul pulled the car, carrying what was left of Edward, out of the Motel lot and onto the freeway. When I turned away from the door Jasper was gone. I turned around, checking if for some reason he was in the bathroom, but he was nowhere to be seen. I hesitantly unlocked the deadbolt and peaked outside. Taking a deep breath I left the room and started walking down the short boardwalk toward the back of the building.

Thankfully I found Jasper standing in the field beside the motel, his hands in his pockets, staring at the stars in the sky. It looked like he was searching for something within the twilight, some answers or perhaps a long sought after peace. The air was chilly and the night's breeze rustled his hair and the leaves in the surrounding trees. Though the scene was tranquil enough, the disquiet visibly growing within him made it uncomfortable for me to watch. I had to say something.

"You okay?" I tentatively asked.

"No," Jasper replied, "No I am not."

"We'll figure something out," I offered, "this isn't over."

"We _had_ him," he said.

I sighed, turning with him to enjoy the view, "Did you know my mother married young?" I crossed my arms against the chill, "So that's sort of how I was raised, but I never really agreed with it. And then I met Edward and we fell in love the year I turned 17 years old." I gave Jasper a sideways glance to see if he was listening. It looked like he was staying put for the moment so I continued with my story, "He said we should get married – I said we should wait. I didn't want to turn out like my mother, right?" I shrugged, half-smiling at how different our world was back then and how utterly manageable those problems seemed to me now. "Sometimes I wonder where we'd be today if I'd just said yes." I trailed off for a second as a shooting star rocketed across the sky. If it was an omen or a sign I couldn't tell; the universe, as usual, seemed as indifferent as ever. "But things got tough," I frowned, "and he left. Poof. Just like that. Three months after my 18th birthday and I had no love, no marriage. I couldn't eat, sleep, I wasn't a functioning human being anymore. I had nothing. I couldn't deal with it. I mean, how was I supposed to know he was a gift I couldn't keep? Huh?"

Jasper shifted, but if it was out of boredom or awkwardness I couldn't tell. For a moment the katydids and locusts overtook the silence with their droning song. I fumbled with my hoodie, zipping it up and throwing the hood over my head. The night air held a touch of winter in it, just cold enough to remind us what was coming next. "The worst part is I think I'm getting use to losing him. It hurts a little less every time."

"Please leave," Jasper rasped, his voice as cold as the night air.

"No," I shook my head, "I will not. You were right about everything. About those _dogs_. I see that now."

"I don't feel very right," he frowned.

"You're kidding me?" I laughed.

"What's there to laughing about?" he finally looked away from the sky and at me.

"You're not a quitter," I firmly said.

"Watch me," he muttered.

"This isn't something we gave up Jasper!" I shouted, "it's something they _took_!"

"And the difference is?" he drawled.

I glared at him and put all my willpower into my next words, "We can take it back." I handed him the tablet Paul had given me and on the glowing screen was a map that would lead me on to the next piece of the puzzle. I looked into Jasper's darkening eyes and snarled, "_Let's finish this_."


End file.
